To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

I feel your pain as I had a high needs baby (cows milk allergy and silent reflux = very screamy baby) and no family help. I didn't have pnd though so I was able to muddle through. Your mum and mil are being unkind - if they wanted to they could fit in one help visit a week. Advertise for a mother's help if you can afford it. It will be worth every penny.

My dd become a 'normal' baby at about 9.5 months, when the gp finally sorted her silent reflux medicine. She even started sleeping a bit! Do you know why your baby is high needs? Just checking you've not just been fobbed off with Collic

But that's what I am saying. No one is making assumptions that, actually, op could do more.

So why make assumptions about the mother. The mother is unlikely to visit her mother everyday, if her mother is fit and well and out doing her own stuff.

I dont get why anyone would assume anyone in the situation is just doing what they are doing because they cant be arsed.

The OP hasn’t asked.

I would recommend finding some paid help.
Even in London I managed to find a qualified and experienced childminder (she was on maternity leave) to watch my son for a few hours a week from when he was about 7/8 months old which gave me some space to help me recover from PND. He was/is quite high needs and highly sensitive, not very good with strangers, but he loved her - she was a professional and knew how to get kids to warm to her. The benefit is that if you're paying someone they are much less likely to let you down as well and they will follow your instructions. I'm sorry that your mum and MIL aren't being very supportive, it's hard with a new baby and PND

Sorry I meant to write even in London it wasn't expensive, about £10 an hour?

Get a nanny. You have PND and no support - it makes total sense to get professional help in if you can afford it. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t worry about your baby being ‘high needs’. A professional won’t mind, they’ll just do their job.

I do feel for you, OP. It’s sad that your mother and MIL won’t help out just for a couple of hours a week. I don’t understand families like this. But it is what it is, so don’t waste any more time wishing things were different. Hire a nanny!

YABVU, the only people with an obligation to provide care to a child are the two people who made them. It’s kind and generous if others offer help but YABVVU to expect it or feel aggrieved if it’s not forthcoming. They’ve done years of child rearing and probably don’t want to do more of it!

We have investigated it with a paediatrician. Put him on anti reflux milk and the maximum dose of omeprazole and there was no difference. We have tried a cranial osteopath too and no difference.

He seems highly sensitive and also needs constant carrying around with movement in order to stay calm. If you stand still while holding him or sit down he starts fussing, crying or screaming. It’s pretty exhausting. Totally fits the Dr Sears description of a high needs baby.

DH really is trying to do all the that he can but like some posters have said it’s important that he can focus on his job. We have a mortgage and bills to pay. If he’s at home he will take him whenever he gets a spare moment and on weekends he takes him so that I can cook and do stuff that I need to get done at home. I just feel like I need 2-3 hours away from the baby during the weekdays rather than DH popping in for half an hour on the days when he’s at home (as much as that is helpful particularly when nothing is consoling DS and I feel like my patience is running low)

To be clear I wasn’t thinking my mum or MIL would come over every day or even for long periods during the day. If they each had offered to come around once a week for a 2-3 hour window that would have been amazing. I think that is possible for them both and anything more than that might well be too much but maybe I am being unreasonable with that too. I think I had hoped they would help because they both had lots of help from their mothers and MILs despite having much easier babies than mine (according to them). Their mothers would come and stay with them for 6 months or so when they had babies (maybe an Asian culture thing).

It’s seems like paid help is the way to go. With paid care is it really better to go through an agency then place an ad on a website? I’ve read mixed things about agencies.

And I’d say the same whether they were working full time and a full time carer or ladies who lunch relaxing with aerobics classes and shopping each day.

Why don’t you expect your father or father in law to offer childcare? And why aren’t you disappointed in them for not offering? I didn’t see any mention in your OP of them.

Hi I can sympathise a bit. I have a city lawyer husband and spent a lot of the time with small children wondering why my healthy, wealthy, 60-something parents showed no interest at all in helping me out as I became more and more fraught and desperate with tiny children. I still feel resentful and sad that they never babysat or changed a single nappy. What I’d say is don’t compare yourself to the mums you meet who do have more support. You will need to pay for more help than them. I wish I had realised this earlier. By baby three I kept on a household help three days and a cleaner twice for maternity leave to keep me sane without a shred of guilt having struggled through first two mat leaves wondering why I was an anxious, haggard mess compared to my groomed, elegant nct friends! It means we have less spare cash for holidays than our friends who have parents helping out but it really is 100% worth it. And you will find someone lovely who will enjoy being with your baby. It’s amazing what a difference even just being able to have a half hour to yourself can make.

And I really agree with pp about “high needs” - it’s almost always something to do with feeding - reflux, an undiagnosed dairy allergy etc. Health visitors are often so dismissive with first time mums and imply you’re to blame for being anxious but if your baby is genuinely screaming day and night and never settling keep going to the gp and be insistent.

Op- you haven’t asked!!!

It’s funny how it’s always the older women in the family, who’ve already done potentially decades of child rearing, who are expected to ‘help’ with someone else’s child in their later years and are judged for not doing so.

Whereas having read all seven pages, I’ve seen very little from anyone asking why OP’s father or father in law can’t help (not that they’re obligated to either, and they may be unable to for all we know, but it’s pretty awful that it’s not even in question while the women are being judged for not doing so).

Wheres your father?

OP, your dh could arrange something, to help you out.

If your mental health deteriorates, you could fund him having to take extended leave to care for you and the baby.

The issue, is that wanting regular free childcare, isnt something they cant commit to. My mum did this for dbro and his wife, she also worked and it just exhausted her. As well as caring for her father. I say caring because he didnt need that much. But did need someone to go in each day, check his medications, check he was ok. He had early stages of dementia. He could be fine for weeks, then go off the deepend. Day to day, she didnt do a lot for him. But its stressful.

And have you though about how you will feel if your baby is ok, for your mum and mil? At least with a professional, you wont feel as bad. I have seen it on here and real life. People desperate for a break and the they get it but get upset cause the child is ok with someone else.

Mum just felt that she didnt have anything else to give. Even just doing it one afternoon a week.

Before you baby came along how much did you and your dh do to alieveate the stress on your mother and mil looking after relatives?

I have to say though, unless you ask them outright, then you cant really moan.

Whilst I do sympathise that you have an unsettled baby, it's not your DM or MIL role to have to help you out - especially when they both have caring commitments.

If you need a break then hire a nanny - an experienced baby nanny maybe able to help with the settling of the baby. I'd go through a local agency to find one.

They should NOT be supporting you. YABU. They’ve done their child rearing days and now their time is their own.

If they did offer, then that’s a bonus but you really need to stop wanting something that clearly isn’t available. You need to make a life for yourself and your baby. Get out every day, make friends go to baby groups, Children’s Centre activities, baby yoga, swimming etc. Have friends with babies round for coffee but stop moping. 💐

My gran has carers visiting her 5-6 times a day. My mum goes over to give her company, bring her food and do any admin.

To those asking why I’m talking about my mum and MIL only - My dad had a bad back a few years ago so as a precaution he doesn’t lift anything (including baby). He will hold him while sat down but my baby can’t stay like that for more than 5-10 mins at a time. My father in law never changed a nappy or did anything for his kids so he’s not about to start doing that now.

I liked to pay for help. If you are able to afford it then it makes a lot more sense than asking relatives. I would help out my own kids if they really needed me but I wouldn't really want to especially if I thought they could afford childcare help themselves.. I'm in my 50s and I am very healthy and busy. I really really wouldn't want to look after a baby even a mellow one. I'd prefer to do anything other than babysitting like painting or car repairs or cleaning.

I agree with Mumoftinies, it is unclear if the OPs mum is the gran’s carer - or more a dutiful loving daughter doing regular visits. Not sure if it even is said if granny is in her own home or in sheltered accommodation or residential care? If the mother’s visits are hour or two each day, let’s say two hours, I still find it odd that she wouldn’t be able to do one two or three hour session looking after her grandson even a week, to help her daughter who is suffering from PND. She is only with her mum a couple of hours a day, plenty of people visit elderly relatives in the same way and also have jobs/other caring responsibilities. The OP isn’t expecting her mum to abandon her gran or to care for baby everyday forever!
The MIL I think is possibly a different kettle of fish, as it may be hard for her to leave FIL by himself.

@Peanutbuttericecream I guess you’ve never had a baby who cries and screams most of the time. That’s just not possible. Going out with a baby like this causes more anxiety than staying in

Dil has anxiety so would not be able to help.
And the poster who said her DH should take a day off a week - how many businesses would be happy with that idea? Essentially changing your contracted hours without discussion

OP’s father or father in law can’t help (not that they’re obligated to either, and they may be unable to for all we know, but it’s pretty awful that it’s not even in question while the women are being judged for not doing so)

If the film has bad anxiety and relies heavily on mil, I would expected him providing childcare to a high needs baby probably isnt the best idea.

My gran has carers visiting her 5-6 times a day. My mum goes over to give her company, bring her food and do any admin.

So grab is quite I'll. Her mother is quite I'll and requires lots of care and visits.

I dont think you are appreciating the toll that can take on someone.n

Sorry. FATHER in law has anxiety. Bloody phone.

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time, I think they should be helping (because they want to!). Sadly in reality they're not obliged to, maybe they feel it would be too much because he is high needs but don't want to say that and hurt your feelings? Do you have any baby cafes near you or something similar? I did baby massage with a mum whose little one wouldn't stop crying, and none of us minded at all as it's good she was getting out and about; and she now has us as a support network as well, one of the mums' first child was high needs so she could understand fully.

Essentially changing your contracted hours without discussion

You wouldn't do it without discussion and it woildnt be permanent. He could even take some annual leave.