DH being "pushed" out of yet another job

[needahusbandtransplant]

Hi folks. Sorry, this is going to be long but I'm trying to give a full enough backstory so as not to drip feed. But I need to know if I'm being a heartless bitch, or perfectly reasonable.

So DH and I have been together for 16 years and have 4 kids.

His last 2 jobs have been fraught with stress, anxiety and performance improvement issues, with the last one culminating in a payoff to disappear quietly with the promise of a decent reference. This was after several months of him being off sick with stress.

We had anticipated this ending and about a year before, had downsized our property. I wasn't happy about this but I stood by him and, having only 2 kids at that time, this was reasonably easy to do (the downsizing that is). The new house was a bit of a shithole tbh (although in a good area) but after a few months of unemployment he managed to get a new job. Things were looking up, his new colleagues seemed nice and normal and we were able to do up and extend our home and had 2 more kids.

Fast forward 4 years, things have gone tits up at his current job. He's had a couple of run ins with colleagues and people in other depts. they've now decided he's a problem and are now finding "issues" with his work (which has never been an issue till now). So now he's off on the sick again, driving me absolutely bonkers because he's a lazy sod and doesn't actually want to spend his sick leave minding the kids, but is having to, because I refuse to send them to their grans unless their is an actual reason/need to do so.

He had a meeting today with his line manager, and the possibility of a "settlement with a decent reference" was discussed. Dh thinks if he returns to work from sick leave he may be looking at a possible disciplinary and a performance improvement setup.

He has some job apps in the pipeline, but nothing guaranteed.

I'm seriously pissed off! I just feel so fucking hacked off that were even in this situation yet again. Dh thinks I'm being unsympathetic and he should take the settlement. Apparently I'm being unreasonable because I don't seem to care about his mental health! The thing is, logically, I can see the argument for accepting the settlement offer, but it seems I'm married to a man who is so incapable of getting along with work colleagues that eventually he has to be hounded out of every place of work! He doesn't seem to see that he appears to be the problem! I bought all the "I'm being picked on" at the last 2 jobs, but seriously, 3 times?! I work in the same type of organisation, and in my experience, it's very unusual for people in our type of workplace to be "managed out the door", and yet he's managed it 3 times now!

Have you told him this? Suggested he take the settlement and use it for therapy maybe?

Boggles, yes I have certainly said to him that he needs to take a look at himself. He was supposed to be getting some CBT but that's never materialised (his gp suggested this some months ago) in relation to another issue.

It does sound like he’s the common denominator. But if he feels like it’s not his fault that’s very difficult. Totally agree he should be looking after your dc if he’s off work anyway.

I feel your frustration.

To have one toxic workplace is unfortunate and leaving with a settlement could happen to anyone of us.

Having worked with people who hace left multiple jobs in similar circumstances, I tend to find they have a story where they are a perpetual victim. In reality working alongside them they tend to have a mixture of the following traits: be rude, obnoxious, not a team player, undermine colleagues or managers, ignore the most basic requests, rub people up the wrong way, be lazy or incompetent (sometimes I have wondered if it's intentionally incompetent so they can get bullying if they get pulled up for it). They seem adept at going on the sick with stress and then claiming bullying to get a settlement which the employer probabky agrees to because they're more of a liability to remain in the team.

He needs to get a grip in my opinion.

What about if he was a SAHD? If you have 4 DC (including 2 pre schoolers?) it might work out cheaper than childcare costs?

Maybe he needs to consider alternative careers. He could go and see a life coach or careers counsellor?

Of you’re not working could you get a job instead? He’d have to look after the kids then wouldn’t he?

*if

I don't know what area of work he specialised in, but clearly it doesn't agree with him or at least, the people don't. Could he maybe take the settlement and then work through an agency? Coñtract work? Maybe he's one of those people who somehow don't rub along with people, but if he does short term contracts he won't have time to upset them.

Certain industries and job roles can be like this. I work in sales and at certain times in the year, jobs are scrutinised if the numbers we low, therefore I keep my opinions to myself and my head low. It can be cut throat, resilience is important. Someone outside of my industry may not understand this, it’s totally different to anything else.

What industry is your Dh in?

I work FT, and we are extremely lucky to have grandparents around who help us out with the childcare so childcare costs aren't an issue.

We've been all around the houses on the issue of changing career the last time this happened. I genuinely feel that he's not necessarily bad at his job, but his attitude stinks, and that makes people not want to work with him after a period of time.

He is rude, obnoxious and patronising to the people in his private life, so I can well imagine him being so in his work one too.

If you were so worried about your DH keeping a job you downsize why on earth did you decide to have more kids?
Does he have autistic/adhd traits? Sometimes if this is undiagnosed it can cause great problems in sustaining employment
Do you work at all? Would you be able to be the breadwinner?

Hmm, yes. He is the common denominator here.

My father id an arsehole who couldn't hold down a job because he thought he was the authority on fucking everything basically and made himself impossible to work with

For the last 20 years of his working life he started his own service business where he was a one man workforce. Some of the customers woukd not have him in their house after the 1st encounter but he managed to make a living out of it

Anything in that ? Oh, and my mother should have left the bastard but that's not what you asked

He's had a couple of run ins with colleagues and people in other depts. they've now decided he's a problem and are now finding "issues" with his work (which has never been an issue till now). So now he's off on the sick again, driving me absolutely bonkers because he's a lazy sod and doesn't actually want to spend his sick leave minding the kids, but is having to, because I refuse to send them to their grans unless their is an actual reason/need to do so.

He had a meeting today with his line manager, and the possibility of a "settlement with a decent reference" was discussed. Dh thinks if he returns to work from sick leave he may be looking at a possible disciplinary and a performance improvement setup

Your DH is delusional. The settlement and decent reference "was discussed". Yes, probably he proposed it, and they fell off their chairs laughing.

If he's had run ins with colleagues and is off sick, they'll be preparing all the paperwork to part company on the basis of poor performance. If he's been there less than 2 years, it will just be a formality.

Just read your update. Doesn't sound a nice person at all and sounds like you don't actually like him (rightly so)
Is that really what you want for the next however many years?

Ah. Cross posted. You have one just like my father then.

LTB. Ypu don't want to get old with a man like this. Ask my mother. She's had a fucking dog's life with him and now they are living out their dotage with only their hatred and resentment of each other to keep them entertained.

Rude. Obnoxious. Patronising. There you have it. Are the mental health issues for real or do they start when issues at work start?

You and your DC shouldn't have to put up with that type of abuse. Do you call him on it?

Here come the "is he autistic" bollocks....

Madeabooboo - I genuinely thought he'd learned from his experiences at that last job. His old boss there seemed to be particularly picky and narky and I thought he wouldn't be that unlucky a 3rd time surely.

In the current job, he's had the same manager the whole time and he's shown no signs of being overly picky until very recently, and I'm sure it has more to do with dhs personal skills than his actual work.

Well the same facts happening a third time suggest he is the common denominator. If you’re in the same industry the OP will know whether this is a common state of affairs and it clearly isn’t here.

I’d be totally fucked off with him in your shoes. frankly why do you put up with him and (if I may be candid) continued to grow your family recently with someone who is (in your own words), a lazy sod, rude, patronising and obnoxious? Is this what you want?

Well you’ve just answered how it’s happened 3 times then:- it’s how horrible attitude.

Your update says it all.
He is the common denominator and this will become a cycle that's ongoing if you don't put your foot in.

Normally I dislike LTB replies, but I would seriously consider what you're gaining from this relationship.

My husband is very similar. The only option had been self employment. He simply can’t work with others unless he has complete autonomy, and I think a lot of self employed people are similar actually. Just people who can’t handle being told what to do and expect too much reward for an average performance .

I really feel bad for you. If you can see what he's like out of the work environment then it doesn't take a leap to imagine how he's got himself in this situation again and again.

Not being arsey op but was he always like this? I can't see why you would have 4 dc with him if he was. What changed if anything?

I had a sinking feeling when first reading this, but I'm afraid that you have laid that to rest the minute you said that you have realised the issue is him. I'm sorry but I agree - once is bad luck, twice is a tragedy, and three times is taking the proverbial. LolaSmiles has hit the nail on the head - I have also seen a lot of this, and seriously, lightening doesn't strike that many times. At the same time, people who go off with "stress" at the hint of an employer doing something about them really annoy me - there are people who really have something to complain about, really do have anxiety disorders, and get tarred with the same brush and those using it as an excuse to avoid problems of their own making.

And I wouldn't worry too much about his mental health. It seems he's perfectly on the ball when he wants to manipulate you - he's convinced you twice that his employer, colleagues and work are the issue, not him; and he is much happier lying in bed rather than be an adult, or a parent. It certainly may be the case that he needs some help, but I doubt it's with his mental health. It's an easy card to play these days.