To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

@poster RubyPurple

Nothing could be further from the truth. My first was an absolute nightmare. My in laws were both still at work and my mum lived too far away to help. It was making friends and getting out every single day that saved me.

When carers come they often just do toileting. I’m guessing your mum cooks your gran’s meals, arranges doctor’s appointments, pays the bills, cleans, sorts the groceries / bank jobs out - in which case this is a highly stressful job. You don’t realise until you start caring for an adult how difficult it is. As for your fil - I’m guessing if he’s so weak he can’t even walk around while carrying a baby then there must be a lot of other things he either can’t do or is too anxious too. I suggest, you tell your mum at least that you have pnd, and ask to ask to swap jobs with your mum for a day or two a week - you care for your gran and she cares for your baby. Your mum may agree then.

By mixing with other new mums, you quickly find out that babies do cry a lot. We used to support each other and at baby group, there was always another mum who would hold your baby while you got yourself some coffee and biscuits.

The support I had from other mums is what kept me sane. I made a rule to go out, or have someone to mine every single day. I had PND and an extremely difficult baby but I got through it.

Yep, paid help.
Also it could be a bit of a vicious circle. You have pnd and a demanding baby. Either of them on their own is stressful. Both is really stressful. You are therefore not relaxed and your baby might be picking up on that and making him worse. Not your fault of course, but a break away from him might do you both the world of good.

You're not being unreasonable and I could have written this myself. I get zero support either and it can be really upsetting. Yes, they have their own life too but seem to forget that when bringing us up, we were always with other people so they could be child free. Unfortunately people show their true colours eventually. I hope you're okay I genuinely know how difficult this is.

Oh op I know lots of others have said this but 'it really DOES get easier' - that's the best piece of info I was ever given and I still hang on to it as it's so true!

In the meantime I think it's better that your DH does concentrate on his work, goes in to the office more if possible. City lawyer with a screaming baby in background is really not great.
It's super important and you don't need the worry there too. Given his job, I'm thinking you can afford a decent nanny or mothers help - pay for the service and there are no other strings attached!! Don't worry about them 'running a mile' - most likely they won't and will be glad to help out.
Good luck!

Take him for long walks in the pram when it all gets too much. Getting out every day saved my sanity. Baby groups too.

Cross post OP. I think it’s great you are thinking of getting some paid help, but I really don’t think you’re unreasonable to be disappointed your mum hasn’t offered to give you any relief/help.
My granny had similar regular visits when she was in her own home, to help her get up and dressed, reminders to take medication, help getting to the loo. If it’s similar to my grans experience, daily carers doing regular visits allow people to stay in their own home without having to rely on family doing such everyday care, as not everyone has someone who can. If I was you I would think of something specific, like a trip to the dentist one morning, and ask your mum to mind the baby for a couple of hours. Or if you have a really bad night (I’m sorry,sounds like it may be a regular occurrence) call and say you don’t like to ask but could she come for two hours while you have a lie down and shower.
Definitely get the paid help and don’t accept criticism or guilt tripping from them though, just calmly explain the facts, baby high needs, you are worn out, no other option.

Don’t wait around for you parents or in-laws to offer you help. Of course it would be so much nicer if they did. I wonder how much of your pnd is actually to do with your own parents. But, from bitter experience, it’s not worth waiting around for repeated disappointments, make plans for whatever support you can afford without them. If you have a cleaner you like and trust, ask her/him if they’ll watch the baby for an hour, interview local students to babysit in the evenings, find out if local gyms have crèches and what age they’ll take babies, but most of all see if you can stretch to a few hours at least of a childminder or nanny. It can take a while to find someone you’re happy with so start asking around now. If you know anyone with a nanny or au pair ask them if they’re looking for extra hours.

We have older children so our nanny is free in the day and does a few hours for a local twin mum in the day. That sort of thing might help you out. They are very ‘high needs’ but our nanny is experienced and loves them!

The reason your mother has said that a paid childminder is a bad idea is because deep down she knows that it will look bad. Her own daughter is in acute need of help but she's not prepared to help out. She will be aware that if other people get wind of the fact you are paying for someone else to look after her grandchild they will question why no-one else helped out a little first.

A paid childcare professional will be much better because first of all they will be more objective if your baby is high needs and probably deal with it well and calmly which could work out great.

People really do reap what they sow in relationships. There are critical times when people really show who they are. Your mother and MIL are showing who they really are. When someone shows you who they are - listen. It is patently clear they know an hour a week even would make a massive difference to you but they are choosing not to step in. Distance yourself and do not feel guilty in 10-15 years time when the phone calls start because THEY need help. My own mother has stepped in to help me more times than I can count in life. It goes without saying therefore that we are close and I'll do anything I can to help when she needs support.

Really feel for you. YANBU to ask for a little help.

IP your Mum is taken up with caring for Gran. It is very hard: organising carer rota, devising nutritionally appropriate menus to serve, daily admin, meds overseeing, on and on. You are never "off".
Your in laws have their own battles.

But if you don't ask them they can't help.

Ask your HV to put you in touch with a Homestart volunteer.

How far away are they from you?

Could they just take him for a walk?

I'd also pop baby in a Pram or sling and go for walks as much as possible. If you're outside and walking it doesn't matter that she's screaming the whole time. Just keep walking, not many will bat an eyelid.

He hates the pram and car seat. It sets him off. It makes getting out with him very difficult. I try from time to time but it’s just so tough.

One of the reasons I guess I also feel a little sad is because DH had some job offers a while back in the Middle East. His brother has moved out there and has a nanny and maid. We could have had that too but I said to DH that we need to stay here because when our parents get old they will need us. I didn’t anticipate at the time having such a difficult baby. All the babies I’ve been around have been calm and placid, never experienced anything like this or even heard about it until I started to research high needs babies so it’s been a massive shock that I wasn’t prepared for.

“Could they just take him for a walk?”

Back to broken record.
She hasn’t asked!!!

It’s absolutely awful that your Mother and even MIL can watch you struggling with a high needs baby and PND and do nothing to help at all. I’d be gutted if my Mum did this. Your children don’t stop needing your support when they become adults, if anything they sometimes require more. I do think this is why PND seems to be becoming more widespread. Women just don’t have the family support they once had.

I would firstly ask your HV for more advice, it sounds as though she has fobbed you off a little. I think your DH would be better off going to the office, the pressure of not wanting to disturb him must be difficult. You should outright ask both your DM and MIL, explain how much you are struggling and be frank about your PND too. If they still make excuses then get some paid help.

Do you have a sling? Babies like this usually love being in a sling, it means you can at least get some housework done.

Maybe the father of the child needs to take some annual leave to give you a break? I personally wouldn't look after a difficult child for anybody

Playing devils advocate on the - if you look after the grandkids then I'll help in your old age argument. You're expecting parents to do double duty. Raise you and then help raise / look after grandkids. Is that fair?

That said, in my culture grandparents are expected to look after the grandkids so imo you're not unreasonable to ask for help.

I'm sorry you're struggling but I think your suggestion of getting a nanny is a sound one. Especially in light of grandparent lack of support

Oh ffs of course it won't look bad on the women in the family! If I see a childminder, nanny or children in a nursery it wouldn't occur to me to think of lazy, selfish family members

Bless you, I really do sympathise with you. My second DC was like this. I was a single mother. It was so hard. In hindsight, I would say I was definitely suffering PND but I never told anybody because I was too ashamed and I felt like a failure. So first of all I'd like to say good on you for reaching out and speaking about how you feel.
Secondly, if you can afford a bit of extra help I'd go for it. I couldn't afford this but looking back if I could have, I'd of done it.
My DM used to offer to take him for a few hours, she could see how upset he was constantly. The crying was endless. The doctors repeatedly told me there was nothing wrong with him and that some babies just cry a lot. When it came to my mum taking him, my PND was that bad and undiagnosed I'd burst out crying and tell her not to take him. I felt a tremendous guilt and felt I should be the only one to comfort him. This was very wrong of me and I should of accepted the help. I'd cry all night when my other DC went to bed.
If I ever went out with him in his pram the screaming would continue, I felt that everybody was staring at me and judging me. So I stopped going out with him.

Please do consider getting an extra pair of hands, I still think about the what ifs now nine years later.
It does get better over time, but you also need to think of yourself. It takes it toll on you mentally and physically.

I’ve not RTFT but is there a homestart group in your area? They were a lifesaver for me with both of my DDs. It’s a volunteer who will come round and hold baby while you shower and do important things. Or help you get out of the house for a few hours. I’m still in touch with mine now, I had the same lady for both my girls and they call her Oma. She’s amazing and I don’t know what I would have done without her. Your heath visitor can refer you to it. If not homestart see if there is something similar. X

Years ago, families lived either together or at least round the corner from each other. It’s so different now. I had this with my DS who never slept (HV thought I was exaggerating until I showed her some video of my usual day) and cried/screamed if I sang to him/played with him/picked him up. At 4 he was diagnosed with autism. I’m not suggesting this, for your child. My point is, IT WAS SO HARD. Can you do baby groups with other mums? Any possibility whatsoever of a nursery place say, two mornings a week just to give you that break? I know it’s expensive bit, with your partner away, YOU NEED A BREAK.

Sorry I can’t offer more advice.

He works from home so he can clearly see and hear you struggling? Your issues should be with your DH not your parents.

Read the thread properly. OP's DH does not usually WFH all the time, he is opting to work from home atm because he knows OP is struggling and he is trying to help. But as OP quite rightly points out, this isn't sustainable in the long term as it will affect his work if he's trying to take important calls with a baby screaming in the background. What do you want him to do, quit his job?

There are several posters on this thread saying OP's DH needs to be "more supportive" and "take a more active role in his child's life" but this is pure speculation as nowhere has OP actually said that he's not being as supportive or helpful as he possibly can be whilst also trying to earn a living. Every time a thread like this comes up OP is told that her DH "needs to do more" and sometimes that's fair but sometimes it's a knee-jerk reaction and doesn't take into account that someone has to pay the bills.

How old is your baby? Maybe you could go around to theirs and at least have a change if scene, so they become more familiar with how you manage. I suspect you appear to be coping and their other priorities are not making it obvious you need help. Has hv suggested anything, is homestart available in your area.

I really feel for you. I had pnd after baby number one. On the midwives suggestion I asked my parents to watch her for 3 hours. When I returned, my mum said she was never doing it again because she kept crying. That baby is now nine and has never been looked after by her nan again! Now my mum is ill and needs lots of help. I do help, but do resent her because she never helped me! Is it too late for your husband to move jobs to the far East? The nanny and maid package sounds amazing!