To worry about ASD daughter moving abroad to live with boy she met once?

[WorriedSENMum]

Name changed for this, which I originally posted on SEN board but got little response, so I thought I would come on here. Be kind to me please? I am feeling fragile. DD is 20 & dx ASD. She is so-called high functioning, very academically intelligent but socially inept, severe anxiety which she is on medication for. Never had a boy or girlfriend. (DH & I thought she was Asexual) No friends in real life. A couple of weeks ago she dropped a bombshell that she has a boyfriend who she has been talking to for 2 years & is moving out to live with him in central Europe at a place 3 hours drive from the airport. This boy is 17 & lives with his mum, who apparently owns a beauty shop (that DD, who is a MUA, will work in) & 2 or 3 houses & a flat. I can see to her how it all sounds wonderful & we really hope things are as they have been described & she will be happy, but our imaginations are working overtime & we are petrified!

We told DD we need to meet him first & he is coming over TODAY, with a return ticket for 4 days later. DD has bought a one-way ticket to go back with him! We are out of our minds with worry! Any ideas? She was staying at her dads house until a couple of days ago as I had insisted she go over & tell him, but she chickened out & eventually told him by text, to which he responded "we will speak tomorrow" but is yet to call her. I am furious at his lack of concern! Her younger sister, who also knows the boy, is unimpressed & decided to stay at their dads. I am heartbroken about the whole situation & so so worried for DD. Not sure what advice anyone can offer really, given she is technically an adult, (but with a mental age of about 14) & not involved with any services at all.

Hi OP. Couldn't you accompany her on this first trip, just to reassure yourself that everything is above board? You know nothing about these people after all. It could be a grown man posing as a teen! Unlikely, but you never know ...
Of course, your daughter may not want you to come, but that's just tough. How is she financing all of this anyway?
I hope everything works out.

I hope you're all ok OP.

I have been thinking about you since I first saw your thread.

Sorry for the delay. Thanks for all the replies. Apologies if I don't answer everything. The boy has been here a couple of days now. He is very young, but seems sensible enough. Everything he has said & that I have researched seems to check out, but of course you can never be 100% sure. He showed us where he lives in central Europe on the computer & the area surrounding it. The country is not known for being high crime.

They have been talking for about 2 years & met on a server of a computer game. Her sister was also on there. I remember them talking about it. Now I have met him I feel a bit better, but will be easier still once we have had contact with the mother, who does seem to have a legitimate long-standing business with reviews & many linked colleague friends.

The police & social services would do nothing. She knows her own mind & will do what she wants regardless. It would only serve to push her away. I guess I need to trust her judgement that she knows what she is doing, as much as any 20 year old does I suppose. She is capable enough to have had a part-time job, sold lots of things on Ebay, (saved up lots of money) & learned to drive, so is 100% more capable & less of an idiot than I was at her age.

Well, if a potential groomer says everything will be OK then I guess it will be.

Get dh to talk her trhough a list of exit strategies and personal boundary rules, maybe a secret bank account and phone.

@WorriedSENMum I don't want to make you feel worst, but with you not speaking the language, I could literally make myself into a countess in the country I am from, throw in fake facebook and maybe a quickly made wiki page, adopt someone elses businesses and have my co scammer pretend to be The Count and you would never know if it's real or not🤷
It could easily look very real.

A guy made his shed the top restaurant in London on TripAdvisor. It's easy if you know how.

It all sounds incredibly dodgy.

@Yogurtcoveredricecake That one was good 😂
www.google.com/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/12/06/garden-becomes-top-rated-london-restaurant-tripadvisor-site/amp/

And here he shows his foo-d/t
www.google.com/amp/s/www.vice.com/amp/en_uk/article/434gqw/i-made-my-shed-the-top-rated-restaurant-on-tripadvisor

It's very easy to create anything online nowadays

Ah well. I'm sure it will all be fine

Are you going to travel with her to meet his mother and see the accommodation and business for yourself?

I’m really sorry but regardless of whether or not you think there is a real trafficking risk (there totally could be) he own SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD. I can’t see how this is the beginning of a blossoming future. They have just come a bit infatuated with each other, very young, and are making plans they really shouldn’t be thinking about st this age (if this is all genuine). If there is ANYTHING you can do to stop her - can you suggest they spend a year getting to know each other with him flying over to visit, her flying over to visit (perhaps with you saying nearby). Honestly whether this situation is genuine or not, I think it’s madness either way.

Maybe it wont be the beginning of a blossoming future HT45. Maybe it'll be a bit of adventure and a summer fling. And that's fine too, as long as it's not a trafficking scenario - and the chances of that are really pretty slender, esp so if the OP travels over with her dd and says hello.

Sorry HT85

How “capable” do you think she will be if they drug her?

I would call 101 something about this doesn't feel right.

Can you just buy a one-way ticket and go and live and work legally in a random country?

All seems very convenient and alarm bells are definitely ringing.

Within eu you kind of can. All is sorted there. But as pp pointed out it's often not easy to sort all bureaucracy especially if you don't speak the language.
For example, as an eu citizen to come and work and live in UK you need a ticket here and apply for NINo. That's it. You can work. But some countries have it more difficult.

I really think some people on here have over active imaginations or serious catastrophising complex's. Everything is always so extreme. So this women has been grooming OPs DD for two years acting as her son? But has somehow managed to find a fake son to visit the OPs home or he's been in on it for the very long haul and he is her real son?

OP I'm glad the boyfriend has visited and seems ok. So it's the first time they have met in real life ? Wow. One step at a time. Maybe some tracking app in her phone would be a good idea when she goes, but other than that I think she has to learn her own lessons and try things. I'd pay her phone bill, so she doesn't loose contact. I think you sound level headed and it sounds like something a younger me would do !

So many red flags I've lost count! This has got nightmare written all over it. I don't want to suggest though other than she cannot go at all cost!

I saw a YouTube video of a girl that met a European guy in America, her purposely got her pregnant with the intention of trafficking her and the baby. He played the long game and it wasn’t immediately obvious. PLEASE be careful it really doesn’t seem like a wise thing to let her go. She is only 20 if I was with the man I was seeing then my life would be fucking awful. She is making s rash and hormonal driven decision. Does she not get homesick? What if she gets there and had a massive panic attack?

How strange that you allow this OP.

It seems to defy common sense.

Why on earth would a family want a total stranger to go and live with them, unless they are going to either work her in their salon for free and into the ground (and probably not have her pay tax or give her employment rights) or traffic her. Theres not much difference between the two.

Facilitating a UK national to travel abroad so that you can then rape them is also trafficking in English law.

Doesn't have to culminate in selling them for sex, or slavery, can "just" be plain old rape by the person who's encouraged or arranged for them to travel to stay with them.

And being who they say they are, and appearing fine and lovely, do not for a second mean that won't be exactly what happens.

Travelling out for a week to check things out might protect her from being sold on, at least in that week, but it won't protect her from being raped or assaulted or exploited within the household after you leave. Frankly, she could be raped while you were out there.

Being outwardly charming or personable and being a rapist are not mutually exclusive.

Just because people met online are who they say they are does not mean their intentions or character are what they say. It's naive to use that as a measure of safety.

I'd be really worried about this too, but if the other family has plenty of space then the idea of inviting their son's girlfriend to come and stay, giving her room and board in return for helping with the family business doesn't seem that strange to me. My dd coming up 19 and long term over the internet relationships are not at all unusual in her peer group. One of my dd's close friends is autistic and has significant challenges with social interactions (struggled at school, with friendships and family, has self harmed and had stays in hospital) but whilst undoubtedly vulnerable is still an adult and would be absolutely furious if her parents tried to control her. If she set her heart on something and her parents said no I have no doubt that she would do it anyway and I can't imagine that the police or social services would take any action unless there was both some really good evidence that she was walking into extreme danger and also a course of action they could legally take - blocking someone from leaving the country would probably involve going to court.

How strange that you allow this OP.
It's not in the OPs power to allow or disallow what her adult daughter chooses to do.