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Original poster

To worry about ASD daughter moving abroad to live with boy she met once?

157 replies

WorriedSENMum · 31/07/2019 11:07

Name changed for this, which I originally posted on SEN board but got little response, so I thought I would come on here. Be kind to me please? I am feeling fragile. DD is 20 & dx ASD. She is so-called high functioning, very academically intelligent but socially inept, severe anxiety which she is on medication for. Never had a boy or girlfriend. (DH & I thought she was Asexual) No friends in real life. A couple of weeks ago she dropped a bombshell that she has a boyfriend who she has been talking to for 2 years & is moving out to live with him in central Europe at a place 3 hours drive from the airport. This boy is 17 & lives with his mum, who apparently owns a beauty shop (that DD, who is a MUA, will work in) & 2 or 3 houses & a flat. I can see to her how it all sounds wonderful & we really hope things are as they have been described & she will be happy, but our imaginations are working overtime & we are petrified!

We told DD we need to meet him first & he is coming over TODAY, Shock with a return ticket for 4 days later. DD has bought a one-way ticket to go back with him! We are out of our minds with worry! Any ideas? She was staying at her dads house until a couple of days ago as I had insisted she go over & tell him, but she chickened out & eventually told him by text, to which he responded "we will speak tomorrow" but is yet to call her. Angry I am furious at his lack of concern! Her younger sister, who also knows the boy, is unimpressed & decided to stay at their dads. I am heartbroken about the whole situation & so so worried for DD. Sad Not sure what advice anyone can offer really, given she is technically an adult, (but with a mental age of about 14) & not involved with any services at all. Sad

OP posts:
plantwhisperer · 31/07/2019 13:49

You'd be mad to let her go OP, I don't care if she's 'legally an adult', she's a vulnerable adult with extra difficulties and I 100% am thinking trafficking too at this point.

2 options- either you & DH go with her (incase you get into trouble, less likely to happen with DH there!) or you go straight to the police/social services.

Good luck.

Bunglefromrainbow · 31/07/2019 13:56

Just make sure that you get full details of who she is travelling with (passport copies, home address etc) and make sure that she can easily get into contact with you and has access to emergency money. Agree to be regularly in touch.

I'm sure she'll be fine.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 13:56

Why aren't you arranging to go with her and stay a week or so so she has a fall back and you can judge yourself?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2019 13:59

The red flags are waving. There is no bloody way I would allow her to go, and I don't care what I'd have to do to stop it. Fuck the fact she's an "adult" due to age, she is extremely vulnerable and no one has any idea what she's getting herself into. Nothing about this move makes sense on either side. Why would this boy's mother allow a young woman they barely know to move into their home? Something is very, very wrong here.

stucknoue · 31/07/2019 14:00

Check the actual age of the boy obviously but also talk to your dd about modern day slavery etc - asd doesn't affect their ability to understand, my dd is acutely aware of the bad things in the world (it scares her so she won't leave home). As sudden as it is, it could be just as it seems, odd but genuine - did she say how she met him, my dd makes friends online gaming and through music forums.

makingmammaries · 31/07/2019 14:03

Are you able to tell us the country, OP? Or PM me? Central and Eastern Europe are well known to me through both work and family and not all countries are the same. Some are really iffy, others less so.

pasturesgreen · 31/07/2019 14:17

Will she even be able to work legally in the country she's going to? Does she speak the language at all?

OP, you need to contact the boy's mother and have a serious discussion. Just the fact you found her on Facebook wouldn't feel me with confidence, tbh: anyone could have set up that profile.

You also say she'll be reliant on this woman for moving around and, potentially, be driven back to the airport. Is there no form of public transport to the airport from where this family lives? That would also worry me

ImNotYourGranny · 31/07/2019 14:17

I really feel for you OP. My DD was the same, ASD, emotionally much younger than 21, in love with a bloke from Romania who she'd never met, and off to Romania to stay with him. In our case she came home a few weeks later, pissed off that he'd used her bank card without her permission and spent all her money. Thankfully she never did it again.

The reality is that there's not a lot you can do, beyond talking to her. But I understand your concern. I nearly had a breakdown over the worry.

BlankTimes · 31/07/2019 14:21

They are going to an awful lot of effort to get her to go there, that's a red flag in itself.

For instance, does she speak their language fluently?
How much English is spoken by their local community?
How are single foreign women treated over there?

Practically, how would she find adequate help if they take her phone and passport off her when she arrives?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2019 14:21

As far as knowing their address, names, etc, that's all irrelevant. This boy, if he even is 17, can tell you anything they want, but that doesn't make it true. They could take her passport, phone, and force her to cut off communication with you. She would be trapped.

ThePhoenixRises · 31/07/2019 14:28

Google everything about the mother, google her name, her business, check as many official things as you can.

I would still be looking for the passport to go missing.

MoltoAgitato · 31/07/2019 14:34

If you've got a picture of the people, reverse image search to see if it's attached to any other names. More red flags than a meeting of the Communist party.

pasturesgreen · 31/07/2019 14:42

Realistically, will she need any qualifications or licensing to be able to work as a MUA there? I can't see the job lasting very long if she doesn't speak at least some of the language and is therefore unable to understand what the customers want. Does the salon even exist?

It seems to me that this has grooming written all over.

cakeandchampagne · 31/07/2019 14:49

This doesn’t sound right. It sounds dangerous.
A secret supposed “relationship” that suddenly requires her to move far away & (potentially) completely out of contact with you?
I would talk to the police. And do whatever I could to try to stop her.

Gladiolus45 · 31/07/2019 15:03

I agree, it sounds like a high risk of trafficking to me. The beauty industry is one of the businesses most likely to be involved in trafficking. Who is to say the mother is actually the mother of the boy you meet, or that your DD will not be moved on somewhere else shortly after arriving.

However hard it is I think you need to block this move.

campion · 31/07/2019 15:20

All of this sounds like a pack of lies. There's another motive here- at best draining her (and possibly your) bank account. At worst,trafficking and her disappearance.

You need to report this as a vulnerable adult in need of safeguarding to both adult social services and the police. Yes, social services provision for adults with asd is often crop but they do usually act when there's an obvious duty of care situation. As in your case.

And you need to spell it out to your daughter the potential danger she's putting herself in.

campion · 31/07/2019 15:22

*crap (even!)

TheTrollFairy · 31/07/2019 15:24

I would be finding her passport if I were you.
Modern day slavery is a big thing. All it takes is getting her out of the country and taking her passport and she’s then in debt to them (through living with them and her working for them too).
If it was genuine then I don’t know why the need to get away? Even with Brexit looming there is still time to make a few trips out there if needs be before she goes over there.

You have said she needs the mums help if she were to visit you, what happens if there is a falling out and the mum is unwilling to help? Will your DD know what to do?

PrincessPeachy23 · 31/07/2019 15:26

Definitely agree you should go with her to check out the situation and where she will be living/working. Such a worry with the possibility of trafficking. Has the boyfriend arrived yet?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 31/07/2019 15:30

I personally do not view my daughter negatively, I think the world of her, but I do worry about the ASD traits which make her vulnerable in the world

Fwiw that's how it came across to me.

OP I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, my 3 are autistic and the thought of DS1 moving out in a few years scares the shit out of me (because of how vulnerable he is and how trusting).

Is going with her for a bit a possibility? To reassure yourself it is what it's being made out to be, and also to see where she'll be.

If not I'd seriously consider losing the passport if you can find it. I know it's sneaky but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Is there any outside agency who's been involved that you could ask for advice? I know SS are shite.

I really really hope the situation gets easier for you and your DD.

lmusic87 · 31/07/2019 15:34

This sounds awful OP, make sure you contact the police and keep a hold of her passport.

choli · 31/07/2019 15:45

On a practical level, assuming that the relationship is genuine, I would look into the age of consent laws in the boyfriend's country. She doesn't want to get into a situation where she can be accused of statutory rape.

BarbariansMum · 31/07/2019 15:48

Great plan Imusic. No consequences for their ongoing relationship at all Hmm. Its also illegal to confiscate another adult's passport btw.

Juells · 31/07/2019 15:49

Have you done a walk-by of the shop on Google?

I was wary of mentioning trafficking, but see that it's already been brought up. I'd be flying out with her to make sure everything was as claimed.

bingbongnoise · 31/07/2019 15:51

OMG @WorriedSENMum this sounds bloody awful. I would be worried sick, even if your young adult DD did NOT have special needs.

I would pull out every trick in the book to put a stop to this. Something is very off with it. This boy has been chatting to her for two years (since he was 15,) and now his family seem mad keen to get this random young woman they don't know, over to their country, and to live with them!!!

And 3 hours away from the pissing airport??? WE live an hour away, and that is about 45 miles. They must be some 130 to 150 miles from the airport! Where the hell do they live?

I would tell social services, and also be tempted to contact the police actually, (especially as she has special needs,) and definitely hide her passport. (Bollocks to it if it's 'illegal' to confiscate someone's passport!) Hmm The welfare of your DD is more important than worrying about shit like that. This sounds sooooo dodgy.

I am so sorry for you. I hope this works out.

Also, to the people who are saying the OP sounds very negative about her DD. I don't think she is; I think she was just trying to illustrate why she is worried about her going! (Although as I said, I would be worried even if she didn't have these issues...) Sad