To be considering getting back together with an Ex?

[ReinetteP]

We split up in June. His decision. He is now seeing someone else. He hasn't told me this, and every interaction I have with him involves him volunteering unprompted how much he misses me, how pretty I look in recent SM photos, etc. How much he can't bear not having me in his life, etc.

We have arranged to meet up at the weekend ostensibly for an air clear. I do still love him however I have been massively hurt by being dumped out of the blue, and by him still soft soaping me while I know he is in a relationship with someone else (she is referring to him as her bf on SM so even if he isn't that interested, she clearly is and he has encouraged/ allowed that).

I do still love him (we were together for a long time, had planned out the rest of our lives) and I am not normally someone who says never, but I do feel maybe this is broken beyond repair and I refuse to be made a mug of or engage in a pick me dance. I know we are incredibly compatible, we have a massive physical attraction to each other and we were each other's best friends. Which is a lot to give up on. But then he chose to do that (I suggested some time apart, but he said that wasnt enough).

I have no idea what he's going to say when I see him...but are there any circumstances in which you would consider getting back together with him if my friends are right and that is his agenda? Or is there any way you would be friends?

Currently I don't feel I can agree either especially as he's still pursuing things with this woman and letting her think they have a future but I don't want to look back on this with regret...

I've been wondering how you are as well? Please don't let an occasional fiercer poster put you off, you have people here to support you.

Briefly, he wanted me back and was still in love with me. He admitted he'd been seeing this other person straight away, unprompted.

However that wasnt the full story and he'd met her 4 months before we split. She has contacted me with a load of info after he told her they were finished.

However I'm mindful the pair of them have agendas and I can't rely on either of them to be honest with me! She admits she knew all about me from the off and encouraged him to leave me as she thought he would start a relationship with her (they are still not official despite her SM indicating otherwise).

I've written it all off for now.

4 months is a long time, I'm so sorry, that must have been an extra blow. What are your plans for being kind to yourself, any trips or something else nice?

For now

So, are you considering that you might get back with him at some point in the future?

Op you can do so much better than him..

I think you are struggling with your self esteem to feel the need to be with someone who has done so much terrible things.

Most of the relationship has been one sided.. you have been going above and beyond for him and it seems he has taken that for granted. This shows you that this is not how a relationship works

You really need to look for a relationship where it’s a lot more give and take.. and where you don’t have to lose your sense of security and self to be able to make it last..

Hencan have friends in his life if he wishes to support him.. but from your other thread he really isn’t capable of having a healthy relationship...

Advise him to get himself some friends and then back off.. you are right this was a warning sign that you dismissed.,,

Go find a guy that won’t need you as a therapist.

Your standards are quite low on a relationship. You don’t just need someone on the same wavelength.. you do also need someone who respects your needs and the needs of the marriage and cares about how to build that up.

He doesn’t. Saying he loves you is cheap words. It’s in other words saying “I need you”. Of course, who doesn’t need a free counsellor who gives them therapy 24/7 and gives them access to whatever they want. You sound very supportive..

But you need someone who cares about you. Knows how to look after you and be there for you. You are giving him too much credit in the relationship as he sounds none of these.

With half the amount of effort you put in that relationship you can build something stronger with a more decent man.. it’s hard to start from scratch really.. but you need to realise you have a lot to gain by doing so.

The only think you’ve lost in this relationship is reaping the benefit of your own hard work.. endless compromise hoping you are building something better.

But compromise wasn’t mutual and your efforts came from your heart and now that’s the same heart that will help you build a relationship with someone more deserving.. you didn’t lose... he really really did. And I don’t say that lightly

Can I ask OP, mainly to get the picture abit better. You mentioned the girlfriend knowing all about you and then contacting you. Has he actually finished it with her? Just wondering why she'd now choose to contact you.
I may have missed it, just trying to sort DS out.

Sorry just skim read and noticed he had apparently finished things with her. Did he say when he did this?not that it matters but to me sounds like he had pinned his Hope's on you and dumped her and shes spat her dummy out and is getting revenge by only now contacting you

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him

How are you feeling? ( stupid question I know,but you might feel a tad better writing that out )

The best thing you could do though,is you've heard it all now, and by the looks of things, from both sides.

Please take the "for now" off the end of that sentence

Did it help clear things up for you?do you feel you got what you needed and what you needed to say out?

Go easy on yourself, its fucking hard, and hurtful and I know that repeated feeling of like you've been hit all over again

You deserve better

Even if you do want to get back with him, don’t make a decision any time soon. A few months apart may do you both well.