To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

@RubyPurple I understand you need a break. I am sure my circs were worse than yours. I had no family within 300 miles! No siblings and no close friends near.

My babies both screamed all day for 6 months. I breast fed both for 6 months and had cracked and bleeding nipples for weeks. I was feeding them both every 2-3 hours all night long for 6 months. I was exhausted. First DC had eczema within 9 weeks and as I was breastfeeding I had to go dairy free to see if that helped, which meant a complete re-jigging of my own diet to sort this out.

I completely understand but if your parents won't help and you can afford help, get help.

I don't think you should approach Home Start as you are clearly well off and HS is for parents who have no financial means of getting help.

You could try a maternity nurse but you may just have a crying baby who will soon turn a corner.

Don't try to explain to them why you need paid help, if you try to explain to them then you are framing the situation as one in which you have to account to them, in which they are your overlords and you have to justify what you do.
Just do what's right for you and cut them out of the loop thereby reframing the situation as one in which you are in control of your own life and you're not beholden to them

Thank goodness you're getting help.

I would agree you don't have to tell them someone is helping out but if you do then don't take any grief, how dare they criticise your choices as a mother especially when they aren't helping and have never been in your position.

My mum really doesn't want us to move elsewhere even if it would mean we make more money but she helps so much to keep us close and likes to remind me I'd struggle to cope without her, cheeky.

How are they being controlling or stopping her? They have a different opinion to the OP and have expressed it. As they are never there, they arent in a position to control anything. OP can and should make her own decisions, which should absolutely involve getting some help in asap.If she doesn't tell them, how would they even know.

@RubyPurple please don't think that a nanny or childminder would prefer to look after an " easier" baby - they are professionals and even if you just need to schedule 4 hours a week with either a childminder or a nursery so you can have a break I would consider this. Also there is a college by me which offers pay by the hour childcare for mums to take their babies in so they can say have 2 hours and go and get a hair cut or something for them.

I know what it's like to have no support, my baby is 5 months old now and the only time my mum and mother in law helped was immediately after the birth stayed a week but wasn't much help really ... nowadays they just come up once a week or fortnight to visit the baby in which they stay for 2-3 hours and just watch me cracking on with the day feeding him changing him getting him to nap .. etc they are more of a hinderance as over stimulate him especially at naptime and then he gets upset as he is overtired. They would happily see washing in the machine that needs taking out , a full dishwasher etc bit just sit and relax in my house ( MIL especially decides to sit and read my magazines and paint her nails ). I am horrified and expected more least my mum will make me a cup of tea and bring me some lunch.MIL has specified she wants to be in an old people's home so that wish she most certainly will get 🤣

Get help in, they don't even have ot take the baby out of the house, but you should be able to have a nap, or go for a stroll for an hour and your mental health will improve immensely. God, I remember how utterly horrible I felt with sleepless nights but how, after a single night's sleep I would just completely bounce back. Would a night nanny be an option?

And please ignore the posters who are playing competitive martyr. "I am sure my circs were worse than yours." It's really not a competition. Plenty have been there and we all have made it through one way or another. You will too x

Ask them. Be very specific. Tell them you have asked the other set of GPs too.

Say "I'm struggling with a sensitive baby and I have PND so need some time to take care of myself. Please would you take Baby X for a walk on Tuesday 1030am until 12.

And again on Thursday 10-12 every week for the rest of the summer?"

If they say no outright then YANBU to be sad. There are plenty of people in the same boat and they are sad too.

What the above should do is kick off a negotiation where they say they cannot do Tuesday 1030 and you say "well when could you do as I really do need help and my HV says I should get help ASAP" and then they should say "well how about we do Tuesday 3-5......" . Etc etc.

Does that sound like a conversation you could engineer? Or perhaps your husband could? If you are anxious you could ask him to do a ring round and organise the GPS to support you?

We didn't have family nearby so I arranged for a postnatal doula to come in for 6 weeks after my first born. She was amazing. Saved my sanity. In fact I wish I had arranged that after my 2nd but DH was in the same country so I didn't. It didn't go very well tbh!!!

A post natal doula or an older babysitter could really be helpful in the absence of GPs? It's the summer holidays so plenty of teachers and teaching assistants on leave who might have spare hours they could spend walking your LO around whilst you look after you?

I don’t think they’re saying my situation was worse than yours I think they’re explaining that they REALLY get it.

OP the gym laundry thing is EXACTLY the sort of thing my mother would say. . It’s hard to hear. Be kind to yourself it’s a bit like the grim bit in a really long run. If you can afford it get some help so you can catch up on sleep.

My sleep is actually alright because somehow he sleeps for 6 hours at night so I usually get about 5 or so uninterrupted hours. I’ve just been messaging someone who has looked after a similar baby before. Will try to interview her soon. Feel a bit better already. I do feel a bit nervous because sometimes I feel like I will loose my patience with my son and I wonder how anyone whose not his mother would feel but I guess they will only have him for a little bit not all day long. Thanks for making me feel like there is nothing wrong with getting a bit of paid help. I guess I really look up to my mum and MIL for advice as they have raised children but they aren’t always right about everything.

@Popgoestheweez

And please ignore the posters who are playing competitive martyr. "I am sure my circs were worse than yours." It's really not a competition

You are right. Not a competition. But the OP did ask me directly here if I knew what it was like. So I told her what is was like. I had no choice of g'parents helping and I was also breastfeeding which can be energy sapping in itself. So I DO know.

OP I really do feel for you, I was in a very similar place not so long ago and can promise you it does get better although it doesn’t feel that way way right now.

I had a extremely difficult baby, who cried 24/7. Nothing would console him, he would only sleep on me and that would only be for a matter of minutes and the screaming would start all over again. He absolutely hated being in the pushchair and the car to the point I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house as it was beyond stressful and I was very worried about having a accident because I couldn’t even think straight to drive. The rude comments I used to have off people or the stares when he was screaming also didn’t help my confidence to leave the house.

What I did find very helpful was to carry him around in a sling, we went for walks like it and he would doze off and on really bad days I even used to wear the sling in the house just so he would be quiet and more often or not he would be asleep in minutes and I would just potter about doing things.

We have family very close by and we didn’t have help from anyone. Everyone would be quick to say that they could see I needed a break and how difficult he was but no one would help me out which made me feel very resentful.

If your able to then I would 100% get some paid help, even if it’s just a couple of hours and they can take baby for a walk or you can go out for a coffee in peace. Or even so you and your partner can spend some time alone together to go for some lunch. It really would do you the world of good.

I may of missed it but how old is your baby? It’s so tough and when I think back I sometimes wonder how I even pulled myself through the hard days but it will slowly get better.

Whilst I don’t want to play my baby was worse than yours, at least the OP’s baby sleeps at night and she can afford to pay someone to step in! I didn’t have the luxury of either of those scenarios, therefore it’s hard to feel too sorry for her.

If you’re in SW London, the allergy team at St Thomas’s were brilliant.

There’s unlikely to be much wrong with a baby who sleeps so well at night. Just saying.

@mycatisblack

Wow, you sound lovely

I would suggest the same. Get a babysitter to come round for 2 hours a week. You can also stay in the house with them to start with (e.i have a bath, cook some food, sit in bed with a book...) while the baby sitter looks after the baby in the living room (for example). We all need a break, nothing to worry about. Good luck.

@Southmouth when did it get better for you?

Whilst I don’t want to play my baby was worse than yours, at least the OP’s baby sleeps at night and she can afford to pay someone to step in! I didn’t have the luxury of either of those scenarios, therefore it’s hard to feel too sorry for her.

Clearly it is for you. For people blessed with average amounts of empathy I think it's quite easy to feel sorry for a woman with PND and clearly at the end of her tether, without starting to play silly and petty competitive 'who had it worse' games.

Thanks @ newaccount

To all those trying to tell me my situation isn’t as bad as theirs, I’m sure there are people in worse situations than I am and people who were in worse situations than you were. That doesn’t negate what someone is going though or what they are feeling when going through it and it doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve support whether that’s sympathy, reassurance and advice from kind people on the Internet, family support or some paid help!

@poster NewAccount270219

To be fair, I did start off feeling sorry for her but it’s difficult to empathise with someone who has a baby who sleeps well. Having experienced two that didn’t for six years, I can report that sleep deprivation is torture, resulting in really struggling to cope! But there you go, it does get better.

I'm sorry ok but your mother and mil don't get to judge you for getting paid help if they don't help. do they want you to carry on struggling unnecessarily

have you thought about routine/sleep? you might find your baby is a little more settled if better rested. at 3 months old you're aiming for 11-12 hour per night (with a couple of wake ups no doubt for feeds) and 3 naps a day totalling 2-3 hours.

Ugh that sucks and you must be disappointed. I went through something similar and eventually just realised I either had to do everything on my own or just hire a part time nanny.

OP, I would absolutely get paid help. I didn't because I felt I was failing and didn't want others to see that I couldn't get my babies to be quiet and good. Looking back I was totally sleep deprived and not making sensible choices. DH tried hard to persuade me to get help. Neither of my pair was that bad by themselves to be honest but together they nearly broke me in the first 3 months.
I would get part time paid professional help not a casual babysitter. Even if you just have a long bath and pop to the shops it will help.

I did start off feeling sorry for her but it’s difficult to empathise with someone who has a baby who sleeps well.

Mine slept appallingly and I found it really tough. I can still have sympathy for another new mother - especially one who is ill - because I'm not completely self-absorbed and completely wallowing in my own self pity.

@poster NewAccount270219

Well bully for you, I hope you’re comfortable up there on the high moral ground.