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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 hour round trip to drop off DD's boxes at student house?

161 replies

saladfingers · 01/08/2019 20:25

My DD (20) is just about to start her final year at university. She has been home a couple of times over the summer but generally has stayed at her student house (end July) as she has a internship over the summer giving her experience in her chosen career. We have really missed her but understand that gradually she will come home less often. She also has a BF, whom she met during her course who lives in close proximity. Over the next month she is virtually homeless and is staying with BF and his family for a while but generally sofa surfing. She had decided to put her stuff into storage for the month but didn't get round to it(probably money related) .

Now she has decided that Bf is driving her home this weekend (we're away) to attend a party and drop off her stuff. She has asked me to drive her stuff down on 1st Sept. This will be 6 hour return trip costing approx. £60 in fuel. I feel a bit mean to refuse but it really will be a wasted day for me. I won't even get to spend any quality time with her. Aibu to offer to share the cost of storage /insurance with her rather than waste a day doing this? Or am I mean uncaring mother?

OP posts:
NoLeopard · 01/08/2019 23:08

I didn't read that dd hasn't made the effort to see them, I read that dd had an internship over the summer.

Boulezvous · 01/08/2019 23:20

I'd happily do it. I don't mind long drives and would happily help my DD whenever she needs it. I would take her out for lunch and take her a nice big bag of groceries and a few treats like cake and a bottle of Prosecco to share with her pals.
If I needed to I'd stay overnight at a hotel but I wouldn't baulk at doing both ways in a day.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/08/2019 23:26

I don't think driving her stuff to her new digs after she's spent all summer on people's sofa's is too much to ask. Maybe take her out to lunch when you get there if you want quality time. I'm sure she'd be grateful, it doesn't sound like you see much of her otherwise.

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 04:18

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malificent7 · 02/08/2019 04:21

Yabvu. My dad was like rhis. I resented it. She is your dd...don't you want her to have her stuff?wasted day indeed!

malificent7 · 02/08/2019 04:34

Bluegirlgreen...you sound mean. sounds like you resented the fact that your son had a girlfriend just as much as you resented the trip. You let him know too..? Wow.
Don't be one of those mums or mother in laws!

Ilnome · 02/08/2019 04:36

Tell her she needs to accompany you in order to facilitate this. When I was at uni my dad would take me and my stuff (which took up the boot and back seat so I was sat up front) I would make sandwiches and sort out a playlist as the journey was 6 hours one way. Its nice father daughter bonding time Smile

malificent7 · 02/08/2019 04:37

Also most people have to take a day holiday to drive dc to uni...it's what you do. Personally i chose to go as far away as possible from parents...love them but they drove me mad. There is method in the madness!

Bookworm4 · 02/08/2019 04:44

Only on MN is journey of more than 15 mins considered a chore! It’s your daughter fgs! No need for hotels, leave 10am- arrive 1 - spend a few hours together - home by 8/9.
Fed up seeing threads where journeys of 1/200 miles are split over 2 days with hotel stop; ridiculous.
I’m a bit 🤔 at you’ve visited a ‘few’ times in the last couple of years, one of my DD is a 2 hr drive each way and I see her every month,often meet in middle for lunch.

GPatz · 02/08/2019 05:41

'Heaven help your daughter if she ever needs a kidney or some other organ from you.....'

How dramatic.

RachelEllenR · 02/08/2019 07:19

I think it's fine to look at the more practical side of finding some storage for a month! My parents used to rent me a car to do the journey too and from uni, it was the easiest option and similar in price.

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2019 08:11

I wouldn’t be badgered by posters on here into doing this OP.

It’s perfectly normal and reasonable to consider storage or a man with a van.

If you and DH are working all week there’s no reason why you should drive a 6 hour round trip on the weekend.

It’s precisely zero mark of how much you love your kids.

Happyspud · 02/08/2019 08:18

I’d do it of course! But I had lovely, engaged, supportive parents so it’s normal for my family to do stuff like this. You know all those threads where people just aren’t close families or have broken or strange relationships with their parents/children? Those people wouldn’t want to ‘waste’ a day and £60 petrol for their student daughter. So I’m sure there’s plenty of families who would agree with you OP. But honestly I don’t want to be in a family like that. Harsh but true.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 02/08/2019 08:28

I'm doing the same for my DD next month. She's taking me out for a large brunch as a thank you Grin

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2019 08:38

But I had lovely, engaged, supportive parents so it’s normal for my family to do stuff like this

This may sound revolutionary but it’s perfectly possible to be lovely, engaged and supportive parents without driving for 6 hours when it would cost something comparable for a rented van.

Sandybval · 02/08/2019 09:09

@Happyspud but the daughter is making zero effort, can't even be arsed to see her mum for a bit when she drops her stuff off. Not being a delivery van does not mean you aren't being supportive.

Sandybval · 02/08/2019 09:10

@malificent7 but it isn't driving DD to uni, just her stuff. I'm sure OP who hardly ever sees her daughter would be delighted to drive her stuff if her daughter was also coming and they could spend some time together.

Chilledout11 · 02/08/2019 09:16

I would do it. You can't be very close to feel this way. My parents never helped me out at university and I ended up staying during the summer at halls. We are not close at all now. I used to see other parents help them out and I am independent but it would have been nice to have support. It would mean a lot to her if you did this job.

bowchicawowwow · 02/08/2019 09:54

YANBU. Mine has similar expectations of me later this month. He's hanging out for the summer at his girlfriends uni accommodation before moving into his own flat 2 doors away from her in September. He has a collection of crockery, pots and cutlery plus bedding in my garage. He won't be back home before September but wants me to drive the stuff a 300 mile round trip to her flat in London. He has all his clothes and IT equipment with him. Bearing in mind the fuel, dog sitter, congestion charge and childcare, it would be cheaper for him to replace the items from a local Wilko or charity shop or for me to send it by DPD.

twattymctwatterson · 02/08/2019 10:02

Do people really grudge doing this kind of thing for their DC? It's the kind of thing families do for each other

Happyspud · 02/08/2019 10:07

@Sandybval, I suspect her level of engagement with her parents might match the level of engagement of her parents with her?

This might not be the case at all. I don’t know these people. But then again, it just might.

saraclara · 02/08/2019 10:14

Oh come on everyone. There's such a ridiculous level of sanctimoniousness on here.

As I said before, I did this stuff for my kids back then too. Happily.
BUT in my case, my kids were still very engaged with us and with their home life, and were always appreciative.

The OP has said that she loves spending time with her daughter, but at the moment daughter just seems to be seeing her purely as a delivery service. And that's got to smart a bit. And yep, if the daughter isn't seeing her when she brings the stuff, travelling with her, or being there when her mum arrives, then she's seeing mum as a person with a van, so might as well get one of those who isn't related to her.

RhiWrites · 02/08/2019 10:21

My parents did this unfailingly. But I was IN THE CAR. I did not expect them to be a delivery service.

Is daughter proposing any quality time? Explain to her that without her there it’s just a shit boring job.

diddl · 02/08/2019 12:24

" It's the kind of thing families do for each other"

Really-a round trip of 6hrs to drop off boxes when there are other solutions?

People think the Op is mean for not wanting to.

Tbh I think that the daughter is being very thoughtless to even ask.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 02/08/2019 13:39

Yanbu to consider whether this is the best solution or not.

I would see that as helping my dc think and problem solve - which to me is an important part of parenting a young adult.

Sometimes the most obvious solution isn't the best one.