not to tell strangers where I'm from?

[FishCanFly]

I speak with a pretty unfortunate accent and this always prompts random people to ask where i'm from. Thing is - I don't want to say. I don't mind a friendly conversation, but i don't like giving out personal info to people i don't know. AIBU?

@JoannaCuppa and that's why I said welcome to my world. It was a bit snarky I agree ,but it is my world.

Because no matter where I am or what I do or how much I try, simply by not being British (and even worse once I do say where I'm from,we're all pick pockets or prostitutes ) I'm not quite good enough. Even in "safe" "places" or with people that I should be "safe" with.

Friends,acquaintances,school parents, work colleagues and even some of OH's family.

Strangers? I'm double weary of.

I want her to celebrate her multicultural background and not feel that she doesn't belong

Absolutely! I understand why people may not want to take the risk of negativity, particularly post Brexit which seems to have given all the racist arseholes a weird sense of legitimacy. But if you live in an area for a while, can gather that people are friendly and accepting of difference, and choose not to divulge one's own multiculturalism, that is of course your right, but it is a self-imposed exclusion, rather than the community being exclusionary. If that makes sense?

I think the Black country.
HAHAHAHAHA

So, clearly, there’s ‘Where you from’ general friendly interest and the person can’t place your accent.

And

There’s ‘where are you from’ as you don’t belong and I’m looking for an excuse to hate.

No wonder people are wary of disclosing their background to anyone these days.

Someone i met yesterday asked ‘are your kids foreign?’ They are foreign (to the uk, I’m not) I just told her where they were born/where there df was from. I didn’t think it was a big deal. She was just making conversation and wondering where they got their colouring/features from as they aren’t typically Scottish. No one was offended. DC are very proud of their heritage so were glad to have it discussed

I have a few "gold digger","mail order bride" and "are you a gymnast/really flexible" comments under my belt too.

The thing is... I speak English,even with my kid. I have a house. I pay taxes. I have a job in an English school. I have English friends. I observe English customs. I have English friends. If I'm entirely honest I feel more at home here than I ever did back home and definitely identify more with the mentality and the culture. What more can I do to "integrate".

And then when I moan about the one thing that bugs me (from complete strangers) I get told I just don't get British culture,norms and etiquette. I'm still not good enough. Because I'm fucking forrin so obviously I can't.

No one ever told someone on here moaning about small talk, strangers talking to them, cashiers making chit chat ,interrupting them etc. that they don't "get British social/cultural/normal norms". Never. Why is that?

YourSarcasmIsDripping And that sucks. It shouldn't be like that. Ever.

That doesn't make it right for people to express bigotry towards other UK or Irish cultures, and presume that their form of chatting to people has a negative intent, despite having the culture of those areas explained to them.

It isn't ok to tell the people who live in those areas that they are wrong about what people of that culture do, and to deny their lived experience and explanations of that culture, anymore than I could correct the OP about life in Romania just because I have been there a few times.

To have unshakeable, narrow minded, stereotypes of a person due to their place of origin is wrong. That includes thinking that people in Yorkshire or Ireland who ask where people are from are doing it for racist reasons.

We know that more young black men are viewed as troublemakers by the police for cultural reasons. It is a historical feature of many cultures to avoid making eye contact with someone in a position of power due to giving respect and deference. Historically, this has been viewed by the police as being antagonistic. So massive amounts of training has gone on to explain such cultural differences to avoid police jumping to the wrong conclusions.

The point is - it would be totally out of order, once the police are aware of cultural differences, to ignore that knowledge and judge a young kid to be obstinate when they are not.

The refusal of some posters to accept that there are areas of the UK (and Ireland) where it is the NORM to enquire about accents or origins, and is meant in a wholly positive way, despite being told by residents of those areas (both within and without the UK) is being intolerant of that culture and refusing to acknowledge cultural differences.

To continue to make negative presumptions about the intentions of the person asking, despite the cultural differences being explained, is unfair, bigoted and xenophobic.

Acceptance and understanding should surely go all ways?

I’m American, but also a UK citizen who’s been here 12 years, and I hate being asked where I’m from because no one knows anything about it and there are follow up questions like ‘oh is it near x’(it never is) or they make a joke or comment about Trump which is never anything I want to joke or talk about because he makes me feel physically ill and it’s all just fucking boring.

I didn't read the full thread just you are from an Eastern European country not Poland, I assume people ask as lots of EE where theyre from as IME EzE get sick of the assumption they are all from Poland.

No one likes giving personal info out to strangers. That being said, I hardly think strangers knowing what country you're from would allow for them to put together your personal profile (unless there is more to this story). I'd be more worried about your personal information being online tbh. There's more to work with there.

To add I absolutely love an EE accent. I deal with lots of calls in work from EE customers, it is a very sexy accent on a male or female customers.

@VenusClapTrap - Russia or the USSR as it was then, invaded and took over Romania and made it into a communist satellite state with all that entails - cultural and religious decimation etc. So yes she would be VERY touchy about it, especially if she lived there during that oppressive era. Ouch, can't think of a much worse place to accuse a Romanian of being from (except Hungary ).

@GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap

@JoannaCuppa To continue to make negative presumptions about the intentions of the person asking, despite the cultural differences being explained, is unfair, bigoted and xenophobic.

I believe people explained that the bad experience is the reason they find this question unbearable not that they are bigoted and xenophobic.

And then when I moan about the one thing that bugs me (from complete strangers) I get told I just don't get British culture,norms and etiquette. I'm still not good enough. Because I'm fucking forrin so obviously I can't

That isn't the reason. At least not from me! It's because the thing you are moaning about (in my area at least) would be a sign of acceptance. I don't give two shits where you were born. You are British. That's it. You may be more interesting than Doris down the road who has never left the village in her life, because you plainly have wider horizons and a wider outlook than her - you were born somewhere else and moved here. That takes a person with gumption and a spirit of adventure. Ergo, you would be interesting due to what it says about your personality.

Where you were from might be interesting, may be the dullest place on God's Earth, who knows, but that move from Dullsville, Wherever to here indicates YOU as a person are cool. You have more to add to the conversation than Doris.

I don't care whether you were born here, came here when you we're five (in which case, it's your parents that have balls and are the interesting ones, sorry ), or whether you came here last week. If this is your home and you feel you belong, you are British. That's it!

I cannot imagine what it must be like to live with constant xenophobia and racism. It sounds utterly infuriating and shit. But there are great massive swathes of us who, when we ask about a lovely accent, are NOT thinking "fuck off back to where you came from". (Though if you are from lovely Poland, I might well think, why the hell have you swapped there for here, are you mad? ).

I apologise for any/all inadvertent offence I have given in my own posts today. It is heartbreaking that an attempt to welcome and include is seen by some as the precise opposite, even when asked in a warm and friendly manner (with no knob head racist comments as we wander off). But my upset at that in no way compares to the upset of racism experienced by some on here.

I am just asking: do we absolutely have to change who some of us, in some areas are? Or can we explain and that be ok?

And to anyone who has experienced racism and xenophobia, most people I know DO want to learn because inside, we want to include, even if language or questions are clumsy.

I believe people explained that the bad experience is the reason they find this question unbearable not that they are bigoted and xenophobic

I have been mugged twice by different black guys in London. I refuse to even countenance the suggestion that my negative experiences should make me believe that all people from that area have the same intent.

Why so defensive? People are only being friendly I assume?

*all Black people from the same area

Sorry. Missing word!

@JoannaCuppa your first two paragraphs did make me giggle.

Whoa!! I'm from Dudley 😂 and I completely agree with you 🤣

@JoannaCuppa
I have been mugged twice by different black guys in London. I refuse to even countenance the suggestion that my negative experiences should make me believe that all people from that area have

I am sorry to hear that you were mugged. I do not believe that all people have ill-intention asking that question. However, in the resent days it brings more unwanted conversations from ’lovely people’. For example, a nice elderly woman on the bus stop ’When are you moving back?’ following that unpleasant question and not accepting that I am from X city. I guess it is hard to understand that unpleasant feeling when you are British and people send you back.

I know most people ask the question just to break the ice but after living in a country for most of your life hearing the dreaded “where are you from originally? for the 1675th time, it just feels like “Oh, I note you are one of us..”

I have found that saying “from here actually, I have spent most of my life here” is received with a raised eyebrow and a nasty look.

I have also noticed that some stupid people use this question as the departure to say other nasty things that make you feel you are not part of the community/group.

I remember a stupid woman at work always replying with the same “oh, but we don’t do things that way in this country” with a disapproving look, even if I was suggesting For her to do exactly the same her colleagues had been doing for decades.

YABU. Why is this even an issue? Just make something up.

@FelicisNox

@MrsBadcrumble123

RTFT ...it helps. And answers the "why".