To blame myself and think it’s must be low self esteem?

[SpectacularSam]

I’m a 40 year old Mum who’s unhappy and confused. I feel like I have never really had a fulfilling relationship and think that maybe this is because of low self esteem? I’m wondering if I work on that, will everything fall into place?

My relationship history is...

1. Had a huge crush on someone unobtainable from age 13-17. He consumed all of my thoughts and I suspect is the basis for some of my current need for a deep intense love.

1. Fancied a guy for a year aged 17. He had health problems so didn’t want a relationship but never explained that. He just flirted for a year and never acted. Eventually I asked him out and he said no. I moved on. Let’s call him A.

1. Aged 19 had first boyfriend B who was controlling and jealous of A. We dated for 18 months. Eventually we split up. I vowed never to be with a controlling guy again.

1. I dated A when I split with B. He had recovered from his physical health problem but he had severe MH problems and I struggled to cope with them aged 19.

1. I dated C for 2 weeks and he broke up with me out of the blue. I was so devastated as I felt like he was the one. I grieved the relationship for about 9 months.

1. Aged 22-25 I dated D for 3 years. I fell in love with him but he used to keep me on my toes by pretending other women were after him. Instead of telling him where to go, I put up with it until he eventually cheated on me. He was quite emotionally distant.

1. I dated C again for 3 months. 😱 I broke up with him.

1. I had a few flings with:

E - met at a party, short lived fling, he got back with his ex. F - ONS G - I approached him, he had a girlfriend so nothing happened. He broke up with girlfriend and we had a fling.

1. I met my husband H, aged 28. He broke up with me after a year as he felt things were moving too quickly. Got back together at my pushing. 2 years later we were living together and had problems. He had several snogs and a ONS. I begged to work things out. A few years later we got married and had 2 kids. Sex life always a problem. Counselling not helped. He is also an emotionally distant person.

10. During the marriage I had a series of crushes on unobtainable men: Before kids... I - our married builder (never told him) J - a married colleague (I told him by email after he left the company). He wasn’t interested. K - another colleague who was single. I made it obvious that I was interested in him. He wasn’t interested. After kids... L - first crush in 5 years since kids. This one is huge. He feels the same way but doesn’t want anything to happen. I tell husband that I’m unhappy. We have counselling. Doesn’t help. L and me are friends. It’s killing me because I have such strong feelings for L yet he seems to be able to shut that side down.

DH and I trying to work things out.

If you have got this far, what’s going on with me? Do I have low self esteem? Is there a pattern here? I just want to be happy.

I think that I’m attractive, I have a great job, I’m solvent, I’m healthy. I love my kids.

What do I need to do?

If this is a self esteem problem then how do I boost it?

Thanks so much for reading.

Sunshine93 yes L is worth it but it would never happen because he’s a good person and isn’t driven by passion. He is perfectly settled and has no need to put a rocket under his life, whatever he feels about me.

ashtrayheart thanks I will do.

Are you scared of being alone, if so why?
No I’m not particularly scared of being alone. I love my own company, sometimes a bit too much.
I’m scared of hurting my DH and my kids for no good reason. I’m scared that I will really miss my kids EOW for no good reason.
I’m scared to give up my perfectly nice life in exchange for the chance of a fulfilling relationship that might never happen.

I’m scared of hurting my DH and my kids for no good reason.

Then choose your DH and DC and stop trying to get with married men. Id your happiness not a good reason? Either you stay miserable with DH or you split up and give yourself a chance.

Are you just waiting for people to tell you to go for L no matter what? Looks like.
You don't have a self esteem issues. You have attention need issues

If I wanted to go for L I would. I’m not a masochist and don’t want to risk him turning around and laughing in my face or him saying we have to go NC if it is verbalised.

The reason I posted was to see if anyone could help me see what is going on and why I have these feelings outside of my marriage. And ways to move forwards without ruining my life and that of my kids.

OP was your dad abusive and/or distant/dismissive of your mum/you? Was his cheating the cause of their divorce?

It seems to me that somehow your relationship modelling is messed up and unfortunately you will be passing on this warped model of expectations to your DCs.

L doesn't actually sound like much of a catch from your description of him, evenmoreso if he does indeed have any feelings for you whilst married. However, I suspect that he sees you as an easy confidence boost if he needs it.

I don't think that you will ever find happiness in your current model of the ideal relationship, as neither you, nor the people you fall for, are currently emotionally settled enough to achieve true happiness. It is similar to a dog chasing their tail and pinning all of their Hope's on catching this elusive thing.

You aren't seeking an equal adult relationship, what you are seeking, it seems, is a co-dependant relationship.

Unlike others here, I dont think that you need to leave DH right now. But you do need to stop inviting contact with L outside of necessary work commitments. You also need to seek psychotherapy, just you.

Sorry if it isn't what you want to hear, but you need to stop trying to run away and face you demons.

OP was your dad abusive and/or distant/dismissive of your mum/you? Was his cheating the cause of their divorce?

No my Dad is a very gentle person. He was away a lot when I was 2-4. He was a very hands on Dad when he was there and before 2 and after 4. We’re very close. He isn’t a lovey dovey type. He’s never told me that he loves me but I know that he loves me deeply.

Mum and he had bad communication. She never really loved him and married him to escape abuse at home. She has very low self esteem. She was quite controlling when I was a child and was difficult to manage but we’re very close and have a healthy relationship.

I never saw my parents act lovingly towards each other. No hand holding or kissing or anything. They split when I was 10 after my Mum had an affair. She went on to have 2 other affairs as a single woman. She was single from about aged 50 from choice, mainly due to her low self esteem. She thinks she’s unattractive.

I suspect that he sees you as an easy confidence boost if he needs it. Yes I suspect so.

Sorry if it isn't what you want to hear, but you need to stop trying to run away and face you demons. Thank you. I know that you’re right.

You need to think very carefully about what it is you actually want.

Write it down.

Make lists (I like a list!)

I think this makes things clearer.

You need to differentiate between actual life and imagined life. You need to make your actual life work for you and those you love. So write it all down, and work out what's real and important what's just the fluff in your head.

And then go for those goals.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe I really appreciate your advice. I feel like you have taken the time to really get what I’m saying and asking. Thank you.

What do I really want?

I really want to be with L or hopefully there is another L out there somewhere. I want to have a mutually fulfilling relationship with him with sex and emotional intimacy. I want to be with him but without hurting my DH. I don’t want to damage my kids.

You need individual counselling rather than relationship counselling. You need to work out what you really want from life, away from your H. You shouldn’t stay in a dead marriage just for stability and a bigger house but you need counselling to prepare yourself to leave. It won’t be 50/50 surely if your H works away a lot? It also sounds like your parents didn’t exactly show you a healthy way to do relationships. Your Dad didn’t really show affection, your Mum was effectively ‘rescued’ by your Dad, it almost sounds like you’re looking to be ‘rescued’ yourself by your crushes, especially L (who does not sound like a catch to be honest!).

Honestly you sound like a relative of mine. She cheated on her H numerous times, justified it by saying he was always working (her DS said ‘Well yeah, as fast as he could earn it she was spending it!). She eventually left him for a married man with young kids, so breaking up two marriages. She’s still not truly happy.

It definitely doesn’t come across that you have low self-esteem. You seem quite confident that you’re right about everything! Get some counselling. Unpick your childhood and your current relationships before making any decisions.

I agree with pp. You need counselling.

L isnt interested in anything above having his ego inflated. That's it.

Tbh, whole your dh actually cheated, the only reason you havent is because the men you tried to cheat with said no. Asking for a divorce one day, then trying to crack on with someone else is extremely poor behaviour.

I dont see how you are any better than dh on the cheating front.

OP, you are being quite honest to yourself about everything but also sound bit detached from it all, perhaps this is because you have had relationship counselling and have learned to dissect your behaviour.

I certainly don't get the impression that you have low self-esteem. You also sound fairly well educated, what is your profession if you don't mind me asking arm chair psychology alert.

I have a few thoughts:

One possibility is that you are reenacting your mums cheating and looking for love outside of the marriage type of behaviour. This may be due to your childhood or possibly due to inherited characteristics or a combo of these.

Another possibility, which could also be related to my first point, is that you crave the feeling of being in love. This can be a bit like an addition and the feeling will never survive in any relationship at all. All relationships move on from this unless they unstable. You will have to face the ordinary, sometimes boring relationship status eventually in any relationship.

I do find it very inappropriate that you are staying in contact with L 'as friends' even though you want more. Is L married? It's really not fair towards your poor dh and, to me, the clearest indicator that you are looking to repeat history as you remoter cheated on your lovely father.

You say your dh is emotionally not always available? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

How old are your dc?

If you did have an affair with L and then leave and pursue a relationship (or with anyone else), your children will be far more damaged than if you split with your DH, stay single for a while and then potentially pursue a relationship. Trust me, my mum did it to us.
I suspect she would have sounded just like you if she had written this post 20 years ago. She eventually did find ‘the one’ (or so she thought) and left. Turns out it was just a fantasy, an ‘escape’. They married and then divorced. She’s now on her own with very bitter children!
Far from low self esteem, I think it sounds like you have extremely high self esteem.

@SpectacularSam you keep mentioning that you don't want to hurt your DH but what about L's wife? Don't you care that you'll be breaking apart his marriage and hurting his wife if L was to pursue you?

How did your father react/feel when your mother had an affair and left him?

You do sound rather detached like a previous poster said. I don't think you have a self esteem issue but I do think you haven't emotionally matured at all since being a teenager (not meaning it to sound nasty).

What's the longest you've stayed single?

Since I was 19, the longest that I have been single is 2 years.

Get some counselling. Unpick your childhood and your current relationships before making any decisions. Good idea.

L isnt interested in anything above having his ego inflated. That's it.
I suspect you’re right.

what is your profession if you don't mind me asking
I don’t want to say in case it’s identifying but it’s similar to being in the police.

Another possibility, which could also be related to my first point, is that you crave the feeling of being in love. I think this is true, especially because I haven’t experienced that mutual love feeling nor a mutual infatuation that you get at the beginning of a relationship.

Does [your DH] have any redeeming qualities?
Yes, he’s very intelligent, a great Dad, he’s a feminist. He works hard. He’s generous with money. He is attractive.

Don't you care that you'll be breaking apart his marriage and hurting his wife if L was to pursue you?
L isn’t going to pursue me. He has made it clear that even if he was very attracted to me that he wouldn’t act on it.