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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

657 replies

usernamechangechange · 01/08/2019 09:37

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit Hmm at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 02/08/2019 20:27

Hi OP

Sorry this ha happened. Another poster has said this but who the fuck takes coke by themselves? When you used to, did either of you? I know lots of coke users, some of them would take it in their hotel room after a night out. Not one of them would take it for hours beforehand...? Not trying to imply anything just genuinely confused.

Tellmetruth4 · 02/08/2019 20:28

Get your half and secure your children’s futures before he puts it all up his nose.

Original poster
usernamechangechange · 02/08/2019 20:34

I mean, he falls asleep pretty shit quick at home all week long, so I don't think he's using it all the time. I don't know what's going on. I feel so naive, I genuinely didn't even know you could get that kind of stuff online!!

When I was younger, I never took it alone, no! Only at parties/nights out etc with a bunch of other people who were also doing it. I've no idea what was going through his head when he was planning all of this. Why the thought even occurred to him to take it on his own is beyond me.

OP posts:
ELM8 · 02/08/2019 20:39

No causal/occasional recreational drug user buys drugs off the dark web and sits in a hotel room by themselves doing drugs all afternoon.

This has been put much better than I tried to earlier. I've been naive to this before with an ex partner and I can't stress enough that this is not a one off.

AnyFucker · 02/08/2019 20:39

He wasn't on his own, love. Come on, face it.

You are either completely wrong about the rest of the wedding party or there is far more to this than you have managed to wheedle out of him so far.

And that aside...people who take coke at family occasions are complete wankers.

GabsAlot · 02/08/2019 20:48

Tell his sister befrore he feed her more lies

LannieDuck · 02/08/2019 20:59

If you can be calm about it, I would be inclined to call his sister and give her the facts so he can't try to spin what's happened against you.

matahairyy · 02/08/2019 21:00

I. So. Agree.

SaxxedtotheMax · 02/08/2019 21:01

Who was he online to until 03.00 a.m? Sad

Does he gamble as well?

bingandflop · 02/08/2019 21:04

Are you sure he was really at the wedding reception? Could he have been somewhere else altogether? - this would explain his vagueness about needing to go early, if he was in fact lying and going somewhere much further away to meet friends for a party

CorBlimeyGovenor · 02/08/2019 21:07

I think that, if he'd been planning this for a while, then he's either got a serious problem or had planned it with others. Maybe he had supplied it to a couple of friends/acquaintances too! Which, if so, was even more risky. Usually, when someone has something to hide, they become defensive and try to turn the tables when questioned. Which is exactly what he's done to you! He's tried to shut you down. He didn't want to have to admit that he was being selfish etc, because he didn't want anyone putting a stop to his cocaine use. I know that you are exhausted and emotional etc. If you can find the strength, it may be worth having a really good hunt around for any other evidence (check wardrobes/look at FB, see if you can find any unusual bank statements/cash withdrawals). Check to see if he's applied for credit cards. Just take this chance to get a handle on his finances, social contacts etc and see if you can dig out anything else. It may help you one way or the other to decide how to proceed. So sorry that you're going through this.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 02/08/2019 21:10

Btw,if you tell his family, be aware that he will almost certainly tell them that you used to do it too. He's going to go on the defensive her and deflect things.

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2019 21:27

Maybe he was online till the small hours using cam girls. Can you see his bank or c/c records?

Chillijamntuna · 02/08/2019 21:31

Read the whole thread and your DH is a bastard.
You are lovely.
He needs some serious ultimatums.

K1ssIt · 02/08/2019 21:45

I've just finished the thread and I'd be very surprised if he's gone to such lengths and been so deceitful to do some coke on his own.

I wouldn't rule it out. He's shown you he's totally comfortable bullshitting to your face, about the distance, about the cost, about what was in that envelope and he's shown he doesn't give a shit about how you feel or being a responsible dad to his children.

His selfishness was bad enough but he put his children at risk, he had class A drugs delivered to house where his children could have gotten their hands on them.

My dd would open those brown jiffy envelopes when she was a toddler as she thought they were presents which to be fair more often than not they did contain little bits for her, books, bibs etc etc

I know your adamant he can't be cheating but I wouldn't co fidently rule that out. Would you have confidently ruled out him putting having class drugs delivered to the house before he did it? He's given a criminal drug dealer his home address. Remember that when you think about letting him back.

Those saying they had no idea you could buy drugs online. You buy everything and anything online, you can buy illegal drugs and legal prescription drugs, there's facebooks groups where people bullshit to get controlled drugs like tramadol and morphing from their gp on prescription and then sell it online, you can buy counterfeit goods, stolen goods, you can pay for women who choose to seep their body and you can pay for women who are trafficked and don't have a choice. You can buy images and videos of children being abused and you can pay to watch them abused on webcam (Stacey Dooley did a informative documentary on this) You can pay to abuse children yourself.
Class A drugs are just one many many many shocking things people can buy online

CorBlimeyGovenor · 03/08/2019 08:09

You know, the more that I think about this, the more that I feel that he is still lying. Surely it would have been better to have told you that he was snorting coke with a few friends - that he wasn't the only one; that it was silly but the others talked him into it etc. If this was the case, then why would he still need to be there hours early. They would just take it during the wedding reception.

If he was on his own taking it, he was up to something. At best I feel like he was watching porn whilst enjoying his own company or gambling online. At worst he was doing webcams or worse. I know that you don't want to believe any of this, but how can you trust anything that he says now. He went to such lengths to plan his time away and was not going to change his plans for anything. My real gut instinct is that he's not telling you everything. I would say that he's certainly been using coke on the stag do and possibly other times he's been away. This won't be the only time. Do as much digging as you can.

Also, ask him why he would endanger his kids lives, give your address out to drug dealers, lie to you and treat you like dirt when you are at your most vulnerable, why he would put drugs above spending time and money on his own children. Deliver the kids to his sister's today and again tomorrow or get someone to drop them off. Make sure that you have friends and family to talk to, get some rest and look after yourself. Do not let him talk his way into coming back into the house until you are absolutely confident that you know everything. If you can't access his bank accounts etc, then insist that he shows you them and that you go through them together. Same with mobile phone bill (any strange numbers either call them or Google them). I would only let him back if he will do this. You need to get to the bottom of his drug use (see whether he has ordered online before, been gambling online, paid for webgirls, any large cash withdrawals etc). If he refuses then he is lying. Remember that you could report him to social services or the police, so you hold the power now.

Original poster
usernamechangechange · 03/08/2019 08:50

Hey everyone.

Thanks again for all your replies. I really do appreciate it. Will reply properly at some point today.

DH is at SIL's. She messaged me last night to see how I was getting on - but admitted that DH hadn't told her details just that he'd said he'd lied about something he shouldn't have and deserved to be kicked out. I asked her if she wanted to know what he'd actually done as I feel she ought to know why I was so upset and why my DH needed to be crashing at hers, she said yes, so I told her everything. She's at a complete loss regarding her brothers behaviour and can't believe he'd risk putting our DC's in danger.

She's coming to collect my DC's this morning so I can have a bit of a break. Baby has dropped so far in my pelvis now that my cervix hurts so much whenever I have to walk, so I really need a couple of hours to just chill out. Will give me some time to process all of this too.

OP posts:
WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 03/08/2019 09:24

I'm so sorry for you OP, what a horrible situation. You'll get through it because you're a mother and you'll find the strength.

I would see a GP or psychologist this week. Tell them what has happened so that there is a contemporaneous independent record of it. You might want it for a custody dispute and it's protected by confidentiality until you want it. If you have texts or anything from his sister confirming that she also believes he's taken cocaine etc then save them also.

I don't think social services are about to storm your home over what for all we know is one day of party drug usage. Some PPs have very little idea of just how much crappy behaviour it takes for social services to step in.

But it is relevant in a custody battle.

Alsohuman · 03/08/2019 09:30

Do catch yourself on @WishingILivedOnAnIsland, he can’t be arsed with his kids when he lives in the same house. Are you seriously suggesting he’d want to be the resident parent?

SignedUpJust4This · 03/08/2019 10:06

He my not but he may want to use the kids as a way of hurting OP in future.

Beautiful3 · 03/08/2019 10:12

Wow I take back what I posted before your revealing updates. Im so sorry he's done this to you. Can he get help for his drug habit?

Torvi · 03/08/2019 10:30

Fuck that. He should be looking after the kids this afternoon so that YOU can relax before he goes out until tomorrow afternoon.

Teaandcrisps · 03/08/2019 10:49

Wow OP - I'm so sorry your going thru this.

This thread is truly shocking going from my OH is spending 5hrs at a hotel, to my OH is getting drugs delivered to our family home so that he can take drugs all night in a hotel room.

I apologise OP as originally I thought that you were being sour grapes - but I take it back. You actually smelt that something wasnt right from the get go.

What an utter manchild - its shocking. I dont know where you go from here, but you need support - you're about to have a baby.

Torvi · 03/08/2019 11:02

Sorry I posted without seeing your update. What an absolute arse he is. Good on you for sending him on his way and telling SIL. I hope you manage to get a bit more comfortable today Thanks

GabsAlot · 03/08/2019 11:24

Hope you get some rest and good on you for telling her

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