Have i been ghosted or is something wrong?

[Louluh]

I have a breakfast date planned tomorrow with a guy I've been talking to online and over the phone for a few months, it was going to be the first time we met. He seemed very interested, he's very chatty and usually likes to exchange texts every day.

Usually he would send a "good morning I hope you have a good day today" text, but I haven't heard from him in three days. No big deal, he could easily have lost interest and changed his mind about meeting at the last minute so the obvious explanation would be that I'm being ghosted but his phone has been completely turned off for the past three days, I sent a breezy "looking forward to meeting you finally" message on WhatsApp but it's not been delivered, yet I haven't been blocked. I can see when he was last active.

I have him on Facebook and Instagram too and he hasn't been active there since three days ago either, which is unusual because he runs an online business and posts associated things once or twice a day, daily, yet there is radio silence across all social media.

If you were me would you be concerned something may have happened or chalk it up to a big elaborate ghosting?

Something is up I think :(

I feel very similar Greyhound22.

A few hours ago I thought I'd be really happy if he came through, but I've got a bit of a sinking feeling now. I hope he's genuine, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt just once, but my guard is up now.

Surely he would know before 5ish this evening that he has to see his psychiatrist tomorrow? I knew about my appointments well in advance.

The being on WhatsApp on and off for hours before replying to me makes me wonder whether he was trying to think of a decent excuse.

I can be cynical though.

I hope you can make good use of your child free day. Tbh I'm not sure I could get over a 3 days disappearance then hours between him reading and replying to my message.
I really do hope it works for you though

I wouldn't even give him a push off the side, ignorant sod.

Piss poor communication, no excuse for it.

I think he's been hedging his bets and got other women on the go.

Just from another view...

If he’s suffering from PTSD, perhaps he’s had an awful few days dealing with it and switched his phone off. We all deal with things differently.. and if his phone has been switched off, he’ll have been inundated with messages from friends/family who were worried (as maybe they are aware if his difficulties and how low he can get) and he was responding to them.

Also, the formal message could be his way of ‘putting it out there’ that he’s suffering from PTSD and seeing if you’ll run a mile (some would) it you’re suffering from stress and anxiety people think the worst, right?

It’s just a thought OP. Hope you’re evening on Saturday goes really well, go with low expectations and then anything else is a bonus 😊

It’s just that switching his phone off, was avoiding everyone- no just you, do you see what I mean?

Totally agree with bunnica here

I would message to say I'd been a bit concerned about him and has he been okay?

You can turn your setting off on messager etc so it looks like you've not been online btw

I would bet some money (been around a lot of military blokes with PTSD of varying severity) he had a breakdown or flare-up of his PTSD (that’s the three days) and this referral is actually an urgent one. Hence him being so oddly formal in the text, and it “suddenly” coming up. Or rather not a referral at all, but a “must-see” his psychiatrist due to whatever happened during those three days. Not sure what to tell you, OP. Good luck - it’s tough to sort how much to share at the beginning of a relationship about these things, and I’m sure he’s trying to figure that out too, even if he likes you.

You raise valid points Bunnica

I do have days where I just can't face the world and the people in it so I shut myself off and then catch up with messages and change plans when I have the headspace.

Come to think of it I did cancel plans myself last month with a friend, but I did give them a lot more notice.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time, one more chance. As long as you don't have to put yourself out too much. And have a backup plan for if you've booked a sitter and he cancels again (hit the shops with the money you would have spent on dinner with him and treat yourself?)

He may have been unsure about mentioning the PTSD and perhaps that's why he took his time replying? That can't be an easy thing to try explain to someone?

I think you should meet with him. If you have PTSD too, then you know enough about the subject to suss out if his is genuine. And if it is, you will have specific empathy for his case whereby most of us here wouldn't have that experience.

You also make alot of sense RightYesButNo

I'm going to try to be less cynical and give him the benefit of the doubt. If I look at how my PTSD effects me, I realise I've been incredibly flaky at times because I just couldn't ground myself enough to be able to deal with things at certain times.

I've actually been pretty nervous about the date because I suffer with depersonalisarion alot of the time and was worried I may be a bit quiet and tetchy on the day, but I was pushing myself to make the effort and style it out.

@Louluh
Yes, but the friend you cancelled on was just that, a friend. Someone who knows you and possibly understands your situation?
This is early days dating.. egos and feelings are involved.
See how it goes, it’s just my thought on things. Hope it goes well x

I don't doubt he has PTSD as I have a good friend who is also ex military, who was in a similar role to this man, and he is very traumatised by his experiences and in therapy.

It makes sense that he would have it, given the things he's seen and done, so I don't think he's making that up.. I just hope he's not using it as an excuse iykwim.

Well he'd have known about the psychiatrist referral a while ago.

This is way too much faff and flakiness for a first date. I'd leave it 3 days then reply, 'no thanks, doesn't work for me.'

I was going to say the same as Bunnica and RightYes, when a pp questioned him not knowing about his psych appointment until now. I felt that he could have had 3 bad days, resulting in this emergency appointment.

Give him a second chance, and see what he says on Saturday.

@christmasfluff
It’s very possible it’s an emergent referral. After having a terrible few days he may have had to get help ASAP.
If his phone had been on, and messages delivered but ignored I’d be more inclined to agree. However, his phone was off together- that’s someone who has hidden away from everyone. There’s a reason behind it, and he doesn’t know her well enough to discuss it just yet, some men aren’t good at that at the best of times let alone when they’re early dating.

Jesus, if I only I were to take by own advice sometimes!
Tis wasted on myself, and best passed on to others 😉

Hi OP. I've had (soooooo many) old ghosting etc. So I know how upsetting they can be. However I've also had a bit of experience with ex military and PTSD.

To me it sounds as if hes had a major PTSD episode. It's not unusual for people to "hedgehog" when this happens and just disappear for a few days. I wouldnt read into him being online but not replying for a while. That will likely be down to him getting in touch with work, family and friends to update them.

He has likely already got a history of psychiatric care and will have been referred quickly through a veterans charity or his dr.

On the plus side the fact he has got in touch and wants to see you/has opened up to you is great. It shows you are important to him.

On the minus side, PTSD in veterans is very tough for loved ones to deal with and I would want to know how he usually manages episodes and consider whether that is something you can deal with. I couldn't as it brought out all sorts of issues with me.

So unfortunately op it may well be that ghosting you would have been the simpler way. But if you like this guy and feel you want to know more, give him a chance to talk it over. Just dont feel you have to compromise your own needs to support him.

And get on over to the dating threads for some support and giggles with all us daters!

Thank you all for the food for thought

Yes I suppose it's entirely possible he may have got an emergency appointment. I do know he's been through alot, so I'll take him at face value on this occasion and cut him some slack. I suppose It could have been worse, he could have left me hanging until tomorrow and just not turned up or bothered to message at all.

He seems very apologetic and has said sorry again, he knows i have children and he's inconvenienced me and that he'll make it up to me on Saturday.

I've only recently been diagnosed with PTSD after spending the last three months going through hell and wondering what was wrong with me, so I do have alot of sympathy for him in that respect. I'm due to start EMDR for mine on Monday, so hopefully he can access similar.

I'm not sure what his coping mechanisms are or how he deals with his trauma but now he's brought it up I'm sure I'll find out more.

My coping mechanism tends to be to "hedgehog" like mentioned above, so that may be what he's been doing for the past three days.

I would always make exceptions for mental health because I can relate on a deeply personal level, but on the flip side I've known of people to use it as an excuse to be a bit shit on a regular basis (hence being a bit cynical to start with)

He seems genuine in what he's said so we'll see what happens Saturday. I'll come back and update the thread incase anybody is interested in the outcome

Yes please do update us!

I confirmed ill be there and thanked him for being open about his PTSD, i said I could understand him going off radar in light of that and not to worry about having to rearrange.

I did add on in a light hearted manner that I was a few hours away from sending him a message saying I thought he was being rude so I'm glad he text first, but I made it clear I was being light hearted and not arsy.

I don't think he liked that, he was a bit short in his subsequent replies and has stopped texting now.

Perhaps I shouldn't have said that. I'm a tit

It's all a bit dramatic before a first date isn't it.

Sounds like he might not be in the right place for a first date. I'd trust your gut. If you feel it's gone a bit off the boil then leave it. If it's thus heavy in the beginning it's probably going to continue the same way and speaking as a single mum myself in the past, you've got enough on your plate I'm sure.

Hmmm, please don't let your mood be influenced by him. Don't think your message was out of order at all. Am getting slightly bad vibes about him. If you are, listen to them. xx