To be considering getting back together with an Ex?

[ReinetteP]

We split up in June. His decision. He is now seeing someone else. He hasn't told me this, and every interaction I have with him involves him volunteering unprompted how much he misses me, how pretty I look in recent SM photos, etc. How much he can't bear not having me in his life, etc.

We have arranged to meet up at the weekend ostensibly for an air clear. I do still love him however I have been massively hurt by being dumped out of the blue, and by him still soft soaping me while I know he is in a relationship with someone else (she is referring to him as her bf on SM so even if he isn't that interested, she clearly is and he has encouraged/ allowed that).

I do still love him (we were together for a long time, had planned out the rest of our lives) and I am not normally someone who says never, but I do feel maybe this is broken beyond repair and I refuse to be made a mug of or engage in a pick me dance. I know we are incredibly compatible, we have a massive physical attraction to each other and we were each other's best friends. Which is a lot to give up on. But then he chose to do that (I suggested some time apart, but he said that wasnt enough).

I have no idea what he's going to say when I see him...but are there any circumstances in which you would consider getting back together with him if my friends are right and that is his agenda? Or is there any way you would be friends?

Currently I don't feel I can agree either especially as he's still pursuing things with this woman and letting her think they have a future but I don't want to look back on this with regret...

My anger just keeps building. By the time I see him on Friday I will be about ready to explode. The more I think about what he's doing the more annoyed I am. The fucking duplicity and arrogance of it all.

Big difference between anger and indifference.

Anger means you are still invested ( unsurprisingly, it’s not been long). Indifference means you have moved on.

Protect yourself. You don’t need closure, you need a way to move forward. He may well want to try again but I’d give it 6 months. No contact, nothing. See what happens then. If he wants to make a go of it you’ll know and if he’s happy with his new partner you’ve lost nothing.

Anger means you are moving forward from being in denial.

It’s good. The next stage will be grief and then acceptance.

Because you know it deep down. All the facts point to something which you don’t want to believe.

Sorry but you sound too naive for a 40-something year old, I’m under half your age and wouldn’t be interested in meeting up with him at all.

He broke up with you, wasn’t even interested in a break, and in the meantime is dating/sleeping with other people. On the surface he just doesn’t sound that interested in you. He might like some aspects about you eg your appearance, your social status etc but it wasn’t enough for him. He still strongly wanted to date other people, and if the timeline between their relationship starting and yours ending is that short, they were probably ‘talking’ whilst you were together.

You need to cancel the meeting, cut contact, block him on socials and try to move on. Closure is overrated.

I feel very strongly that I will not be made a fool of. I wouldn't take it from anyone else and I certainly won't take it from him. I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he has fucked it up. And although I know he wants me back, that isn't enough. Their relationship clearly is flawed because he wouldn't be chasing me (and I shall make sure she knows about all that) which begs the question why even bother? There is something sociopathic about his current behaviour. Especially given the new woman is absolutely none of the things he considers desirable or important in a partner. He's being pathetic.

Oh OP please cancel! A counsellor once said to me that the best "revenge" is indifference and until I felt that it never seemed true to me.

Seeing an ex and thinking meh is better than playing games with them or trying to "win" somehow. Not saying you're doing that but he is!

It sounds like he's going to talk to you about getting back together, while he's still in his current relationship, but isn't telling her because then if you say no he still has her to go back to... ew!

It's good you're feeling angry - you should do because his behaviour is selfish and horrible. You'll feel so much better if you say to him (and yourself) that it's no appropriate to meet up in secret because he's in a relationship.

Come on OP, I feel like the fog is lifting for you and this dickhead won't be able to play you and his current girlfriend off against each other!

He is absolutely pathetic.

In fact, his ego is being fuelled by thinking you’re still interested or that he can have you back whenever he wants. Honestly it just sounds like he’s trying to date (or sleep with) the both of you at the same time, because he clearly isn’t being exclusive or honest with either of you

I'm going to see him. The prospect of telling him I know ALL of it and watching him squirm is all that is getting me through the days.

I can't take the higher road. I am not that person. I am the best friend to have, as he well knows. What he doesn't know is how fucking nasty I can be if I am hurt. And I am hurt. I have actually never been hurt this badly. Because I thought we were it, we were forever. And its not that he's changed his mind on that...more that he's dived into a relationship basically minutes after ours ended AND is also testing the waters with me while allowing her to believe they are serious.

None of my friends could even believe he was with someone else, even seeing the evidence.

I am usually quite conflict avoidant. Except when treated poorly. Even if he thinks I know, he won't expect me to say anything. He will be in for a surprise.

Glad you are now finding your anger, because you sounded deeply in denial earlier. Very arrogant too - don’t forget the saying “arrogance belies confidence”. To protest how amazing & awe inspiring your love was after everything he has done shows a massive cognitive dissonance.

Also book smart doesn’t equal street smart. You sound book smart but incredibly naive in regards to love & relationships.

Deep down you know you can’t be confident this love was the be all end all, or he wouldn’t have refused to work through relationship downs, dumped you so abruptly, cheated on you, now trying to two time both you and his new girlfriend....

The facts speak for themselves

Facts are open to interpretation.

I probably am arrogant in some peoples eyes because I know how attractive I am. We also did have a very good relationship if knowing that makes me arrogant to, so be it.

His current behaviour is totally unlike anything I have seen in the years we were together, and doesn't follow previous patterns prior to me either. I do get that people present their best side at first but we are a long way past that first stage. It is quite bizarre. But clearly this is who he is now and the person I knew and loved has gone. Nothing hes done in the last 2 months is the actions of the person I'd spent 6 yeard with.

I don't think it's necessarily arrogance regarding your attractiveness OP, more naivety.

Gwen Stafani, Sienna Miller, Cheryl Cole and many more were cheated on by partners and all said they were floored at the time. I don't think they're all stuck up because they're arrogant at all, they just trusted people who let them down.

Bastards are bastards and some people will take the opportunity to have their cake and eat it too.

He won't squirm, he'll talk his way into the outcome that makes him look least like a cunt (I thought I wanted out but now I realise I was scared of how much I loved you / she's nothing compared to you / when I'm with her I wish it was you etc) and it will emotionally manipulate you enough that you won't be able to be as nasty as you think you will right now.

The more you've posted the more I think you sound like a nice girl who he's done a number on, not someone mean at all. Please don't let yourself down by letting this wanker have the time of day!

Hope you're ok

Dont worry, I'm not that nice a person.

I also know that when he's been caught out he's more likely to go on the defensive. He likes to think he's clever. I am prepared for either charm or attack.

I'll be better once its done, I can have a(nother) massive cry and try to find a way to rebuild my life. I had the next 30 years planned...where we'd live. When we'd leave jobs, start our own business...retire. The pets we'd have and their names. We spent years planning it all. And he's thrown all that away.

Oh although I understand because I have been there, i really don't think this will do you any good

I wouldn't focus on anything girlfriend wise either.

You've realised all this now, and despite him going against everything you've known him to be, it is how it is. I said previously, but i have just been through this very recently with my ex 4 YEARS LATER after him getting with his (still) girlfriend whilst i was pregnant.

I have listened and I said everything I needed to, and do I think it sunk in for him, any of how he made me feel, how hurt I was and someone who we had planned the rest of our lives with after 7 years and ditching me weeks before our child was born?

No, no it didn't, he was supposed to be ending his relationship last week and they were both there at my child's birthday party.

Unless he's getting his own way it doesn't matter about anything else.

Luckily my love for him left a very long time ago now. But what I am saying is that even though you might feel better for getting your feelings and thoughts off your chest to him, it isn't going to make a blind bit of difference and he'll more than likely end up acting even more of a prick

Take these next few days and REALLY think about this, if you don't get the reaction you hope, how you'll feel all of this opening up and it not changing a thing

I'll admit I have been abit frustrated with some of your replies, but that's purely because I've just had the last 4 years I've been a single parent thanks to that knob head, be brought up so out of the blue the last few months. If he wants you back, my advice still stands that I'd just completely go no contact and that would bother him more than anything else, and focus on keeping strong and building yourself up to have a happier life for yourself

Once we've spoken on Friday that will be it. Short of him turning up with a drs note or a time machine, the end of the conversation will be the last time we speak. I dont need to have any contact with him beyond that. We don't have kids together. I wont need to still be having this conversation in 4 years. And frankly he won't want to discuss it more than once.

He can't act much worse than he already has. He has no hold over me. There's nothing he can do to make my life worse than its been the last 2 months.

So I'll have my say, he'll react however he does (and frankly him producing a unicorn from his pocket and riding off on it is no more unlikely than everything thats happened in recent weeks) and that will be that.

He has no hold over me.

Please keep saying this to yourself OP and believe it because it sounds like he is able to manipulate you into romanticising your past with him.

If he has no hold over you then maybe consider not meeting up so you can close the chapter yourself - you'll either be disappointed, confused and torn or angered after meeting. There's no positive outcome.

Hope it goes ok if you do go but try to consider what is best for you beforehand as it really sounds like he has a HUGE hold over you and that's no criticism of you, just what comes across here

Ok then OP, well good luck

Had a very good chat with one of my closest friends today. She has given me a new perspective on it all, that the reasons we have ended is likely to be insecurity on his part ( personally and professionally I am in an amazing place in my life right now, at least in part thanks to his encouragement, he isn't) and that I was outgrowing him. It's made me see things in an alternative light, and maybe this was inevitable. I always thought he was enough for me. But I know he didn't always see it like that.

It's the first time since we split that I don't want to cry over him.

I think YANBU to meet him if you are interested in what he has to say. And why shouldn’t you be interested? As long as you are strong enough to move on when he (almost certainly) disappoints. I would do the same in your position. I would not be that bothered by the fling, if that is what it is, but I must say that holidaying with this woman just after he left you is a major red flag.

I dont really have any expectations now. I know he as a minimum wants us to stay friends but I dont see that as a possibillty, and I don't think us getting back together would be in my best interests in the long term. I do still love him, I cant switch that off. And I think he does love me. Maybe in 6 months or a year the time would be right to try again; maybe it never will be.

Raniette

I’m genuinely worried about your meeting on Friday. I think he doesn’t deserve the genuine love you have for him. I hope he proves us wrong.

There was a thread on netmums, called “my husband wants divorce”. The woman on there had so much faith in her soon to be ex husband. The thread lasted for 2 years and things unraveled slowly to show how he was selfish all along despite all the posters initially having their hearts melted over his “confusion” but wanting her in his life.

She had a very romanticised idea about “them”. Not saying you are the same. You are being genuine and faithful to your vows. I hope he deserves the amount of faithfulness you are displaying here.

I hope you can read that thread so you at least mentally prepare for what the alternative scenario could be.

You do sound rather arrogant and egotistical. Even the most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on (think Beyoncé and Cheryl Cole level of beauty...) and I reckon he probably did cheat on you with her. It doesn’t really matter anyway, he ended the relationship with you and is fucking someone else. You’re crazy to even contemplate taking him back and I don’t think it particularly screams high self esteem.

@ReinetteP I don't have any advice for you unfortunately but I felt I needed to post because your hurt just jumps out of the page and I can relate to it. Please be careful to not get even more hurt - will be thinking of you xx

Pinkout obviously the OP is going through a hard time. People deal with things differently. just because she is saying things to reassure herself and protect her feelings from the hurt she is experiencing doesn’t make her arrogant, you might have a critical inner voice but not everyone does. There is no need for you to take this as an opportunity to put her down. Not sure your comment was meant to lift her self esteem?!.

Be nice.

Did you meet your ex OP??

Was that you on the other thread?? (I promise I won’t say the content of it)...

In which case things went bad didnt it..

If so allow yourself to ride on the wave of anger then grief and then acceptance. You will feel better believe me just don’t suppress your feelings let them come out.

Hey OP, I was also just checking in to see how the meeting went?