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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand why DH is leaving so early for friends wedding reception?

657 replies

usernamechangechange · 01/08/2019 09:37

DH is off to an old friends wedding reception this evening. I was invited, as were our children, but I’m 35 weeks pregnant and our DC’s are only 2.5 and 1.5 so dragging them over to the next town at half 7 at night made little sense, as did me going and sitting there heavily pregnant unable to drink. So, DH is going alone - I’m totally okay with this as wouldn’t want him to miss out just because I’m pregnant - plus it also saves us a bit of money too with me not going.

Anyway, DH doesn’t have to be at the venue until 7:30pm. He’s planning on leaving home today at 1pm. He’ll need to take one train for just under 15 minutes, then a bus for 30 mins to get him to the hotel he’s booked in to. A cab from the hotel to the venue later on tonight will take no more than 15 minutes.
When I asked him why he’s leaving so early, he’s said ‘he wants to chill out before going to the reception’. Fair enough, I get that, it can sometimes take me 2 hours to properly sort myself out for a night out - especially if I’m having a few glasses of wine in between caking my face with make up - but does he really need to get to the hotel 5 HOURS before he even needs to leave for the venue!?

FWIW, tonight will be the fifth night away DH has had so far this year, so it's not as if he never has time away or never has fun, in comparison, I’ve had zero nights away since our first dc was born 2 and a half years ago.... so I guess I’m a bit Hmm at why he needs SO much chill out time today, when I’m the hugely pregnant one, stuck in with two DC’s under three every single day 🤷🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think he really doesn’t need to leave so early!? I’m fine with him attending the reception and staying in the hotel overnight, but leaving our house almost 7 hours before the reception starts almost feels like a bit of a pisstake when it’s me who’ll be left with the DC’s all afternoon while he just ‘chills out’ in a hotel before a fun evening out getting pissed, then staying overnight in a nice hotel!

(I’m aware I’m likely coming off as jealous. Truth to be told, I am! I wish I could be the one to sit in a hotel for hours then attend a wedding and get drunk, flop in to a hotel bed afterwards and not have to worry about getting up with the DC’s the following morning!!!!)

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 02/08/2019 16:48

OP I'm so very sorry you're going through this crisis. Do you have family/friends you can turn to? Inform your midwife ASAP and see if they can help you

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 16:52

don't inform your midwife unless you know you want to end your relationship because if you tell her and take him back she may be duty bound to inform SS

Chamomileteaplease · 02/08/2019 16:55

I agree he is an arse. A huge one.

BUT can I just reiterate that you always seem to challenge him after the event. The time to talk is months, weeks, a week before. Anything.

Texting someone on a night off about what an awful time you are having is just not helpful. You are trying to make a point but that's not the right time to make that point.

Thinking of asking him to check out early would also make things worse. You said he could go. He lied and was a shit so the whole thing wasn't fair but you had said yes.

So the time to talk is in a few days when you have had a rest and he has pulled his weight and given you some time off and you can think straight. Looks like you need a big talk because his arsehole ways need challenging for sure.

Morgan12 · 02/08/2019 16:57

He bought cocaine online? Jesus christ. Surely that's over the dark web? That is so fucking stupid. He could get caught so easily and go to jail. And there could be literally anything in that cocaine.

If he went to those lengths to get that coke and told elaborate lies for so long in order to escape to take the coke then I can only assume he has a major problem with it. It is not normal behaviour at all.

MammaBot211 · 02/08/2019 16:59

35 weeks pregnant or not I would fucking chuck him out. He is an addict prepared to put his kids at risk and put his pregnant wife health on the line just to get his fix. He will rely on the fact your nearly due and too tired to confront him. And what happens if you go into labour and he is off his head?

I think you know what you need to do, please do not put up with his crap. Take control back, tell your Midwife and take every bit of help they offer you. Your husband is a prick.

Original poster
usernamechangechange · 02/08/2019 17:03

I've no plans to tell my midwife, it's none of her business nor does it involve her in the slightest.

Believe me I'm fuming that he bought it online - I wasn't even aware that you could do that!! He risks losing his job if he gets caught.

I've messaged him to tell him that if he goes to either his sisters or his mothers place, he needs to tell them exactly why he's there - they're not the biggest fans of me - and the lies and deceit involved as I won't have them thinking bad Of me this time and they need to know what he's done. But he's said he's too ashamed to go to them so he's just walking around in the town while he figures out where to go. Good luck to him.

OP posts:
ysmaem · 02/08/2019 17:04

I'd be hacked off to OP. I think you need to tell your DH you want a night away too once your LO is here or even before LO arrives. Book yourself into a spa hotel and get pampered.

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2019 17:04

He's an idiot.

ELM8 · 02/08/2019 17:05

Really sorry, that's shit and what an awful position to put you in.

Please don't be naive and think that was a one- off though. He knew what he was ordering and from where, and that wouldn't have been the first time. If you can bring yourself to do any detective work while he's out it's always better to be armed with the facts.

Skittlenommer · 02/08/2019 17:11

he's said he's too ashamed to go to them so he's just walking around in the town while he figures out where to go

He deserves to be taught a lesson!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2019 17:15

Ooof. Fucking hell, that did take a turn for the worse. So sorry.

You've done the right thing booting him out; you can have that shit in the house with toddlers FFS. He'll probably come crawling back soon, crying and whining that he won't do it again. What an absolute shit.

I'm so sorry he did this, that he lied in your face while you were holding them. That is appalling.

Original poster
usernamechangechange · 02/08/2019 17:15

His mum and sister are very anti-drugs so they'd rip him a new one if they knew what he'd been up to - it's no surprise he doesn't want to go to them with his tail between his legs.
But given he spent all of his months budget on a hotel, travel and drugs, he now has no money for a hotel for however many nights I don't want to look at his face.

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 02/08/2019 17:16

I’d be petty enough to tell them myself at this point!

Nanamilly · 02/08/2019 17:18

And the band played on.

BlueCornsihPixie · 02/08/2019 17:18

Look, your DH is an absolute arsehole. You know that even before the cocaine. You knew he was keen to take cocaine because of what he bought pre stag do, it was only a matter of time. You don't seem to like him at all, and that's fine because he's a wanker but own your dislike.

You need to stop being so passive aggressive. You texted him while he was there to ruin his evening, there was no point when he was there and you knew that, the only outcome was to ruin the night and get your own back. You went off to bed and passive aggressively said "I'm tired I've only had 2 hrs sleep". You can quite blatantly stand up for yourself so I'm not sure why you won't.

You need to leave him, and again you seem to know we would all say that. You can't stay with a man who orders drugs to a house with 2 very young children in!

candycane222 · 02/08/2019 17:28

BlueCornish I think we can cut OP a little slack? Even if she was origianlly here looking for a range of views, I think we can all agree that at this precise moment, support is the only thing we need to be offering her. 'Tough love' or 'plain speaking' or whatever can maybe wait a day or two?

Loopytiles · 02/08/2019 17:31

“I've no plans to tell my midwife, it's none of her business nor does it involve her in the slightest.”

That sounds like denial talking. You don’t want to tell them because you want to avoid any Qs from social services.

Your H is a poor parent and partner and a drug user. This is not good for you or your DC.

HappyLoneParentDay · 02/08/2019 17:32

Sounds like if he goes to his Mum or Sister's places he'd spin them some line about you "chucking him out because he went to the Stag Do" Again, been there! Done that! Got a stack of the t shirts. Honestly - get in there first. They'll need to know eventually and would you rather they know the truth or his version? X

HappyLoneParentDay · 02/08/2019 17:36

@Loopytiles She cannot let social services know though! They'll never leave her alone if they hear drugs were in that house regardless of who's 'fault' it was! Trust me. Even if she splits from him, they'll be asking why she didn't kick him out when she found the paraphernalia and will proportion a small amount of blame on her. Drugs rings major alarm bells for SS (rightly so of course) and it will cause no end of issues to involve Midwife & SS

Millie2017 · 02/08/2019 17:38

I bet he did get them for the stag do too and he’s just lying about not being able to source them on that occasion.
Sorry OP. This would be a deal breaker for me. Having drugs in your house with 2 little ones is awful behaviour. Not to mention all the lying.
Do you have anyone in RL who could come over and be with you?

Loopytiles · 02/08/2019 17:40

Yes it would and concern about that would be understandable.

But there are no end of issues for Op and her DC arising from this man’s behaviour and OP’s choice - if she makes that choice, hopefully she won’t - to stay in the relationship.

Indignant comments about child welfare being “none of the midwife’s business” don’t suggest good judgment.

EKGEMS · 02/08/2019 17:46

I definitely didn't write the comment clearly enough- tell the midwife you've broken up with the husband due to extremely poor choices he's made and you are very stressed right now and will probably have a change in the birth plan (if you choose to do so. Who will be supporting you at birth.) Extra help with the children,etcetera.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/08/2019 17:52

I'm so angry and upset for you OP. What he's done is wrong on so many levels

Leaving you to look after 2 small dc on your own
Leaving you to look after two dc when he didn't need to
Being selfish
Spending family money
Buying drugs
Lying

This list goes on

MammaBot211 · 02/08/2019 17:54

Sorry but he bought Class A drugs online and had them delivered to your house, where 2 toddlers are. Not only is it a Safeguarding risk, but essentially left a paper trail for the Police to come knocking at your door, and SS will be involved regardless. He lied and blatantly took the piss. We are here for you OP whatever happens. I'm angry for you.

maddy68 · 02/08/2019 18:10

I think it's perfectly reasonable. He wants to chill out, meet some other friends and have a few afternoon beers sounds great

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