To be considering getting back together with an Ex?

[ReinetteP]

We split up in June. His decision. He is now seeing someone else. He hasn't told me this, and every interaction I have with him involves him volunteering unprompted how much he misses me, how pretty I look in recent SM photos, etc. How much he can't bear not having me in his life, etc.

We have arranged to meet up at the weekend ostensibly for an air clear. I do still love him however I have been massively hurt by being dumped out of the blue, and by him still soft soaping me while I know he is in a relationship with someone else (she is referring to him as her bf on SM so even if he isn't that interested, she clearly is and he has encouraged/ allowed that).

I do still love him (we were together for a long time, had planned out the rest of our lives) and I am not normally someone who says never, but I do feel maybe this is broken beyond repair and I refuse to be made a mug of or engage in a pick me dance. I know we are incredibly compatible, we have a massive physical attraction to each other and we were each other's best friends. Which is a lot to give up on. But then he chose to do that (I suggested some time apart, but he said that wasnt enough).

I have no idea what he's going to say when I see him...but are there any circumstances in which you would consider getting back together with him if my friends are right and that is his agenda? Or is there any way you would be friends?

Currently I don't feel I can agree either especially as he's still pursuing things with this woman and letting her think they have a future but I don't want to look back on this with regret...

Has he said he wants you back though? At present as things stand, he’s dumped you for another woman, as blunt as this might sound.

Sorry, but the other ladies have a good point, he may well be looking to meet you to tell you about this new relationship. He might think taking you that you're attractive and he misses you are nice things to say, because he doesn't know how to talk to you otherwise.

It's pretty clear he does want me back. I dont have any doubts on that score. I don't have any proof that he knew her before we split; he may have, or he may not.

He doesn't need to talk to me - although frankly over the many years we were together our conversation wasn't limited to paying each other compliments so I'm sure he could think of something else to say if he was simply chewing the fat. He wants to see me, says how sad he is without me. Someone in a new happy relationship isn't telling their ex partner they are sad without them! Especially when that ex has made no attempt to contact them or given any indication that they want a reconciliation.

Anyway as I've said I'll see him and see what he has to say. I'm still not sure I would agree a reconciliation so whether or not I'm right may make little difference in the end.

And does this other woman he’s seeing know about this, I wonder? Sounds like he’s a real catch for you both...

I think my self esteem is fine, I have a pretty good opinion of myself.

And yet here you are, debating how much your ex still wants you & how you are attractive enough to take him back from the OW if you wished to.

Sorry my dear. That's not high self-esteem. That's assessing your worth by whether a 2-timing man wants you.

A woman with true self-esteem would not be giving this ex any more headspace, & would be out spending time with worthwhile, loyal friends. She would be open to meeting a FAITHFUL man, not an ex who's already blotted his copybook & is so shabby he's happy to string the OW along while you play games with how much attention he will unilaterally give you on social media ... as if that were any indication of personal worth.

I would hazard that, quite probably subconciously, you are in quiet competition with this OW who probably knows nothing about you. You would be far better off walking away, & focusing your qualities on a man who doesn't jerk you, or any other woman, around like this.

I think his heart's not in it with new GF. So he wants the ego massage of feeling desirable still, by seeing you.

Regardless of his intentions, he's stringing the other poor girl along, all the while pulling the rug from under you when I guess you're just starting to try and get over him dumping you.

Has your own SM shown you out having good time, or just generally getting on with and enjoying life? If so, that's going to bruise his ego. He no doubt wants you sat on the sofa, alone, in your PJs, crying into your Horlicks, while watching Bridget Jones.

He made his choice. Don't be a mug. He's someone else's problem now OP. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Oh op come off it. He is currently sleeping with someone else. Move on.

Block him on SM, don't meet him to "clear the air " he cleared it by throwing the relationship away. You don't have kids together, cut your losses and live your life.
Move on and find a person who doesn't play games.

You're obviously going to take in back. Why have you stayed in contact with a man who treated you like that. Why are you responding to text, why haven't you blocked him? He's with another woman now, he's telling you he wants you back, god knows what he's telling her. Do you really want to be sloppy seconds after his had his bit on fun on his break. And ok people make mistakes and maybe he's though he's done the wrong thing but he hasn't finished with this other woman and gone to you realising that he could never be happy with her only you, he's still with her, he's keeping you both warm while he decides, If you have high self esteem like you say certainly don't get back with a man who treats you like this.

The limited amount he can see on SM is photos of me looking my best (this is nothing new, I would only ever share the nicest, most flattering photos of myself!)

I do think he regrets his decision to end things with me. However I agree (and have said above) the correct approach would be to finish with her, own his mistake both in seeing her and ending our relationship, and approach me on that basis. Being honest about having fucked up. Shit happens and people make mistakes but it's how you deal with those mistakes that is important. And I dont think the way he is dealing with this is demonstrating any emotional intelligence. At best it's selfish and naive, at worst manipulative.

Maybe he will have a cogent explanation for it all. But in the absence of that and him being able to show he has learned from this and changed, even though I have no doubt he wants me back and this new relationship is not one he is committed to, I wouldn't take him back.

I will see him over the weekend and see what he has to say. And have my say too. And that will either bring things to a final conclusion or indicate a way forward.

I'm sorry you're hurting, it's enormously hard to say goodbye to someone we've truly loved. If you let him back in now despite him carrying on another sexual relationship however then you are opening a very unpleasant door to him having additional flings whenever he wants, because he can just get away with it. Is this what you'd want for a good friend of yours? Aren't you worth more? In 66m people in the UK there must be say 7m single ones, so 3.5m unattached men. Let's say just over a quarter in in your age range, that's 1 million men. Could you just play the field a bit to see if you like one of them instead?

We always used to say that we were the one that each other had been looking for all our lives. As our favourite poem said 'if ever any beauty I did see which I desired and got twas but a dream of thee'
I'd never had the same level of physical/ emotional / cerebral attraction with anyone else, not even 50% of it, and nor had he. We had so much in common, so many shared views and opinions, often he wpuld say exactly what I was thinking and vice versa. And yet ultimately none of that at the point he ended our relationship was good enough.

It was for me. I hope that he CAN come up with some cogent explanation, some demonstration of genuine change but I doubt it. And if he can't then there is no second chance. I can meet someone else of course, but I'm not sure I can be bothered if it will only ever be a pale imitation of what I had. I think I'd rather be alone.

It won't be a "pale imitation", it will be someone who values you enough not to wander off to shag somebody else. The sweet romance is all lovely, but it has strong element of fantasy and is utterly pointless if you can't rely on the person to be there through thick and thin. The calm happiness of being truly loved and able to be truly yourself can be much nicer than fluffy romance to me. What if you have spots, are doing stinky farts, want to lie on the sofa unwashed, etc - to me the real romance is with that somebody who'll still sit there with you, tell you a joke and then make dinner. Romance is that person who you can ask to check something weird on your bum or vice versa, who you can feel free to argue with because they won't just walk out and you'll work out the issues as a team, who takes your stinky socks off when you're pregnant.

Have a break, do nice things for yourself to heal, then when you're ready you can try to be open to finding the man who's really right for you. This cheater isn't him.

We did all of that too, we were together for years. I was there when he was told he had cancer (and for all follow ups, he is now ok), And for loads of other mundane stuff. I was always myself with him. I never felt I had to pretend or not show my true feelings and nor did he. It wasn't all hearts and flowers but we always got through every challenge together. He always did support and care for me and vice versa.

I won't rewrite the past just because of what he's done to our relationship in the last couple of months. We were a fucking brilliant team and I'd rather be alone than not have that again.

He sounds like such a catch. He's sleeping with someone else whilst convincing you he wants you back. Makes sense 🤔

I know it hurts, but this is all wrong.
RUN RUN RUN
This will hurt a lot more in the future.

It won't hurt any more than it does now. It can't.

And I dont think the way he is dealing with this is demonstrating any emotional intelligence. At best it's selfish and naive, at worst manipulative

You are so right.
And yet ...

either bring things to a final conclusion or indicate a way forward.
... here you are, almost in the same breath considering 'a way forward' with the sleazebag.

He's made you play the "pick me game", & you are over-invested in someone whose behaviour is disrespectful & dishonest. You are far less in control that you imagine or are looking to portray here.
Please wise up, be kind to yourself, & write him off.

some demonstration of genuine change but I doubt it

What? Even as you post, he is giving you that demonstration. He is shagging someone else, lying to her, & asking you to accept him as a two-timer.

What further demonstration do you need? Why are you hoping that he will find some form of words that could trump his actions? (Hint: there aren't any.)

It won't hurt any more than it does now. It can't.

Then go forward, not backward.
He is playing with you. Don't be his toy.

Spend some time alone & let yourself heal.
"Comparisons are odious" ... any GOOD future relationship with a new man will be different, it won't be "better" or "worse", it will be what it is & what you & your future partner make it. You don't know what that will feel like. Save yourself for that lovely surprise.

I honestly want to hear what he has to say; I can't imagine how he could explain or excuse his behaviour but no one knows everything. So we'll have a conversation. I have a few observations I'd like to share with him too. And if he has nothing unexpected or surprising to say, nothing will change and we'll be as done as we are now. However much he may say he wants me back.

There won't be any surprises with a future relationship. I'm old enough and have seen enough of the world and men to know what I had was what I wanted. And that I don't want something less than that, which is the only alternative. So I'd rather be alone.

OK @ReinetteP. You are clearly hoping for him for him to justify himself before taking him back.

Your need to meet him again is upsettingly akin to a junkie craving "just one last fix" (which it never is) because they simply cannot give up, & no other life experience that they could have instead of their fix could be what they want & will always be "less".

As you'd already decided to forge ahead, it seems a bit off to have asked for advice & rejected everything you didn't want to hear out of hand, but it's your life.

I do wish you wouldn't write yourself off - & by extension the rest of humanity! - as having no surprises left in you, but as you have closed your mind to the possibility that anybody on the whole wide planet could measure up to Mr Sleazy ... all I can offer is good luck.

I haven't read the whole thread or even the full first post but I just want to say....

Never get back together with an ex. It is the gateway drug to all sorts of low self esteem and mental health issues. The guy usually sees the girl as vulnerable/exploitable and this can very easily make a person become co-dependent. Don't do it! You're walking in to an emotionally abusive situation.

I'm certainly getting vibes of "The lady doth protest too much". I agree with everything Mussolini9 said. You say you'll only get back together with him, if he acknowledges his role in the problems you had, but it really comes across as though you're desperate to get back together. You sound like you're trying to convince yourself that you believe what you're saying.

If you really didn't want to get back with him, you certainly wouldn't need, or want, to talk to him again.

I know exactly what I'm saying and what I want to do. We had an amazing relationship that was the envy of everyone we knew. People always commented on how happy we we're, how well suited. IF there was a way to get that back then I would be a fool not to consider it. Especially as I will never meet anyone I'm as compatible with again given I've never had a fraction of the attraction to someone's personality, body and mind as I do to him.

However that is a very big IF. I have said for me that there are only certain circumstances in which a relationship could restart. And in the absence of that, then as I said in my last message we will be as done as we are now. Nothing will change.

I would like him to have an explanation for it all. But I am realistic enough to know that is unlikely and prepared for that outcome.