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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 hour round trip to drop off DD's boxes at student house?

161 replies

saladfingers · 01/08/2019 20:25

My DD (20) is just about to start her final year at university. She has been home a couple of times over the summer but generally has stayed at her student house (end July) as she has a internship over the summer giving her experience in her chosen career. We have really missed her but understand that gradually she will come home less often. She also has a BF, whom she met during her course who lives in close proximity. Over the next month she is virtually homeless and is staying with BF and his family for a while but generally sofa surfing. She had decided to put her stuff into storage for the month but didn't get round to it(probably money related) .

Now she has decided that Bf is driving her home this weekend (we're away) to attend a party and drop off her stuff. She has asked me to drive her stuff down on 1st Sept. This will be 6 hour return trip costing approx. £60 in fuel. I feel a bit mean to refuse but it really will be a wasted day for me. I won't even get to spend any quality time with her. Aibu to offer to share the cost of storage /insurance with her rather than waste a day doing this? Or am I mean uncaring mother?

OP posts:
reetgood · 01/08/2019 21:28

You can do overnight courier on large/ bulky parcels and it’s not really that much. Will be more than £60 but throwing in as an option! The one we use is a local company who is a member of the national courier association.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/08/2019 21:29

After they dropped me off at boarding school when I was 11, getting my bags home or to wherever they needed to be was my problem. Same for university, obviously- anything I couldn't carry or pay to ship, I had to get rid of. However, my parents are arseholes.
I'm afraid I would do it. I would feel like I was being over-indulgent, but I would do it for my children. Because I remember what I felt like, and it wasn't great.

Madcats · 01/08/2019 21:29

Judging by the very sudden absence of basic groceries and frantic shelf-stacking going on in my local Coop in a 2 Uni city, and a lot of confused looking young adults standing around waiting for cars/vans, I'd suggest that a lot of student private rentals started on 1 August. Hall students are going back 22/23 September. Is your DD really 'homeless' for a month?

Just pay for storage locally (to Uni) but arrange a little trip to see her at some point. She could probably team up with some housemates (or copy what they have done/did a few weeks ago).

Going back decades, I distinctly remember my dad commenting that I'd need to be within a 5 hour round trip drive if I wanted dropping off/picking up. It influenced my Uni choice.

Sandybval · 01/08/2019 21:29

Seems a bit unreasonable as she isn't making any effort to see you and expects you to run around after her, but then again most people I imagine will say you should do it. I worked 7 days a week in uni holidays (5 at 'home' and then weekends in uni town to keep my job for the next year) and still managed to make time to see people Confused. Will you be able to spend some time with her once you are there if you drop them off?

BarbariansMum · 01/08/2019 21:30

Tell her you'll bring the stuff up if she cooks you dinner and puts you up over night. Then it'll be quality catch up time for you both

plominoagain · 01/08/2019 21:31

I’ve done this for DS1 , which was 300 miles each way , and also for DS2 , who’s at a nearer uni , about 160 miles each way . Every term , because dragging even a suitcase on public transport is just a ball ache. Didn’t even think about not doing it tbh , it’s just what we do . And it’s an opportunity to have DS as a captive audience for once .

MartiniDry · 01/08/2019 21:31

"Heaven help your daughter if she ever needs a kidney or some other organ from you...."

What a vile thing to say, Tucobenedicto. Surely you can understand the difference between a non-essential six hour round trip to carry out a chore for an adult when they are perfectly capable of sorting it out themselves and saving their life.
Or can't you?

stucknoue · 01/08/2019 21:31

I would do it but stay at her house overnight one night and spend time with her

Sandybval · 01/08/2019 21:32

@plominoagain her daughter won't be a captive audience as she won't be in the car with her.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 01/08/2019 21:34

So she hasn’t been home with you all summer (working/boyfriend) and is coming home for a weekend when you’re not actually there, and for August she is sofa surfing rather than coming home to live with you, but she’d like you to store her stuff and take it back for her? She’s being very cheeky!
I’d talk with her about looking into other options and get her to find out the simplest and cheapest option and offer to pay some of it.
An important part of “doing stuff for your kids” is helping them transition to adulthood and take responsibility for things themselves.

Yearinyearout · 01/08/2019 21:34

I'm generally quite happy to help my dc move house (which they've been doing regularly for the last few years due to uni/work placements) but even I can't see the point in her bringing stuff home, just for you to drive it back in a month. Look into storage options local to where she will be living.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 01/08/2019 21:35

My parents done it for me and currently doing it for my sister, assume they will do it for my brother if he needs (although he’s going to the army next year so not so sure, but they will run his stuff to where he needs it, pick him up etc just like us). Most people I know have parents who done this if they had/have a car.

SinkGirl · 01/08/2019 21:36

I remember how all my mates parents would turn up at the end of term to pick them up, and drop them off again after holidays. My mum could never be bothered - at one point she had a boyfriend who lived an hour or two further past me and she was up and down there all the time but never came to visit me. One time I almost lost my arm in an accident during Christmas break, and she was very annoyed that she had to take me back to uni at the start of time.

This was the start of us not speaking at all for a very long time.

If you can do it then do it. It will mean a lot to her and you can spend time together when you arrive.

RingtheBells · 01/08/2019 21:37

DS never came home in the summer holidays, well maybe the odd day or two as he worked in a supermarket in his uni city. He was never virtually homeless though as he just lived in his student house, he moved in on July 1st iirc.

Yearinyearout · 01/08/2019 21:38

Also, Madcats is right, most student rental properties are available from July/August, so why has she ended up homeless?

saraclara · 01/08/2019 21:39

I'm going to go against the grain here. Yes, I did this stuff willingly for my kids, and still do help out now they're adults. But the difference seems to me to be that while my kids don't take me for granted, and have always been grateful and shown it, the OP's daughter sounds entitled and uninterested in her parents. It would be different if she spent any part of the holiday with them.

She doesn't come home much, they're not going to see her when she brings the stuff, and it's not like the OP gets her company on any part of the journey she's been asked to make. I can understand being peeved.

Letthemysterybe · 01/08/2019 21:39

I’m surprised at most of the responses on here! I think most parents would be happy to transport a (adult) child to and from uni, but I’m surprised at how Many think that you should be transporting her belongings by yourself that far. I think she is taking you for granted. I think she should come home to visit you that weekend and then you can make the trip back to uni together.

billy1966 · 01/08/2019 21:39

I don't bthink it's about caring for your DD at all.

Being practical, why would you do the trip if it was possible to store the goods locally to your DD.

It's not as if it will be combined with a visit.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2019 21:39

Part and parcel of having your adult child still partly reliant on you. Always people comment that a university student isn’t a child. Yes, I know. However the way the loan system works it is assumed the adult child is being somewhat cared for by the parents. Idk why people choose to deny reality.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 01/08/2019 21:40

It's your chance to show her how supportive you can be, there may not be many chances left now that she is growing up.

endofthelinefinally · 01/08/2019 21:41

You know, these things matter.
Soon she will be away and independent.
You will miss her.

My dd went 5 hours away to uni 3 days after her brother died.
We went to visit her every few weeks, cleaned her flat, made meals for her freezer, supported her.
I would have crawled over hot coals for her tbh.
3 years on she is making a life for herself.
I miss her, but I am glad I supported her when she needed me.
Only you can decide what is reasonable between you and your DD.
But I would advise you to think carefully about it.
IME our children remember what we do for them, maybe not immediately, but they do remember further down the line.

Rudeabaga · 01/08/2019 21:43

I'll never forget having to book a minicab to take me and my stuff to uni 2nd year (3 hour drive) because my mum didn't want to.

Sunshine93 · 01/08/2019 21:47

People are being harsh. However some of the language you use is a bit odd. When people are at uni they generally see "home" as with their parents still so to refer to her as practically homeless is a bit sad. I also can't imagine my parents asking me to store my belongings and pay for storage when i could keep it at theirs during uni breaks.

Having said that i would expect to spend the weekend with my mum if she was making the journey. I wouldn't expect her to just drop stuff off and then bugger off. Is that expectation yours or your daughters?

diddl · 01/08/2019 21:47

Supporting her doesn't have to mean doing what she wants though does it-it can mean offering or helping with another way of doing it?

Such as help with paying storage nearby!

Original poster
saladfingers · 01/08/2019 21:51

Thanks for your replies. I love spending time with my DD, I have visited her several times in the last couple of years and have ferried her and her stuff back and forth gladly. I particularly enjoy the chatting in the car on these journeys. This would be a different type of journey. I will take a look into hotel prices for the night before as this would be a good compromise.

OP posts: