To be considering getting back together with an Ex?

[ReinetteP]

We split up in June. His decision. He is now seeing someone else. He hasn't told me this, and every interaction I have with him involves him volunteering unprompted how much he misses me, how pretty I look in recent SM photos, etc. How much he can't bear not having me in his life, etc.

We have arranged to meet up at the weekend ostensibly for an air clear. I do still love him however I have been massively hurt by being dumped out of the blue, and by him still soft soaping me while I know he is in a relationship with someone else (she is referring to him as her bf on SM so even if he isn't that interested, she clearly is and he has encouraged/ allowed that).

I do still love him (we were together for a long time, had planned out the rest of our lives) and I am not normally someone who says never, but I do feel maybe this is broken beyond repair and I refuse to be made a mug of or engage in a pick me dance. I know we are incredibly compatible, we have a massive physical attraction to each other and we were each other's best friends. Which is a lot to give up on. But then he chose to do that (I suggested some time apart, but he said that wasnt enough).

I have no idea what he's going to say when I see him...but are there any circumstances in which you would consider getting back together with him if my friends are right and that is his agenda? Or is there any way you would be friends?

Currently I don't feel I can agree either especially as he's still pursuing things with this woman and letting her think they have a future but I don't want to look back on this with regret...

I know life isn't a fairy tale. Trust me I have been through enough awful things in my life to be well aware of it.

The point is that he was all the things I wanted in a man and relationship. And I was for him. And although we have been through dreadful events we stayed together and rode those storms. The several years we've had together have been far from plain sailing due to external events. However I thought we were committed to facing any obstacle together.

Sometimes relationships can be saved. Look at the post by xmas upthread. But I'm not expecting that to be the case here because he has a lot to explain and I can't see justification for almost any of it.

We will meet, I will hear him out. If I don't hear what I need to then nothing changes and we are where we are. If that is ths case l will however tell him not to continue to contact me going forward. It is unnecessary.

Well, like I said upthread good luck, will check later to see if you update.

I really do mean beware of flattery though, take it at face value

Are you meeting this evening OP?

You can only see what he says but I would prepare yourself to really put this relationship to bed. It's unbearably difficult, I know, but I'm not convinced it's salvageable.

But you DON'T have an amazing relationship!

He's being a big ol' liar ( to you) and is happy to string along another woman.

Which suggests that he has very little moral fibre.

I have no doubt that he really does want you back, but why?

Is it for the same reasons that YOU want to get back together ( ie skip off into the sunset, happily ever after)
Or is it because he wants both of you?

Your issues as a couple - ( sorry haven't read the whole thread) - are they to do with commitment and dishonesty?

There is nothing in your post that indicates that he wishes to resume a relationship. Men are simple creatures he would have said If made a mistake and not be in a relationship with someone else.

If the "there are better men out there" speeches don't work for you that's cool - you have him and it means there's one less arsehole for the rest of us to deal with! Look after yourself OP.

We were to have met this weekend. I had to postpone for family reasons (although it has given me more time to think/ consider) so it will be the end of the week now. I will update once we have spoken.

We never had any issues with commitment or honesty. He was always unequivocally committed to me from the start and I to him. I never had any concerns. There was one thing he lied by omission about at the start but it wasn't a big issue and no deal breaker. This wasn't the lie but it was along the lines of allowing me to think he didn't game on his PC when in fact he did albeit only a few times a week for a couple of hours...when I found out I wasn't bothered as what he was concealing was never a problem for me and I understood how it was easier not to raise it.

We never had any issues with commitment or honesty.

If he was in a full blown relationship days after you broke up, I highly doubt this. I think that's what you think and I think there's a high % likelihood that he was talking to the other woman and other women to try to find another to jump ship to all while he was "committed" to you.

I have actually just recently gone through something similar with my son's dad, really messed with my head everything hes said the last few months and the wanting us to have everything ( that I've always wanted, marriage, more children)

But guess what, I've realised it would just be the same and we split before my son was born and he got straight into a relationship with his girlfriend that hes still with 4 years later.

I listened, I said everything I've always wanted to say about his behaviour and how he treated me, and he is STILL with her despite telling me how unhappy he is, and tbf she looks just as miserable.

I've told him not to use me as an escape and thinking he can come running, he needs to focus on ending his relationship if hes unhappy as it's not fair on either of them, or our son.

We were together 7 years and have known eachother 10

They don't change so don't be hopeful for everything you want

"If he was in a full blown relationship days after you broke up, I highly doubt this. I think that's what you think and I think there's a high % likelihood that he was talking to the other woman and other women to try to find another to jump ship to all while he was "committed" to you"

Yep! My ex did this too, he got with her a couple of months ( had my suspicions) before our child was born and only until last week when he admitted how much sooner it was, played it that it was weeks after I had our child.

Funny what they "admit" to when trying to work their way back

I'd put money on they were together way longer before you think

Op, the balance in your relationship must have been off for you to offer him a break instead of splitting up. You gave him your blessing to shag around while working out his emotions. He has done a real number on you.

As for meeting up because he wants you back, he hasn't even bothered to finish it off with his girlfriend.

What cogent reason could he possibly give to being 100% willing to bin your relationship then fall into bed with someone else within days?

We split up in June. His decision. He is now seeing someone else. He hasn't told me this.

But also

We never had any issues with commitment or honesty. He was always unequivocally committed to me from the start and I to him.

But then he didn't want to be committed to you anymore OP. And was immediately with someone else. And has kept them hidden from you. And presumably kept his contact with you hidden from her.

I know what you mean - couldn't be with someone who couldn't give as good as they got and enjoy teasing, taking the piss, heated and passionate debates etc. I genuinely get that and it's a type of chemistry that's important to me too.

But he really, really just sounds like underneath all that he's a selfish dickhead. Having his cake and eating it too, massively. Which is a different thing to that kind of chemistry. It's just gross.

There were no issues over commitment while we were together.

I never felt he wasn't committed to me or our relationship until the day he ended it. We were together for a long time before then.

I don't know that he met this woman or was lining her up before that point. He might have been but equally he might not. I know they are together now. It may well have started after. She has no children and from what I can see on SM seems the type to dive in quickly.

The break I suggested was to work on ourselves, to use the time constructively. It was not carte blanche to fuck other people indeed I said I wouldn't do so and I expected him not to either. However he chose to end things at that point.

"from what I can see on SM seems the type to dive in quickly."

Oh now you are just trying to find anything aren't you. How the hell do you know what shes like from stalking her social media?

Shes one to apparently dive in quickly, and for all you know, he was even more quickly to jump to somebody else wasn't he

Theres bigger issues here and I think you're going to be thoroughly disappointed at not getting what you want from this

There were no issues over commitment while we were together.

I never felt he wasn't committed to me or our relationship until the day he ended it.

I think it must be me not understanding your thought process when you say the above.

It's like me saying my ex isn't a cheat because he never cheated until the day he cheated. And I never felt he would cheat until the day I found out he cheated...

I don't get it but maybe it's just me - I hope you find what you're looking for and there's minimal fallout for everyone involved.

Please keep in mind that there is still a small chance that he has something else to say. What if you turn up and he says his new girlfriend is pregnant and he wanted to let you know in person so it wasn't a shock when you find out. You need your armour and your responses at the ready for all eventualities.

Being dumped by someone you really love is awful, it's incredibly painful and shocking. You aren't the only one who's ever been this hurt and you can make it out the other side. You need to take him down off this pedestal to be able to do that though, acknowledge his faults and you can start to heal.

People do break up and get back together. DH and I had breaks very early on and due to an issue unrelated to our relationship (allergies). Because we couldn't actually stay apart, we resolved the issue even though it was very difficult. That's quite different than one of us wandering off solely to shag someone else.

I've looked at her SM to protect myself. If I hadn't I would have taken his overtures at face value.

She definitely won't be pregnant.

He is going to try and win me back. That part I'm sure of. Even if he can give a good account of himself and has changed/ is willing to work on himself, it still isn't a done deal. I do still love him, maybe part of me always will. But I don't know if we can recover from this.

And we certainly can't recover while he is lying to me while trying to win me back and pretending to this new woman they have a future when they clearly don't.

I've realised today I'm quite angry with him. Our relationship had ups and downs but I thought we had agreed to deal with the bad and the good together, that we were a team, supporting each other. That together we could overcome anything.

And he let me down when at a point where although we had some issues they were no worse than anything we'd dealt with in the past, he said he didn't want to be with me any more. That he would only take a break if he could fuck other people. Which I couldn't agree (to me a break was to work on ourselves not shag around). So that was that.

And then to contact me, having not just fucked someone else but started a relationship with her, to repeatedly compliment me, soft soap me as to how unhappy he is, and make me think he wants a reconciliation...that's not the action of a team member, a friend. Much less a life partner. It's mean, sneaky, manipulative. In all our years together I have never seen any traits like that from him. It's almost like he's had a personality transplant.

Honestly what does he think will happen? If I did take him back...what then he ends his new relationship and we go back to how we were? He can't have given our relationship and our problems any thought or have come up with solutions (as I have) because he's embroiled himself with someone new rather than spending any time on himself.

Op to me it sounds like he was already seeing this woman and cheating... and wanted an excuse to make it sound right so he doesn’t come out as the bad guy.

To me it sounded like he wanted to legitimise an affair and then come back to your all clean.

Hmmm

You only split in June, that's really recent. It's good you're finding your anger and starting to process it.

Hope you have a good support network

ReinetteP

You've got to move forward. I guarantee you the misery he has caused you, he will do to whoever he is with. The one consolidation I can give you is people like that always get what's coming to them, but you will never be allowed to see it.

To put in allegorical terms, I'm sure you have heard of the woman who looked back and became a pillar of salt? Don't be Lot's wife. Look forward towards your happiness and your future. You will only poison yourself by looking at what he's up to or talking to him.

He was my best friend; luckily I do have lots of other friends who are being very kind to me and supportive. I'm lucky I'm not alone. He meanwhile has no friends, just this new woman and his parents (god knows what they think about all this, as they know when we split up because I contacted them, basically to say goodbye.)

I am angry. But it's a cold anger...at first I was furious. Then have been upset for weeks. But now...I am so cross with and disappointed in him.

I'm not ready to look forward yet. I need to have it out with him. To get past this (probably final) discussion that he has sought out and engineered for his own selfish reasons. And then take it from there.

@ReinetteP I've always been faintly suspicious with exes when they say they don't have friends. It's not normal, is it?!

Can understand why you want to talk to him face to face just take any sweet talk with a pinch of salt

ReinetteP

The only closure you will ever get is from yourself, it will never be from him.

He has had friends for brief periods, but he ends up falling out with threm all, which is always their fault. I did point out to him once that it probably wasn't all them. That didn't go down well.

When I was younger one of my criteria for any potential partner was rhat they must have a decent circle of friends (and friends for a number of years not just ones from the last 6 months). Maybe I should never have relaxed that.