To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

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DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

He wants a rest. Perhaps you should ask him to look after the children whilst you have a night away to make it more even (if it isn't even).

Definitely going to watch the Ashes I reckon.

Feet up on the bed, cold beer and afternoon of the thud of leather on willow.

You sound VERY resentful of him.

Maybe don’t have anymore children. It doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying motherhood all that much.

he just doesn't need to go so early and chill out because he's had ample chance to do so lately.

This shows though that he's come to see it as his entitlement to do so. Now that is him being a dick, don't get me wrong, but you've become complicit in it for not taking time for yourself. Sorry but constantly giving up buying things for yourself, or having nights out, just reinforces the idea in his head that he gets to do that stuff and you don't need to. Change that now. Go for some chill out time yourself when he gets back on Sunday. Plan this in regularly from now on. Sure it's not as simple as just going out of the door but that doesn't make it impossible.

Did he want 3 under 3s, which is what you'll have very soon?

Is it that he's wanting to spend time away from what his life now is?

Other than that, I can imagine he just wants to get a few hours to himself before the wedding.

Say that is fine but when he gets back tomorrow he is taking the kids for 5 hours while you do whatever you want. If he says no he is a twat.

Why is he busting to go to a wedding reception where he knows no one except groomsmen?? 1 or 2??? Strange

I’d give up on this thread OP, maybe it’s the heat making people be so bitchy.
I’d also be telling your husband he ISN’T leaving stupidly early, because you’re going for a nap, so he’ll need to parent his children.

I can’t get over people saying that five nights away in 8 months isn’t much - it is when you’ve got two toddlers. Neither DH nor I have had a night away since our twins were born and they’re almost 3. It’s too hard on your own and neither of us want the other to struggle.

Tell him you need to chill out that afternoon due to being 35 weeks pregnant and spending the rest of the week looking after two small children, so he'll be in charge of the kids.

Presumably you made the choice to have three children so close together, you sound a bit of a martyr. If you want a hotel break/spa day/whatever on your own arrange it, if your DH can’t/won’t cope with the children then you have a reason to complain.

Other than that, I can imagine he just wants to get a few hours to himself before the wedding.

He has the whole week to get away for time to himself. He's also had rather a lot of extended time to himself this year. When does OP get that chance?

Where is he now OP? In the house helping out?

Go and have a word with him and calmly explain all the things you've said here. That you haven't had any where near as much time away as he has already this year and you feel a bit pit upon to be left for an unnecessary amount of time doing all the hard graft while he does nothing in a hotel room. It's the principal of it.

I wouldn't dream of leaving a heavily pregnant partner with our 2 young kids while i did fuck all in a hotel before a whole night out. I'd feel awful! Why does he need it spelled out?

I think the issue here is that ops DH is being self centred and not taking into account their family situation. I think DH doesn’t think about the impact of his jollies on op. I think if he showed some acknowledgment that he’s been lucky to have “time off” and even said for op to take herself off to costa for a cup of tea and cake, it would make a difference to OP.

He sounds like my dp - I completely understand jumping at the opportunity for a break but like your situation it is not equal at all. My dp would tell you I can do what I like but In truth/practice it just isn’t possible at the moment, mostly because he blatantly avoids the issues that need addressing for me to be able to do that.

Anyway it is so important for you to start getting selfish, you’re getting frustrated because he’s not making the choices that someone who cared about your downtime would make and he’s relying on you not calling him out.

For me, though a coffee out or something would’ve been nice, what I actually wanted was to sit on my arse and just ‘be’. I reckon a cheap local hotel room for the afternoon/early evening would be money well spent for you. You don’t have to spend the night away, but a decent block of hours with no small people hanging off you or chores needing to be done staring you in the face could be just what you need.

The problem is that you have not/are not having the same free time as he is to do things for yourself. You are making lots of excuses about why you can't. I understand overnights are difficult with newborns but surely you could have 2 or 3 hours every second Saturday to meet a friend for lunch/ go to cinema etc. I think you need to stop being a martyr and get planning. I take it you both planned to have 3 babies in quick succession.

If I had booked and paid for a hotel I would want to use it for the maximum possible time so I see his point and would do the same in this instance- but I would also support/ make sure my partner had the same opportunities as I did.

I've been pregnant for the best part of three years then dealing with newborns and routines - it's not as simple as just pissing off for a weekend whenever I feel like it

This was all optional! You’ve made a rod for your own back so to speak. It’s well known men’s lives change far less than women’s do and that women still take the brunt of the responsibilities post-children.

You sound very resentful that you’re having 3 children so close together. And why have you been stuck in doing nothing for months on end?

What is it with people thinking that dissecting the past is going to help anyone? What a waste of time berating someone for things that cannot be undone now. Complete bullshit

The thing is, a partnership, especially once you've got kids, is not all about both adults having exactly equal amounts of everything. It's about both considering the others needs and feelings and what they're going through and acting accordingly.

They're NOT having the same experience of life at this point - she's going through pregnancy and birth and the weeks/months/years of aftermath physically (then BFing perhaps) - he isn't. Their needs are different right now.

One member buggering off all the time isn't going to be put right by the other one doggedly trying to do the same. What does that solve?

Oh I'm jealous of him, I wouldn't begrudge my DH a nice break like that however you need to take time for yourself too. Everyone needs a recharge like that every now and again

I think having 3 dcs under 3 is hard work, and it's understandable you are feeling tired and cheesed off that your dh has the freedom to go off and watch the cricket, chill out in the spa or have a round of golf.

I don't know what hours your dh works or how much stress his job creates. How much childcare or help with the household chores does he provide? The fact is that as you have to carry and breastfeed the dcs the burden falls on you. It's a huge physical toll for many women being pregnant for 27 months in just over 3 years.

While I can understand your dh having time for himself you both need to prioritise some childcare, babysitting or time off for you. It's essential for your mental health that you have some fun and relaxation together away from the dcs.

With regards to me not constantly booking hotels or spa days, I've been pregnant for the best part of three years then dealing with newborns and routines - it's not as simple as just pissing off for a weekend whenever I feel like it.
But you are more than capable of getting some time to yourself. As other posters have suggested, a spa day is possible. A morning to yourself. Take up a hobby.

There comes a point where as women we have to take responsibility for our own happiness. Every new mum I know still goes for lunch with friends, or gets their nails done, goes to their choir, or sports club or chills with their friends, goes out for dinner because it's their right to have time to themselves.

If you and your DH chose to have 3 close in age then that's your choice.

If you choose not to make time for yourself, make excuses about why you can't have even a couple of hours to yourself and and can't leave DH with kids, choose to spend your money on takeaways and home things over yourself then you can't reasonably get resentful as they're your choices.

'My' money, I tend to spend on making our home look nice, 'treat' takeaways etc. DH will simply save his up and do things which is perfectly acceptable.

This is a problem. House stuff and takeaways are joint expenses.

Right when did he tell you he was leaving earlier than planned.Was it while you agreed for him to go or was it just dropped on you.