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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has taken this too far?

255 replies

sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 10:33

DH is really money conscious which is absolutely fine except I really feel as though he's started to take it too far and it's becoming so irritating for me.

He literally flys off the handle if I accidentally leave a switch on when nothings plugged into it, he's constantly monitoring and watching me and others when we use electric to ensure we turn plugs off straight away once finished and if we don't will go on a full blown rant about how we need to save money. If we boil the kettle then forget about it so it goes cold and need to boil it again, it will trigger him so badly.. He also will absolutely not allow the tv to just be on in the background. If I'm watching tv and then look at my phone for even a second he's instantly "TURN THE TV OFF IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT". I am watching it but I literally took my attention away from it for one second, I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk! But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking.. I don't know I just find this really weird! Especially since we're not even in a bad place financially and he seems so possessive over it.

This is where the AIBU part comes in.. he even gets mad at me for buying "unnecessary things" while shopping. I don't see them as unnecessary tbh. For example, meals for myself during the day (stay at home mum) or I spent £1 on some chocolates the other day while shopping and he got so mad about me buying them because we "didn't need them, a waste of money". He only wants me to buy meals for us which I really don't get because we can afford to buy other things, especially when they're only £1..

But anyway, he is like this 24/7 yet will spend £400+ a month on Uber's to work.. now that we absolutely CANT afford. Neither of us drive but he refused to buy a bus pass because they're "too expensive and he would rather walk". They are £600 a year compared to his 400+ a month on Uber's. AIBU to be so frustrated and find his behaviour difficult to live with?

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 31/07/2019 15:38

So Sally apart from the one poster concerned about the environment, everyone has told you this is a vulnerable position, your H is controlling, and you need to consider your future. You haven't answered anyone who has said that. Over 170 messages give or take.

What do you want to do?

Sorryandstressed · 31/07/2019 15:46

This sounds like my dad. It'll probably get worse I'm afraid op

Sorryandstressed · 31/07/2019 15:50

@purpleartichoke I couldn't agree more. My dad got worse the older I got. I think deep down he had some mental health issues

FishCanFly · 31/07/2019 15:57

He sounds horrible, and yes - abusive.

PookieDo · 31/07/2019 15:58

I don’t want to wade into these posts with a LTB but perhaps some insight?

I do not know your DH but this really struck me as familiar from my own childhood

My DF had very tight control over finances because he was hiding something of his own, his own spending problems (alcohol) and to him it was the obvious answer to change everyone else so he didn’t have to change. He knew deep down it was unreasonable but he needed that control. I think when people either have anxiety or addiction issues they desperately do not want to face up to what is going on internally so they often control everyone else around them. This is NOT an excuse at all. But it was interesting when you said he was actually quite lavish with his own spending, so much so that you cannot actually afford it and he’s quite aware of that. Ergo he has no intention of stopping the Uber but he is finding ways to make it more affordable by controlling what you spend. He does not have to make any changes to his own habits. This is worrying of someone who thinks they are better than you and more deserving even when it is clearly obvious he is being unreasonable. I imagine he is very rigid in other ways too, you are just starting to notice?

My DF would not let us have any lights on until it was actually dark and DM used to burn herself on the iron and cooker all the time because she couldn’t see what she was doing. The electric sockets and telephones and 3 inches of water in the bath were a huge source of stress in our house. He would have a strop every single shopping day every birthday and Christmas about spending, yet he would lavish himself with nice food and goods and going out. I always resented him so much and DM for putting up with it TBH, neither of them came out of this well to me as a child because she didn’t change anything for us either. I wore clothes from a jumble sale and shoes with holes in and was bullied and an angry teen

It will get worse. He will find something else to control, it will be how much hot water you use or how long you take doing things. It will not stop I don’t think unless he admits it’s a problem and he gets help

My DF now is a very lonely yet still controlling manipulative man who no one really wants to get close to

ptumbi · 31/07/2019 16:06

Anyone remember the poster whose partner lost it BigTime when she bought fresh chicken breasts for dinner, rather than got something out of the freezer? Angry And who fined her £1 when she boiled a kettle with too much water in it? Shock I often think of her, unable to spend £1 on chocolates when he was squirrelling it all away for 'their retirement'. Hmm

OP you are being financially abused. No two ways about it.

Leave.

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 31/07/2019 16:07

It’s more like a compulsive obsession. If he’s spending that much on taxis he is clearly not bothered about cost. We cycle mostly he could try that.

Mary1935 · 31/07/2019 16:17

Hi OP reading these replies has your views changed and what are you going to do?

Fleetheart · 31/07/2019 16:19

That sounds a terrible way to live. Does he have any good points? I’m another one who thinks you would be better off without him.

Cosentyx · 31/07/2019 16:26

You'll have even more UC when you leave him. He'll have to pay maintenance, too.

Love how people like Raggedy accuse you of lying about hte price of a bus pass and suggest because you're a SAHM that you eat scraps or sandwich and never go out but somehow the ickle darling cannot get to work on time without a fucking Uber.

Your husband is abusive.

It will NOT get better.

You need to leave him. I'd start making a log of all his unreasonable behaviour because it's financial and emotional abuse, that's a form of domestic violence.

dellacucina · 31/07/2019 16:38

@ptumbi I remember her! Does anyone know what happened with her?

Original poster
sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 16:40

Thanks everyone for the replies. After reading through them all I am still unsure of where to go from here, I no longer am willing to put up with his behaviour or wait for him to change, but will find it difficult to leave, especially for financial reasons. From here I think, as some have suggested, seeking help from a professional and possibly counselling would be the way forward. And for those who have spoke about dd in this situation.. he is very happy to spend money on dd, he will never let her go without and is an amazing father to her. His obsession really is towards bills (electric, gas, food etc).

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/07/2019 16:45

Sorry OP, but you're minimising this/making excuses for him.

You say his obsession is towards bills, but ONLY ON YOURS. Your food. Your spending. Your attention to your phone.

Not on his £400 a month on bloody Ubers.

Please, with the best intentions, wake up.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 31/07/2019 16:47

OP, what if you refuse to turn the TV off for example? Or insist on your £1 chocolate?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/07/2019 16:56

What does he say when you mention the £400 a month on Ubers?

happywifi99 · 31/07/2019 16:58

I grew up with this, watching my dad treat my mum like this. And to an extent, treating me like it too. I think it's fair to say it's left me with some issues, even though it wasn't always directed at me.
It's controlling, it's financial abuse, and it's not ok.

What would happen if you just turned the tv back on? Or calmly watched him fly off the handle and then said something like "please don't speak to me like that, it's extremely disrespectful"?

Original poster
sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 17:00

When I refuse to turn the tv off, he complains but I keep it on or if I say "I am watching it, I only looked at my phone for a second" he'll reply something like "actually watch it then". With regards to the £400+ on Uber's, there has been multiple arguments surrounding it, where I've actually said "I'm not allowed to spend £1 on chocolate, but you're allowed to spend that much on Uber's?" He will apologise and agree he's wrong but will just carry on anyway, which makes me question whether he is just apologising to shut me up. We had the same argument a few weeks ago which caused him to walk to work for a few days but eventually he just reverted back to getting Uber's and wouldn't tell me unless I specifically asked him how he got to work that day.

OP posts:
Original poster
sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 17:03

@happywifi99 we've also had conversations about the way he speaks to me, I'll tell him calmly not to speak to me like that, but he will just tell me it's not that serious

OP posts:
Original poster
sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 17:05

My biggest concern is, I own the house, but couldn't possibly maintain it without his financial support, even with more UC. I think that's why I'm willing to try counselling or something along those lines first.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/07/2019 17:06

he will just tell me it's not that serious

Again, this is his way of just shutting you up for the time being.

If you seriously want to try counselling, you need to sit him down, explain why and get him to take it seriously. I'm just worried that he'll agree to fob you off, attend a few sessions, decide everything is fine and carry on as before.

It's not on and it's not fair.

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 31/07/2019 17:07

It sounds obsessive compulsive to me rather than controlling. Either way, not normal or respectful.

M0RVEN · 31/07/2019 17:08

If he won’t let you spend 50p on electricity , how will he react when you spend £40 a week on a counsellor ?

Bahlindah · 31/07/2019 17:09

I knew a woman who was like your husband. Much improved after counseling. It sounded almost like OCD for her.

PooWillyBumBum · 31/07/2019 17:09

If you split up he would have to pay you maintenance wouldn’t he?

I would seek independent advice as to whether you’d be entitled to benefits until your DC is in nursery.

He sounds awful, begrudging you eating lunch. I’m so sad you can’t see you deserve better.

Original poster
sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 17:09

@M0RVEN that's a good point and not something I'd thought of. I'll have to speak to him and see how he reacts to me bringing it up.

OP posts: