To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

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DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

most hotel check in is 2-3pm that doesn't mean you HAVE to get there at that time! Especially when you've got tiny DC and a heavily pregnant wife.

He can check into the hotel room from 1/2pm so probably wants to make the most of it. Like go for a swim, chill out in the room etc. Let him have his time away. Just make sure you have time away one weekend too.

Have you ever planned a night away and he's been obstructive? Who's choice is it that 'your' money goes on house stuff and takeaways? Is it decorative stuff you are choosing or essentials?

He’s being pretty selfish. But taking advantage of a booked and paid for hotel room so I’m torn. My DH wouldn’t do that though (for the record we had babies at the same pace as you) because he’d know how exhausted I was at 35weeks pregnant and taking the 1.5 and 2.5 yr old single handedly overnight, let alone from 1pm right through to the next day when he’ll likely drag out his return too.

Sorry, I could cry for you a bit because I know how disappointing and exhausting him doing that to you would be.

Do yeah. I think he’s a jerk.

Well I don't know. Yes he is on a pisstake because he seems to live like a single man while you deal with everything. However, going to a hotel early doesn't mean he is cheating as some have suggested. I go away a few times a year and leave DH home with the DC (we have a balanced relationship though) and I take advantage of every minute! I love hotels. In fact I am meeting up with eldest DD next week in a city and I'm actually arriving the day before - it's not necessary, just nice.

Sorry OP but u sound sour grapes. For the sake of a few hours? What would u want him to do instead?

I think the problem is that you have not prioritised your time - so why dont you look to go away for a night here and there once in awhile too? It's not that hes going early, its that it isnt balanced between to 2 of you. But to begrudge your partner of 5hrs seems pretty.

Petty

Agree with past posters that check-in is probably at about 1, so he wants to arrive there and make the most of the overpriced hotel that you two are paying for. I would do the same. If I'm paying for from 1, I would wanna get there around 1 and use the pool, have a fancy shower, have a nap, rather than turn up at 4. I can understand that it's frustrating for you OP, but I don't think clawing back a few hours today will make you feel better, because it's the whole getting away for a night which is getting to you. Getting a few hours to yourself another time would be a better compromise.

If he was a responsibility free adult I would say that sounds great to chill in the hotel before the wedding! But that being at the expense of leaving you with all the hard work isn't ok. Tell him going in time to have one hour in the hotel is already generous and plenty.

If I was going to have a child free night away I would want to stretch it out as long as I could too. I think the problem here is that you aren’t getting your fair share of time off OP.

Stop spending ‘your’ money on things for the family and house, that’s martyrdom. Save ‘your’ money up for a break. It needn’t be an expensive spa weekend. Just a night in a Premier Inn or some such with a nice bottle of wine/G&T cans, a few picnic treats from M&S and a pile of magazines or Netflix or a good book will be a change of pace and routine and give you some ‘me’ time.

Leave early on Saturday, come back Sunday tea time refreshed and invigorated and enjoy the rapturous welcome back from your family.

I'd be pissed off at him investing so much time and money in a wedding that he's not even worthy of a whole day invitation to - the stag weekend, booking a hotel for an evening do 45 minutes from home.

Just remembered you are pregnant. Substitute nice cups of tea or coffee with biscuits for wine and G&T.

I feel like this is six of one, half a dozen of the other.

On one hand, I also have two under three whom I often feel run ragged by. If I'd got it into my head that I was just doing tea, bath and bed with them, and then the next morning, and then it turned out it was half a day even before the event, then I'd probably feel annoyed, even if practically it wasn't much more of a stretch.

On the other hand, I don't think five nights away over seven or eight months is that much. And your gripe seems to be that you haven't had the same time away, but when challenged about why not, you've explained that you've chosen to spend your money in other ways. So that's your choice, then, and therefore you can't reasonably resent the choices that he's made with his.

Me and DH can easily get locked into the "who's had more free time" conversation if we are not careful. In our case, he is just a much better planner - he plans fun stuff to do ages in advance and then just does it - whereas I tend to wait until I am at the end of my rope, mentally, and then I take a spontaneous day and end up feeling deflated about it because I haven't organised anything, and so my options of what do to are limited. It's something I'm working on!

If you are feeling resentful you really need to have a conversation before the third baby arrives!

For the sake of a few hours? What would u want him to do instead?

Look after his children 🤷‍♀️

Does the hotel have a spa? Golf course? State of the art gym? Is there a major sports event he can watch in peace on the hotel cable TV?

Floatyboat has it with this: Does he like cricket?

OP people who haven’t been in your situation will see it as ‘only a few hours’. They just won’t get it so no point trying to explain.

I would add it to the 'bank' of owed time for yourself and then when you are able to leave the children for a weekend, arrange something very fun for yourself and friends.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with some of the people on here today, there is some truly unnecessarily nasty replies of this thread. Just no need for it at all.

Everyone will have their own thoughts on this, myself included, but this sounds like something only you two can work out. We are not in your marriage, so where are both your boundaries? What’s ok and what isn’t and be explicit. Also, you say yourself you’re jealous of his time, so what could you do? What would you like?

Is it possible he has now been offered a “full” invite but hasn’t told you because you might decide you should attend he would rather have a full 24 hours fun rather than have his family there have have to do some parenting.

Six of one half a dozen of the other here to me.

5 nights away in 8 months is reasonable.
You should also be able to do that too and if you choose not to then you can't blame him for that.

Equally, you choose to spend your spending money on home things and take aways. He chooses to save it and spend his differently.

I understand why you might be feeling frustrated and he could leave an hour or So later, but equally you do sound like someone who "couldn't possibly" do anything nice for themselves but then resents anyone else who does.

I didn't want to go to the wedding whilst being only a few weeks away from giving birth, add that to the fact that if I'd gone, it'd be extra money on an outfit for myself, a potential child minder as who honestly enjoys taking two toddlers to an evening event knowing full well their DC's will get cranky and play up the whole time.

It's not about him going out this evening, it's about him having already had plenty of 'me' time already this year. He's not been stuck in doing absolutely nothing for months on end, so he doesn't need to make the most of leaving 6 hours before the event. By all means, go, have fun, I can cope with the DC's on my own, but he just doesn't need to go so early and chill out because he's had ample chance to do so lately.

With regards to me not constantly booking hotels or spa days, I've been pregnant for the best part of three years then dealing with newborns and routines - it's not as simple as just pissing off for a weekend whenever I feel like it.

You definitely need to book some time off for yourself. It needn't cost lots. If you can't manage a full spa weekend, how about a half day spa, or just a pop-in treatment? Or just a day out and about with a friend? You need time off too and frankly you bloody deserve it with two kids and pregnant. Do something now before #3 arrives, and then plan something really special for when #3 is no longer a newborn and you've got your brain back a bit to enjoy it. Don't let DH make you feel like a skivvy or less deserving of time off. Sounds like he's not going to be proactive about suggesting it or offering to have the kids for you, so just plan things and tell him!