To blame myself and think it’s must be low self esteem?

[SpectacularSam]

I’m a 40 year old Mum who’s unhappy and confused. I feel like I have never really had a fulfilling relationship and think that maybe this is because of low self esteem? I’m wondering if I work on that, will everything fall into place?

My relationship history is...

1. Had a huge crush on someone unobtainable from age 13-17. He consumed all of my thoughts and I suspect is the basis for some of my current need for a deep intense love.

1. Fancied a guy for a year aged 17. He had health problems so didn’t want a relationship but never explained that. He just flirted for a year and never acted. Eventually I asked him out and he said no. I moved on. Let’s call him A.

1. Aged 19 had first boyfriend B who was controlling and jealous of A. We dated for 18 months. Eventually we split up. I vowed never to be with a controlling guy again.

1. I dated A when I split with B. He had recovered from his physical health problem but he had severe MH problems and I struggled to cope with them aged 19.

1. I dated C for 2 weeks and he broke up with me out of the blue. I was so devastated as I felt like he was the one. I grieved the relationship for about 9 months.

1. Aged 22-25 I dated D for 3 years. I fell in love with him but he used to keep me on my toes by pretending other women were after him. Instead of telling him where to go, I put up with it until he eventually cheated on me. He was quite emotionally distant.

1. I dated C again for 3 months. 😱 I broke up with him.

1. I had a few flings with:

E - met at a party, short lived fling, he got back with his ex. F - ONS G - I approached him, he had a girlfriend so nothing happened. He broke up with girlfriend and we had a fling.

1. I met my husband H, aged 28. He broke up with me after a year as he felt things were moving too quickly. Got back together at my pushing. 2 years later we were living together and had problems. He had several snogs and a ONS. I begged to work things out. A few years later we got married and had 2 kids. Sex life always a problem. Counselling not helped. He is also an emotionally distant person.

10. During the marriage I had a series of crushes on unobtainable men: Before kids... I - our married builder (never told him) J - a married colleague (I told him by email after he left the company). He wasn’t interested. K - another colleague who was single. I made it obvious that I was interested in him. He wasn’t interested. After kids... L - first crush in 5 years since kids. This one is huge. He feels the same way but doesn’t want anything to happen. I tell husband that I’m unhappy. We have counselling. Doesn’t help. L and me are friends. It’s killing me because I have such strong feelings for L yet he seems to be able to shut that side down.

DH and I trying to work things out.

If you have got this far, what’s going on with me? Do I have low self esteem? Is there a pattern here? I just want to be happy.

I think that I’m attractive, I have a great job, I’m solvent, I’m healthy. I love my kids.

What do I need to do?

If this is a self esteem problem then how do I boost it?

Thanks so much for reading.

It does sound like you are measuring everything by the yardstick of having a man in your life to give it meaning. but I would like a relationship, a sex life, a companion, someone to enjoy life with. I weirdly feel like I have been single for most of my life.

I think you like excitement, you're always attention seeking with men.

What's causing it I don't know. But it looks like attention seeking, A need for male validation and excitement.

Calling it crushes is childish. It's just you fancy some other bloke and want him to fancy you,

No one here knows if you will be able to find a fulfilling relationship with the things you want within it, if you leave your DH. What I do know is that you've no chance at all of finding it from within an unhappy marriage. All that will happen is that you'll continue to pine over other men in the hope that one day, one of them does something. Plus these "good" men, who "won't leave" their wives for you will always be on pedestals for you.

I have only had one crush since I have had kids. The pre-kids crushes may have turned into something maybe not.

I never intended to have a crush after I had kids and I hadn’t had one for 5 years.

The most recent guy, L, and I are really close. We have become really close friends over 12 months. We see each other outside of work and talk all the time. I suspect most people would say our relationship is an emotional affair. We have never really spoken of our feelings for each other and he’s clearly committed to his wife so nothing is going to happen. But I do feel like I know L pretty well.

I don’t particularly like the word crush. I agree it sounds childish. I used that word as it’s easy to understand. I don’t feel like I have a crush on L, I feel like I have a strong attraction to him sexually, emotionally, physically, etc.

All that will happen is that you'll continue to pine over other men in the hope that one day, one of them does something. Plus these "good" men, who "won't leave" their wives for you will always be on pedestals for you.
I want to break the cycle.
I want to be happy.
I want the next time I feel this way (how I do about L) about a man, to be able to actually have a relationship with him.

Why is a man worth it but you're not?

You're unhappy,bored and miserable. Do something about it,but that's not shagging another man. Stop looking for a rescuer and rescue yourself.

Leave. Work on yourself. And when you're ready, date. Preferably a man that's not married.

Then you need to leave your husband. You need to stop contact with L. Of course it's an emotional affair and you are both fooling yourself. It's going nowhere.

Why is a man worth it but you're not? How do you mean? Sorry, I don’t understand.

I really don’t want to stop contact with L. He’s my sunshine. Even if we just have to be friends forever.

You said if you had another man at least it would be worth it . Do it for yourself, not for some fantasy man.

Do it for yourself, not for some fantasy man. but I feel really fulfilled in every other aspect of my life. I love my job more than anyone I have ever met. I have hobbies that I enjoy. Great friends whose company fills me with joy. I get on well with my lovely parents. I love my kids. I don’t need a man to complete me. I feel complete already. I really like myself. But what I would like is to have a loving sexual relationship. I want to be in love.

I don’t see my husband that often as he’s always at work.

If I was on my own I would just lose my kids 50% of the time and live in a smaller property and have to struggle more financially. I still wouldn’t have my loved one.

How you feel about L isn't real, btw. But when you're in the middle of it it's hard to see.

The relationship with your DH is real, but doesn't sound like it's even been great.

You either need to leave your DH or cut L off as your next step.

Doing anything else is unkind to your DH and leaves you living in some fantasy land limbo where your will never truly feel fulfilled or loved.

I think you're addicted to the feeling you get when you have a crush. It's exciting and "perfect".

As soon as it becomes real, it loses its magic and excitement. You realise the person is flawed and human.

If you don't plan to leave your DH you owe it to him and yourself (and your DC) to try to make your relationship as good as it can be.

We see each other outside of work and talk all the time. I suspect most people would say our relationship is an emotional affair. We have never really spoken of our feelings for each other and he’s clearly committed to his wife so nothing is going to happen.

So 3/4 of the crushes are married and 3/4 were/are colleagues? So most of these crushes have been on guys you know you could never have.

If I was on my own I would just lose my kids 50% of the time and live in a smaller property and have to struggle more financially. I still wouldn’t have my loved one.

So that's your choice -

1. Stay with your cheating DH in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids (who WILL pick up that you're unhappy BTW) and for your financial security. Keep pining over men who don't want to have an affair with you.
2. Leave, be single for a bit and start a new relationship from scratch, with someone who IS NOT MARRIED.

I think you're going round in circles here. The choice is this: stay with your husband and continue to feel unfulfilled and seek attention from unavailable men, or leave, take the hit from that (less time with kids, smaller house etc etc) and seek the love/sex you crave. That's it. Staying friends with L is an emotional crutch which will prevent you moving on. As is staying with your husband.

Also, if you really like yourself, why are you wondering about low self-esteem?

So 3/4 of the crushes are married and 3/4 were/are colleagues? So most of these crushes have been on guys you know you could never have.
I think of L as being the only really serious one. With the other 3 they didn’t really know me. He knows me better than anyone. I have told him things that I have never told anyone else. If we were single we would be together.

Keep pining over men who don't want to have an affair with you.
This is the cycle that I want to break.

Leave, be single for a bit and start a new relationship from scratch, with someone who IS NOT MARRIED.
I would like that but I’m scared.

Staying friends with L is an emotional crutch which will prevent you moving on. As is staying with your husband.
I know but as I say I’m so scared.

Also, if you really like yourself, why are you wondering about low self-esteem?
I do genuinely really like myself.
I wondered about the low self esteem because I allow men to get away with stuff when I like them. I put myself out too much for them. I empathise with their position too much.

For example, I understood why DH cheated and I forgave him. One of my exes used to make me jealous and I empathised that it was just because he was insecure and I didn’t leave him over it.

This current situation with L... I tend to be the one leading on contact. I think it’s because he wants to hear from me but feels guilty if he contacts me because of his wife. We have this thing whereby I tend to text him and then he phones me and we have long chats. I suspect that if I didn’t contact him ever again then I would never hear from him again. Not because he doesn’t have strong feelings for me but because he would be pursuing things too actively between us and it would feel wrong to him (understandably). So I think maybe I have low self esteem to keep contacting him in these circumstances in which I think I’d never hear from him again if I didn’t.

So is it low self esteem or am I just too nice/understanding/empathetic?

I think of L as being the only really serious one. With the other 3 they didn’t really know me. He knows me better than anyone. I have told him things that I have never told anyone else. If we were single we would be together.

But he is still unavailable and in a relationship.

The thing is, you have still built him up to be the perfect man when you don't know him. Has he seen you first thing in the morning with no makeup and messy hair? Have you spent any length of time in each other's company? Have you seen him slouched on the couch in his comfy joggers? Does he have any bad habits/flaws? What is his opinion on politics? What are his hobbies? What is he like with money? Does he gamble? Does he watch porn?

Sorry, but someone who would not reach out and message you first (let alone leave his wife for you) is not the description of a person who has strong feelings for you, despite what you may wish.

I think it's really unfair that you're pursuing other men while married. You're hedging your bets while you wait for a better offer than your husband to come along.

You should divorce your husband, then have therapy with a counsellor who specialises in relationship issues.

So is it low self esteem or am I just too nice/understanding/empathetic?

Neither, you need to grow up.

I know the answers to these questions!

Has he seen you first thing in the morning with no makeup and messy hair?
No and that does concern me!

Have you spent any length of time in each other's company?
Yes, imagine we are police partners or similar. So hours upon hours of being alone together in the day, evening, nights and weekends, often in stressful or dangerous situations.

Have you seen him slouched on the couch in his comfy joggers?
I have seen a photo of him doing that! No, but I have worked with him throughout the night and seen his bed hair.
Does he have any bad habits/flaws?
He has so many!! He has a horrible physical habit that I don’t want to say because I’m worried about being recognised. He is also very flawed. He is selfish, he can be angry and cruel to others. I see his flaws pretty clearly.

What is his opinion on politics?
He’s apolitical unlike me. If he was interested then he would sway to the opposite end to me.

What are his hobbies?
He doesn’t have much time for hobbies but I do know what they are and they would be if he was free. Again I’m worried about outing myself.

What is he like with money?
Very cautious, unlike me.

Does he gamble?
Yes, he loves it.

Does he watch porn?
Yes, we have chatted about it.

Sorry, but someone who would not reach out and message you first (let alone leave his wife for you) is not the description of a person who has strong feelings for you, despite what you may wish.
You might be right.

YourSarcasmIsDripping well I thought I might need to grow up. Maybe this whole thing is me just being immature and silly which is partly why I’m afraid to leave DH.