To blame myself and think it’s must be low self esteem?

[SpectacularSam]

I’m a 40 year old Mum who’s unhappy and confused. I feel like I have never really had a fulfilling relationship and think that maybe this is because of low self esteem? I’m wondering if I work on that, will everything fall into place?

My relationship history is...

1. Had a huge crush on someone unobtainable from age 13-17. He consumed all of my thoughts and I suspect is the basis for some of my current need for a deep intense love.

1. Fancied a guy for a year aged 17. He had health problems so didn’t want a relationship but never explained that. He just flirted for a year and never acted. Eventually I asked him out and he said no. I moved on. Let’s call him A.

1. Aged 19 had first boyfriend B who was controlling and jealous of A. We dated for 18 months. Eventually we split up. I vowed never to be with a controlling guy again.

1. I dated A when I split with B. He had recovered from his physical health problem but he had severe MH problems and I struggled to cope with them aged 19.

1. I dated C for 2 weeks and he broke up with me out of the blue. I was so devastated as I felt like he was the one. I grieved the relationship for about 9 months.

1. Aged 22-25 I dated D for 3 years. I fell in love with him but he used to keep me on my toes by pretending other women were after him. Instead of telling him where to go, I put up with it until he eventually cheated on me. He was quite emotionally distant.

1. I dated C again for 3 months. 😱 I broke up with him.

1. I had a few flings with:

E - met at a party, short lived fling, he got back with his ex. F - ONS G - I approached him, he had a girlfriend so nothing happened. He broke up with girlfriend and we had a fling.

1. I met my husband H, aged 28. He broke up with me after a year as he felt things were moving too quickly. Got back together at my pushing. 2 years later we were living together and had problems. He had several snogs and a ONS. I begged to work things out. A few years later we got married and had 2 kids. Sex life always a problem. Counselling not helped. He is also an emotionally distant person.

10. During the marriage I had a series of crushes on unobtainable men: Before kids... I - our married builder (never told him) J - a married colleague (I told him by email after he left the company). He wasn’t interested. K - another colleague who was single. I made it obvious that I was interested in him. He wasn’t interested. After kids... L - first crush in 5 years since kids. This one is huge. He feels the same way but doesn’t want anything to happen. I tell husband that I’m unhappy. We have counselling. Doesn’t help. L and me are friends. It’s killing me because I have such strong feelings for L yet he seems to be able to shut that side down.

DH and I trying to work things out.

If you have got this far, what’s going on with me? Do I have low self esteem? Is there a pattern here? I just want to be happy.

I think that I’m attractive, I have a great job, I’m solvent, I’m healthy. I love my kids.

What do I need to do?

If this is a self esteem problem then how do I boost it?

Thanks so much for reading.

It’s easy to blame self esteem though isn’t it? Seems every cheater always has an excuse. No you’ve not cheated yet but you’ve wanted to.

As an adult you do have to take responsibility instead of looking for excuses all the time, to excuse your behaviour.

If your unhappy in your marriage and want to shag someone else, at least be a decent human being and leave first. You cheat while in the marriage you hurt the innocent dh and potentially damage your dc as well, you leave the marriage first yes it will hurt dh but not to the same extent and the dc will definitely be better off for it ending that way.