To worry about ASD daughter moving abroad to live with boy she met once?

[WorriedSENMum]

Name changed for this, which I originally posted on SEN board but got little response, so I thought I would come on here. Be kind to me please? I am feeling fragile. DD is 20 & dx ASD. She is so-called high functioning, very academically intelligent but socially inept, severe anxiety which she is on medication for. Never had a boy or girlfriend. (DH & I thought she was Asexual) No friends in real life. A couple of weeks ago she dropped a bombshell that she has a boyfriend who she has been talking to for 2 years & is moving out to live with him in central Europe at a place 3 hours drive from the airport. This boy is 17 & lives with his mum, who apparently owns a beauty shop (that DD, who is a MUA, will work in) & 2 or 3 houses & a flat. I can see to her how it all sounds wonderful & we really hope things are as they have been described & she will be happy, but our imaginations are working overtime & we are petrified!

We told DD we need to meet him first & he is coming over TODAY, with a return ticket for 4 days later. DD has bought a one-way ticket to go back with him! We are out of our minds with worry! Any ideas? She was staying at her dads house until a couple of days ago as I had insisted she go over & tell him, but she chickened out & eventually told him by text, to which he responded "we will speak tomorrow" but is yet to call her. I am furious at his lack of concern! Her younger sister, who also knows the boy, is unimpressed & decided to stay at their dads. I am heartbroken about the whole situation & so so worried for DD. Not sure what advice anyone can offer really, given she is technically an adult, (but with a mental age of about 14) & not involved with any services at all.

This is terrifying. I can't imagine what you ate going through.

I would take her passport too. The risk is too great.

Have the boy to stay with you for a while so you can meet him and then if she really wants to go in a few months' time I would go over there for a week or so and check it all out.

Does anyone believe this "17 year old" will turn up or will a family emergency suddenly mean he can't get the flight but she has a ticket so why not just come over anyway

What kind of mother welcomes a 20 yo woman to live in her home in a foreign country, being the GF of her 17 yo son?

I'd be very concerned that my 15 yo DS was in a LDR with an 18 yo as well tbh.

I understand your worries, my DD is 19 and I would be worried out of my mind.

The whole situation is very alarming. It's worrying how secretive she's been about the whole thing too. They must have planned it for a little while.

I'd be contacting the police to ask for advice. This just does not seem right on so many different levels. Perhaps the police can do some background checks or talk to your daughter about the potential risks.
Even if the boyfriend does turn up you don't know for sure that he is genuine. He may be around just long enough to lure her in.
I'd be absolutely terrified and if she was still intent on going I'd be travelling with her. Make sure they don't disappear and travel at another time without you.

Things like recruiting her as a drugs mule or you receiving a ransom demand to get her home again are also things that come to my mind. Unusual yes, but not impossible.

Would she listen to a pcso , talking to her about the risks and keeping herself safe?

Trafficking was my first thought too.

I’d go to the police.

Yes, it doesn't seem genuine at all. Looking at it from the other mother's point of view - who on earth would encourage that. If your teenage son has been chatting to someone on-line for a couple of years but hadn't even met them, why would you offer them a permanent home and a job rather than just a short holiday? Especially with the pretty obvious language barrier and the difficulties in getting back home if things didn't work out between the couple.

OP, did the boyfriend actually show up yesterday?

Agree , logically how would she be expected to pay her way, is there really demand for her skills or level of experience in such a remote area? Have you double-checked that these people, salon and their address exist and match up.

If she still insists on leaving - scan her passport and email it to yourself in case it gets "lost" , buy an open return ticket, have a password or coded message she can text or email in case of emergency, can she access health services and contraception? Is there a British Consulate in the country, if so give her their contact details, could she reach it by public transport? Police and emergency service numbers. Attach her to find my iphone or similar location app.

This is terrifying. I was so much more naive than my peer group back then. Thinking of you OP.

not RTFT, but WHAAAT?
Move to live abroad on what? What money? Not like she has a job lined up or getting married. Police ASAP!

Can you call mencap for advice, this is vulnerable adult at risk of exploitation. There may be legal avenues mencap know of to block this

I agree with PPs who've said it could be trafficking and you need to report this to the proper authorities.

Nothing constructive to add (helpful I know). I just wanted to say I'd be just as horrified/terrified as you, and most other posters, as my ASD DD is 18 and can be very impulsive/obsessed once an idea has been put to her.

I think you've had some great advice from other posters, about who to contact for advice/support, and hope that you manage to get through to your DD.

Take care

@motherofcats81 I live in Central Europe in Slovakia and even marrying a Slovak won't guarantee you the right to stay if the officials don't believe the marriage to be genuine. They will face a great deal of scrutiny and once she reverts to being 3rd Country National it will be difficult for her to stay anywhere if she hasn't been in the country for a number of years - all of the countries in the EU now have strict processes and offers in place for no deal and they vary from country to country. She will need to be very careful with her paperwork from the immediacy of arriving and actually this is hopefully what would protect her from trafficking or being used. I am not sure that she is being trafficked because there tends to be greater respect for the governments, and therefore citizens, of the western countries but she is a vulnerable adult so it is important that she is supported in this. She must make sure that she registers with the local relevant foreign police department as soon as she arrives - often an arduous process but absolutely necessary especially as this will then give her all of the security that she will require to be safe. Illegal unregistered citizens are very vulnerable in any country.

My feeling is that given that she has involved parents who clearly care and will be watching over her this isn't trafficking or if it is then it will fail. This could well be a love match but I agree that moving abroad to someone she has never or barely met makes this unlikely but surely it is better to support people to make their own mistakes rather than simply say that we know better? People in this part of the world are more traditional in relationships and tend to settle down very much younger than in the UK so this maybe isn't as bonkers as it sounds to us. It is also very easy to paint a picture of life in Central Europe that would make it seem better than her life in the UK especially if she doesn't see herself to have good long term prospects in the UK - the summers here are warm, a lot of people in the ex-soviet bloc countries have inherited apartments and houses or have built their own houses if they don't live in the capitals so a low income isn't necessarily the issue it is in the UK, they are growing economies with modern lifestyles that often surprise visitors from the west and as socialist countries we have healthcare, education and all the trappings of modern life. Life here isn't perfect because there is no perfect place but she may well find that, like a lot of people I know, she is able to build a good life here if she is supported to do it properly and is allowed to admit that she was wrong if it isn't working out for her.

This sounds so so fishy. He has multiple properties and his mum is conveniently a MUA so she can work there. Absolutely no way would I let a friend board a plane in these circumstances let alone my child. Hide passport until you are sure. Your daughter has ASD and you need to protect her in this scenario

Oap I understand your concern. Good luck with keeping her safe. It is so hard with ASD naivete and yearning to belong somewhere.

Important post from @WelshMammaofaSlovak

Even moving within the EU is really difficult. I went through it about 10 years ago and helped a friend with it recently. There's a LOT of paperwork, difficult requests, lots and lots of appointments and it can be very expensive with payments here and there, official translations to be made.

Is her 17 year old boyfriend going to be able to support her with this? I assume she doesn't speak the language, and he's unlikely to know the ins and outs of bureaucracy at that age.

How is everything going OP?

Looking at it from the other mother's point of view - who on earth would encourage that. If your teenage son has been chatting to someone on-line for a couple of years but hadn't even met them, why would you offer them a permanent home and a job rather than just a short holiday? Especially with the pretty obvious language barrier and the difficulties in getting back home if things didn't work out between the couple.

Not to mention the age difference.

Educated young English women carry a premium price in certain sex work environments in the UK, so it's reasonable to assume that they can attract a similar premium in other countries too.

So yes, while the economics of trafficking may mean that primarily the traffic runs the other way - it's not unthinkable that there's a niche market in trafficking for English women, for those who can afford to pay.

It's a really difficult situation OP, I think you and your husband should both go with her if she insists on going.

Did you meet the boyfriend, OP?

@WorriedSENMum any update?

@WorriedSENMum is the boy at your house now?