DH has taken this too far?

[sallycinnamonn]

DH is really money conscious which is absolutely fine except I really feel as though he's started to take it too far and it's becoming so irritating for me.

He literally flys off the handle if I accidentally leave a switch on when nothings plugged into it, he's constantly monitoring and watching me and others when we use electric to ensure we turn plugs off straight away once finished and if we don't will go on a full blown rant about how we need to save money. If we boil the kettle then forget about it so it goes cold and need to boil it again, it will trigger him so badly.. He also will absolutely not allow the tv to just be on in the background. If I'm watching tv and then look at my phone for even a second he's instantly "TURN THE TV OFF IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT". I am watching it but I literally took my attention away from it for one second, I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk! But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking.. I don't know I just find this really weird! Especially since we're not even in a bad place financially and he seems so possessive over it.

This is where the AIBU part comes in.. he even gets mad at me for buying "unnecessary things" while shopping. I don't see them as unnecessary tbh. For example, meals for myself during the day (stay at home mum) or I spent £1 on some chocolates the other day while shopping and he got so mad about me buying them because we "didn't need them, a waste of money". He only wants me to buy meals for us which I really don't get because we can afford to buy other things, especially when they're only £1..

But anyway, he is like this 24/7 yet will spend £400+ a month on Uber's to work.. now that we absolutely CANT afford. Neither of us drive but he refused to buy a bus pass because they're "too expensive and he would rather walk". They are £600 a year compared to his 400+ a month on Uber's. AIBU to be so frustrated and find his behaviour difficult to live with?

Sorry I mean counselling for yourself. You can’t go for counselling with him because he’s abusive and a reputable counselling service won’t see you together.

My biggest concern is, I own the house, but couldn't possibly maintain it without his financial support, even with more UC

It's called child support. He'll still have to give you money.

I was just wondering if he could have lost his job and perhaps not told you. I think his behaviour is mega unreasonable but if he's suddenly got worse perhaps something has happened and he's struggling?

I am not excusing his behaviour but what i do know is people react odd when bad things happen sometimes...

Get rid of him, apply for child support and get a lodger.

It’s not recommended to go to counselling with an abusive partner.

I would ask him to leave and get a lodger

He's got you well and truly cornered OP. You say you're spending YOUR money. So there is no joint money? How are bills etc split? It sounds financially controlling to me and wholly unhealthy.

@howdyalikemenow the money he earns he pays the bills with as the money I get from UC wouldn't cover it. Our UC claim is a joint claim so technically it's his money too but we decided together it would be my money to spend however I chose, as well as deciding food shopping would come out of my money too.

Telling you it's not that serious? Ummm that sounds like gaslighting to me.
My ex absolutely exploded at me on the day of my best friend's funeral because I asked him for support. He then insisted that he wasn't being that bad, and that it was my fault for being clingy and sensitive.
He's just shutting you up and trying to get you to accept his treatment of you. Please, please don't

How old are you both? You said you dropped out of uni to be a SAHM and care for his and your child, is that right ?

You are being abused, he is financially abusing you. It will damage you and your child if you stay. Choose your child above any type of relationship you have with this abuser.

When my other half gets bouts of depression, it manifests itself as obsessing over money and using electricity is a part of that (though not to the extent you describe OP).

It sounds like a manifestation of some kind of anxiety - either way not much fun to live with for you - I'd consider some kind of intervention that helps him to see how unreasonable he is being. Good luck!

Since nothing changes with him it has to be you that makes the change..

Tell him to fuck off, actually say fuck off to him next time he tries.

If he carries on then say you will stop buying chocolates and leaving the tv on when he stops getting Uber's everywhere. End of discussion, refuse to be spoken to like a child.

@M0RVEN yes that's right, we're 22 & 24

I'm going to compile a list of all our expenses and show him how much money is being spent on bills etc compared to how much he is spending on Uber's.. I do believe it could be down to mental health as he was never like this before dd arrived.. I wonder if that could have a part to play in it? Either way I do believe something may have triggered this and a stern conversation is needed, I'll give him an ultimatum. Change or the relationship is over. Wish me luck.

This is about control not money. I would suggest examining other aspects of your life, is he trying to change you? There's people here who automatically say "leave him" but I know life is complicated, could you seek counselling, does he have any indications of mental health issues?

If there's someone you discuss this in real life? Make sure you look after yourself

Your DH is financially abusive and a controlling bully.

Being treated like that would make me miserable. I don't see how you put up with it OP.

Are you planning to go back to complete your course and what are your careers plans ? Because I think you need to get back to work pretty fast, I don’t think you have much of a future together.

How is your husband going to change his work to care for his child once you go back to studying or work ? I assume you agreed this with him before you decided to leave your course ?

Are you legally married ? Do you get on with your family and do they live nearby ?

You’re 22?! My goodness. I thought you were going to say 40-50!! Get out now while you still have most of your life left.

I also think it sounds like compulsive behaviour...he is compulsively being cruel and unreasonable to you

@sallycinnamon. You poor thing.
You say that the house is owned by you, but if you're married then that may no longer be the case. (Unless it's tied up in trust because your parents have bought it for you for example)
Your DH is not a wonderful father if he's disrespectful to a child's mother.
It's more than disrespect actually, it's coercive and abusive behaviour.

do believe it could be down to mental health as he was never like this before dd arrived

Nope. It's not, pregnancy and birth are a huge risk factor for the emergence of DV or escalation of pre-existing abuse. I very much doubt he has MH issues. He's just abusive, that's all.
If you don't use the electricity for a week, survive on dust during the day and do everything he wants, next week it'll be something else.

This might be worth a read, OP. It might be painful but it's better to extricate yourself before it gets harder

www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/recognising-signs-domestic-abuse

Wow, I would literally turn on every single electrical item in the house and start collecting thimbles etc. Whenever he turned one off follow him around turning them on again. When he shouts, turn up the music and say u cant hear him.

But then again I have been there and wont be going back.

Good luck OP X

Marriage Counselling is needed this is so abusive and controlling