To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

[usernamechangechange]

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

I'd be bloody furious!

He obviously wants to have a nice afternoon off in the hotel but considering you are 35 weeks pregnant and have younger DCs to look after he is being completely unreasonable.

This was all optional! You’ve made a rod for your own back so to speak. It’s well known men’s lives change far less than women’s do and that women still take the brunt of the responsibilities post-children

Fuck that. This is not okay and it’s perfectly okay for women to be pissed off about this disparity.

Op - I think he's being quite selfish. He doesn't need to go 5 hrs early, he wants to, making your afternoon harder than it needs to be. I would be saying he needs to compromise - leave at 3 maybe.

You certainly aren't being a martyr!

But me having a couple of hours to myself to 'get my nails done' isn't the same as DH who has had plenty of nights out/nights away recently, who's then deciding to piddle off over 6 hours earlier and leave everything at home up to me. I don't see how the two are mutually exclusive.

I can't stress enough that it isn't the fact he's going out this evening that's rattled me. It's him unnecessarily leaving so early to sit in a hotel room, by himself, and chill out, when he's had more than his fair share of that of late.

An afternoon's piece and quiet chilling in a hotel sounds lovely. I totally get why he is going.

And 5 nights away this year in total is nothing.

I think you need to chill.

Do you get any time to yourself?

Have you spoken to him about it? What has he said?
What's an acceptable time for him to leave? Why do you get to decide that?

OP, you say he's on holiday. Is he a teacher? Not excusing him going early, but my head needs time without anyone else there, particularly at the beginning of the holiday.

He's gonna get there, crack open a beer, have a bath, watch cricket, probably have 1 or 2 wanks, eat some food.

Men can be quite selfish but they also aren't mind readers. Explain how it makes you feel.

With regards to me not constantly booking hotels or spa days, I've been pregnant for the best part of three years then dealing with newborns and routines - it's not as simple as just pissing off for a weekend whenever I feel like it.

I was coming on to post something very similar and then realised you'd said it yourself.

If you don't want to deal with the limitations of pregnancy and small babies then stop getting pregnant!

When my husband and I were together, we rarely socialised together because we had no childcare but the understanding was that, if either of us had the opportunity to go out etc, we'd make the most of it!

I went away for the week when my second was 11 months old and left him with them both. If he went out with his friends, it often had an early start and a late/overnight finish because it's important to make the most of the 'free time' you have.

It's selfish of him

I completely get why he would want to go early, to have a rest from two young children, but you're heavily pregnant and I assume would also like a break?

I would say, fine, go at 1pm but have the kids first in the morning and take a lazy am myself

Does he understand that his chilling time is at your expense? It isn’t a case of him just taking the opportunity it’s only possible because you’re picking up the slack.

I have asked my dp, instead of asking me if it’s ok he goes out (which 99.9% of the time I don’t put up any obstacles) to ask me if I mind looking after dd so he can go out. It’s faintly ridiculous but I’m trying to reframe it in his head that it’s more than him just going out/away when he feels like it.

Fuck that. This is not okay and it’s perfectly okay for women to be pissed off about this disparity.

Agreed it’s not OK but it’s what seems to happen. Time and time and time again! There are numerous posts here about the same thing! Men’s lives change less after children. They tend maintain more freedom. Some men are very hands on fathers but the majority leave the bulk of the childcare to their partners! It’s unfair but it continues to happen and women continue to have babies and complain they are exhausted.

Him leaving earlier than planned was dropped on me recently. I was told months ago that the venue was quite a way away, hence him needing to book a hotel as in his own words, travel home afterwards would be a nightmare/almost impossible.

A few weeks ago, he said he'd be leaving early as it'll take him hours to get there. That's when I thought, okay, fair enough, still seems like he's leaving a bit too early but whatever - 2/3 hours travelling, a bit of dinner, getting ready time etc, ok whatever fine.

I woke up this morning and decided to look at the venue only to discover that it's actually WAY closer than I was made to believe. Via public transport alone, it'll only take an hour tops. A cab from ours to the venue would take 30 mins max.

Back when I thought this wedding reception was in the back end of nowhere and insanely difficult to get to, I could understand the hotel, and the leaving early to accommodate travelling times, but now I've seen that actually, the hotel probably wasn't even necessary and the 'allotted' travel time he's giving himself is nothing short of bullshit.

But me having a couple of hours to myself to 'get my nails done' isn't the same as DH who has had plenty of nights out/nights away recently, who's then deciding to piddle off over 6 hours earlier and leave everything at home up to me

I completely agree with this!!

So get yourself out with a few beers to a good pub with live music and dance! Or take yourself away for the weekend and do whatever it is that brings you joy (when the baby''s born, obviously).

But don't turn down opportunities and then moan that you're stuck at home.

OP you are certainly not being unreasonable and your DH is really awful. 5 nights away in a few months while you have 2 toddlers and another on the way?????

No he does not need time to chill or relax - he has 2 toddlers and one one the way (35 weeks, my God, I know how tired you must be). He cannot swan off - that is the price of parenthood and it does not last long, a few years and you can get your life back. But those few years make or break your relationship with your other half. And right now, he is going a long way to breaking it.

You need to sit down calmly and tell him he needs to stay this afternoon with you and the DC. If he refuses, chalk it up, and remember it later.

Also, what is it with people telling you to go and have a spa day??? OD people think an afternoon at a spa can take away the stress of being a full time mum who is 35 weeks pregnant and has 2 toddlers??????? And a DH who is swanning off to a hotel for the day alone????

You need to ask him how he thinks you feel about him having down time and not you. You also need to revisit your finances as it doesn’t sound like an equal marriage, I don’t genuinely understand people who need to have his and hers money, unless one of them will piss it all away. Surely takeaways and house decoration is joint?

Tbh, in your husband's shoes, I'd be doing exactly the same - early start, overnight - to make the most of it.

I wouldn't want to rock up just as it was starting and then leave as soon as it ended.

@usernamechangechange I totally feel for you. Mine are also 1.5 and 2.5, however I'm not pregnant.

I know exactly how you feel - I'd be pissed off too. I've started taking time for myself away from the boys. I'll go insane otherwise. When I say taking time, I mean I literally tell dh I'm going and then go. I'd also definitely relish six hours in a hotel doing nothing so I get where he's coming from.

You need meaningful space by the sounds of things

That's shit OP

He should be staying at home so you who are 35 weeks pregnant and having to do bedtime on your own for a 1.5 and 2.5 year old can 'chill' for a few hours

Hes already getting the night off and presumably wont be home early feeling bright in the morning so it's taking the piss to have an extra chill out time on top as well when you're going to be picking up the slack

Also, to those who say, go off and have a few days out, get drunk??? go our with friends - at 35 weeks pregnant who on earth wants to go clubbing with friends??????? Please stop telling the OP she is at fault here - her only problem is her DH is selfish.

OP have you spoken to him about it?

Tell him you'd love some 'chill out' time as well. When will that be occurring?

Also perplexed by the posters saying a 35 weeks pregnant woman with two toddlers should just book her own night away/spa day & go. What planet do you live on?

lf you don't want to deal with the limitations of pregnancy and small babies then stop getting pregnant!

This. You will soon have 3 children under the age of 3.

actually, the hotel probably wasn't even necessary and the 'allotted' travel time he's giving himself is nothing short of bullshit.

'Bullshit' is the word.

Ignore all the people telling you that this is your fault because you chose to have young children (he did too!). And forget 'spa days' if you don't like the idea, they sound bloody dire to me.

Sit down and calculate how much toddler-free 'chilling' time he's had in hours the best you can. Then present him with that and say you'll be having yours now, in whatever instalments you choose, including times when you're in the house and off duty and he is not to let the children come and find you when he gets tired of wrangling them.

OP - you said the issue earlier in your thread - hes getting more than his fair share.

On the face of it 5hrs, 8 visits isnt that much but theres obviously more to it than this.

I truth, I think you need to get to the bottom if it now before no 3 comes along because if hes not pulling his weight and you are feeling put upon it's not going to get any better.