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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have i been ghosted or is something wrong?

141 replies

Louluh · 01/08/2019 15:52

I have a breakfast date planned tomorrow with a guy I've been talking to online and over the phone for a few months, it was going to be the first time we met. He seemed very interested, he's very chatty and usually likes to exchange texts every day.

Usually he would send a "good morning I hope you have a good day today" text, but I haven't heard from him in three days. No big deal, he could easily have lost interest and changed his mind about meeting at the last minute so the obvious explanation would be that I'm being ghosted but his phone has been completely turned off for the past three days, I sent a breezy "looking forward to meeting you finally" message on WhatsApp but it's not been delivered, yet I haven't been blocked. I can see when he was last active.

I have him on Facebook and Instagram too and he hasn't been active there since three days ago either, which is unusual because he runs an online business and posts associated things once or twice a day, daily, yet there is radio silence across all social media.

If you were me would you be concerned something may have happened or chalk it up to a big elaborate ghosting?

OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 01/08/2019 18:35

Same thing has happened to me. Although we did actually meet and he'd asked for a second date. I just put it down to experience. I wanted to tell him off but I didn't want him to think I cared enough.

I blocked him and moved on. I've come off internet dating now. The experience wasn't my first like that and I'm tired of the games and shitty behaviour.

I'm sorry it happened to you too

PlinketyPlinketyPlonk · 01/08/2019 18:41

You were possibly a back up date.

He's likely texting various women online and someone he twattishly considers a 'better' date has come through after he agreed to meet with you.

But he doesn't want to actually ditch you, as the 'better' date may turn to shit. He'll want you again then. But if he actually calls it off with you now, you could move on, meet someone else and his back up is also gone.

Be prepared for him coming back to you in a few days time with some crap excuse.

Personally, I'd chalk it up to experience and consider him a prat. He's clearly not a nice person to arrange a date and then ignore you. Even if an emergency, hes been WhatsApp'ing so it would hurt him to quickly tap out "So sorry, can't make our date, family emergency, will be in touch when poss"

PlinketyPlinketyPlonk · 01/08/2019 18:42

*wouldn't hurt him

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 18:44

Ok so I have a reply, I wasn't expecting this. His message as follows..

Hello (Louluh) I hope you're well. I have to see the psychiatrist tomorrow for my PTSD referral. Will you be free on Monday evening to meet before I go to (destination for work) on the Tuesday morning? Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused x

What do we think of this?

Coincidentally, I have PTSD. I never told him this, but I'm starting EMDR therapy for exactly that... on Monday.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
feistymumma · 01/08/2019 18:45

This has just happened to me as well as I type. Was supposed to meet at 8 now silence. Bastards

LagunaBubbles · 01/08/2019 18:45

That's horrible, so sorry OP. I met my DH through newspaper adverts and we've been married 20 years now but I remember a lot more disasters and let downs before.

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 18:49

That sounds a bit like he wants a shag and a free bed on Monday night!

madeabooboo · 01/08/2019 18:49

I would say it's last minute and you've already arranged a sitter for tommorow. Then leave the ball in his court to rearrange

marns · 01/08/2019 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachelle11 · 01/08/2019 18:49

Accept his apology and meet with him if you are still interested. He seems sincere.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 01/08/2019 18:49

How do you feel about it?
Personally if his PTSD meant he bounced on meeting you, I'd assume he's not ready to date and consider myself well out of it.

Do you think your referral is at the same place? Do your think he's found out about yours?

WarmSausageTea · 01/08/2019 18:53

That sounds a bit like he wants a shag and a free bed on Monday night!

I read it that he’d be travelling later Monday evening for work on Tuesday - but I appreciate that it’s ambiguous at best.

bottleofbeer · 01/08/2019 18:54

I've read the whole thing and see he did respond but why do we all think it's better to say nothing and walk away, head held high?

If someone is rude, call them on it.

Theneverendingcleaningcycle · 01/08/2019 19:00

Hmm if you can make monday with no inconvienence to you I would, as you seemed keen. However I'd want a little bit more of an apology face to face I think.

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 19:03

There's no way he could have known about my PTSD as I kept everything back, I didn't want to over share too soon. He also didn't mention anything about his PTSD, but I do know he is ex military.

He won't be going to the same place that I see my therapist as he's in a different area.

I told him I can't do Monday because I have commitments, he replied saying "oh ok then i understand"

I then told him I could maybe do Saturday but he needs to be sure he isn't going to change his mind because I have to make further arrangements for the children.

He assured me he isn't going to change his mind and can't wait to meet me so to be at a certain restaurant at 5pm.

I don't know to be honest, I've got an "off" feeling now, not because he has PTSD obviously but he seems a bit sketchy.

@feistymumma I'm sorry you've been let down, some people are just bloody rude. I hope you manage to have a nice night regardless

OP posts:
AwfulFuckingHair · 01/08/2019 19:04

Have you asked him where he's been for the last three days?!

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 19:04

That made me laugh @fedup21 he's got more chance of platting piss than me bringing him home to where my kids are Grin

OP posts:
PlinketyPlinketyPlonk · 01/08/2019 19:07

Hello (Louluh) I hope you're well .......... Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused x

Does he text like that all the time? It sounds like a business email! That's how I start emails to my clients, and "apologise for any inconvenience caused" if business plans need to be altered. But I wouldn't text a potential romantic partner like that. Weird

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 19:08

@AwfulFuckingHair Nope I haven't, I could well drop it into conversation now he's reappeared though.

I will give him the benefit or the doubt and see him Saturday I think, but if he messes me about again he can sod off. Its not nice at all being left wondering.

OP posts:
Pollyhops · 01/08/2019 19:09

I’d give him the benefit on the doubt too.

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 19:10

@PlinketyPlinketyPlonk it's not too dissimilar to his usual style of text but you're right it does sound very formal. Usually he's one for emojis.

He's reverted back to kissy emojis and happy faces now but I too was a bit Hmm at his first response.

I've sent similar to clients in work myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 19:13

I'm sorry you were messed around @PhannyPharts internet dating can be shit. I haven't had much luck with it in the past and was all but ready to chin it off.

OP posts:
Greyhound22 · 01/08/2019 19:13

It sounds like very hard work before you've already met him to be honest.

I think it's bad considering he knows you've booked childcare.

If you're really keen maybe meet him Sat but I wouldn't put up with any further of the same.

Original poster
Louluh · 01/08/2019 19:16

@LagunaBubbles I think that is lovely, that you met through newspaper adverts. I've never spoken to anybody else who met their DH that way Smile

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 01/08/2019 19:16

I'd definitely give him the benefit of the doubt here