To blame myself and think it’s must be low self esteem?

[SpectacularSam]

I’m a 40 year old Mum who’s unhappy and confused. I feel like I have never really had a fulfilling relationship and think that maybe this is because of low self esteem? I’m wondering if I work on that, will everything fall into place?

My relationship history is...

1. Had a huge crush on someone unobtainable from age 13-17. He consumed all of my thoughts and I suspect is the basis for some of my current need for a deep intense love.

1. Fancied a guy for a year aged 17. He had health problems so didn’t want a relationship but never explained that. He just flirted for a year and never acted. Eventually I asked him out and he said no. I moved on. Let’s call him A.

1. Aged 19 had first boyfriend B who was controlling and jealous of A. We dated for 18 months. Eventually we split up. I vowed never to be with a controlling guy again.

1. I dated A when I split with B. He had recovered from his physical health problem but he had severe MH problems and I struggled to cope with them aged 19.

1. I dated C for 2 weeks and he broke up with me out of the blue. I was so devastated as I felt like he was the one. I grieved the relationship for about 9 months.

1. Aged 22-25 I dated D for 3 years. I fell in love with him but he used to keep me on my toes by pretending other women were after him. Instead of telling him where to go, I put up with it until he eventually cheated on me. He was quite emotionally distant.

1. I dated C again for 3 months. 😱 I broke up with him.

1. I had a few flings with:

E - met at a party, short lived fling, he got back with his ex. F - ONS G - I approached him, he had a girlfriend so nothing happened. He broke up with girlfriend and we had a fling.

1. I met my husband H, aged 28. He broke up with me after a year as he felt things were moving too quickly. Got back together at my pushing. 2 years later we were living together and had problems. He had several snogs and a ONS. I begged to work things out. A few years later we got married and had 2 kids. Sex life always a problem. Counselling not helped. He is also an emotionally distant person.

10. During the marriage I had a series of crushes on unobtainable men: Before kids... I - our married builder (never told him) J - a married colleague (I told him by email after he left the company). He wasn’t interested. K - another colleague who was single. I made it obvious that I was interested in him. He wasn’t interested. After kids... L - first crush in 5 years since kids. This one is huge. He feels the same way but doesn’t want anything to happen. I tell husband that I’m unhappy. We have counselling. Doesn’t help. L and me are friends. It’s killing me because I have such strong feelings for L yet he seems to be able to shut that side down.

DH and I trying to work things out.

If you have got this far, what’s going on with me? Do I have low self esteem? Is there a pattern here? I just want to be happy.

I think that I’m attractive, I have a great job, I’m solvent, I’m healthy. I love my kids.

What do I need to do?

If this is a self esteem problem then how do I boost it?

Thanks so much for reading.

I think low self esteem plays a huge part. Also "unavailable", in various ways, men. You seem to get obsessed quickly (limerance?) It sounds like you need to leave your DH and steer clear of men in general for a while. Get some counselling. What kind of childhood did you have and what was your own father like? Could that play a part?

It sounds like you were trying to have an affair with a few of these men? If so you should really leave your husband. You don't seem happy.

I think I fall in love hard and fast. I wonder if it’s because of that initial crush as a teenager.

My parents are divorced. Mum had an affair. My Dad is a very chilled out person. I never saw my parents fight or kiss or anything.

I never actually wanted an affair. If these men had been remotely interested then I would have finished things at home. One of the colleague crushes before kids... I told DH I wanted a divorce the day before I approached the crush. DH and I patched things up and went on to have kids.

The latest work crush I stopped having sex with DH because it felt like a betrayal to my colleague.

I would never have a relationship with both at the same time.

Why are you staying with your dh?

It reads as though as soon as one of the men you get a crush on reciprocates, you'll leave your dh anyway. This is not fair ans pretty cold-blooded. You need to work on understanding your own behaviour, on your own.

Well firstly, why are you staying in an unhappy marriage? You are actively pursuing men while married. It sounds like you have never been happy in the relationship.

It looks like you’re looking for an excuse to leave him. As soon as one of your crushes reciprocates, you will leave anyway. You don’t need an excuse to leave, you can leave just because you’re not happy in the relationship.
Then you and your DH will be free to pursue other people.

I’m staying with DH because there is no good reason to leave. He’s good looking, a great Dad, intelligent, interesting. The problems are the sex life, he’s emotionally distant, he talks at me. My latest crush made me feel like he actually cared about me and was interested in me as a person.

Also I don’t want to hurt my kids. I don’t want to only have them 50%.

And as it is, I would be choosing to be single and I guess I’m scared. I’m scared that maybe I’m looking for a golden unicorn and I should just stick with my perfectly decent life.

As soon as one of your crushes reciprocates, you will leave anyway.
But they never do reciprocate. At least not enough to even kiss me.
I think that’s partly because I’m attracted to kind, good men.

I wondered if this is a self esteem problem then I could break this cycle.

You arenr looking for an affair, just waiting for someone to reciprocate, then you will fuck off and leave you dh

But not if someone else doesnt want you?

I want love, passion, fun, kisses, sex, dates, intensity, someone who’s interested in me.

I just wonder if this is all totally immature and I just need to crack on with my marriage.

Wow, you’ve gone into a lot of detail there OP - it’s like your whole life has just revolved around men and having crushes on them like a teenager would really, how do you even remember all this. You need to really change your focus in life because it’s not healthy. You say you fall in love hard and fast but it sounds more like obsession not love. I don’t know where self esteem even comes in to this.

But they never do reciprocate. At least not enough to even kiss me.

BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED. Sensible people do not have affairs with married women/men.

Also I don’t want to hurt my kids. I don’t want to only have them 50%.

But that would happen anyway of one of your crushes reciprocated?

I think jumping from one relationship straight into another one wouldn't be good for you anyway. You don't love your DH and he has cheated on you multiple times, leave him and spend some time alone before trying to find someone else.

My life has a lot of other things going on but this is just my relationship history. I have a wonderful career. I have many amazing friends.

I think relationships are important to me though. Maybe that’s because I’m still searching for a mutually fulfilling relationship.

I don’t feel obsessed.

Remember this is over a 20 year period and I do have an excellent memory!

Sensible people do not have affairs with married women/men. Yes, you’re right. I need to remember that and not feel rejected because of it.

But that would happen anyway of one of your crushes reciprocated? True but at least it would be worth it then.

I think jumping from one relationship straight into another one wouldn't be good for you anyway. You don't love your DH and he has cheated on you multiple times, leave him and spend some time alone before trying to find someone else.
But maybe this is all just me being silly. Maybe I just need to grow up.

I think it’s worth some counselling/therapy to explore your feelings about these intense crushes. They seem to dominate your life but actually they’ll never make you happy. I was similar when I was younger. I’ve discovered as an adult I have ASD - explains some of the intensity and obsessions I’ve experienced over the years!

I actually chose to have a period of time where I stayed single (never had more offers before or since!) to work on myself, try to understand who I was, I stopped drinking too because it was a bad habit of mine - binge drinking and hooking up with random strangers During my sobriety I met DH. We took it slowly and it works, been together 12 years and I’ve never crushed on anyone else!

What are you like otherwise in life? Are you confident at work? Do you experience anxiety?

"At least it would be worth it then"
What would? You say you don't want to hurt your kids or have them 50% of the time but if you could find some pie in the sky amazingly fulfilling relationship (by meeting someone while you're still married) then it would be worth it? I don't get that logic. It does sound like you are measuring everything by the yardstick of having a man in your life to give it meaning. It doesn't have to be like that.

Fair enough. Well if it’s a fulfilling relationship your looking for and your husband is apparently not giving you that then you’ll have to look elsewhere - but tell him first and separate obviously, you’re not going to get this fulfilling relationship by cheating. No decent guy isn’t going to look for love by starting an affair with a married woman.

They seem to dominate your life but actually they’ll never make you happy.. But if L wanted me enough to leave his wife then I think we’d be happy.

I can see why you’re suggesting a period of being single but I feel like I have been single within a relationship for most of my life. I hardly have any sex or other intimacy. I’m craving human contact, human touch, love, etc.

I don’t drink. I’m happy and confident at work. I don’t suffer from anxiety.

When I was with my boyfriend from 22-25 for 3 years I never crushed on anyone else.

If I was with L I truly believe I would never ever look at another man again.

No decent guy is going to look for love by starting an affair with a married woman.
Yes, this is very true.

Well if it’s a fulfilling relationship your looking for and your husband is apparently not giving you that then you’ll have to look elsewhere
But AIBU to even consider it? Am I just silly and immature?

True but at least it would be worth it then.

But that's a lot of pressure to put on a new relationship if you leave your DH and kids for them. No dating or getting to know each other, just straight into a full on relationship.

You talk about leaving your DH and kids for these men but you don't even know them. A builder, two colleagues and you don't say who the current one is. Two of them are married, again don't know about the current one. You never told the builder, told the first colleague by email and hinted at the second colleague.