To blame myself and think it’s must be low self esteem?

[SpectacularSam]

I’m a 40 year old Mum who’s unhappy and confused. I feel like I have never really had a fulfilling relationship and think that maybe this is because of low self esteem? I’m wondering if I work on that, will everything fall into place?

My relationship history is...

1. Had a huge crush on someone unobtainable from age 13-17. He consumed all of my thoughts and I suspect is the basis for some of my current need for a deep intense love.

1. Fancied a guy for a year aged 17. He had health problems so didn’t want a relationship but never explained that. He just flirted for a year and never acted. Eventually I asked him out and he said no. I moved on. Let’s call him A.

1. Aged 19 had first boyfriend B who was controlling and jealous of A. We dated for 18 months. Eventually we split up. I vowed never to be with a controlling guy again.

1. I dated A when I split with B. He had recovered from his physical health problem but he had severe MH problems and I struggled to cope with them aged 19.

1. I dated C for 2 weeks and he broke up with me out of the blue. I was so devastated as I felt like he was the one. I grieved the relationship for about 9 months.

1. Aged 22-25 I dated D for 3 years. I fell in love with him but he used to keep me on my toes by pretending other women were after him. Instead of telling him where to go, I put up with it until he eventually cheated on me. He was quite emotionally distant.

1. I dated C again for 3 months. 😱 I broke up with him.

1. I had a few flings with:

E - met at a party, short lived fling, he got back with his ex. F - ONS G - I approached him, he had a girlfriend so nothing happened. He broke up with girlfriend and we had a fling.

1. I met my husband H, aged 28. He broke up with me after a year as he felt things were moving too quickly. Got back together at my pushing. 2 years later we were living together and had problems. He had several snogs and a ONS. I begged to work things out. A few years later we got married and had 2 kids. Sex life always a problem. Counselling not helped. He is also an emotionally distant person.

10. During the marriage I had a series of crushes on unobtainable men: Before kids... I - our married builder (never told him) J - a married colleague (I told him by email after he left the company). He wasn’t interested. K - another colleague who was single. I made it obvious that I was interested in him. He wasn’t interested. After kids... L - first crush in 5 years since kids. This one is huge. He feels the same way but doesn’t want anything to happen. I tell husband that I’m unhappy. We have counselling. Doesn’t help. L and me are friends. It’s killing me because I have such strong feelings for L yet he seems to be able to shut that side down.

DH and I trying to work things out.

If you have got this far, what’s going on with me? Do I have low self esteem? Is there a pattern here? I just want to be happy.

I think that I’m attractive, I have a great job, I’m solvent, I’m healthy. I love my kids.

What do I need to do?

If this is a self esteem problem then how do I boost it?

Thanks so much for reading.

Let the past go and focus on what’s happening right now. I thought that reflecting on past mistakes might give me some clarity about the present.

You sound way too intense. Grieving a 2 weeks relationship for 9 months is ridiculous. If you're not fulfilled with your husband they either put up and shut up or separate and move on.

Strong of meaningless flings is pretty standard for our twenties and early thirties. Stop trying to find a meaning where there is none. You’re over analysing the wrong thing.

I think you’re in the midst of a midlife crisis. (Honestly you sound like a teenage girl has taken over your life). Take yourself off on a solo holiday, do some soul searching, sort your marriage problems out.

L is not “the one”, you are just trying to make him fit into some weird shaped hole you’ve suddenly found.

I see your point about I think you are struggling to accept that a stable life with the same life partner is going to be exactly that.
But the way I feel is that I wouldn’t mind if DH cheated on me now. I don’t think that’s a normal feeling in a long term marriage. My friends who are married would find that upsetting.

L is not “the one”, you are just trying to make him fit into some weird shaped hole you’ve suddenly found.
I don’t think that I said he was. I’m just very attracted to him, he’s my best friend, I miss him when I’m apart from him. If we were both single then I think we would go on a date. Beyond that, I have no idea.

I think you’re in the midst of a midlife crisis. I completely agree with you.

Stop trying to find a meaning where there is none. You’re over analysing the wrong thing. But I’m 40 and not in a fulfilling relationship. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes forever. I think looking back has to be a good thing?

Christ

But I’m 40 and not in a fulfilling relationship. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes forever. I think looking back has to be a good thing?

What mistake have you made other than pushing your DH to marry you then attempting to have multiple affairs?

You're acting like some lovelorn maiden instead of a woman in a loveless marriage who is trying to find a bit of excitement. All this navel gazing is pointless. You either continue on the way you are or change something, and NOT by trying to shag...oops I mean have a crush on...men already in relationships.

Got to the end of the thread and then read your OP again.

Tell me more about C and D.

Having read everything, it sounds to me like you feel you've never been in love with someone who was in love with you, and this is what you're craving.
But also that you're not sure what it looks/feels like?
C and D seem like they might have both come close?

There are some harsh replies here (but you DID choose to post in IABU, not Relationships). I don't think they're wrong, but they're harsh (but MN is not keen on infidelity... too many posters have had their lives turned upside down by it)

I am suspecting you have an idea within you of what "love" should look/feel/be like (possibly formed by films or books or TV or social media) and you want a piece of it and don't feel you've ever properly had it.

So (if I'm right) then A - Z person, whether they're a colleague or a builder or someone you've had a relationship with isn't the answer.

WORKING on a relationship is what's important. But it's pointless me telling you this... it's something you need to discover for yourself (which is kind-of what PPs have told you).

Also, in your long history. They're all about what you think about other men.

What about men who've fancied you? There must've been some.

You. Need. Counselling.

Close mumsnet and google counselling in your area. Sit down with a trained professional and sort your head out properly.

Does anyone else find it odd when grown people include dating history as far back to when they were age 13?

There are two completely seperate things here

A) should you stay with dh? For the sake of your kids, well thats up to you but if you stay you should make a commitment to give the relationship a go. Maybe try couplea.counselling?
B) should you get with L? Lets assume he secretly wants to despite being with someone else. You will.be responaibke for bringing down his marroagq and probabky huetibg your chikdren quite badly. Os he qorth it? Honeatly is he?

My opinion is call.it off with your DH unless you can find a way to make it work. I totally get what you say about shared time with kids etc. But unless you can find a solution you risk a massive betrayal in the form of adultery and honestly that will be very tough for the kids, i say that from experience.

How your husband treated you is irrelevant now.

Tell me more about C and D.

C was the first guy I dated who seemed ‘normal’ in the sense that he wasn’t controlling and didn’t have severe anxiety. I met him at uni and he was fun, cheeky, cocky in a good way. We had a whirlwind romance and got closer and closer over this admittedly short 2 week period. I let my imagination run wild as I thought he was the one. He broke up with me suddenly and unexpectedly and with no explanation. I think that’s why it was difficult to get over him. It was only 4 years later when I dated him again that I understood what it was all about. We were 22 at the time and he was a virgin and terrified of sex. He thought we would end up there as we were getting very intimate. When we got together again he was interested (and still a virgin but 26 by this time) but for outing reasons I decided not to go there. I wasn’t really over D so it wouldn’t have worked anyway.

D was the first person I loved. He was funny, also cocky, arrogant in a good way. I was friends with him for months before we got together. In fact I used to talk to him about C and ask his advice. Apparently he fancied me during that time. One day it suddenly dawned on me that I really liked D as more than just friends. We kissed and got together. I was his first girlfriend and he lost his virginity to me aged 24 I think. He wasn’t conventionally good looking although I thought he was gorgeous and he was insecure I suspect as he was often trying to make me jealous. Our sex life wasn’t great and eventually it dwindled. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with his first girlfriend and he broke up with me. We had a rocky time for about a year but are really very close friends still. I’m not friends with any of the others!

it sounds to me like you feel you've never been in love with someone who was in love with you, and this is what you're craving. Exactly. And I have had a taste of that with L. Possibly more of a mutual fascination.

C and D seem like they might have both come close? Yes I loved D very much.

Have a look at attachment styles. It might be worth trying to get some help in this area and see if anything in your childhood has influenced your adult attachments.

Stop looking for happiness with a man, you sound like so many friends of mine endlessly seeking validation from a relationship.

Are you scared of being alone, if so why?

Oh for fucks sake SpectacularSam
Understand one thing here, no other person can make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness and you're a fool if you think otherwise.
I'll be honest and say I haven't even read all of your updates but it's quite clear that you're seeking validation for your decision to cheat with L Grow up and take some responsibility for your own life, you know the only life you'll ever have.

Have a google on attachment styles and relationships-slight armchair psychology but repeatedly going after emotionally unavailable (avoidant) men isn't an accident and yes it can be changed...there's a really good book 'Attached' on this...

What about men who've fancied you? There must've been some.
That is a very interesting question!
B fancied me but had his health problems so didn’t feel he could pursue it initially.
There was a guy at uni who asked me out in a group. When I turned up it was just me and him, intentionally on his part. I hurried off home at the end of the night and when I started dating A he phoned me and had a go at me for leading him on!
Another guy at uni asked me out on a date when I wasn’t really over C. I went on the date despite not fancying him as I wanted to be open to new relationships but I just wasn’t feeling it.
Another guy at uni I had a few dates with but I never kissed him and I actually sloped off to chat to D instead who said, aren’t you supposed to be on a date with X?? That was before I got together with D.
After D there was a guy who I had two dates with who seemed keen but I was hurting a lot and wasn’t over my 3 year relationship with D.
After that there wasn’t really anyone else until my husband.
I get guys flirting with me at work.
I’m actually the kind of person who really doesn’t enjoy unwanted attention. If I fancy a guy then I want him to fancy me back but otherwise I really don’t want any attention from guys.
I would never flirt with a guy if I didn’t want something to happen with him. I hate the awkwardness.

I also had a guy at work very recently make a pass at me. He’s a nice guy and I think he really likes me for me which has been a confidence boost. I told him that I’m not interested and we’re still friends. He’s not remotely my type, although he is attractive.

Sunshine93 we have had two sets of counselling.