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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 hour round trip to drop off DD's boxes at student house?

161 replies

saladfingers · 01/08/2019 20:25

My DD (20) is just about to start her final year at university. She has been home a couple of times over the summer but generally has stayed at her student house (end July) as she has a internship over the summer giving her experience in her chosen career. We have really missed her but understand that gradually she will come home less often. She also has a BF, whom she met during her course who lives in close proximity. Over the next month she is virtually homeless and is staying with BF and his family for a while but generally sofa surfing. She had decided to put her stuff into storage for the month but didn't get round to it(probably money related) .

Now she has decided that Bf is driving her home this weekend (we're away) to attend a party and drop off her stuff. She has asked me to drive her stuff down on 1st Sept. This will be 6 hour return trip costing approx. £60 in fuel. I feel a bit mean to refuse but it really will be a wasted day for me. I won't even get to spend any quality time with her. Aibu to offer to share the cost of storage /insurance with her rather than waste a day doing this? Or am I mean uncaring mother?

OP posts:
wasgoingmadinthecountry · 01/08/2019 21:52

endoftheline, that must have been so hard for all of you Flowers

I'd do it - and frequently have, with mine being much further away than that, but as others have said, I don't feel taken for granted. Also, driving 6 hours in a day doesn't bother me but I would want a decent lunch!! Ask her to choose somewhere.

AngelasAshes · 01/08/2019 21:56

I read that her DDs stuff is already at the BFs parents house and they are going to bring it part way to DDs parents house with request DDs mum take the stuff the rest of the way back to uni.
I don’t think the DDs stuff is still in an area local to the uni.
When the OP said the bf was “local” I read that to mean he was at same uni, not that his parents house was local.
So the local storage option ship has already sailed from what I gathered. Maybe the OP can clarify?

floribunda18 · 01/08/2019 22:01

When I studied in France for a year, I had to get back there from home for the start of term and the trains were SNAFU. My dad drove me to Dover. From Manchester.

SinkGirl · 01/08/2019 22:06

Also, Madcats is right, most student rental properties are available from July/August, so why has she ended up homeless?

Ours never were - landlords used August to fix stuff, redecorate etc. Uni accommodation was rented out to others in the summer. The only people who had their houses in August were those staying in the same house for the next year

jay55 · 01/08/2019 22:09

When it's time your daughter needs to come back down, load up the car and do the journey with you. No way should she expect you to be a removal firm for her.

Biiscuits · 01/08/2019 22:12

God. Drop the stuff off! She's 20, at uni! Be helpful. It's £60

Biiscuits · 01/08/2019 22:12

Hotel the night before is a good compromise. Hope it works out.

lyralalala · 01/08/2019 22:14

I'd do it and use it as a chance to spend the evening with her.

Why is she homeless for the month rather than coming back to you though? Is it distance?

jennymanara · 01/08/2019 22:15

I am amazed that 6 hour round trip is seen as a big deal. It is a one off.

Flashingsilver · 01/08/2019 22:15

I did the same, 6 hour round trip, driving around when I was there too. Bite the bullet and do it, but like me say never again, encourage them to get a job and buy a cheap car

Dollysuite · 01/08/2019 22:16

Our DS has just finished 3 years at uni.
I can’t begin to count how many times we did the 8 hour round trip to visit him, take/bring back belongings. Sometimes we booked hotels, sometimes we just got there, collected stuff, turned around and drove straight back.
I thought it was part and parcel of being a parent.

PorpoisefullyObtuse · 01/08/2019 22:22

I’m over 40 years old. Both my parents are disabled. If I asked them to do me a favour which involved driving a 6 hour round trip they’d do it in a heart beat. I’d not hesitate to do the same.

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/08/2019 22:23

I am amazed to think that you wouldn't help her out. This is entirely normal parental support . Every student I have known , including 40 years ago when I was a student , has had similar logistical issues and in most cases parents have helped out.

ApolloniaVitelliCorleone · 01/08/2019 22:24

Support your daughter.

Original poster
saladfingers · 01/08/2019 22:25

She is between student houses as of today but has a full time job until the end of Aug. At the moment her stuff is at bf's student let. He moves out in a fortnight. She is 'homeless' in the sense that she does not have 'home' in the city where she is currently working. Of course she still has a home with us.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 01/08/2019 22:29

I agree it is something you do as a parent. I had 2 son's at uni, one lived 4 hours away. I used to drive there and back in a day, help him pack and clean, I used to dread it but did it as he was my son. I also did it for the second son, usually a week later.

Sittingonthedock8 · 01/08/2019 22:33

I did this many times for my children. Compare the cost of storage with petrol and make a decision.

AmateurSwami · 01/08/2019 22:38

Mn is weird, a few days ago everyone was disgusted that a mum would take a pack of bacon round to her son 5mins drive away. Yet this op is apprently being mean Hmm

Ninkaninus · 01/08/2019 22:42

We’re not a hive mind, are we. Obviously there are going to be different opinions on different threads, depending on who answers.

And I quite often bring things round to my two grown daughters who live five min away.

NoLeopard · 01/08/2019 22:43

Yes, I was reminded of the bacon thread. I would do the luggage trip but not the bacon one.

SpeckledyHen · 01/08/2019 22:57

I would do it without thinking . Did an 8 hour return journey very term for 3 years for my musician son and all his gear .

dreichhighlands · 01/08/2019 23:00

Moving student stuff around often long distance is a standard parent duty. My DH's mum didn't realize this and bought him a car rather than have to do this. But it was her first experience of university so I think she just didn't get it was one of the unspoken rules around it.

LoafofSellotape · 01/08/2019 23:02

You are immensely privileged to be in a position to help your daughter. I’m sitting here disabled, unable to drive and would jump at the chance to be able to do something like this for my DDs. Don’t think of it as something you have to do, but something you get to do

I'm in the same boat and rely on dh to do things like this,I would love to be able to help.

I think it's part and parcel of uni life,all my friends seem to being doing it for their kids ATM as they re moving into different accommodation.

Mykingdomforanickname · 01/08/2019 23:02

I think you are being given an unfairly hard time on this thread, OP. Many posters are not making a distinction between (a) giving your DD a lift back to Uni with her stuff; and (b) having a daughter who hasn't made much effort to see you, but still expects you to act as her personal assistant driving her stuff around. I think there's a big difference and I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to say you don't want to do the drive.

bluegirlgreen · 01/08/2019 23:05

@saladfingers

YANBU.

My son was going to go to a uni that was 50 miles away (an hour on the train,) and at the eleventh hour, he decided to pick the same uni as his girlfriend (who he only met 6 months before he made his final choices.)

The uni SHE was going to, was 350 miles away, but it was OK for her, because her family were moving to a town only 35-40 miles away from this uni! It was a 12-13 hour round-trip, and cost about £90-£100 in petrol. To say we were pissed off is an understatement.

I wouldn't have minded AS much if he had just wanted to go to that uni because it was the best one, or the only one for 350 miles to do his course. It was the fact that he only went because his GIRLFRIEND was going. And 3 or 4 universities within 50 miles did the SAME COURSE. (So he did not NEED to go to that uni, 350 miles away!!!)

We had to take him there for the open day, and the first day he started there, then we had to run up and down for the holidays. I resented every trip there, and I let him know that, and I make no apology for it.

Not least because he and his girlfriend finished during his first term there! We asked him if he could transfer to a uni that was closer, but he said 'I'm here now, I may as well stay!'

It's all very well saying 'I'd do anything for my child, and if you loved yours you would do the same!' But it's not always as cut and dried as that. When your child picks a uni that is a 700 mile round-trip, and costs £90-100 in petrol each time, that takes a day's holiday leave off you, (sometimes 2,) and often results in additional costs for staying overnight, you have a right to be pissed off. Especially when the course is at a uni much closer. So the 'I love my child more than you because I will go to the ends of the earth, and wait on them hand and foot' brigade can bore off. Hmm

I am gobsmacked at how easy people are finding it to suggest the OP just stays overnight, and books a hotel etc..... Never mind about the additional costs of the hotel room (which, even in a Premier Inn or Travelodge could be £50 to £65 for the night,) and the one or two days she would have to book off work, in ADDITION to the petrol money, car park charges, food etc...

I swear some people live on another planet. Confused

OP, you need to get your ADULT child to arrange for storage. She is taking you for a mug expecting you to fetch the stuff for her, when her uni is so far away!

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