To blame myself and think it’s must be low self esteem?

[SpectacularSam]

I’m a 40 year old Mum who’s unhappy and confused. I feel like I have never really had a fulfilling relationship and think that maybe this is because of low self esteem? I’m wondering if I work on that, will everything fall into place?

My relationship history is...

1. Had a huge crush on someone unobtainable from age 13-17. He consumed all of my thoughts and I suspect is the basis for some of my current need for a deep intense love.

1. Fancied a guy for a year aged 17. He had health problems so didn’t want a relationship but never explained that. He just flirted for a year and never acted. Eventually I asked him out and he said no. I moved on. Let’s call him A.

1. Aged 19 had first boyfriend B who was controlling and jealous of A. We dated for 18 months. Eventually we split up. I vowed never to be with a controlling guy again.

1. I dated A when I split with B. He had recovered from his physical health problem but he had severe MH problems and I struggled to cope with them aged 19.

1. I dated C for 2 weeks and he broke up with me out of the blue. I was so devastated as I felt like he was the one. I grieved the relationship for about 9 months.

1. Aged 22-25 I dated D for 3 years. I fell in love with him but he used to keep me on my toes by pretending other women were after him. Instead of telling him where to go, I put up with it until he eventually cheated on me. He was quite emotionally distant.

1. I dated C again for 3 months. 😱 I broke up with him.

1. I had a few flings with:

E - met at a party, short lived fling, he got back with his ex. F - ONS G - I approached him, he had a girlfriend so nothing happened. He broke up with girlfriend and we had a fling.

1. I met my husband H, aged 28. He broke up with me after a year as he felt things were moving too quickly. Got back together at my pushing. 2 years later we were living together and had problems. He had several snogs and a ONS. I begged to work things out. A few years later we got married and had 2 kids. Sex life always a problem. Counselling not helped. He is also an emotionally distant person.

10. During the marriage I had a series of crushes on unobtainable men: Before kids... I - our married builder (never told him) J - a married colleague (I told him by email after he left the company). He wasn’t interested. K - another colleague who was single. I made it obvious that I was interested in him. He wasn’t interested. After kids... L - first crush in 5 years since kids. This one is huge. He feels the same way but doesn’t want anything to happen. I tell husband that I’m unhappy. We have counselling. Doesn’t help. L and me are friends. It’s killing me because I have such strong feelings for L yet he seems to be able to shut that side down.

DH and I trying to work things out.

If you have got this far, what’s going on with me? Do I have low self esteem? Is there a pattern here? I just want to be happy.

I think that I’m attractive, I have a great job, I’m solvent, I’m healthy. I love my kids.

What do I need to do?

If this is a self esteem problem then how do I boost it?

Thanks so much for reading.

Cautious with money but loves gambling?

Cautious with money but loves gambling?
He’s very cautious with money in the sense that he doesn’t fritter money away on coffees like me. If he was planning a holiday he would be very cautious to ensure it was good value.
However, he loves the thrill of gambling but does it very rarely. He goes to a casino about once a year.

Well you're not going to grow up with him since your relationship with him is part of the reason you're playing this part of the crushing ingenue . You have no reason to grow up, so you'll just self indulge in crushes with attached or unavailable men,who are just the best thing ever,dreaming of breaking up two homes/marriages so you can have your romantic,star crossed lovers happily ever after.

You need to grow up, Op.

You’re an immature drama queen.

And you’re embarrassing yourself with L considering he’s clearly not interested.

Grow up. Stop trying to ruin someone’s marriage. Leave your cheating husband. And stay away from men for at least a year.

And no, I don’t think a crush you had on someone at age 13 is a reason to go prowling around married men.

So I’m wondering if this immature side of me is looking for something that doesn’t exist and I should just stay married.

Or whether feeling this way outside of my marriage is a sign that things aren’t right?

I still don’t feel like I have that clarity.

I would like a relationship, a sex life, a companion, someone to enjoy life with.
And you admit you’re withholding sex from your DH in some weird being faithful to your colleague.
Tbh I’ve rarely read such a pile of immature shite. You sound like a daft 13 yr old, grow up and think about your DC and your DH, or carry on with your selfish self obsession and leave the 3 of them to get on with their life’s whilst you moon over every man that catches your eye.

And you’re embarrassing yourself with L considering he’s clearly not interested.
I might be embarrassing myself but he has certainly played a part in this. He might be just enjoying an ego boost but he has definitely led me on. I have had him crying on my shoulder about how he feels about me so it hasn’t all been one sided. He has never said, “Sam, I fancy you” but he has said a lot of other stuff that basically gives that impression.

If I was on my own I would just lose my kids 50% of the time and live in a smaller property and have to struggle more financially. I still wouldn’t have my loved one.
Further selfish shite, L isn’t your loved one; he’s not interested and probably tells his wife about his weird batshit colleague.

Look, I don't think your husband is some kind of saint or victim,but it's obvious the marriage is dead. The relationship isn't working and I doubt either of you are happy and would be unfaithful if given the chance . That's why you should call it quits .

And you admit you’re withholding sex from your DH in some weird being faithful to your colleague.
I know it sounds weird.
Our sex life was terrible before any of this happened.

It doesn’t sound weird it is weird.
You laughably think you have low self esteem; your posts only come across as selfish and deluded. Your lack of awareness as to how ridiculous your behaviour is astounding.
Leave your DH he deserves better than a user for a wife.

He probably tells his wife about his weird batshit colleague.
I don’t think he does this. He is the one who initiates all of the contact outside of work which he needn’t do.

Your lack of awareness as to how ridiculous your behaviour is astounding.
Is it that ridiculous? Man cheats on partner, she marries him anyway but something has damaged the relationship and she seeks to replace what’s missing. I don’t think a crush outside of marriage is that mad.

He is the one who initiates all of the contact outside of work which he needn’t do. I mean in terms of socialising, not texting.

He is the one who initiates all of the contact outside of work which he needn’t do.

I thought you said he never contacts you if you don't,and that if you stopped he probably wouldn't message you again.

Leave your DH he deserves better than a user for a wife.
I’m no saint but remember that my husband is the one who has been physically unfaithful. He might be attracted to other people too. I haven’t had any physical contact with L.

I thought you said he never contacts you if you don't,and that if you stopped he probably wouldn't message you again.
Yes, sorry, to clarify: I text him, he calls me, he suggests meeting up.

I don’t think he does this. He is the one who initiates all of the contact outside of work which he needn’t do.

How does that fit in with

I suspect that if I didn’t contact him ever again then I would never hear from him again.

Either he initiates contact or not?

I don’t think a crush outside of marriage is that mad.

Having a crush is not mad. Making them out to be the love of your life and willingly leaving your DH and DC for a fantasy is not. Actively going after married men is not. Wanting a relationship with three different colleagues is not.

I’m no saint but remember that my husband is the one who has been physically unfaithful. He might be attracted to other people too. I haven’t had any physical contact with L.

You are using him to keep your house and to not have to share your kids. If L left his wife then you'd be gone like a shot.

What are you telling your DH and DC when you're off meeting this man?

You sound self absorbed and immature. I don’t even remember half my flings etc , no way I could list them with such timings and detail. Let the past go and focus on what’s happening right now.
If you’re not happy with it then change it.
No amount of harking back to the past is going to help. Half of those so called relationships sound absolutely meaningless. Seriously.

What are you telling your DH and DC when you're off meeting this man?
DH knows he’s my colleague and that we’re close friends. The DC have met him many times at work fun days etc.

Half of those so called relationships sound absolutely meaningless I agree. I thought it might help to see a pattern. A string of meaningless flings perhaps?

I think you are struggling to accept that a stable life with the same life partner is going to be exactly that. There is never going to be the excitement, the dates and getting to know you stage.

However any ‘crush’ that you leave your DH for will eventually settle into every day life. What then? Could end up like Groundhog Day.