To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

just to check.... try a day or two of lactose free formula... just try it... my first, NEVER slept more than 20 mins at a time ( i kept a baby dairy and ended up moving home because i couldnt cope) she would wake every 20 mins screaming, sometimes projectile vomiting, pulling her legs up in pain, the doctor said oh no shes on breast milk she wont be getting lactose in that... got some formula... she slept 13.75 hours and no more screaming or projectile vomiting.... just give it a try... we had tried everything else, loads of reflux meds, milk thickener med, all sorts.... the lactose free milk was the key.... you never know

Yes we have used dummy, swaddle, white noise, sling etc. He’s just so unpredictable. Just had a feed and was yawning so I put the dummy in and held him close to my chest rocking him gently and he started screaming. Put my knees up and rested him on my thighs swaying him and he’s calmed down. It will probably only last ten minutes as always! (Next time he screams this won’t help!)

Don't be too hard and judgemental re the older generation.

My best friend spends all day looking after her DGC (Two very energetic DGS). Then on her one day off she shops for her 90 year old DM, takes her to hospital appointments, picks up her medications etc. etc.

She's worn out. Has no time for herself. Can't even come to lunch with her friends or the occasional night out at the movies.

I work full time but occasionally have 6 month old DGS while his parents have a day or night out. I love him to death but I can't give up my own life.

I've downsized and as morbid as it sounds, when I die no one will have to come into my house and have to get rid of accumulated rubbish. It's all been done.

My DC will never have to look after me in my old age because I will make sure I have professional care.

As much as we love our families, it's not fair to expect anyone to have to give up their own life to look after someone else.

She's pretty much on call 24/7.

Everyone kept saying he has reflux and none of the reflux stuff helped. Now I keep hearing about allergies even though he has none of the symptoms apart from screaming. In fact he loves his feed time and that’s the only time he won’t cry. HV said not to keep changing his formula so I’m not sure about trying these allergy formulas especially as he doesn’t have the usual symptoms.

I am a SW and I believe that many HV's exacerbate PND as they often tell a new mum that her family should be 'giving her a break' without knowing any circumstances. The new mum then feels very let down, and instead of organising paid help goes into a downward spiral of 'no one cares about me/my baby'.

The OP's DM already has daily caring duties, so to call her selfish is very unreasonable. The baby cries constantly, it is much better from a child protection perspective for people to know their limits and not offer to look after a baby that they suspect they cannot cope with.

OP needs to organize paid help to get a break and just accept that at this point help from immediate family is not possible.

Hi op
I would pay someone to help.
There are 'mothers helpers' who will come and do what ever it is you need.
For example one day it might be please look after the baby whilst I have a bath. Or please could you make me a sandwich and a cuppa.
Don't feel guilty about doing this.

Write them a letter saying health visitor says you need support, you have PND and please can they both support you for the sake of their grandchild.

Just be very matter if fact, try not to say they should have been helping and you feel let down, this will probably get their backs up. You can tell them this when the time has passed and you are in a better place.

Also it will pass.
Dd1 was a nightmare.
She's an adult now and is still incredibly hyper, she thinks she has a form of adhd. We made it through though but I wish I had used paid help.

@Rubypurple How far away from your mum do you live? It sounds as if she and your gran live very close to each other if she's going over twice a day including taking left over dinner.

What about your own dad? Where is he in all of this? Could he not do a gran visit to allow your mum time with you?

I really get how hard it is BUT your baby is still really really young; 12 weeks is nothing and your baby may well turn a corner any day. I know it's exhausting but IME it's the norm for babies to be like yours and the idea that a newborn sleeps all day and is a darling is fiction for most parents.

Many new mums are coping like you are.

I think you need ask yourself what you'd want your mum to do? Are you breast feeding? How long would you leave your baby with anyone? If you express milk, your baby may not take to a teat.
Do you need help in the house or someone to literally take your baby off your hands so you can go out, wash your hair, have a walk?
Can you ask your mum for whatever it is you need right now?

I really feel for you OP as I had a baby that didn't stop crying and was, for want of a better phrase, highly-strung for years He's 8 now and a total joy.

It will pass! For now, do whatever you can to get through. Remove any non essential responsibilities/commitments/standards.

Get all the help you can. It was the bleakest time of my life and I wish I could go back and give myself this advice

I see he is bottle fed. Did you start off breast feeding and swap or- never?

Please stop advising the OP to force her family to help using PA/emotional blackmail/straight talking tactics. They are involved in the OP's life, know the situation YET neither feel able to cope with the baby. That, as disappointing as it may be, needs to be respected. OP is in a position to pay for help, it should have been organised by now.

Fair enough, OP. You won’t ask.

Does he cry for everyone, all the time? Was he crying on the call when your DH was holding him on the call?

I'd have left him with DH if he was calm, trusting that DH could mute himself if baby got upset until I could go get him. I WFH and don't have kids, but have often held friends' babies on calls to help them. It's not ideal, but it's not like concentration is much better with a screaming baby in the background!

I've managed the baby room of a nursery, where a lot of parents would be stunned that their baby would calm down when they left. We'd let some sneak into the office before pick-up time and see that they really were happy and calm. I've also been a mothers help, where technically I wasn't supposed to have the baby alone, and a nanny for newborn twins, one of whom cried a lot, but that I loved! My charges were great.

If you need help, choose how you'd prefer to get it. You could settle him in a nursery for a few hours a week, or get a mothers help or nanny, although you might find that it's tough to get just a few hours a week there as they will want to find families to fit around you.

Then you can relax the pressure on your DM and MIL. It's a shame that they aren't offering you the same care that they got, or that you expected, but they seem to have a lot of other caring responsibilities, rightly or wrongly. They also don't sound keen to look after him. You can either ask them outright, which you don't seem to want to do, or just try to lessen the resentment by getting your help elsewhere.

I'd keep pushing for an answer as to why he's so sad, too. In my experience, babies are often called "high needs" until the problem becomes apparent, and then they are totally different little things.

All the best

“They are involved in the OP's life, know the situation YET neither feel able to cope with the baby“

She hasn’t asked them if they will. If she asks and they say no then fair enough. But if she won’t even let the baby’s father take him then I wouldn’t offer if I was a grandparent. I would wait to be asked.

It's worth asking to try a dairy free formula, it really is. You can even buy them from pharmacies - although they're expensive. Nutramigen worked for us. My dd didn't really have any of the milk allergy symptoms other than screaming non stop. She outgrew it just before her third birthday.

Also, we didn't get my dd's silent reflux meds right (a combination of max ranititindine and max ompeperazole) until 9/10 months is. I got fobbed off by the gp from one month old and finally saw a useful gp at 9/10 months who agreed to try that combination. Was a complete game changer. I felt so guilty when she suddenly was doing some sleeping and not screaming all the time. I wish I'd pushed for it more earlier on.

Don't feel guilty about paying for help. I know a few nannies and they'll be absolutely fine with a baby that cries all the time, especially if its only for a short time. Mothers helps are also a good option, ask around for recommendations for good agencies, nannies etc, if your dh is working in the city there will be others in the area with nannies.

It will get better. Friend had a nightmare baby who is now a delightful toddler, you just need to do whatever it takes to get there.

@BertrandRussell I asked my mum last night if she can come today for an hour in the afternoon as DH has meetings all day and won’t be home until 7. She said ok but seemed reluctant. She said she missed her exercise class yesterday because she wanted to put her washing out and so she wanted to go for it today. I said not to worry then. She then said she will try to find an hour after her class.

Just to say I think it sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now OP (hug) I hope you get something sorted very soon so you can take a deep breath, rest, sleep and feel better soon.

I didn't have a high-needs baby and found it hard enough (and my MIL changed nappies and had my 3 month old over for sleepovers whilst I got 12hrs sleep at night now and then).

Sounds like you're doing your best, which is what any decent Mother would do

Yes they should be helping more. (And I say this as someone who has been a carer for sick/elderly family members.) But they’re not going to offer. So:

1. ask them directly, with a named day and time, “this Wednesday from 10-12” or whatever. It won’t fix the problem that you want them to want to, but it might get them to take him for at least a few hours.

2. Throw money at the problem. Yes professional childcare people have seen this kind of baby before, they won’t all run a mile as you’re reading. If your mother and MIL criticise you for it, say “are you offering, then?”

OP I feel for you but this will pass and life will be easier. Be kind to yourself and don’t allow yourself to be wound up further by others throw away comments along the lines that you should receive more help (this will wind you up and make things worse).
I can say this as I was in similar shoes to you as a first time older mum at 38 and I had my second at 39. My first was extremely contended but babies are still demanding and hard work. I had my second child 13 months later.
My IL’s lived over three hours away and were both still working FT. When they visited it was to sit and cuddle and be waited on hand and foot so no relaxation or relief for us. My DH worked 13 hours a day so I was on my own most of the time with no support.
My parents only lived 10 minutes drive away but my much younger sister monopolised them with my niece my parents first grand child 16 months older than my eldest. My niece was at my parents house every day either for childcare or for a visit. She was a heavy clumsy child. If I went round my niece was always the centre of attention my mum couldn’t hold or look at either of my two or my niece kicked off and I was told it wasn’t fair on her. I explained to my mum it would be nice to see them without niece being present could they visit me or could they let me know when niece wouldn’t be round and that I could do with some help
especially when I had two so close together but they couldn’t do this and seemed unable to see how wrong or unfair this was. My sister had overnight childcare while she had a night out but the only over night childcare I/we ever had was reluctantly when I was in labour with my second.
Friends and others wound me up by saying they were surprised my parents didn’t do more, didn’t help more, didn’t see their lovely grandchildren more and treat me and my sister more fairly etc. But my parents still carried on giving all their love to their eldest grandchild my two hardly got a luck in and things are still the same now they are all teenagers. I feel like my niece has taken my place in my birth family and myself and my children are the black sheep.
Take care OP.

I feel like she doesn’t really want to or feel able to help so probably best I don’t ask again and sort out the paid care even though they will all look down on me for doing that.

Being a parent doesnt just stop when they hit 18.

I couldn't imagine never wanting to help ethier ds or my own grand child.

Your not asking then to parent your child. Your asking for help and giving them time with their grand child.

I think I would be very blunt and say you need a couple if hours, you are struggling and trying to over come pnd.

If they still refuse in would look into paid help.
A nanny, child kind or even nursery.

I hope you figure something out x

But why did you say don't worry? Just ask her to come after or before. Don't be martyr-ish. I wonder if your mum actually knows how much you're struggling or whether you just assume she does. Unless you've actually broken down in front of her it's possible she doesn't realise.

She said she missed her exercise class yesterday because she wanted to put her washing out and so she wanted to go for it today. I said not to worry then. She then said she will try to find an hour after her class.

That would piss me off so much. Such a trite reason. Sorry OP. And only an hour- she can't even bring herself to say let me have him a few hours so you can get a proper nap. How often do your mum and MIL see the baby?