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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have i been ghosted or is something wrong?

141 replies

Louluh · 01/08/2019 15:52

I have a breakfast date planned tomorrow with a guy I've been talking to online and over the phone for a few months, it was going to be the first time we met. He seemed very interested, he's very chatty and usually likes to exchange texts every day.

Usually he would send a "good morning I hope you have a good day today" text, but I haven't heard from him in three days. No big deal, he could easily have lost interest and changed his mind about meeting at the last minute so the obvious explanation would be that I'm being ghosted but his phone has been completely turned off for the past three days, I sent a breezy "looking forward to meeting you finally" message on WhatsApp but it's not been delivered, yet I haven't been blocked. I can see when he was last active.

I have him on Facebook and Instagram too and he hasn't been active there since three days ago either, which is unusual because he runs an online business and posts associated things once or twice a day, daily, yet there is radio silence across all social media.

If you were me would you be concerned something may have happened or chalk it up to a big elaborate ghosting?

OP posts:

PorterBella · 01/08/2019 15:59

Similar thing happened to me - it turned out it was a family crisis
and nothing sinister.

It looks more like something is wrong, OP.
I wouldn't burn your bridges yet and assume he's ghosted you.

What about sending him a breezy message saying you can
see he's not been online and ask him to get in touch to rearrange
the date when he's free.

Original poster

Louluh · 01/08/2019 16:05

Ive been tempted to call but haven't wanted to make a nuisance of myself if like you say, he has a family crisis or something else important going on.

I am a bit concerned though, I'd like to think I've got a good feel for who he is as a person and he certainly doesn't seem the sort to go ghost without explanation and if he had changed his mind about meeting me I'm sure he would have said, tactfully.

I would send another message but he hasn't even received my last one yet as his device is still switched off.

It's very peculiar

OP posts:

Original poster

Louluh · 01/08/2019 17:41

Well the phones on, my message has been delivered and he's read it and ignored.

Looks like tomorrow is off.

Why do some people think it's ok to be so rude as to not even cancelling plans, just ignoring you. I had arranged a sitter too. Twat

OP posts:

RozHuntleysStump · 01/08/2019 17:49

I think that kind of things happen a lot. Try make other plans now you have a sitter?

Original poster

Louluh · 01/08/2019 17:54

Yes I'll do that, find something else to do so the day isn't wasted.

I'm quite annoyed, he read my message and has been online on whatsapp several times since and doesn't even have the decency to respond and cancel.

My last message to him was " looking forward to meeting you finally! The babysitter will be here for 10am so let me know if we're still meeting at (agreed place) x "

Zilch.

Now AIBU to send a final message tonight calling him a rude time waster

OP posts:

dancemom · 01/08/2019 18:00

Don't send it. Just archive the chat and move on.

hopeishere · 01/08/2019 18:02

Why haven't you met before now? I think this is one of the issues with modern dating there's too much online / texting etc and not enough face to face.

I'd not send another message. Well actually I would but I had some very unhealthy relationship habits before I met DH!!

Original poster

Louluh · 01/08/2019 18:03

Yes I think that's definitely the most dignified way of handling it, he knows he's being rude he doesn't need me to tell him that.

OP posts:

SpankYouMuchly · 01/08/2019 18:05

Maybe he is massively insecure and is worried that you won't like him in real life.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/08/2019 18:07

@hopeishere I don't think a few months is too long however I am a bit biased because I was talking to my DP two years before meeting him.

OP, something serious may have happened and he may contact you later so I wouldn't fully write it off or he could be being an arsehole.

Original poster

Louluh · 01/08/2019 18:08

@hopeishere I'm not too sure really, i thought we were just getting a feel for one another first. Ive been burned with OLD before. We only live 30 minutes apart so if he was that interested I guess it would have been arranged sooner.

So rude though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Louluh · 01/08/2019 18:10

SpankYouMuchly I wouldn't have thought so, he's quite an extrovert and comes across as confident. We've video called many times and he isn't awkward in the slightest.

WhenISnappedAndFarted possibly.. I was going to leave it a few hours and then tell him I thought he was very rude.

I would understand if something else came up or something had happened, but he's now very active on WhatsApp so he's managing to send messages to other people.

OP posts:

Original poster

Louluh · 01/08/2019 18:12

Ive checked WhatsApp a few times since he read the message and he's popping on there every 10-20 minutes or so but not responding to me.

I would appreciate a "Sorry, can't/dont want to meet now" I could respect that.

OP posts:

Onesailwait · 01/08/2019 18:14

Maybe his wife got wind he was up to something so he's panicked and turned his phone off so as to distance himself & pretend like the whole thjng never happened?.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/08/2019 18:14

@Louluh well in that case I'd leave him to it.

Could you go out with some friends instead and make the most of the babysitter?

MyOtherProfile · 01/08/2019 18:15

Don't msg him again. Not even to tell him he's rude. He already knows that. Hols your head high and walk away. His loss.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 01/08/2019 18:16

He’s a twat then. Such a relief you found out now, before meeting him and liking him more...
Perhaps he has athletes foot, or bad breath, or an addiction to eating sardines - you’ve saved yourself all the bother of that, and dodged a bullet.

(I’m sorry though OP.)

Dieu · 01/08/2019 18:17

Sorry OP, but it's absolute madness to wait a few months before meeting up. For some daters men their comfort zone is in messaging, not meeting. So once the time comes for meeting, they go cold. It's almost like they want a pseudo girlfriend to check in with, and talk to about the minutiae of their lives! But they don't have the emotional capacity, or time or whatever, to have a relationship in real life.
Also, you get emotionally invested for nothing sometimes, and all the hopes and expectations that you've fostered can be dashed in about 5 minutes flat! It's such a waste of time and energy.
Of course, I hope this is not the case for you. But the only way to establish if there's a real life connection/chemistry is to meet in person ... and early on too.

MrsSarahSiddons · 01/08/2019 18:18

He’s married.

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 18:18

How bloody rude!

legolimb · 01/08/2019 18:22

I'd just go out on my own and make use of the babysitter.

Don't even bother contactinghim again.

I did OLD for a while years ago. Had a few flaky types who couldn't seem to commit to a meet up.

Move on. There are some good 'uns out there. I met DH OLD 13 years ago.

Sorry though OP, it's shit of him to waste your time.

Original poster

Louluh · 01/08/2019 18:28

It looks like I have dodged a bullet yes, I'm a little sad because he seemed nice and I fancied him big time.

Its true that you can't possibly know for sure what somebody is like until you spend time in person though.

I'm not usually one to wait so long before meeting but I had a bad experience the last time I tried OLD, i met somebody after chatting for a few days and he was a total sleaze and so my guard went up. I wasn't actively avoiding meeting this guy, I was just going with the flow.

I'm %100 sure he's not married, we would interact alot on social media within view of his family and friends.

It's knocked my confidence a bit, if he doesn't get in touch with an explanation or apology by tomorrow morning then I'm going to block him.

OP posts:

Andylion · 01/08/2019 18:30

Don't msg him again. Not even to tell him he's rude. He already knows that. Hols your head high and walk away. His loss.

I don't want to hijack OP's thread but I see this advice all the time. The way I see it, he acts like a dick and gets away with because the OP doesn't call him on it. I understand about retaining her dignity and all that, but isn't there a happy medium, where she can call him out and have her dignity intact?

AnnonniMoose · 01/08/2019 18:30

Perhaps he's just going down the list of people to catch up with after being offline for 3 days? Grasping at straws.

On the other hand - I've chatted to guys online for weeks and we've gotten on like a house on fire, the same sense of humour and everything. Then we meet up and it's hate at first sight and makes for a very awkward date.

Original poster

Louluh · 01/08/2019 18:30

I think he likely has other options and I'm the least appealing one so he's chinned me off to pursue somebody else, the twat could have at least softened the blow and let me down gently though

OP posts:

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