To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

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DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

No one does drugs alone in a hotel. Not unless they do drugs daily, which you say he absolutely is not.
I have never done drugs but I mixed with a lot of people who did . I think you need to go through everything, he might have a throwaway phone etc.
I would really wonder about sex, either a casual hook up, or a prostitute, or webcams etc. A man who can lie convincingly is a man for whom lying is a way of life. I would be wondering what happened on that stag do, and I would be doing everything possible to find out the whole truth of the night. I am sorry op but I think there is more that you haven’t been told.

YANBU. If anything he should be looking after the kids in the afternoon until he leaves. His getting a whole child free evening/night & morning/afternoon the next day. You’re 35 weeks pregnant & your children are really small! I’d 1000% tell him his having the kids one day next weekend & take a whole day for yourself. Even if you wanna just sleep all day make him take them out! You need a break.

You seem adamant that you know him OP, when in fact, you don't really know him at all, only what he’s chosen to tell you or, what you’ve discovered, mainly by chance. I really do think you should dig a little and really open your mind to the possibility that he’s still living very much as a single man. The fact that you didn't know that hard drugs can be ordered online speaks volumes about your naivety and your willingness to blindly accept that he’s a good father, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Given that he was planning to take coke to the stag (and almost certainly did) and then this, I think the friends of the groom are not as squeaky clean as you think. A group of them taking coke at the stag, a group of them in a bar all afternoon before the Reception.

I bet he didn’t go to the hotel early, he probably met the stag group for drinks all afternoon.

Or is he still maintaining the ‘chilling in hotel’ line?

Why is he staying in a hotel when the wedding is only 30 mins from home? That’s weird, isn’t it?

@user1480880826 Maybe read the updates ?

Every one that was a part of the stag group were part of the grooms party (another reason I was pissed DH and I didn't get invited to the actual ceremony!!) so there's no way they would've left the wedding to travel to my DH's hotel and sit and do coke with him. What's more, I do know them and they could not be further from the type. I'm honestly not being naive about his mates, I can say with certainty that they wouldn't have been taking drugs, I'd be shocked if they even got properly drunk!

I really do think this is just a case of DH seeing an opportunity to act out his pre kid days and running with it. Does that make it okay? Absolutely fucking not. Am I still fuming 2 days later? 100%.

I still think you’re not seeing the full picture OP and in your shoes, I’d be looking for a secret phone, secret credit card(s), secret e-mail accounts, secret social apps, secret income and secret friends. As has already been said, nobody takes coke and sits in a hotel room alone. I bet he was somewhere else.

You're in denial OP. He didn't sit in a hotel room doing drugs alone. He is hiding a lot more from you.

Hhhhhmmmmm

An evening only invite can't really be a surprise with these friends being aware of your DH's drug taking (at least on the stag), particularly if it's as opposite to their own lifestyles as you say.

Doubt the lads were as impressed with his comments on family life as he thinks.

The couple invited you and your toddlers clearly hoping you'd attend their child friendly wedding reception together. Instead your DH arrived coked up around other kids, yes a number of people will have noticed.

You do need to stop minimising, get to the bottom of everything, ensure you and your children will be financially secure whether you both decide to stay together or not and that they will never be at risk of being exposed to drugs in your home or in the care of your DH when he's high.

Easy to say but you need to detach from your DH and his problems even if he does move back, let his sister and Mum support him. Focus on you, your baby and other children over the next few weeks. Enlist all the help and support you can. He isn't going to change overnight and will likely only find things harder once your new baby arrives.

I had to do the face that the only reason this well-practised deceiver and manipulator is not a regular coke user is because of fear of his mother !

Jesus, lady. Open your eyes.

Bloody hell, he really is an absolute shit isn’t he?

I think you did the right thing in telling his sister- I would tell his mother as well. He needs to start facing the consequences of the potential danger he’s put your children in by getting drugs delivered to the house.

My fear would be that this is the tip of the iceberg- he’s proved that he is an accomplished liar, and that he will use petulant tantrums to stop you asking awkward questions. I would wonder whether you’ve got the full picture financially, and I wouldn’t believe a word about this being the first time he’s used cocaine without your knowledge.

Do you have family members or friends who you would feel comfortable with as a birth partner? You know that you cannot rely on your husband to act in your best interests in labour- and I would question whether someone with such shockingly poor judgement would even be fit to look after your older children alone.

I really do think this is just a case of DH seeing an opportunity to act out his pre kid days and running with it.

Wow! He really has landed on his feet if you think this. Did his pre kid days involve snorting coke in a hotel room alone? He feels entitled to behave the way he did and lying to you and checking out of family life are, in his eyes, a justifiable means to his coke snorting end.

I really do understand your almost desperation to dismiss this an an opportunistic aberration but he has displayed a mindset that sadly won’t be restricted to this incident. I’m pretty sure there’s a pattern of ‘I’m alright jack’ behaviour, which you don’t want to acknowledge.

Good luck

People definitely do take coke in hotel rooms alone, and loads of 'family men' especially would jump at the chance. It's basically the late thirties male coke user equivalent of the ubiquitous mumsnet spa day.

I don’t think I’ve ever come across aN OP more sure of them self and they view of their husband despite having been proved quite spectacularly wrong

OP I agree that he has done more than enough to deserve getting kicked out. I also understand that it's difficult to face the idea of breaking up when you are pregnant and your other children are so young.

I'm not sure how many kids you were planning on having, but it's very convenient and helpful for him to keep you pregnant and looking after very young children. He can get away with a lot more shit because it's hard to contemplate doing it alone.

If you do take him back double down on contraception and get your finances in order so that you are in a better position should you need to ltb in future. The trust is gone now anyway.

I don’t think I’ve ever come across aN OP more sure of them self and they view of their husband despite having been proved quite spectacularly wrong

Honestly, what goes through someone's mind to speak like this to a heavily pregnant woman with two small children facing a marriage breakdown? Does it feel good or what?

In the circumstances of having such young children and being pregnant, I would probably stay and try to make my marriage work too. I completely understand the desire to not to think to deeply about his behaviour because if you did, how could you pretend that it was unlikely to happen again.

It will never be the same and in many ways that is a good thing because you got in a bad habit of letting him prioritising himself.

Ho OP, hope you are doing ok and finding time to rest and think. Have you decided what to do next?

In the circumstances of having such young children and being pregnant, I would probably stay and try to make my marriage work too. I completely understand the desire to not to think to deeply about his behaviour because if you did, how could you pretend that it was unlikely to happen again.

Having had 3 under 4 myself I'd agree with this if his was an issue of selfishness on it's own or even infidelity. It would then solely be Ops choice what to do and perhaps be best to delay decisions until after the birth.

There's a child protection issue here though with the online ordering of drugs to the family home. The question of whether the DH is taking drugs more often, whether he's always sober when caring for their young toddlers.OP has a responsibility to protect the children and there will be others aware of what's going on.

Being a SAHM OP needs to know whether there are hidden debts, ensure she's secure financially before the baby arrives. He's not reliable and could choose not to come back himself, he seems to want to check out of his responsibilities.

Friend of mine was a postman, ordering online is unwise. The police do follow and track packages when they are found by the post office they are looking for the sender, sometimes they nab the recipient when they have grabbed the senders. He said do not think your post is anonymous and free of interference if you are buying illegally.

So your asshole husband and his sister couldn't get your child to settle so sent your child back to you at 35 weeks pregnant and in severe pain to walk so you have to do the childcare now? He should be taking care of the children to give you a break! Do you not realize how fucked up that is?

I wasn’t going to put my opinion here for fear of upsetting anyone...however I was in the exact same position, even down to me writing out the card because my handwriting was neater!
He went to the wedding hours earlier than needed and it turned out he then hooked up with the bridesmaid..my loyal faithful husband who despised cheaters spent the night in her hotel room!
I was devastated and shocked as he was apparently so against cheating, the reason I couldn’t go was because our daughter was in a show that same day and I decided to stay and watch her as she had been rehearsing for months and we had booked tickets

Aren’t we get a bit carried away? There’s been no mention of severe pain.