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AIBU?

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Original poster

To worry about ASD daughter moving abroad to live with boy she met once?

157 replies

WorriedSENMum · 31/07/2019 11:07

Name changed for this, which I originally posted on SEN board but got little response, so I thought I would come on here. Be kind to me please? I am feeling fragile. DD is 20 & dx ASD. She is so-called high functioning, very academically intelligent but socially inept, severe anxiety which she is on medication for. Never had a boy or girlfriend. (DH & I thought she was Asexual) No friends in real life. A couple of weeks ago she dropped a bombshell that she has a boyfriend who she has been talking to for 2 years & is moving out to live with him in central Europe at a place 3 hours drive from the airport. This boy is 17 & lives with his mum, who apparently owns a beauty shop (that DD, who is a MUA, will work in) & 2 or 3 houses & a flat. I can see to her how it all sounds wonderful & we really hope things are as they have been described & she will be happy, but our imaginations are working overtime & we are petrified!

We told DD we need to meet him first & he is coming over TODAY, Shock with a return ticket for 4 days later. DD has bought a one-way ticket to go back with him! We are out of our minds with worry! Any ideas? She was staying at her dads house until a couple of days ago as I had insisted she go over & tell him, but she chickened out & eventually told him by text, to which he responded "we will speak tomorrow" but is yet to call her. Angry I am furious at his lack of concern! Her younger sister, who also knows the boy, is unimpressed & decided to stay at their dads. I am heartbroken about the whole situation & so so worried for DD. Sad Not sure what advice anyone can offer really, given she is technically an adult, (but with a mental age of about 14) & not involved with any services at all. Sad

OP posts:
prettygreenteacup · 31/07/2019 15:54

The first thing I thought when I read your post is that she is being groomed for trafficking, OP. A one way ticket and then having her passport taken off her once they arrive on the continent. This is scary tbh.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2019 15:55

Has he arrived, op?

Ritascornershop · 31/07/2019 15:58

Even if it’s not worse case scenario (& I’d be worried about that), best case scenario she probably doesn’t speak the language, will be in culture shock, and will only have a 17 year old for support. No wonder you’re worried! You sound like a great mum and have had lots of good advice. We’re all hoping this passes quickly.

choli · 31/07/2019 16:00

If the OP "confiscates" (steals) her adult daughter's passport her daughter as an adult can simply report it lost/stolen and get a new one. That really is not a solution to this situation.

Juells · 31/07/2019 16:02

I think the OP has to go with her.

BarbariansMum · 31/07/2019 16:02

Do you think the OP should lock her daughter up too bingbong? To keep her safe - bollocks if it's illegal?

OP I can see why you are worried but, if your dd is vulnerable because of her asd then she'll be vulnerable for years to come. If you want to help safeguard her in this time then fgs dont drive her into the arms of the first guy who comes along by alienating her, forbidding her, tricking her, reporting her to the police and making her feel worthless and controlled. Work with her, talk to her, try and get to know this guy, ensure she's happy for you to accompany her over there and check it out. Keep her talking to and confiding in you. Make sure she knows you'll keep supporting and advising her and that you'll be there for her, even if she sometimes chooses to do stuff you dont agree with.

Cosentyx · 31/07/2019 16:04

I have a son with HFA as well. I'm terrified of his being trafficked or groomed for terrorism. It's a very real thing. Sorry, but I'd contact the police.

Jojobears · 31/07/2019 16:08

I’d do anything you can to stop her going.

Hide her passport. Call police. Whatever.

I usually would tell parents to Butt out of adult offspring business, but I really think she is at risk of trafficking

Vesperia · 31/07/2019 16:09

why don't you just go with her to visit & help her settle in?

bingbongnoise · 31/07/2019 16:11

@BarbariansMum

Do you think the OP should lock her daughter up too bingbong? To keep her safe - bollocks if it's illegal?

I absolutely fucking DO think that would be OK.

I would do anything to protect my children - even if they WERE 20, and especially if they were vulnerable adults.

I feel sad that you wouldn't do the same. Sad

choli · 31/07/2019 16:14

At any rate it might all blow over once she actually meets him. The real life boyfriend may not live up to the online boyfriend.

BarbariansMum · 31/07/2019 16:16

Can I just ask - and this is a genuine question - is there a big "trade" in UK citizens being trafficked to Eastern Europe? I've heard of plenty of cases the other way round (Eastern Europeans/people from SE Asia) being trafficked to the UK, and I've heard several highly distressing cases where vulnerable UK adults are abused, cuckooed or exploited in the UK but I've never heard of widespread (or even any) trafficking in the other direction. Can't see how the economics would work at all.

BarbariansMum · 31/07/2019 16:18

Well let's hope your DC dont make any decisions you dont agree with then bingbing. Or they might just find themselves indefinitely detained for their own good eh?

jamoncrumpet · 31/07/2019 16:21

I have an autistic DS and worry about this sort of scenario when he gets older. They are so vulnerable aren't they?

Juells · 31/07/2019 16:21

Can't see how the economics would work at all.

Sex sells everywhere in the world. Especially if you get women for free.

BowiesJumper · 31/07/2019 16:22

I would absolutely travel with her (with my husband). No question on her going alone at all.

Preggosaurus9 · 31/07/2019 16:28

Can her dad take emergency leave and fly out with her? She might be more receptive to him "interfering". Plus he is male so not to be sexist but he clearly has the advantage over a female chaperone, if there is a risk of trafficking.

BarbariansMum · 31/07/2019 16:29

Of course Juells but there are plenty of vulnerable women (and desperate ones) in Eastern Europe already. Cant see why they'd go to the risk and hassle of importing on a large scale.

The trafficking trade tends to work by promising people a better life in a wealthier country then trapping them.

HugsAreMyDrugs · 31/07/2019 16:30

You need to have a very frank conversation with her.

Cosentyx · 31/07/2019 16:31

Barbarian, you clearly don't have a child with HFA. They are not 'normal' adults and can be very vulnerable.

Juells · 31/07/2019 16:34

Cant see why they'd go to the risk and hassle of importing on a large scale.

But the whole point of trafficking women from Eastern Europe, as I understand it, is that they're not prostitutes. They think they're coming to normal jobs and don't find out otherwise until they're here and their passport has been taken. Not trying to be funny, but do you just assume that all Eastern European women are willing to be prostitutes?

northernknickers · 31/07/2019 16:35

Whilst I would love to believe that this is very much a 'love story', I'm inclined to think cynically and jump more toward 'Romeo Pimping' than 'Romeo and Juliet' in this situation unfortunately. In this day of online pimping of vulnerable women (and men too!), your daughter, sadly, fits the target market here unfortunately OP.

Google, (if you have the stomach!) and protect your daughter! Do not think 'This only happens to other people in other countries'. It happens to people everywhere! My daughter is part of a police unit IN THIS COUNTRY trying to combat just this! It's frankly horrific.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/decsaedmonton.wordpress.com/2018/02/23/the-romeo-game-how-traffickers-build-trust/amp/

Sagradafamiliar · 31/07/2019 16:41

Moving abroad is very stressful and an absolute mindfuck OP, even without the catfish-gone-wrong possibility I'd be very concerned about how she would cope learning a language, figuring out bank accounts, taxes, registering with the social security, gaining the national qualifications, understanding the wage slips and what to do if something seems wrong and how etc ect etc. Ask her to ask the boy to wait a year then move over here and watch him go 'poof!'

Proseccoinamug · 31/07/2019 16:44

Barbarian, you clearly don't have a child with HFA. They are not 'normal' adults and can be very vulnerable

As an adult with HFA I find this insulting. At what point do you allow a person with ASD to make their own decisions, and ones you disagree with?

I have a child with ASD and yes, there are vulnerabilities. I worry about him being taken advantage of in life. But will I imprison him and decide what’s best for him once he is an adult? No.

OP, I would be really worried about any of my children in this situation and would go with them to check out the situation.

Sagradafamiliar · 31/07/2019 16:44

I meant to say, appeal to her rational, highly intelligent side to explain all this to her*