DH being "pushed" out of yet another job

[needahusbandtransplant]

Hi folks. Sorry, this is going to be long but I'm trying to give a full enough backstory so as not to drip feed. But I need to know if I'm being a heartless bitch, or perfectly reasonable.

So DH and I have been together for 16 years and have 4 kids.

His last 2 jobs have been fraught with stress, anxiety and performance improvement issues, with the last one culminating in a payoff to disappear quietly with the promise of a decent reference. This was after several months of him being off sick with stress.

We had anticipated this ending and about a year before, had downsized our property. I wasn't happy about this but I stood by him and, having only 2 kids at that time, this was reasonably easy to do (the downsizing that is). The new house was a bit of a shithole tbh (although in a good area) but after a few months of unemployment he managed to get a new job. Things were looking up, his new colleagues seemed nice and normal and we were able to do up and extend our home and had 2 more kids.

Fast forward 4 years, things have gone tits up at his current job. He's had a couple of run ins with colleagues and people in other depts. they've now decided he's a problem and are now finding "issues" with his work (which has never been an issue till now). So now he's off on the sick again, driving me absolutely bonkers because he's a lazy sod and doesn't actually want to spend his sick leave minding the kids, but is having to, because I refuse to send them to their grans unless their is an actual reason/need to do so.

He had a meeting today with his line manager, and the possibility of a "settlement with a decent reference" was discussed. Dh thinks if he returns to work from sick leave he may be looking at a possible disciplinary and a performance improvement setup.

He has some job apps in the pipeline, but nothing guaranteed.

I'm seriously pissed off! I just feel so fucking hacked off that were even in this situation yet again. Dh thinks I'm being unsympathetic and he should take the settlement. Apparently I'm being unreasonable because I don't seem to care about his mental health! The thing is, logically, I can see the argument for accepting the settlement offer, but it seems I'm married to a man who is so incapable of getting along with work colleagues that eventually he has to be hounded out of every place of work! He doesn't seem to see that he appears to be the problem! I bought all the "I'm being picked on" at the last 2 jobs, but seriously, 3 times?! I work in the same type of organisation, and in my experience, it's very unusual for people in our type of workplace to be "managed out the door", and yet he's managed it 3 times now!

You wanted to believe the best of a person you loved and had children with. Don't beat yourself up for it. What's done is done.

If you want a way out of this - from him - there will be ways to make it happen. How do you feel if you imagine your life ten years from now if you stay? And if you don't?

Oh well done cuppy, that post will have really picked the OP right up.

And you bluntness. Ops already started considering how badly she’s been manipulated. I’d say she needs a bit of a handhold rather than a shoeing whilst she considers which of her kids to send back.

He is rude, obnoxious and patronising to the people in his private life, so I can well imagine him being so in his work one too.

This is probably why you're going through all this.

'Team work' and being a 'team player' is just as important to some employers as being good at tasks you've been set.

He needs to address this. Sharpish.

I'm fuckin furious with myself tbh for not wising up sooner!

Ive been an absolute fool, but I can't send the kids back 🤷‍♀️ and I can't wish them away cos they're amazing! He is the fly in my ointment here and the only thing keeping me here is finances.

He's managing to get these jobs well enough, so clearly fully able to manipulate and moderate his behaviour when it suits him.

How long has he been at his job?

I’m another that would be considering my options (he sounds horrid )

I don't know why folks are picking on cuppy. I have the same question, if you think the person you're with is rude obnoxious and patronising why the fuck are you with them? Why have more babies with them? It's a valid question.

And I'd agree with a pp, you have to be a shocker to be managed out with a settlement of most private work places. And if he thinks he's into a work improvement plan, then the op is kidding herself, it's not just his attitude that stinks, he's shit at his job. Companies put up with a lot if you're anywhere close to capable.

Exactly buzz he’s conning people left and right but he can’t keep it up. OP, I urge you to talk to a lawyer; a professional that can really help. Might be the best few quid you ever spent.

He is capable of being charming, not a prick
100% of the time, but enough that it makes me wonder why I've stuck around so long. But then it can take a while for the blinkers to come off can't it. But once they're off it's hard to put them back on.

'He is rude, obnoxious and patronising to the people in his private life' - is he like this with you? If so, why are you with him?

OP doesn’t actually have to make a life long decision to end a marriage with the father of her 4 children after posting on MN for 45 mins @thetimekeeper. Maybe she just wants to talk.

Yes, I agree. That's why I was asking questions to try and figure out what the op was hoping for by posting, rather than telling her what to do. Some people post here to vent, some people post for advice, some people want practical help. I'm not a mind reader.

Please show me where I demanded she get up and leave her husband on my say so right this second.

Do you not ask people questions when you converse or do you just deliver monologues and snarky lectures?

And why are you singling me out to @ me with your pompous little lecture on a thread of people actually telling the op to leave her husband?

No bluntness I posted against you too. Your posts are generally much more constructive to read. Op can’t send kids back. She’s had the scales removed. She needs help now.

Op I think you’d be better off asking MNHQ to switch your thread to relationships. There’ll be talk of getting your ducks lined up in a parade, but also good and practical advice by women that have dealt with manipulating partners.

Eh yes I saw that, tss, sadly for you it was irrelevant to me.you don't need to keep trying to get my attention.

OP, it sounds like he needs personal impact training, which will show him how he appears to other people. We place people in our organisation on these types of courses all the time and it can help.

It seems he’s not a ‘team player’ at home either. Otherwise he’d consider the impact of his job losses on his loved ones and moderate his behaviour accordingly. He sounds selfish, entitled and lazy. Do you want this pattern to keep repeating and do you want this as an example to your children?

Steady on time keeper you’re getting a bit carried away. My post was in response your demand that OP tell us what she wants from us, which seemed quite exasperated and stroppy, although I accept I could’ve easily misread the tone, apologies if so

At the moment, I assume that your DH believes his bad attitude is a 'work issue' Why don't you speak with him, and introduce that this has also become problematic to your relationship. Ask how he expects you to be able to trust and rely on him as a partner when is not behaving with responsibility and maturity at work.

If this behaviour extends into his personal life, as you mentioned, then it's more than a professional issue. He needs to realise that his behaviour is being judged by his wife, his kids, his family and friends as well as his colleagues.

Yes, sounds like he's the problem. If he can get a decent settlement, maybe he should, or they'll go down the capability route and get him out with nothing. Sounds like he really needs a kick up the arse.

Has he got an undiagnosed ASD which is contributing to his behaviour given it's not just at work he's got issues?

Oh look, another one who thinks autism equates to a person being "rude, obnoxious and patronising."
Seriouly, when are people on MN going to stop equating every negative personality trait with being autistic? Do you ever imagine how autistic people feel reading crap like this, how it feels to have your disability equated to rudeness/selfishness and basically just being a horrible human being in general?
I'm not sure I want to know what some of you think autism is.

Without being in the workplace with him you won't know what is actually going on. So when he says he is being picked on (for the third time from a different group of people) I would take his words with a pinch of salt.

When he is eventually shown the door at work he should be looking for a different type of job. Hopefully something that doesn't involve team work. Postman (or mail deliverer) courier etc.

Maybe a drop in pay but hopefully he'd hang onto the job longer. But shucks! No possibility of a nice pay off.

Seriously though rather than just LTB which you don't want to do (a lot of women would have gone already) you have to lay down the law with him.

Give him a list of things that have to be done when you are at work. Insist he pulls his weight. You can't just stay in bed and leave the kids and house to sort itself so he shouldn't. So don't let him.

Send him on a social skills course and tell him that he needs ot face up to being the common factor and deal with it, either through therapy or by learning the superficial art of being pleasant at work.

Just to give an alternative perspective I have left three jobs in less than ideal circumstances.

First I was managed out using competency proceedings by a pair of bullies who were bezzies.
Second I was initially offered a promotion as part of restructure, which got the back up of one of my colleagues so much her bullying (and trying to get management to put me through competency proceedings) meant I had to leave.
Third one I was gotten rid of for failing probation but not before the suicide of one of the directors and the other one being caught spying on me.

All involved agreements regarding non-disclosure from both sides regarding anything negative. This was insisted on by the employer on all occasions btw, never by me. I have never been signed off for stress despite having a history of depression and anxiety going back to adolescence.

So yes, there were some common themes regarding competency, and yes it was weird that I ended up in so many places that were so bonkers and I was the common denominator.

However, with regards to the latter I do think one of my problems has been that I am so used to toxic work places that I am quite bad at seeing them for what they are and this hasn't helped me react appropriately. I think some people with better careers than me would have left places like this sooner and never thought of it again. In fact I know that the people who replaced me in places 1 and 3 didn't last six months. Could something like that be going on OP?

I have also always been the most junior member of staff in all those scenarios, and there is a degree of kick the cat in toxic environments. Is it possible that is what is happening?

My experiences have been so crap that I simply can not relax and perform well in workplaces anymore. My self-confidence over my ability to cope with even quite minor workplace politics and procedures is completely shot. Is this what is going on?

I'm not trying to make excuses for your husband, or indeed myself. I am now successfully self-employed as whether or not I was the problem I can't spend any more time playing the same record and he needs to realise this too.