To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

I'm sure you have tried this but just in case. My high needs screamy baby also hated pram, buggy and car - only thing she sometimes liked was outwards (not in) facing in a carrier. Get that advert for help up today. Good luck

Yes it would be nice to get help from DM and MIL, but it's not as if they're sitting home doing nothing. If your DM is already spending an hour or two daily with her aged DM that's quite a responsibility. And if MIL is dealing with an anxious FIL that's also not easy. It may be that they would have helped if they didn't already have a lot on their plate.
You need help so look at paid help or DH easing off work for a bit. My DH had a long hour, high pressure job but took time to help me when I had severe PND. In terms of you worrying about nannies etc not wanting to be with your child, you won't know until you try. You have nothing to lose bu giving it a go.

You could possibly ask at local nurseries if they would mind you putting an ad in their staffroom. These staff will already be dbs'd and experienced plus the pay is soooo low that they may be very happy for a few hours extra income. I know many of the ladies I work with would be very grateful for a few extra hours at a better rate of pay (Nursery is minimum wage or maybe slightly above, so even £10.00 p/h is a good rate).

I do feel for you OP. It's not fair what they are doing and quite selfish, but as others have said, it is their choice even if it's not fair. Perhaps they think you can afford paid help so why should they do it, but in which case, they shouldn't be saying such negative things about getting paid help.

Playing devils advocate on the - if you look after the grandkids then I'll help in your old age argument. You're expecting parents to do double duty. Raise you and then help raise / look after grandkids. Is that fair?

I don't really like this transactional, tit-for-tat model at all - my parents help me as much as they can and I help them as much as I can because we all love each other and want the best - but I do think it's weird to see simply raising your own children as something that should incur gratitude and reward. I wanted to have DS - he didn't ask to be born - and caring for him is something DH and I willingly chose to take on. Not neglecting him is also our legal duty! I don't see why he's supposed to 'owe' us for it.

I think you're making the right decision getting yourself some paid help. And when your DM and MIL start protesting your decision you just remind them that you were desperate for some help but considering your family couldn't then you needed someone who could!

You are not being unreasonable at all. I felt the same when I realised how little interest all bar on of my dcs grandparents had in them.

My first baby was high needs, exactly as you describe. I went back to work after a year and the pnd lifted. My second baby is much more chilled but I realised the impact of having no free time had on me. I posted on our local parenting Facebook group outlining what I needed and checking if anyone was available. I found an amazing former nursery nurse who had given up work when her children were born and is currently an after school childminder. She came for three hours a week and is amazing. It actually really helped me having an adult around for a few hours a week too so I could have a natter/moan and she’s now a firm friend. Worth a try.

@Rubypurple Maybe it would help if we knew a bit more about the circumstances?

How old is your baby?
How old is your mum and MIL?
How far away do they live?
Is your maternal gran very old and ill, or just old? Why does she need a daily visit? Does she need actual daily care? or is this a social visit?

You say your Mum and MIL are SAHMs but surely what you mean is they are retired from work?

I think if I were your mum I'd realise there was a need to share my time between daughter and mum. If your gran needs ongoing care this ought to have been thought of by your mum who should have realised you might need help too once your baby arrived.

I really get how you feel. My circs were similar- screaming baby for months but my parents lived 300 miles away as did MIL. I had no help at all other than my mum coming to stay now and then for a few days, then it was back to being on my own with no friends of family nearby.
And DH was working long hours too.

It DOES get better .

Did you do NCT? Do you know any other mums who can at least come over or do a walk with the pram with you?

Did your mum or dad never offer to help before your baby arrived? Did they not speak about what they might do to help?
What's your relationship been like with them before now?

If you were never close before you had a baby it might be unrealistic to hope they will step up now.

What do you think?

Pay for the help. Nobody will give you any prizes for suffering.

You are putting literally everyone ahead of yourself. In language that might appeal to you: if you’re not on your game, the baby isn’t. You need to get help so you can cope for the baby’s sake.

Each generation makes the changes it needs to make. Your DM and MIL took help from their mums; you’re not. Easy solution: pay for help.

(Also, it doesn’t need to be an actual nanny. Get a mother’s help, someone who can come in each morning and do what you do for the baby, while you rest, run errands, do chores etc. You can very reasonably ask that person to spend those hours in your house with you, if you like. The baby will take a few days to get used to the woman, but it WILL get better. It will be the best decision you make, if you pick the right person. A young girl or an older woman would both work)

DH has space to work in silence but yesterday it was getting too much so he took the baby from me and did a conference call at the same time just to help me. I don’t want him having to do things like that. He’s so lucky he can wfh from time to time. I really need him to keep this job!

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time with your baby. I’ve skimmed through so sorry if I’ve missed it, but are you using a sling? My DS was also pretty high needs and he basically lived on my back for the first 18months. One of the few ways he was guaranteed to fall asleep was me jiggling up and down/swaying side to side while he snuggled into the back of my neck.

If you can afford to pay for help then please don’t think twice. Don’t worry about what your mum said about a babysitter/nanny running off. People who work in childcare usually do it because they like children, and understand they sometimes need a lot of comfort. They will have experience of soothing upset babies, and will also find their crying less distressing than you do because they won’t be getting flooded with hormones in the way a mother is when her baby cries.

I hope things get easier for you soon

Pay for help. My high need baby is now in nursery one day a week. He absolutely loves it, wriggles and smiles as soon as he arrives - they love him and we are sure his development and skills are improving as a result. And I get to sleep and recover.

To be honest, while my parents love my baby and have been hugely supportive, it was my choice to arrange paid help because I don’t WANT to get into that sort of arrangement with my parents.

I want them and PIL to have him in their own time without me ‘needing’ it - avoiding all the tension that comes with being beholden to family members.

Op, have you tried asking them directly, eg. Mum can you come over for 2 hours this week, anytime that suits you? I think you have to be direct. If its always a no, then pay for help. It's simple and you need to do it now. Is there a local agency near you, like sitters or safehands? Try googling those and get the ball rolling.
Good luck.

Baby is three months.
Mothers are in early 60s. They were SAHM all their lives- no kids at home now.
My gran is old and ill. She gets her daily care help from her carers. My mums visit is social and also to take care of admin. She also takes her last nights leftovers for her to have as dinner.
The funny thing is my mum and MIL kept talking to other family members about how they would be so busy helping me out once baby came but since then they have hardly done anything! My expectations were based on things they had said in the past and also the level of support they received. I wasn’t expecting any where near that much help because I know they have their own things to deal with but I also wasn’t expecting next to nothing

Yes, a nursery is a great idea too. And ignore any one who doubts you, they aren't in your shoes.

But why don't you want him taking the baby from you? If it was that impossible he would hand the baby back. It sounds like you only want help from the people who aren't giving it. PND does weird things to your mindset unfortunately.

OP- are you having help with your PND?

No Leopard, cos the guy is working!!

My baby hated prams and car seats and bouncy chairs and being still too. Only thing that worked was a sling and constant movement. I was exhausted as well.

Do try and get out though. I made a friend through a mum and baby group who also had a severe refluxer and we'd go for walks together round and round a park. Our conversations were cut off every minute or so by a screaming puking baby but the solidarity was a great help.

I have five children and my first was a similar anxious little person. 3 months is often a climax of tiredness and then suddenly the baby starts to eat a bit more, so sleeps and settles more and can concentrate for longer. I think you’ve hit the wall and are shattered and pnd will be making that harder. Hang in there and it will get better soon. Do go out and meet other Mums it helps.

And don’t worry. A city lawyer isn’t going to lose his job if he does a conference call holding a baby.

@NoLeopard because I’ve worked in similar environments and understand the pressure. If you’re wfh you’re supposed to be working not doing childcare!

Can you afford a nanny to help?

OK, @RubyPurple. Ring your mother and ask her if she can look after the baby for a specific, named two hours on a specific day this week.

@RubyPurple you've no doubt tried but have you used a dummy? My youngest did this for first six months (my parents didn't realise, they took little interest in any case for the first 10 weeks, then hosted family for eight weeks so were too busy, and subsequently went abroad for six weeks so I know how alone you must feel).

A dummy helped. It didn't alleviate the swaying and patting which I continued to have to do, but despite spitting out the dummy initially my DC finally accepted it. DC continued to be tricky for first three years and remains very needy even now (8), but I got there and you will too. It's hard hard hard going but be kind to yourself. Your DH is actually putting more pressure on you to try and keep baby quiet by WFH...

Will a nursery take a baby who needs to be held and walked around constantly and if they aren’t will start screaming hysterically? I’m worried that a nanny will struggle. Is an agency really the best way to find one in this situation?