Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about ASD daughter moving abroad to live with boy she met once?

157 replies

WorriedSENMum · 31/07/2019 11:07

Name changed for this, which I originally posted on SEN board but got little response, so I thought I would come on here. Be kind to me please? I am feeling fragile. DD is 20 & dx ASD. She is so-called high functioning, very academically intelligent but socially inept, severe anxiety which she is on medication for. Never had a boy or girlfriend. (DH & I thought she was Asexual) No friends in real life. A couple of weeks ago she dropped a bombshell that she has a boyfriend who she has been talking to for 2 years & is moving out to live with him in central Europe at a place 3 hours drive from the airport. This boy is 17 & lives with his mum, who apparently owns a beauty shop (that DD, who is a MUA, will work in) & 2 or 3 houses & a flat. I can see to her how it all sounds wonderful & we really hope things are as they have been described & she will be happy, but our imaginations are working overtime & we are petrified!

We told DD we need to meet him first & he is coming over TODAY, Shock with a return ticket for 4 days later. DD has bought a one-way ticket to go back with him! We are out of our minds with worry! Any ideas? She was staying at her dads house until a couple of days ago as I had insisted she go over & tell him, but she chickened out & eventually told him by text, to which he responded "we will speak tomorrow" but is yet to call her. Angry I am furious at his lack of concern! Her younger sister, who also knows the boy, is unimpressed & decided to stay at their dads. I am heartbroken about the whole situation & so so worried for DD. Sad Not sure what advice anyone can offer really, given she is technically an adult, (but with a mental age of about 14) & not involved with any services at all. Sad

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 31/07/2019 11:10

Shit, is it possible to go with her to see the place?

ThePhoenixRises · 31/07/2019 11:22

Are you sure her passport has not gone missing.

Can you contact the other parent and just clarify they know what's going on?

Original poster
WorriedSENMum · 31/07/2019 11:22

The place is 3 hours drive from the airport apparently. The mother is going to meet them from the airport & drive them back. DH has luckily managed to get his passport through pretty quickly & we will play things by ear when we meet him. I was fully expecting my ex to explode & that I would end up going over with him, but I haven't heard a thing from him. He never ceases to amaze me! Shock

OP posts:
spam390 · 31/07/2019 11:24

As you've said, she's an adult, so you'll have to tread carefully so you don't alienate her.

Will the boyfriend be staying with you while he visits ? If so, use this time to get to know him and find out what you can about him, his life, is he still in school etc

Can you suggest booking a flight and going with her ?( say you'd love to meet his mom etc and could do with a short break)

Although she's high functioning she may still be naive, but that doesn't necessarily mean she isn't able to judge things for herself. I guess at 20 we were all quite naive about potential dangers etc.

I'd just ensure she knows she can always come home or call for help to do so if things don't work out as she thinks they will. (with no ' I told you so' and no judgement). It's easier now to keep in touch with face time etc, just make sure she knows you're supportive and will always be there when she needs you. Try not to let your worry overshadow her excitement.

Original poster
WorriedSENMum · 31/07/2019 11:24

We intend to make contact with the mother when he is here, but apparently, her English is not good. Hadn't thought of losing the passport. I bet she has that very securely hidden though.

OP posts:
Hairyheadphones · 31/07/2019 11:26

Can you go over with her for a few days so you can see what her living situation will really be and talk to the boys mum?

Original poster
WorriedSENMum · 31/07/2019 11:29

That is exactly what we are doing spam. Its hard though. Sad We will definitely be wanting to go out there soon too.

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 31/07/2019 11:30

^^What spam says

Also , please sit her down and have a serious conversation about sex, consent and contraception with her if you haven't already (hopefully you have but you said you thought she was asexual so maybe haven't done). Her situation would be infinitely complicated if she had a child there and then wanted to return to the UK.

Check she has adequate healthcare provision and also talk about what may happen after Brexit regarding her right to remain.

Finally, try not to worry too much. Going and living abroad is not an irreversible move. Just be sure to keep the lines of communication open.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 31/07/2019 11:32

Not sure what advice anyone can offer really, given she is technically an adult, (but with a mental age of about 14) & not involved with any services at all

You need to call social services, adult safeguarding she is vulnerable.

Zebraaa · 31/07/2019 11:38

I understand your concerns and if it was my sister I was also be worried (and she has no SN’s.)

However I think you speak about her quite negatively “no friends” “asexual” “socially inept”. Maybe she has another side to her personality she wants to follow but you don’t appear to like?

SeaEagle21 · 31/07/2019 11:46

I'd be booking a ticket to go back with them and meet his mother. Even if she has poor English you should be able to get an idea of the situation there.

One good thing is that they'll be living with his mother - so not entirely on their own. And make sure she is able to keep in contact with you on a regular basis.

At best, this might work out fine. And at worst it will fall in a heap and she'll come home. Either way it's not the end of the world.

Original poster
WorriedSENMum · 31/07/2019 12:50

DH has done the whole sex & contraception convo with her a few days ago. She talks to him more than me. Apparently I always make everything worse. I'm so awful, ferrying her around, doing everything for her etc. Done more than I should have & haven't helped the situation really, but I come from a very different home life than her & wanted better for my kids so did perhaps too much because I know what its like growing up with, undiagnosed social communication difficulties & no support. This made me tough & super aware of my own DC's difficulties.

Sadly social services would not be interested in this. You'd like to hope they would, but they don't offer any support for ASD in our area. I have a younger DD I tried to get some support for a couple of years ago & we were involved briefly with their spin-off service MASH, who promised the earth & then disappeared in a puff of smoke leaving things in a worse state than before! Angry

I can see why you may think I speak negatively of her Zebraaa. I speak of very real social communication difficulties, not my personal view. I personally do not view my daughter negatively, I think the world of her, but I do worry about the ASD traits which make her vulnerable in the world.

OP posts:
QualCheckBot · 31/07/2019 13:01

This sounds like a nightmare in the making. Why on earth are they so keen to get her over there? Can you find out the name of the shop and find anything out about it? I think this is serious enough to ask if your local police community officer could have a quiet word of advice for all of you. Either that, or confiscate her passport or speak to the airline about your concerns so she is stopped at the airport.

Original poster
WorriedSENMum · 31/07/2019 13:11

I know where the shop is & I have found the mother on Facebook. DD showed me her. Will definitely be wanting some kind of communication with her before they leave. I find all this so hard though as I have ADHD (& probably ASD too) myself. DH is very good though. He is great at talking to people. He is used to it having married into a family of autistics lol, bless him. The important thing is keeping them both on side so I don't lose her. I just wish none of this was happening.

On the one hand I am very happy that she has found someone. I think the push to go now is probably Brexit related tbh. She said after we explained our concerns that she will come back after a few weeks, but the fact she has bought a single ticket doesn't fill us with confidence. I guess she can't make firm arrangements when she needs the mother to help her return to the airport & doesn't know her work schedule? Flights are pretty cheap too so this is a possibility.

OP posts:
ineedaknittedhat · 31/07/2019 13:17

I'd be worried that she's going to be trafficked tbh. There is no way of verifying that these people are genuine.

Knitwit99 · 31/07/2019 13:23

I would be really worried too. I hope everything works out, or if it doesn't she comes home.

QualCheckBot · 31/07/2019 13:25

I'd be worried that she's going to be trafficked tbh. There is no way of verifying that these people are genuine.

Yes, absolutely. Or used as a modern day slave. Or both. Sorry OP but I think she's terribly at risk and you should contact the police with your concerns. If its all innocent, it won't cause any harm.

The 17 year old "boyfriend", who presumably started contact 2 years ago at 15, is odd, as well as the involvement of the mother. It all sounds like some tried and tested method to get someone over there working for them for nothing.

ohcanada · 31/07/2019 13:30

Suddenly leaving in a matter of days/weeks when you have just found out she has a boyfriend in the first place is worrying indeed, never mind her vulnerability. I could have never done that to my family (although I did leave the country to live with my boyfriend, now husband, at a similar age), after 6 months notice and a lot of preparation!

First thing - is she aware of just how much of a nightmare the paperwork is, even for a British Citizen? Has she prepared at all?

Patroclus · 31/07/2019 13:31

Is it the Balkans?

ohcanada · 31/07/2019 13:32

Wow I just read the boy is 17!!! Not even a proper adult by law. This is going to be an extremely difficult transition for her even it is all as promised. Even the best 17 year old boys will struggle to provide the support and knowledge that she will need to set up in a new country.

JuneSpoon · 31/07/2019 13:36

I'm thinking trafficking as well. You're right to be concerned OP

PotteringAlong · 31/07/2019 13:39

I agree. Contact the police about trafficking.

IsobelRae23 · 31/07/2019 13:42

No disrespect but are this family aware your daughter has ASD? It’s difficult enough communicating in a language you don’t know, without additional barriers- and I mean that for both parties.

Nameusernameuser · 31/07/2019 13:43

Was he 15 when she was 18? This is absolutely a safeguarding risk, there must be someone who can help! I'd be reporting to adult social services whether they deal with ASD anyway. I'm worried for you and your DD OP!

tenredthings · 31/07/2019 13:44

There's no way I'd let my daughter go without me accompanying her in that situation.

Swipe left for the next trending thread