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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have i been ghosted or is something wrong?

141 replies

Louluh · 01/08/2019 15:52

I have a breakfast date planned tomorrow with a guy I've been talking to online and over the phone for a few months, it was going to be the first time we met. He seemed very interested, he's very chatty and usually likes to exchange texts every day.

Usually he would send a "good morning I hope you have a good day today" text, but I haven't heard from him in three days. No big deal, he could easily have lost interest and changed his mind about meeting at the last minute so the obvious explanation would be that I'm being ghosted but his phone has been completely turned off for the past three days, I sent a breezy "looking forward to meeting you finally" message on WhatsApp but it's not been delivered, yet I haven't been blocked. I can see when he was last active.

I have him on Facebook and Instagram too and he hasn't been active there since three days ago either, which is unusual because he runs an online business and posts associated things once or twice a day, daily, yet there is radio silence across all social media.

If you were me would you be concerned something may have happened or chalk it up to a big elaborate ghosting?

OP posts:
Pinespow · 01/08/2019 23:13

i agree after you're update that he is not in a good place for dating. I'd be preparing myself for a no show saturday too, sorry.

thesunwillout · 01/08/2019 23:18

Hmm

You can't walk on egg shells, and this is doing your mental health no favours.

If it was me, I'd not respond tonight, have a sleep, then cancel him.

He's being reactive. You had a funny feeling, and what ever is wrong, do you honestly have head and heart space for his problems right now.

You don't deserve any arseyness.

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 23:19

I do have my hands full with the children and my own problems yes, I'm just not getting very good vibes at the minute.

He has uploaded some photos to social media of him out enjoying himself with a friend at a casino, so he can't have been in that much of a crisis surely?

OP posts:
LazyLizzy · 01/08/2019 23:22

Seriously OP all this angst over a stranger.

Sack him off.

Andysbestadventure · 01/08/2019 23:22

OP there is every chance he has had a more impactful ptsd episode over the past few days which is why his phone has been off. And then needed an urgent psych appointment. However, you need to think about how that could all affect your future relationship. It will be hard going. And it doesn't sound like he's really all that ready to date yet.

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 23:23

Well he's outside the casino but most with common sense would assume he went in, he was all smiles. You don't just go for a walk to a casino mid breakdown do you and take cheery looking pictures.

I think he's having me on and he's full of shit now to be honest.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 01/08/2019 23:23

Cross post. Casino? Fuck him off he's going to be hungover tomorrow thats why he's cancelled.

mumtobe1984 · 01/08/2019 23:24

@louluh he sounds like a time waster.... This is what dating apps are these days, just men wasting women's time, with no real intentions...I think you need someone more mature.!

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 23:24

Its all just too much isn't it and I haven't even met the man.

I did invest a fair bit of time and effort into getting to know him because I felt that we had a connection based on the daily contact, so I'm feeling a bit had over, but I can't be arsed with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 23:27

I'm not sure whether the photos are from tonight or over the past few days but either way he's wasting my time and being disingenuous. I think that's me done now where he's concerned, stuff this.

OP posts:
Anerak · 01/08/2019 23:29

OP I'm not sure I would be comfortable with how his style of messaging changes. Like he is deciding who he wants to be with you. There's definitely something going on that he isn't telling you about, whether it's sinister, innocent or other it's inpossible to say but if alarm bells are ringing I would cancel your date before you get any deeper as emotional games are the last thing anyone needs.

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 23:35

Yes I agree.

His changed behaviour is reminding me ever so slightly of a narcissist I had the misfortune of being in a relationship with for five years and I don't want a repeat of that.

I haven't the foggiest what's going on with him or who he really is so I'm going to leave him to it before I get any more entrenched.

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 01/08/2019 23:37

Don't take any shit op.
You've your own stuff to deal with.
You've got your therapy Monday.

ohcanada · 01/08/2019 23:38

Have an evening off your phone OP. All this time checking whether he's online and what he is posting is not helping either of you.

Give him the benefit of the doubt, see him on Saturday and go from there. Neither of you have any obligation, so just go and have a good time. Maybe in person the spark won't be there, maybe it will, but it's still a first date. Take a step back and take the pressure off a bit!

ohcanada · 01/08/2019 23:38

5pm is an odd time for a meal isn't it? Very late lunch or planning to be in bed by 8pm?

ThomasFurious · 01/08/2019 23:41

Did you cancel OP?

Mrskeats · 01/08/2019 23:43

This is an awful lot of work and angst for someone you’ve never met.
Next.

MyOtherProfile · 01/08/2019 23:45

I don't know much about PTSD. Is it possible that he could have been up for a casino outing while suffering a crisis? I have no idea. Is it a constant thing or does it come and go in spurts?

Smelborp · 01/08/2019 23:45

I think that sounds wise OP. It is very hard to get to know someone over social media / messenging though. They can show you whatever filtered version of themselves they choose.

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 23:48

I haven't sent him anything else as it stands, I could sense he didn't want to talk or just didn't like my attempt at lightening the mood so I said I hoped he was ok and left him to it, then I saw the casino pictures and thought oooh you are fibber.

I don't know why he suggested 5pm, I didn't even ask. It is a bit of an odd time actually but he might have been planning around other commitments as he's leaving the city on the Tuesday for a week.

OP posts:
Countrysidelife · 01/08/2019 23:53

Just to add, I started to see a therapist for my PTSD this week, I've been on the waiting list for 15 months. Asked at 4pm if I could attend 9.30 the next morning. The person above me on the list called and cancelled the referral, it does generally happen

tolerable · 01/08/2019 23:53

if no response message him tomorrow afternoon."thank you for such a fabulous time this morning.you are even more handsome in real life.see you tomorrow"then block him

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 23:57

In my case it's a constant, the PTSD that is. 9 days out of 10 I have brain fog and depersonalisation, several of these days my anxiety is heightened to a very uncomfortable level but I do have "good" days where I can appear totally fine, to an outsider, and function normally (just not in my head - but it can be masked to a degree)

When I've had particularly bad days where I've felt at crisis point, the last thing you'd find me doing would be going to a casino. I'm far more likely to be holed up in the house in bed waiting for the day to be over, so it doesn't sit right with me.

So for that reason whilst I'm not disputing his diagnosis, I do feel as though he's used it as an excuse to get out of the date for whatever reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louluh · 02/08/2019 00:01

Countrysidelife, I hope you find therapy helpful and that you will soon be on the road to recovery. Its an awful illness.

tolerable, oh that has tickled me. I'm cackling in my bed Grin

OP posts:
Rumours0fAHurricane · 02/08/2019 00:08

What a load of palava over some bloke you've never met. The mental health stuff would have me running for the hills - not because he has PTSD per se but because of how he's dumped it into a convo,
It just seems so over sharing to me. A first date is supposed to be light and fun.

His style of text is bollocks too.

You've had your warning re this bloke. Sack him off

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