To be considering getting back together with an Ex?

[ReinetteP]

We split up in June. His decision. He is now seeing someone else. He hasn't told me this, and every interaction I have with him involves him volunteering unprompted how much he misses me, how pretty I look in recent SM photos, etc. How much he can't bear not having me in his life, etc.

We have arranged to meet up at the weekend ostensibly for an air clear. I do still love him however I have been massively hurt by being dumped out of the blue, and by him still soft soaping me while I know he is in a relationship with someone else (she is referring to him as her bf on SM so even if he isn't that interested, she clearly is and he has encouraged/ allowed that).

I do still love him (we were together for a long time, had planned out the rest of our lives) and I am not normally someone who says never, but I do feel maybe this is broken beyond repair and I refuse to be made a mug of or engage in a pick me dance. I know we are incredibly compatible, we have a massive physical attraction to each other and we were each other's best friends. Which is a lot to give up on. But then he chose to do that (I suggested some time apart, but he said that wasnt enough).

I have no idea what he's going to say when I see him...but are there any circumstances in which you would consider getting back together with him if my friends are right and that is his agenda? Or is there any way you would be friends?

Currently I don't feel I can agree either especially as he's still pursuing things with this woman and letting her think they have a future but I don't want to look back on this with regret...

Have you ever thought that he might tell you everything you want to hear so he can have sex with you until he finds someone else that peaks his interest more?

When someone shows you their lack of character once, don't ask the question again.

With all due respect OP you've posted asking for advice and now you're just ignoring any opinion that doesn't fit your desired narrative.

If you know how you feel and what you want then what is your question?

He's not being very nice or mature and you're being complicit in that behaviour. If you're cool with it then you're an adult and nobody can tell you what to do, but you must have asked for people's thoughts because you're less sure of yourself than you say.

You're going round in circles on here and in your own head but seem unwilling to take a step back and take on board other views.

Hope this sorts itself out with minimum collateral damage for everyone involved - good luck!

But if your relationship was the envy of everyone you know, what did they say when he left you?

I hope you find what you're looking for from meet in him, anyway

*meeting, autocorrect

i would like him to have an explanation for it all. But I am realistic enough to know that is unlikely and prepared for that outcome.

Honestly? Very likely along the lines of

"I didn't know what I was giving up until I lost you and then realised I couldn't live without you... unless you don't feel the same in which case it's cool coz I have a back up plan, this girl I'm seeing to make sure I don't have to be single either way."

Come on OP you're obviously going to meet up with him but if his explanation is along the lines above (obviously he won't say the second bit out loud) then will that be good enough for you? If so then crack on I guess, but it wouldn't be enough for me.

No, a response like that simply wouldn't be good enough. I have previously said as much. I would need to see more, including but not limited to some genuine acknowledgment of wrong and commitment to future change. I love him and miss him, but thinking he's made a mistake and saying sorry doesn't cut it. He hasn't forgotten my birthday, he's ended our relationship (when we could have just taken a break as I suggested) and started a new relationship if not before ours ended then at best days later.

What did friends say when we split up..they were all utterly shocked without exception. One asked whether he was having some kind of breakdown or midlife crisis.

He hasn't forgotten my birthday, he's ended our relationship (when we could have just taken a break as I suggested) and started a new relationship if not before ours ended then at best days later.

Exactly my point OP - there is no excuse good enough to make up for this. This sounds like it eventually turned into a pretty codependent, us against the world relationship that then turned and continues to be toxic.

He's behaving appallingly still by disrespecting his new partner by showering you with compliments behind her back while not even acknowledging her existence to you.

You should want a future with someone who hasn't deeply hurt you and let you down in the past. Time to move on I think.

It just doesn't sound like being in a relationship with him is actually what you want, you just want the relationship you thought you originally had. And you want it to end happily this time.

And I get that - I've been there - but sometimes we love the potential we see in someone more than their reality.

You ask how can it hurt more but going through the heartbreak of this not working out again will hurt more so you'll be desperate for it to work out and probably overlook a lot of bad behaviour on his part.

It might not sound like it but I'm rooting for you - say goodbye to his chapter of your life and look forward to new beginnings that don't require forgiveness and huge risk in order to even get off the ground.

What does it say about you that you are prepared te meet up with a man who has a girlfriend already? And potentially discuss getting back together? You aren't showing much respect for his gf are you?

The reason why I originally posted is that I do know people who have split up for weeks/ months/ years and then got back together successfully. It does happen. I didn't want to not give him one chance to explain because mistakes happen. And maybe I could be one of those people if he can give me the responses I need. I won't take anything less at this point though. I have my minimum expectation very clear in my mind.

The other relationship is a massive aggravating factor too. Because if he'd gone off and shagged around a bit I wouldn't have known. I wouldn't have wanted to know. I wouldn't feel there was any active deceit there as such (unless I'd asked him if he'd had sex while we split and he denied it of course). But he's involved in a relationship which is ridiculous given the length of time we've been apart but also duplicitous because he's avoided any mention of it to me, and I'd be astonished if she knows about him contacting me too. So he is deceiving us both. And even if he justifies this as I don't need to know because I might not want him back, and she doesn't need to know because he's not serious about her, or whatever, that doesn't justify it.

If our relationship had not been as amazing as it was, had he not been vastly superior in every way to every other man I've ever met, I wouldn't even be speaking to him now.

It's starting to read like a modern Jane Austen - careful OP you're falling into superlatives and putting him on a pedestal.

No-one is perfect and no relationship is. You need to be willing to work through things when the get tough and he wasn't, he hurt you.

I don't owe his new 'girlfriend' anything though. Firstly he's not given me any indication she exists. Had I not done my own investigation to protect myself I would think he was single.

Secondly for all I know they were involved whilst our relationship was still ongoing. If that is the case then clearly she had no thought for me.

Thirdly we are meeting for a conversation. No more. If he gives me the responses I need, the next step will be for him to end this involvement with her. I certainly won't be doing anything more than a civil conversation until then. And of course that's ONLY if he can provide the right answers...which I acknowledge is possibly/ probably not going to happen.

Frownette we've been through and supported each other through years of tough times - I mentioned upthread I was by his side for his cancer appointments. There's been other major (traumatic) life events for both of us. But we always dealt with those hurdles together, as a team.

Years ago my now DH and I broke up when we were just boyfriend/girlfriend but we did live together. He initiated it and I was absolutely heartbroken, didn’t see it coming or understand it, we had our whole lives mapped out and were talking about getting engaged. I had to pick myself up off the floor but it was horrendous, I lost 14pounds in under two weeks. Eventually I was ok, actually better than ok, I do think I lost myself abit in our relationship and the time apart did me the world of good and taught me some harsh life lessons. 4 months after we broke up he came back with his tail between his legs begging me to give him another chance, it took a lot of convincing on his part but in the end we got back together; he had to build up my trust again massively. He said that he felt that he just needed to split because it all felt to much and that he had felt like he had lost himself and that I had changed dramatically (I had). Looking back I actually think it was the best thing that ever happened to both of us but for entirely different reasons. 10years later we’re married with two kids and we have a very happy marriage.

I can't decide if you're talking yourself into this or out of it!

If our relationship had not been as amazing as it was, had he not been vastly superior in every way to every other man I've ever met, I wouldn't even be speaking to him now.

One of my exes is the nicest person I have ever met in my life. Great connection, genuine mutual care and love, amazing chemistry. It didn't work out - there isn't even animosity there. That's life. Love isn't always enough.

He may well be "vastly superior" (and sounds like he feels entitled to act as he is) to the men you've met in your life, but it doesn't mean he's the one you should be with forever.

He's an ex for a reason and he's still behaving terribly while in a relationship - isn't that a red flag? He's having these conversations with you while shagging his poor girlfriend. He sounds like a dick OP.

Cut him off and raise the bar - you'll find someone "vastly superior" to him who won't cheat on you and then treat their next partner like shit.

Best partner so far is different to best partner you'll ever meet. You say you're attractive and intelligent and have plenty of self confidence - believe in yourself enough to assume at some point you'll meet someone who doesn't cause this kind of headache.

You're still grieving. Two months is no time at all.

Firstly he's not given me any indication she exists. Had I not done my own investigation to protect myself I would think he was single.

I don't think you're making the point you think you are (that you owe her nothing because you're not supposed to know she exists) it just means he is being an absolute arsehole to both of you and hasn't changed enough to start having mature, kind, honest relationships.

Good luck OP, he sounds like a nob.

The reason why I originally posted is that I do know people who have split up for weeks/ months/ years and then got back together successfully.

You think they got back together successfully but it can either

A. Take time to go sour.
B. Be a situation where the woman is stuck now (think finances).
C. The woman develops mental health issues and convinces herself that everything is ok while she's cheated on or abused in other ways.

Think about this very carefully and think about the power you give to a potential abuser when he knows you will be there no matter what.

I think you would be absolutely mad to OP, based on what you have said I think you will get horribly messed about and hurt

I'm starting to feel like your mother and wanting to ground you and send you to your room.

I hope you enjoy talking as you have shared history/communication patterns but keep vigilant about any flattering and don't let him wheedle you around. Do bear the girlfriend in mind as well

Sorry the there's someone better out there speech doesn't work in my case. Yes there's probably plenty of nice men out there who many women would be satisfied with. But i don't want someone "nice". I'm acerbic, sarcastic, quick witted, I cant deal with a doormat...He is like me in all that. Not exactly like me, most of our interests are different but there is common ground. I get you think I'm idealising him, I'm not. He has faults like anyone even leaving this current debacle out of it, as I do. But I've seen enough of the world and of men to know that he is one of only 2-3 men I've felt were on my wavelength. And the other 2 were not physically attractive to me in any way or vice versa.

Hence I want to give this a final chance. If it doesn't work then I'll be fine on my own. But to me it is worth giving him this one opportunity.

I'm going to be completely honest with you.

Life isn't a fairy tale story. You may never find a perfect match, but the pain you have felt is from your ex and if he has put you through that pain once, he will put you through it again, is not worth it. If you aren't with him, he'll be putting someone else through that pain. It has nothing to do with who he is with. He is playing 2 women off and he doesn't give a shit. He has no morals. He will screw you over and not give the slightest bit of a fuck. It's a cold fact of life. People look out for themselves, but men without morals do it in the worst ways. Be thankful you know this now before you have a kid or something with him.

Being alone is better than being in intermittent pain. Don't fool yourself in believing this would never happen again, because it will, but by that time you will be so invested as far as all the time you have been with him and you will look the other way. He won't ever give a shit but he'll always find a way to spin his words about it. Cut your losses and get away from this narcissist.

So you've made up your mind. Its not if but when

But why are you 'giving him' anything? He's apparently had/has a girlfriend since you split in June. You were there for him through cancer scare, he wasn't there for you when he left. He was up for sex with someone else though no matter how wounded the poor little soldier was.

It's a bit late now as you're meeting but beware of flattery and flowery language. It means nothing.

they were holidaying together within weeks

Sounds like he was cheating on you. Not many people would holiday with someone they don't know that well.

I wouldn't be the back up girl.

I get what you mean about combative, playful interaction but if he ups and leaves again it will hurt more than the first time. And won't someone think of the girlfriend??