To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

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DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

I can't believe he told you it was a present for you when you're 35 weeks pregnant. That's just stomach-churningly sad.

I know Chame, that broke my heart. Little old me was stood there thinking it was something lovely. The fucking cheek of it.

SIL has said DH has been quiet the whole time he's been at hers. She's told him that she knows the full story now, and apparently DH looked worried as hell and panicked that she'd tell their DM. MIL is very, very anti drugs and would apparently murder him if she knew what he'd done. Hopefully that fear he had instilled in him has maybe made him realise that not only has he let me and his children down, but he's let his own DM down too. This goes further than him just wronging me, so many people would be off the wall pissed with him.

I'm just thankful SIL has said there's no rush for me let him come back home. Really appreciating her letting me have some breathing space, god knows I need it - her and I haven't always completely seen eye to eye, so it's a real break through that I almost have her entirely on my side regarding this. Apparently she sat DH down this morning and basically reiterated everything I'd already said about how disgusting and dangerously he's acted. I'm glad he's got people other than me on his case.

Wow - you poor thing. There really is no coming back from this is there?

Right now you desperately need rest and support. Ring close friends and family, tell them what's going on, and ask for help. You don't need to cover for him, and you need everyone to rally around you and the DC immediately. Is there anyone who can come and stay with you?

OP

I would leave this thread. It’s simply going to fan the flames. Do you have a really close friend you can really confide in - face to face

If he did the coke alone - he has a drug problem.

If he didn’t do it alone - he’s having an affair

Lovemenorca has a good point. You're going to get a full chorus of LTB here, which might well be the right thing for you and the DC but it's a decision for you to make privately. Hope you get some real life support asap

I don't think he has a drug habit or an addiction - I know people will be like 'what!? You're stupid to believe that, stop being naive' - however, I know how much disposable income he has each month and I usually do see where and what it goes on. This week was obviously the exception as I didn't know the exact cost of the hotel, how much he'd planned on spending on food/drinks/travel etc so naturally he obviously had some money spare where I'd over calculated the cost of everything else. But on an average month, I know he wouldn't be able to afford a coke habit, what's more, I 100% would know if he was taking it in the house. Given I dabbled in the past, I know what to look out for and I'd clock it in an instant. He isn't out a lot, bar the wedding and stag do, the last time he had a night out was with his sister... he wouldn't have taken drugs around her. Again, that I know for a fact as she'd have picked up on it too.

I don't believe he used prostitutes, and those saying that coke and sex workers had to have been involved simultaneously because 'that's what happens' are insane. There is no link between the two, they aren't mutually exclusive.

I think he's just been a fucking idiot. I think the opportunity arose for him to get a buzz on before heading to a night out of drinking and dancing and he grabbed it with both hands without thinking of the risks or consequences. I know it's easy to fall down the rabbit hole of thinking something more sinister is going on, but I'm not sure that's the case. I think he's been a fucking twat. He's been a disrespectful, lying little shit, but he isn't an addict and he isn't paying for sex.

He may or may not be having an affair. I think that's besides the point now (personally I don't think people do drugs alone in hotel rooms). Either way he has proved himself to be selfish, lying, conniving, danger to his family. Let's not forget that he blew up at OP when she reminded him that she would be tired at home with 2 kids and v pregnant. He didn't even have the decency to be guilty/apologetic about leaving her alone. He just guilt tripped her into thinking she was unreasonable. And all the while putting a lot of effort into planning this little party of his (and its not the first). What an absolute piece of shit he is.

At 35 weeks pregnant my dh would have helped put the other two to bed and then driven so sober in case needed.

Op

You are very very sure of yourself, which is great in many respects. However if someone has said in first to your first post - oh I bet he’s going early because he will be doing coke - you would have poured scorn over the suggestion, wouldn’t you?

Okay, we'll good luck to you love.
Your going to need it.

Ps contraception is free.

Tbh Love, no, not really. Given what I found last month and the fact he used to do it and enjoyed it, I wouldn't have dismissed it entirely. I suspect granted the business of him trying to get some for the stag do was the reason why I felt the need to check his bags and suit when he got home. Obviously something felt off, I just didn't put two and two together until it was staring me in the face.

Not only is it worrying. It's more worrying to me that he would want to do this alone, as you say he would have been doing as no one else at the wedding would be doing it and you don't think he's met another woman to do doing it with. Where is the pleasure in doing it alone? That's pretty deep seated stuff sitting in a hotel room alone doing drugs. More so than doing something socially along with everyone else. To me it's not a normal way - in anyway as it is involving drugs - to let off steam. It's like drinking to excess alone, surely?

Also, the extent of the deception to do this and the negative impact it had on you even before you knew he was doing it to take drugs, and the ripple effect on the children too, it's major. I think the level of deception involved is a serious problem. He didn't just go out and get swept along with everyone, doing a few lines of coke (although if he had I'd be questioning who he was socialising with), he planned this for weeks and weeks, knowingly crapping on you at the same time. Then deflecting it onto you when you say anything - although he's trained you not to say anything, hasn't he? He's really not a very nice or decent person. He's manipulative, selfish and quite nasty when you analyse it.

No one is going to stand in the way of this man doing and getting what he wants - not even 2 kids and his heavily pregnant wife. One way or another he's put you in a little box and until now it's worked. I hope you can regain some control after this episode if you decide to stay with him. And if he wants to behave like a selfish prick I'd have no hesitation in keeping his mum informed every time he puts a toe out of line. It really comes down to do you want that kind of relationship long term? Monitoring and hectoring someone to do the right and decent thing, to put you and his kids first, rather than his wants?

Putting the actual taking of the drugs aside, it's the deception and the lies that have got to me the most. Had he arrived at the wedding, got chatting to some people and discovered they had some coke on them which he then decided to take, I could perhaps make my peace with that - or at the very least, move on with it from far quicker than this.

But it's The way he went about it all. The researching, the endless web searching, the getting it delivered, the looking me plain in the face and making up a lie about what was in the package, the trying to pretend he had no idea how the mirror got in his pocket. It's that that's breaking my heart, especially seeing as we had a conversation about this exact thing only a few weeks ago.

SIL even said to me that I need to massively put my foot down and regain some control, I think that's why she's saying there's no rush for me to let him come back home, as she knows he deserves to sit and wallow and feel miserable and shit scared about whether I'm even taking him back or not.

I've got DC2 back with me now - he wasn't settling down for a nap at SIL's so he's home now. DC1 is still with SIL and DH, he's staying there for dinner and will be brought back this evening. So hoping to try and get DC2 down for a little sleep so my break can continue for a little while longer.

I've no plans to contact DH. Apparently he said to SIL earlier this afternoon that he'd bring the DC's back later and she told him no, she'd do it. So I think DH must know by now that he's not welcome back here for some time.

You are no party pooper, have admitted that you enjoyed a bit of fun pre kids but accept you have to be a grown up now. Your OH has not got the message yet. I am sorry you are going through this.

Good on you. This is the perfect opportunity to put your foot down about what you expect from him going forward. Long-term and whether you decide to stay with him is really up to how he chooses to behave from now on.

Firstly hes got to start listening to you with some respect, and dare I say it you've got to be much more forceful in telling him how things are going to be from now on and absolutely dont relent.

50-50 childcare, 50-50 home, and for the next few months, 100% cooking, cleaning, taking the older DC out every week.
I would present him with a long list.
And tell him to grow up and accept his life. No more of this manchild coke head crap.

This thread has really progressed. I’m really sorry OP . The fact that you are about to have 3 kids born in quick succession makes me really concerned. Your SIL sounds lovely, hopefully she’ll be able to provide some support along with other family & friends.

You probably won’t leave your DH and I get that it’s easy for us to say you should but he’s really a dick.

He’s chosen to have two kids very close together ( I’m assuming) and get his wife pregnant again soon after. He should step up and accept that part of that is being tired and exhausted.

The fact that he is doing drugs while being a father to soon three children shows that he doesn’t respect you or his role as father.

He doesn’t help you around the house- putting kids to bed isn’t being a active father!

He basically adds nothing to you. You’d be better of leaving him.

OP I also think you need to take into consideration his actions and attitude over the last few years . What he did this week is beyond awful, but add that to the fact he's been taking the piss massively with his 'need to chill' and 'time away' and not giving you any time to yourself. This needs addressing too.

Take as much time as you need to think this through, you are the gel holding your family together. His actions are deplorable and have potential to cause massive ramifications should the Police catch up with him.

Come back whenever you need to vent. Look after yourself.

Didn’t think it through, the problem is he did think it through, he went to great lengths to plan it. There are some very distinct issues here; the drug taking, the bare faced lies, the money and the staggering self entitlement.

You can of course dismiss his calculating deceit as an aberration but once he’s done his puppy dog ‘I’m really sorry’ and temporary ‘good behaviour’ penance, you will be expected to ‘get over it’ in record tempo. However, the gross sense of entitlement will filter back to the surface.

@WishingILivedOnAnIsland some of us see this day in day out as well. Stop minimising what he has done. Class A Drugs delivered to a property where 2 toddler live would certainly raise alarm bells in my field of work.

I would expect there to be a credit card or cards in his name you don't know about.

His family's loyalty and support is always going to be with your DH whatever he's done. They'll primarily be concerned with maintaining his and their contact with the kids (unimpressed with how quickly your youngest was returned today though, some break). You need to seek emotional and practical support from your own family and friends. Does your eldest attend nursery or due to start soon? If family find caring for two toddlers too much can they help in other ways like housework and shopping.

If you don't have any significant outside help I'd say kick any decisions on your marriage a few months down the line, let him move back home to give you practical support over the time of the birth and immediately after. That's if he's sober. Don't expect him to change for the long term though, he's in his late 30s not young and clearly doesn't want to commit to his young family full time. He lied to you so easily, how can you ever truly rebuild trust.

Hope that your kids are in bed asleep now and that you're getting some rest. X

OP I've read the full thread but not posted until now. I'm going to go against the grain and say that I do believe this could be a one off and 'just' be about the drugs (ie not an affair etc) - NOT to minimise it though. I do think it's plausible he's not got a hidden dependency - but that he's got a hankering for that old party lifestyle and as soon as an opportunity (and let's face it, not even an appropriate opportunity) came up, he went all out. It reminds me of friends I've got who gave up smoking except for their (now rare) nights out, but when those nights out are arranged and babysitters booked they seem more excited about the smoking than the company and spark up way before they've even got their first drink. I think he needs to have a real think about his priorities because getting coked up in a hotel room on your own isn't something you should be excited about. I mean, many of us when we're busy have a little escapist fantasy, whether that's about jetting off to a sunbed or the ability to drink cheap booze and dance and not be hungover like we did at 19, but most of us know it's just a fantasy and the reality isn't really something we want.

I'm glad you've got the support of your SIL, really sorry you're having to deal with this.

Your SIL sounds amazing.

You know what you need to do OP, start preparing everything you need whilst he is out the house, photocopy the lot, keep it safe. Sort your finances out.

Don't waste a second more of your life with this untrustworthy man. At the start of the thread he was just horrible and selfish (enough to divorce someone over) and now he is actively putting you and your kids in danger by ordering things like this to your home! Jeopardising his job and therefore your security.