not to tell strangers where I'm from?

[FishCanFly]

I speak with a pretty unfortunate accent and this always prompts random people to ask where i'm from. Thing is - I don't want to say. I don't mind a friendly conversation, but i don't like giving out personal info to people i don't know. AIBU?

I thought Birmingham as well!

Language 'learning' in from-birth bilingualism isn't learning, it's acquisition. OPOL doesnt (IME) produce a native speaker of the minority language, but it certainly produces a bilingual speaker. (For a native speaker you need the whole surrounding context. if, as is the case in our family, school and most socialising take place in the majority language and the parent is the only daily influence in the minority language, you won't get a 'native' speaker, with an 'authentic' accent and immediate access to the whole range of idioms, cultural references etc. But by doing strict OPOL and a lot of reading, media etc in the minority language, you can get pretty close). /OT

Yy clotted - exactly this idea of 'getting travel tips and recommendations' is part of what makes my stomach sink. Talking to me for that reason (or to get a chance to practise your English, in my case ) is instrumentalising me. It's not real interest in me, it's interest in what I am presumed to represent.

It's British culture and nature to interrupt people while they're speaking or doing something to ask questions without even an excuse me or hello or whatever? Really?

Every day is a school day.

My friend is french, still has an accent, she constantly gets stupid comments about frogs, snails

'It's British culture and nature to interrupt people while they're speaking or doing something to ask questions without even an excuse me or hello or whatever? Really?'

Agree, it really isn't. This is the same Britain where avoidant fear of 'confrontation' is a national trait. There is absolutely an attitude where thresholds of respect/inhibition are lower towards people perceived as 'other'. Not saying that every instance of 'where are you from?' falls under this, or that this is a purely British thing. (In Germany it's partly typified by the use of the familiar form of address (with which one never normally addresses adult strangers) and/or over-simplified grammatical structures to foreigners or those perceived as such, often with what the speaker assumes is benign intent).

Not saying that every instance of 'where are you from?' falls under this,

Of course not. But many of us gave examples of what is and isn't acceptable, that we are comfortable and willing to talk in some situations and how othering and rude we find others and have been told we just don't get "British culture" we don't get "British etiquette " . Is it really us that don't get it?

After all we have lived here for many years, we have jobs and friends and manage to socialise even without asking people where they are from.

I get it OP. I’m guessing most of the people on this thread have never been asked the loaded question ‘Where are you REALLY from?’ when you tell them which part of Britain you’re from.

It’s unsettling makes you feel instantly un-British.

Sarcasm, I think you've misread me - I'm agreeing with you - that bit of my post merely qualifies my point (and there is an unspoken 'but many do' after it). I've made a number of posts upthread where I describe my experience of being 'othered' in this way and how annoying/wearing (at best) it is.

Interupting anyone to make demanding questions is rude. Using someone for their knowledge of a place, without having any interest in them as a person themselves is rude. Using someone for language practice is rude. Being made to feel that someone believes they are entitled to an explanation is rude. Walking away once they have had their question answered is rude.

Asking questions with a hostile, unspoken "why are you here?", goes beyond rude into xenophobia and racism. Some of the comments people have been subjected to on this thread are dreadful and I can absolutely see why such comments are "othering".

Maybe it depends on the area of the country which you live in, but I can assure anyone who comes to my little part of Yorkshire - we are interested in you, want to make people feel welcome to our area, celebrate difference, and are really pleased when people choose to become UK citizens. There will always be the odd racist knob head, of course, but those sorts of questions here truly do get asked to all non-locals (I don't have a local accent and get asked, but have been adopted as an honorary Yorkshirewoman - as are people with all manner of accents, dress, skin colours, whether from the UK oroginally or not). It honestly is because we are interested in you and believe we are being polite by taking an interest.

Knowing that it feels so very different to be on the receiving end of it with a non-UK accent, I shall definitely stop asking. I would hate to make someone feel uncomfortable - that's the opposite reason of why I ask. We show our acceptance and welcome through taking an interest. I truly didn't realise it would be seem as anything other than that.

I am so sorry for the crap that so many posters have experienced. It's dreadful. And so sorry for any offence I have caused in trying to understand all this

@CatteStreet I do apologise, my comment was an add on to yours rather than a rebuttal.

This thread got a bit frustrating eventually with all the but ,but ,but and "it's you that doesn't get it" after many of us explaining why we don't like it.

I might've been a bit snarkier than usual.

as is the case in our family, school and most socialising take place in the majority language and the parent is the only daily influence in the minority language, you won't get a 'native' speaker, with an 'authentic' accent and immediate access to the whole range of idioms, cultural references etc. But by doing strict OPOL and a lot of reading, media etc in the minority language, you can get pretty close). /OT
Yes, my sister has a masters in linguistics and she has told me that he will need lessons etc, he is bilingual, but he doesn't speak my language as native, and he has a bit of an English accent. It really is very cute to hear him and he mixes both sometimes like I do 😍

Interupting anyone to make demanding questions is rude. Using someone for their knowledge of a place, without having any interest in them as a person themselves is rude. Using someone for language practice is rude. Being made to feel that someone believes they are entitled to an explanation is rude. Walking away once they have had their question answered is rude.

Exactly my point. We've explained this again and again. But we're told "nah,mate you're just not embracing British culture" or not integrating enough.

How can I not be a bit WTF at that?

Ah Sarcasm, my turn to apologise, I thought you were talking directly to me

clotted, tbh I wouldn't bother with lessons, certainly not those aimed at speakers of your language as a second/additional language. They tend to confuse the issue (veteran of years of dodgy school English lessons for my dc). Just as much authentic (or as close to it as poss) exposure as possible. Reading (esp reading aloud - I read to my older two each night until they were 13 and nearly 11 and it was always an English book), films, radio, magazines, holidays, social activities if poss in 'normal' settings (e.g. we go to an English church occasionally, see English-speaking friends whenever we can). i talk about the language with mine, on a meta-level, so to speak.

(And I'd never have thought I'd encourage my dc to watch YouTubers, but watching the English-speaking ones is really good for theirt exposure, content aside )

I suppose people don't like being passing projects, understandably.

If you look at things a different way - you are passing a beautiful garden and see the person working on it. You stop and comment on how lovely their Dahlias are. You are likely to have a small conversation about gardening that doesn't expand and walk away.

A lot of exchanges don't go anywhere. I was taught it was polite to pick something interesting and flattering about someone as an opening salvo "i love your broach, it's beautiful". But I'm very careful and wouldn't say "that's a beautiful sari/kilt".

@CatteStreet at least we have the apologising down pat.

Yup, now that's British!

What an interesting thread!

Sad to read so many examples/experiences of casual racism and xenophobia.

I have experienced both sides of this coin. As a Brit currently living in UK, I do sometimes ask someone with an accent "Ooh, where are you from?" but I really hope they can tell that the undertone is positive. I ask because I am curious about people and about the world. It pains me to admit it, but I am also one of those berks who likes to say "Oh yes, I have visited Latvia, what a beautiful country" etc etc.

When I lived and worked abroad, and obviously had an accent, I never minded people asking me where I was from. I always thought they were being friendly and inquisitive. Having said that, I have white privilege.

I travel in France and Italy quite a lot for work, and despite my best efforts to speak the local languages effectively, I am usually mistaken for Russian as I speak both (particularly Italian) with a Russian accent. Fuck knows how I haven't experienced any negatives from "being" Russian in these situations. Maybe it would be different if I sounded Romanian though?

Very often "where are you from" is asked at the strangest of times, think paying for your shopping with a mile km long queue behind you and the cashier asks you this question, followed by "but where are you really from" if you say something generic like Surrey or London.

To the posters who don't get why this can make us feel put on the spot, how would you feel if the cashier asked you (whilst you try to pack your shopping whilst simultaneously managing three under 5s..)

• Where were you born?
• How old are you?
• Where do you work?
• Are you a high or low tax payer?
• What's your name?
• Where do you live?

• What car do you drive?

These are not exactly the same as 'where are you from' (much less loaded in the age of Brexit xenophobia) but should give you and idea as to how weird it is to be asked such a personal question when you are eerily doing your weekly shopping; it can really make you feel put on the spot.

The response to the questions above, if asked in the context of cashier / customer interaction at Asda, would most often be "excuse me?"with a bemused face.

*Some of you aren't listening.

[...]

We have explained over and over that we don't mind in normal social interactions , with colleagues, with friends of friends, even people we see in passing etc. Hell we even put up with the "funny jokes" sometimes.
But don't come to me when I'm already talking with someone else ,especially my daughter , interrupt me mid sentence and demand to know where I'm from without even a hello.
*

This, this, this.

I very much dislike being asked where I am from in a setting which does not requires it - if I am employing a tradesperson, selling my house with an estate agent, or buying an item of clothing.

It has certainly got worst after Brexit and, in spite of looking Middle Eastern/Indian, I keep getting asked if I am from Poland (!!!). This is because I have a slight accent - people cannot immediately place me, but they fear Polish people (I live in the south of England) and want to ascertain if I am "one of them".

I come from a sough-after area of Europe, a place considered "nice", and the sigh of relief from the asker is palpable wen they found out that's where I am from, their racism exposed for what it is. One I was even told bluntly "oh, that's much better". It hurts every time it happens.

It is not always bad - one of my best "where are you from" interactions happened at the hairdresser, the hairdresser looked dark and handsome, and was called Antonio.

Me: "are you from Spain?" (ready to switch language)
Him "No, from India"
Me: "Oh, I thought you were Spanish - I am from Madrid!!"
Him: "Really? I thought you were from India! My family is from Delhi and you look like my cousin"

Instead of "othering" each other we had found a similarity. We are not that different, all from Planet Earth.

Exactly my point. We've explained this again and again. But we're told "nah,mate you're just not embracing British culture" or not integrating enough

How can I not be a bit WTF at that?

Some of us are saying we won't ask anymore because we don't want to cause offence.

The OP said that due to her culture of origin, she feels uncomfortable with small talk. My honest question is (Oh Lord, please don't kill me it is a genuine question which I don't know the answer to): At what point does the person who moved to the UK need to "put up" with aspects of the culture here which may feel uncomfortable/unfamiliar to them? Or should it always be the culture they have moved to which changes to accommodate and avoid offence?

The reason I ask is because I can't help but feel a little sad that I have to change a pretty fundamental part of my culture, in order to avoid possibly offending people who may be originally from a different culture. BUT I think not offending people is more important than my culture.

I am NOT talking about the "where are you from?" Said in a negative way, with its associations of xenophobia and racism. But other stuff such as being interested in others, asking positive questions, making small talk. That is part of the UK culture. How can we achieve the balance between people's rights not to feel uncomfortable based on their own cultural norms, and people's rights to live true to the culture of their country of residence?

l'm from the North East, but l live in Yorkshire. l work on a supermarket checkout. l get asked where l'm from at least three times a day because my accent quite clearly isn't local.

@JoannaCuppa

1.many,many Brits feel uncomfortable with small talk, just have a look on the threads on here

2.unless I've read it wrong, OP refers mostly to small talk that is centred around where she's from. I assume as a reply to all the posters telling her "get over yourself, it's just small talk".

1. I can't speak for anyone else , but while not a big fan of it, I can easily engage in small talk and even enjoy it/initiate it sometimes. Like everyone else I have bad days, I'm peopled out or I simply don't like some people, so small talk is a pain in the arse then and if not necessary I try to bypass it. On other days I'll talk your ear off , and who knows maybe we'll become friends. Most of my friends are English and I made them while being a SAHM so I can and will engage. It makes me human, nothing to do with where I'm from.

This is not about small talk. It never was.