To worry about ASD daughter moving abroad to live with boy she met once?

[WorriedSENMum]

Name changed for this, which I originally posted on SEN board but got little response, so I thought I would come on here. Be kind to me please? I am feeling fragile. DD is 20 & dx ASD. She is so-called high functioning, very academically intelligent but socially inept, severe anxiety which she is on medication for. Never had a boy or girlfriend. (DH & I thought she was Asexual) No friends in real life. A couple of weeks ago she dropped a bombshell that she has a boyfriend who she has been talking to for 2 years & is moving out to live with him in central Europe at a place 3 hours drive from the airport. This boy is 17 & lives with his mum, who apparently owns a beauty shop (that DD, who is a MUA, will work in) & 2 or 3 houses & a flat. I can see to her how it all sounds wonderful & we really hope things are as they have been described & she will be happy, but our imaginations are working overtime & we are petrified!

We told DD we need to meet him first & he is coming over TODAY, with a return ticket for 4 days later. DD has bought a one-way ticket to go back with him! We are out of our minds with worry! Any ideas? She was staying at her dads house until a couple of days ago as I had insisted she go over & tell him, but she chickened out & eventually told him by text, to which he responded "we will speak tomorrow" but is yet to call her. I am furious at his lack of concern! Her younger sister, who also knows the boy, is unimpressed & decided to stay at their dads. I am heartbroken about the whole situation & so so worried for DD. Not sure what advice anyone can offer really, given she is technically an adult, (but with a mental age of about 14) & not involved with any services at all.

Removing her passport and forcing her to stay in the country, is illegal.

The daughter would be well within her rights to go to the police.

She may have HFA, so have I and so does my son. I can still make my own decisions.

Not supporting or helping her, wi not make this situation better.

Far better to go with her.

OP, how does your other daughter know him?

How did they meet then ? And the boys mum is happy to employ someone she hasn't met or is it a work for free for accommodation?

It sounds like it might not last long. I suppose yes try and be supportive and get involved in meeting them all. Sounds like you are on the case.

Can someone go out with her ? Has she been working here or is this going to be a first job?

Reading this gave me a really bad feeling. Modern slavery/human trafficking is a real thing. It is especially odd that she has only just mentioned him to you, conveniently as she is about to move away. Could it be possible that she hasn't been speaking to him for that long at all, but that he told her to tell you that so you'd be more likely to be okay with it? All sounds very dodgy...

I echo what many other posters are saying - go with her, help her settle in, meet the boy's mother, see for yourself what the work situation is. She's only 20, she's very young to be venturing off to live and work abroad, regardless of anything else. If you can see that everything is above board and the boy and his mum are genuine people who will care for your DD, then that's great. But if anything seems slightly off, in any way whatsoever, get her out of there immediately.

What country is it OP? I think you would get more informed answers if you could tell us.

Has she given her reasons as to why she is going over there? If its just to be with this boy can you suggest that he stays with you for a while instead of the other way round.

If the place is really remote, which it must be if its 3 hours from any airport I'd be worried that she would be uncontactable when over there. I would definitely be going with her to see the situation for myself. Can you discuss with her dad and get him onside?

@northernknickers Thanks for the informative link. You may save someone’s life just by posting it here.

I immediately thought trafficking when I read your OP, sorry to scare you. I think you really must go with her

You may find one of these hotlines useful.
ec.europa.eu/anti-trafficking/citizens-corner-national-hotlines/national-hotlines_en

Make sure you don’t fall out with her and allow all communication to stay open so that if she needs you she knows she can contact you. Given her age I really don’t think you can stop her but I would def be worried x

@cakeandchampagne no problem. I'm hoping that the OP reads it...especially the first part (1) which does sound, to me, like what is happening here.

It amazes me how ill-informed and naive some people appear to be when they read (or are told about) situations such as these. These horrifying activities are happening here, in this country, to our children and young people right now. In really quite startling numbers! As unsavoury as some of you might find it, it's time to wake up to the truth 😢 It's really unbearable to think that one human can do these things to another isn't it?

Admittedly, I might be more 'involved' emotionally when I read a thread like this, because of the incredibly difficult job my daughter does. I hear some of the (obviously anonymous) cases and it is truly heartbreaking and often terrifying.

There really is so much information available though, we are all responsible for being informed. There really is no excuse for not knowing about the dangers that are out there...especially if it's been flagged up more than once to you!

So has she actually met him in person OP? The title suggests so but your post not?

On a purely practical level have you pointed out that with us likely to crash out of the EU in a couple of months she may well find herself unable to stay and work in this country unless she marries this boy?

I do think trafficking sounds like a worry, I'm not sure what PP means by the economics not working, they aren't buying her, a person is a person, if it is an organized thing you don't know what the final destination is either. But also it may not be traditional trafficking but rather an unscrupulous family/mother encouraging this because they'll get a free pair of hands/house help.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

If the country starts with C I could help you translate and have a look if things look legit

I’d be worried too. It’s a stupid idea. Can’t you bribe the lad to stay with you for a while before they go back to where ever it is he lives? That way you could get to know him better and your daughter might find she doesn’t even like him.

I was the person talking about the economics of trafficking so I'll try and explain what I meant.

Traffickers make money from enslaving and exploiting people. In order to do that they need people to exploit and a product to sell (labour, sex etc). The profit they make comes from the difference between the cost of obtaining/keeping people against their will and the income generated from their labour

Most traffickers work by luring people from poorer parts of the world to richer parts of the world with the promise if a better life/chance to earn more money/ chance to send money home to family. They do it in such a way that the victim arrives owing them money - for board/travel expenses/papers etc. Victim is then told they must work to repay the money, often not in the job they'd been promised, w a threat of violence over them/their families if they try to escape or talk to the police. Victim is then stuck being endlessly exploited to pay off a debt that keeps growing.

People put themselves into the hands of traffickers because they offer (or appear to offer ) the chance of a better life. If you come from a poor eastern European country such as Romania or Bulgaria, with very poor employment prospects, a chance to work in western Europe is very attractive.

If you are a trafficker it is much, much easier to lure people from Eastern Europe to the west, then people from Western Europe to the East. You will also make more money in the west from exploiting their labour. If you want to staff a brothel, or a car wash, in Romania you wont make as much as in London, or Birmingham.

And that's why most exploitation flows east to west. And why most trafficked people in the UK are from Eastern Europe. And why most UK citizens who are trafficked are internally trafficked within the UK, not taken abroad.

None of which means that the OP shouldn't be very careful on behalf of her daughter. I was just surprised that so many people's first thought was trafficking. The trafficking of UK citizens abroad wasn't something I've come across, whereas they're are so many cases of UK based trafficking in the news.

I have an adult son aged 20 with asd
I know how hard it is once they have set their mind to something
We had something similar a year a go ..but not moving abroad,just going by train to meet someone of the internet
We got the college involved,they involved the police because he is vulnerable.there was more to it than that ,but you get the picture.
In your shoes I would be doing everything I can to stop her .
Police ,social services,the lot.
I’d be taking the passport as well

Is she not in college? Or planning on uni ? Or a course or part time job..does she not have enough to keep her here ..a part from family obviously

I can’t believe how many comments there are on here saying that “she will be fine”!!!

You do understand that if she gets trafficked, you’ll most likely never see her again?? Please please please do everything within your power to put a stop to this. It’s utter madness and it’s your job to protect your daughter!

Barbarian sadly, it's not unheard of - this wasn't the case I was thinking of (where the young woman was trafficked to Italy) but there's a book here www.amazon.co.uk/Slave-Snatched-Britains-streets-traffickers-ebook/dp/B077K79XJN?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 about a recent case.

I am a gung ho libertarian by MN standards when it comes to young adults: but I would really, really be concerned about this - even without ASD and a mental age of 14 (though surely the latter would be enough to interest law enforcement/social services? Or is this your assessment, OP, rather than a formal diagnosis of her mental age?) - there are so many red flags it's like May Day in Beijing. If I couldn't rationalise the DD out of it, I'd be going too, hiring a car at the airport and driving the lovebirds home so I could reassure myself as much as possible (and check the other mum is aware of what is going on too, assuming this is legit)

@BarbariansMum this is the one www.amazon.co.uk/Trafficked-Terrifying-Story-British-Forced/dp/0007438885?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It might not make as much economic sense as the other way, but it still happens

Does his country have national service ? Perhaps he is thinking of moving to UK to avoid doing service ?

Fcuk the thread is not full of people saying she'll be fine. Just about everybody agrees that the OP has cause to be worried. The only disagreement is around the best way of protecting her dd.

Why not offer him a place to stay here and see what happens? The responses from the ‘boyfriend’ and the boyfriends ‘mum’ will tell you a lot about what’s really going on here because I’m sorry no mother would be making up beds and rolling out the welcome matt for a random 20 year old from abroad to move in with her child and 17 is a child.

The ‘mum’ owns a salon and 2 houses alright and yes your DD will be working in both but not in the way she thinks.

You need to contact social services for advice immediately.

Crikey @Hefzi the story of that girl not only sounds terrifying, but also sounds EXACTLY like the OP's daughter's situation.

@WorriedSENMum PLEASE stop your daughter from going. This has more red flags than a communist parade!!!

@Fcukthisshit

I can’t believe how many comments there are on here saying that “she will be fine”!!!

You do understand that if she gets trafficked, you’ll most likely never see her again?? Please please please do everything within your power to put a stop to this. It’s utter madness and it’s your job to protect your daughter!

This. ^

A young adult with special needs, and who is vulnerable, is a VERY easy target.

The more I think about this, the more I suspect it's trafficking.

You need to contact social services AND the police OP!