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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have i been ghosted or is something wrong?

141 replies

Louluh · 01/08/2019 15:52

I have a breakfast date planned tomorrow with a guy I've been talking to online and over the phone for a few months, it was going to be the first time we met. He seemed very interested, he's very chatty and usually likes to exchange texts every day.

Usually he would send a "good morning I hope you have a good day today" text, but I haven't heard from him in three days. No big deal, he could easily have lost interest and changed his mind about meeting at the last minute so the obvious explanation would be that I'm being ghosted but his phone has been completely turned off for the past three days, I sent a breezy "looking forward to meeting you finally" message on WhatsApp but it's not been delivered, yet I haven't been blocked. I can see when he was last active.

I have him on Facebook and Instagram too and he hasn't been active there since three days ago either, which is unusual because he runs an online business and posts associated things once or twice a day, daily, yet there is radio silence across all social media.

If you were me would you be concerned something may have happened or chalk it up to a big elaborate ghosting?

OP posts:

Mummyrowland · 02/08/2019 00:17

PTSD is horrendous you can lose days where you don't socialise at all by any manner, days where you are online read messages but can't bring yourself to respond or days you manage it and are ok. It's all about triggers and they can strike anytime anywhere

Emergency referrals or appointments do happen at such short notice.

The casino trip is likely to be old or could have been on am anniversary of an event or loss of someone where he needed head space and went with supporting friends to help him you don't know.

He probs feels guilty at letting you down and him trusting you with his diagnosis is huge Edo from ex military

Don't over read things. Give him a chance what have you to loose. You will always wonder what if. Meet and if you don't like him hey at least you tried. If you do like him great. There is a charity called sapper support run totally by ex military advisors they offer advice and support to all current or ex forces and all emergency responders. They also offer advice for thier partners as to how to deal. Def worth calling them

Moondancer73 · 02/08/2019 00:25

He sounds suspiciously like someone I met OLD dating. I'd probably cut and run to be honest

SandAndSea · 02/08/2019 00:33

I'm a bit late to join in here but I would urge caution. I think it's all too 'uphill' and there's too much inconsistency and weirdness. Whether he is meaning to play with your emotions or not, I think that's the effect and it won't do you any favours.

Some of what you've written reminds me of the scammers a friend of mine encountered with old. Eg. Not wanting to meet up, grooming you online daily for quite a while first, the strangely formal tone and the tone changes. Does he talk about working abroad too? (Whatever happens, don't give him any money!)

Even if he's sincere, he's unreliable, rude, inconsistent and has significant mh problems. Someone once said to me: The 'right man' at the wrong time is the wrong man. It served me well.

I would move on.

SandAndSea · 02/08/2019 00:43

I spent so long posting, I'm just catching up with the thread.

The casino pictures are classic - they can be designed to make it look like he's wealthy and successful.

Also, bear in mind that the tone changes could be because it's not always the same person writing to you. It may also be that he is not from where he says he is from and English (or whatever) isn't actually his first language.

Bottom line: He lives nearby. If he wanted to see you, he would have found a way by now.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 02/08/2019 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandAndSea · 02/08/2019 00:48

Just to add, having read back, I'm sorry if anything I've written sounds harsh as that wasn't my intention. I just want you to know that you deserve much more than this!

Onacleardayyoucansee · 02/08/2019 00:53

So, your intuition is talking to you but you are going to go anyway.
Trouble ahead.
This is destabilising.
Good relationships are stabilising.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2019 00:58

Ex military with ptsd, I wouldn't op
To be fair your having doubts already.

It feels like trouble

1Wildheartsease · 02/08/2019 00:59

You have nothing to reproach yourself with - nothing you have written is wrong.

I'm guessing that you have posted here because your senses are suggesting that there is something not right about the way this man presents himself. You'd like to believe that he is real - of course.

You are right to be suspicious. The odd tone and the sudden change of behaviour at the point of finally arranging to meet - the sudden introduction of MH difficulties and the un-matched things on social media... all 'out of tune'.

Do you smell a rat?

If you do continue to communicate - or even meet him - please do keep plenty of rodent-exterminator close by and carry a long stick.

Davespecifico · 02/08/2019 01:11

You booked a babysitter and he didn’t apologise for or even acknowledge the fact that you organised and paid for this.

I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole.

TimeWastingButFun · 02/08/2019 01:13

I don't know what ghosted means but I'm guessing he's married and has got cold feet on the actual mechanics of leaving the house to meet you. I hope I'm wrong though, but some people like to live part of their lives online and not in real life!

floribunda18 · 02/08/2019 01:17

I would clearly be terrible at online dating.

I would just arrange the date and turn up and expect them to, without messaging and video calling them several times in between to check whether they were still going or to say how much I was looking forward to meeting them or checking how many times they had been online and not contacted me.

It all sounds exhausting.

Original poster

Louluh · 02/08/2019 01:45

Hi all,

I'm not going on saturday and I'm going to stop speaking to him. I'll cite not being in the right place for dating after all and being too busy with work and the DC. I wont ghost him.

I've just had to get out of bed and stand in the garden to calm down from a panic attack

It's the first I've had like that in a few weeks.

I don't think it's related to this bloke per se but all of this palava clearly isn't helping maintain my peace and I'm probably not in the best place myself at the minute to be dealing with somebody else with MH problems. I'm going to come away from OLD and concentrate on my therapy.

It would be a disaster in the making anyhow, two people with PTSD.

He is from this country and fully British. I don't think he's after money, one because I don't have any to give him but mostly he appears to be doing well with his own business.

OP posts:

Original poster

Louluh · 02/08/2019 01:50

I did post initially because I smelt a rat yes, I had a dodgy feeling and I'm going to listen to it.

He doesn't know this but I was in an abusive relationship with horrible narcissist, as a result of that I'm fine tuned to little red flags and he's covered in them. I've spent a few years on my own and I wasn't sure whether to trust my judgement as I'm very cynical nowadays so backtracked to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'll be leaving it there.

OP posts:

susan82 · 02/08/2019 02:20

@louluh, I hope you are OK. You sound like you have a lot on your plate and I feel this man would be a (for want of a better way of putting it) a constant drain on you which would do your MH no favours. I sympathise with him of course as PTSD can be hell on earth but in this instance, you need to put yourself first. If you did get together with him and he regularly did the disappearing act in the future then you'd be constantly left wondering what you'd done and you'd be so insecure which you don't deserve. You deserve to be treated well by a man who is considerate. It does seem that he has more going on behind the scenes so in my opinion, you've had a lucky escape!
The right man will come along

Blablaa · 02/08/2019 02:38

From what you’ve said he doesn’t sound abusive/narcissist/sociopath etc. There’s definitely something off about him though and I call cheater. Could be wrong. But it sounds like he’s keeping his options open with you. Could have a wife, could have a gf, or could just be trying to string you along as a back up option. I’m glad you’ve decided not to meet him and I hope you find someone worth your time and effort soon x

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 02:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notsodimwit · 02/08/2019 02:52

For you op

Alislia17.......get off the thread you moron no one here is gonna rate your young hot ass! .....dick!

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 02:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Theneverendingcleaningcycle · 02/08/2019 07:14

for you op

Auramigraine · 02/08/2019 07:30

Good idea OP, I thought he was genuine until the casino photos went online, even if they are old etc, he would know you will see them and hasn’t explained them incase you thought he was lying, Hours after cancelling your date?

All seems too complicated and uneasy before a first date, I would put it down to experience and move on. Good luck for Monday x

MushySeas · 02/08/2019 07:43

God I'm so glad to see your update, OP. I think that's the best thing to do and your gut is right.

His story doesn't ring true and when you can't quite make sense of a situation, it always means something is amiss.

They way he disappeared, the message when he got back in touch, changing the plan and messing you about, and now your mental health is suffering from the drama -- this is not how good relationships begin!

I would also echo that ex military with PTSD, if true, would be a whole bucket of issues (if he is a bad egg, you'll always be thinking 'is this him or is it the PTSD?) and I wonder if it's better for you to focus on you right now, you sound so lovely!

I've recovered from C-PTSD so you have my sympathy and unmumsnetty hugs it does get better, there is hope.

NoWayDidISayThat · 02/08/2019 07:51

I'm glad to see your update too. You haven't even met the guy so if it doesn't feel right then you are right to move on.
Hope that you feel better soon.

1Wildheartsease · 02/08/2019 08:22

You sound lovely - and strong too. Being able to sniff out what is false and knowing that you deserve better is a very good sign.

All the best for your recovery.

LittlePaintBox · 02/08/2019 10:30

Good decision IMO, Loulouh. We can make all the allowances needed for friends and family in difficulties, but as a PP said, this seems like way too much faff and flakiness for a first date. You have to look at how his behaviour affects you, and it's had a bad effect.

FWIW, I had a friend who got heavily into OLD and she had a few experiences like this. Lots of men were very attentive until they met up, then the behaviour changed completely. One bloke came over to where she lived and said he was thinking of moving over there - then she saw he'd changed his status to 'available' on the site where she met him, and he never contacted her again!

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