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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering getting back together with an Ex?

132 replies

ReinetteP · 01/08/2019 09:57

We split up in June. His decision. He is now seeing someone else. He hasn't told me this, and every interaction I have with him involves him volunteering unprompted how much he misses me, how pretty I look in recent SM photos, etc. How much he can't bear not having me in his life, etc.

We have arranged to meet up at the weekend ostensibly for an air clear. I do still love him however I have been massively hurt by being dumped out of the blue, and by him still soft soaping me while I know he is in a relationship with someone else (she is referring to him as her bf on SM so even if he isn't that interested, she clearly is and he has encouraged/ allowed that).

I do still love him (we were together for a long time, had planned out the rest of our lives) and I am not normally someone who says never, but I do feel maybe this is broken beyond repair and I refuse to be made a mug of or engage in a pick me dance. I know we are incredibly compatible, we have a massive physical attraction to each other and we were each other's best friends. Which is a lot to give up on. But then he chose to do that (I suggested some time apart, but he said that wasnt enough).

I have no idea what he's going to say when I see him...but are there any circumstances in which you would consider getting back together with him if my friends are right and that is his agenda? Or is there any way you would be friends?

Currently I don't feel I can agree either especially as he's still pursuing things with this woman and letting her think they have a future but I don't want to look back on this with regret...

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 01/08/2019 10:00

I'd be very wary. Why did he end it? Did he give good reasons or was it because his eye had been caught by his current squeeze? If so, do not go back, he'll do it again.

Inferiorbeing · 01/08/2019 10:00

It sounds like he wants everything, my Dsis had an ex like this that kept her dangling on a string for months. The minute she cut him off she realised how much more she was worth and now is with a lovely guy and is planning a future with him. Don't give him the power that you will always come running when he calls.

MRex · 01/08/2019 10:01

You need to ask him about this other relationship and be sure he isn't lying you you. He dumped you, now he wants you back but while shagging someone else - there are some serious issues there. How old are you both and how long were you together?

ErrolTheDragon · 01/08/2019 10:02

he's still pursuing things with this woman and letting her think they have a future

If you read that in someone else's thread, would you hesitate to say YABU to the idea of getting back together - even assuming that's what he wants, which from what you've written I doubt.

Sorry.Thanks

Original poster
ReinetteP · 01/08/2019 10:16

We are both in our 40s. We were together for a number of years, no joint DC.

We had a number of issues but were to my mind working through them and had started having counselling. I was at least partly to blame for the difficulties. I have done some work on myself in the weeks since we split and I feel I am better able now to address those issues going forward. We did also have to go through some really traumatic times - serious illness, sudden bereavement, ongoing court proceedings, major home and car issues....those things all happened in tbe last 4 years and cast a huge shadow over the relationship, at times it felt like what would go wrong next. I thought we had weathered the storm...but not in his mind.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 01/08/2019 10:18

he is not worth it. he will do the same to you as he is doing to her

Scorpiovenus · 01/08/2019 10:21

I will bet money that this will not end well if you do.

Original poster
ReinetteP · 01/08/2019 10:26

I don't know whether they got together after we split (and if he told her we had split literally days earlier) or if he'd started things already.

I do think he does want me back. However I am certain he doesn't realise I know about the new woman. Or thinks he can give me some bs about it being casual when I know that she doesn't think it's casual at all!

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 01/08/2019 10:34

we were each other's best friends.
Except best friends don't dump each other, refuse requests to consider time apart as an alternative to splitting up, immediately replace that best friend with A.N.Other, then impulsively decide they want their previous best friend back again.

he's still pursuing things with this woman and letting her think they have a future but I don't want to look back on this with regret
Let's call this what it is.
He is 2-timing this woman by pursuing you.
Given the immediacy of his relationship, it's likely that he was also 2-timing you - with her.

He's not your best friend.
If you go back with him, he will 2-time you again, dump you again ... maybe even plead to get back together with you again ...
Do you want to go through all that pain a second time?

Suppose you had just met him, & he was asking you out despite his existing relationship with this other woman? Would you seriously accept a date with a known cheater?
Why does already knowing him change any of that?

The only thing you need to keep from this dead relationship is the counselling you entered into at the time. Please give that to yourself instead of weakening to the pull of old times.

lavenderbluedilly · 01/08/2019 10:45

There is nothing to gain from meeting him while he is still in a relationship with someone else. You obviously still have strong feelings for him and you don’t know if he wants to be with you if not. This isn’t the way to find out.

Meeting him under these circumstances will have one of two outcomes:
1 - he doesn’t want to get back together with you
2 - he does, but then dithers about the new woman and this keeps you dangling.
Either way, you get hurt.

If he wants to be with you, let him break up with the new woman, then come running back to you. But for your own sanity, self esteem and dignity, don’t let him know you are readily available and waiting for him to decide.

Original poster
ReinetteP · 01/08/2019 10:51

I have not given any impression that I would even consider getting back with him. Indeed I have said I can't even see us being able to be friends. He is still checking my SM to see if I have met anyone else (although stupidly he fails to realise that if I had, I wouldn't be advertising it where he could see it).

Part of the reason to see him is because I want to put him on the spot about this new woman.

OP posts:
bodgeitandscarper · 01/08/2019 11:01

Honestly I wouldn't even question him about his new woman, I'd show him the same lack of respect he has shown and is continuing to show you.

I pretty much guarantee that he will do the same thing again and your only regret would be ever having met up with him again.

I'd move on and let him see what he's missed out on and not give him the time of day. If you don't respect yourself then nobody else will.

Original poster
ReinetteP · 01/08/2019 11:23

I have plenty of respect for myself which is why I want to call him out on his duplicity. I don't need to show him what he's missing as he seems to already realise that from checking my SM. Nothing that happens now is going to hurt more than him dumping me out of the blue the first time.

I also intend to make clear to him that he is not behaving like my best friend. If he thought we were over then yes go and meet someone else, although I think the fact he did so with such undue haste (they were holidaying together within weeks, and she is clearly attached to him/ believes she is in a relationship) speaks volumes. But if after doing that he realised it wasn't right, or regretted our break up/ missed me then the way to go about it was to end it with her first and THEN contact me to say how much he misses me. Not do that while they're still an item.

OP posts:
MRex · 01/08/2019 12:45

40s!!! I thought you were going to say early 20s when some cold feet might eventually be excused. No, bin him off and find a new best friend.

Original poster
ReinetteP · 01/08/2019 13:28

I think he realised he over reacted and ended things when the option of a break was a better alternative. However he is scared of being on his own (basically always has gone from one relationship straight to another) so clearly thinks hedging his bets and keeping her around while he tests the waters with me is his best bet. Which it clearly isn't.

OP posts:
iano · 01/08/2019 13:51

Op have you considered that he might want to meet with you to tell you about this relationship? Perhaps he thinks it's a kind thing to do?

Don't meet him, block him on SM and move on. He's not your best friend and he's probably cheated on you.

Move on!

PhillyLift · 01/08/2019 13:55

Why are you so certain he thinks you don't know about his new relationship? It's publically available information on his new girlfriend's social media, even if it's not on his. If he was concerned with you not finding out, surely he would have asked her not to refer to herself as his girlfriend where anyone can see?

PhillyLift · 01/08/2019 14:02

And honestly, what person allows someone to refer to themselves as a girlfriend if it's not the case? She'd have to be very odd to write that if it wasn't something they had discussed and agreed upon, surely?

I think this idea that perhaps she is super keen and him not so much is wishful thinking really. He might be telling you all these things about you looking nice and not being able to imagine you no longer in his life, but his actions are that he has moved on, and is in another relationship (and if he dumped you out of the blue and then she appeared very quickly, how do you know it wasn't the case he dumped you for her?)

He might not have explicitly told you about her, but has he ever said he isn't seeing someone else?

I just think you might be misinterpreting things. Sure, he might want to check on you to see if you've met someone else. He might want you in his life in some form. But that does not mean he wants to dump this other woman, or that he is not really in a relationship with her, or that he actually wants you back.

It may just mean he isn't keen on you moving on or not knowing what you are up to - sadly lots of people feel that way after ending a relationship. They might not want to be with that person anymore but they don't want them moving on too fast either. It's an ego thing, not an 'I desperately want you back' thing.

SparklyMagpie · 01/08/2019 14:07

@iano makes a really good point, he could be wanting to tell you about her

Original poster
ReinetteP · 01/08/2019 17:35

He absolutely wouldn't meet me to tell me about this new woman. I know him well enough to know that's not his style. And honestly if his heart was in this new relationship he wouldn't be texting me telling me how pretty% attractive I look. I know I'm attractive, I don't need his validation nor was I seeking it...

Anyway I'll see what he has to say. Even if he wants me back I'm not sure for many reasons that's what I want or what would benefit me. But his lack of commitment to this current woman is pretty clear, if he was happy with her he wouldn't be repeatedly finding reasons to contact me nor suggesting we meet.

OP posts:
spam390 · 01/08/2019 18:25

WTF are you thinking ??

He dumps you out of the blue then keeps you 'on ice' while he's having a great time bonking someone new !!!!!

And you're actually thinking you might want this cretin back ????

Sorry, but you're worth more hon.

As the song says ' If you're under him, you ain't getting over him'

Don't ever believe his lies again.

Ginger1982 · 01/08/2019 18:30

Don't sleep with him!

IncrediblySadToo · 01/08/2019 18:37

Well there’s not much wrong with your self esteem that’s for sure

cottonwoolsnowmen · 01/08/2019 18:51

This is all kinds of messed up.

Why do you know he checks your SM?

Why are you still in contact with him?

If you know him so well as to be confident he doesn't want to meet you to tell you about this woman, presumably you saw it coming when he dumped you? And you anticipated he'd hook up with someone new immediately? And you expected that he'd be spinning you lines whilst in a relationship with another woman?

You're telling yourself stories and creating a fantasy of what you wish was happening here. It's not real.

If he cared about you he wouldn't have hurt you and then prevented you from healing by continuing to mess with your head and your heart.

Your self esteem can't be that high if you think being treated like this is what being cared for and loved looks like.

Sounds like he gets off on seeing you so desperate for his love you can't move forward or step away from him. You're dancing on a string here.

Original poster
ReinetteP · 01/08/2019 19:47

I know he checks my SM because he tells me each time he initiates contact with me. I'm not chasing him begging him to take me back. In fact I've not contacted him except to reply to him. He is the one commenting on my attractiveness etc.

I think my self esteem is fine, I have a pretty good opinion of myself. If and it's a very big if I do want him back, I have no doubt he would jump at the chance.

However the previous issues in our relationship are still there. I have worked on my side and am continuing to do so, and I'd need to know it was the same for him. I'd also need him to own how poorly he's behaved both in finishing with me and since then and how he intends to address it. That would be an absolute minimum (plus of course immediately ending his current relationship). And even then I am still not entirely sure that's enough. I don't expect him to be all mea culpa and wear a hair shirt but if he is sorry for what he's done (he says he is) and he wants me back (which seems likely) he is going about it really badly and if he doesn't see that he is really lacking in emotional intelligence .

OP posts: