To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

@Hangingwithmygnomies sounds like my DS in the sense that he’s happy when he wakes up after a long sleep but fussing starts after the first feed and continues all day until he passes out at night. However he doesn’t bring up any milk and his pops are fine. Part of me feels like trying Nutramigen but I don’t know. Already changed his formula twice now

Ruby it isn't top trumps as to who has it harder. You don't know how heavy the emotional lifting is caring for a parent and your Mum and MIL have forgotten the grimness of life with a newborn.

Come on now, ring your HV, ask for a Homestart volunteer.

@PeggySuehadababy that’s what I feel. I’m from an Asian background where family is everything and grandmothers play a huge role in their grand children’s lives. Like I said my grandmother and my husband’s grandmothers used to stay for 6 months after the babies birth! Now even a couple of hours a week feels like too much. Times are really changing I guess

@FlibbertyGiblets HV said she will refer to HomeStart but not to get my hopes up as she’s not sure they will be able to help/send someone

Look, you have a straightforward choice. Either you can waste a load of time and energy wishing your family were different to how they are. Or you can take up the practical suggestions people have offered on this thread and get the help you desperately need from elsewhere.

None of this takes away from the fact that you've been dealt a rough hand, family-wise. It sucks and it's unfair that some people have a ton of support while others have nothing. But resenting it won't change it. By all means have a good vent about it - you deserve that right! - but do also take some practical steps to get the help you need.

Like I said my grandmother and my husband’s grandmothers used to stay for 6 months after the babies birth!

Sometimes we forget that we had it easy when it was our time to parent. My parents barely help when they visit, and my father days it's because he did his share of parenting already. Truth is, I grew up with my grandparents so they could have time to work, rest and relax. Talk about parenting.

All the people getting upset that I won’t ask my FIL to help what do you expect that suddenly a man in his sixties with anxiety will start taking care of a screaming baby? That ridiculous. My husband and I are past this sexist nonsense. He helps out loads. Somebody needs to continue to work at the moment and we made the decision that it should be him because he’s more ambitious than I am.

Well done for asking your mum- and well done BertrandRussell for making you! Your mums response is really telling. I’m not surprised you are hurt and baffled by her response. What kind of SAHM/retired person can’t fit in laundry and an exercise class on the same day?! Lamest excuse ever. I would be tempted to be honest and just say “mum, I appreciate you have your own life but I’m really struggling at the moment and it hurt my feelings that you seemed to be using an exercise class as an excuse not to come and help me out.” Maybe that would make her think? And maybe say something about the grandma thing too! Eg what her mum did for her!
Have you got any siblings? If so, do they have children and what is your mum like with them?
Sounds like you have been a very dutiful daughter with regular visits, maybe fitting your life in with parents more than them ever fitting into yours?

RubyPurple honestly it was one of the worst times of my life! I have hardly any happy memories from the first 6 months of my son's life and it completely put me off having anymore children. DS2 was a happy accident but I spent my entire pregnancy stressing if we would have a repeat. For the first week after DS2 he literally just slept, ate and pooped - hardly ever cried! I remember asking my Mum if that's what babies were supposed to be like . When his crying started I knew better this time, went to the GP and told them I though silent reflux (constant wet hiccups, used to grimace and scream when he yawned, wouldn't be laid flat etc) they agreed and we got referred to a gastro paed who confirmed and started him on ranitidine when he was 5 weeks, changed his milk to Hipp Organic and the difference was amazing.
I don't think you're being unreasonable in the circumstances, in wanting some help. Speak to your HV about a Homestart volunteer. They come and sit with you/baby for a couple of hours a week and will give you the chance to at least have a bath or just to rest. Your Mum and MIL maybe wary about looking after him as he cries so much and they're not used to it. It didn't bother mine as both my brother and BIL were both high maintenance children (still are as adults!). I promise it does pass eventually. Tips we had were using a lie flat pram that has a tilt function so although their backs were flat, the incline made it so the acid couldn't come up as easy. Swing seat, sling and white noise app on hair dryer noise.

@cyberworrier Pre baby we both had high pressure jobs and would almost always set aside our Saturdays for parents and do our housework and chilling on Sundays. We didn’t have much of a social life. Went out as a couple once a month. They used to tell us that they felt lonely (especially FIL who has anxiety) as they were retired and had no other children nearby so we made sure they had something to look forward to. It’s not as much as parents end up doing for their children, but it was the best we could do

I think you're being really unfair Bertrand - OP's mother has made it as clear as she can without saying so that she doesn't want to help. OP isn't being passive aggressive. Saying, 'great, I'll have the kettle on!' when someone very reluctantly half agrees to come round in a way that is clearly actually meant to convey a 'no' - now that would be passive aggressive.

I suspect your relatives have forgotten what it's like having a newborn, OP, and so don't realise how desperate you are. It's amazing how quickly it leaves you - DS is only a year and already I remember finding the first few months really hard but I can no longer remember quite why or what it was like. There's a lot of rose tinted spectacles about the baby stage about.

Definitely get paid help. Probably one reason why the health visitor isn't sure homestart can help is that they prioritise low income families, which you are not - and that's clearly how it should be. You can throw money at the problem - so do.

re agency nannies, it was a fair few years ago but I got both my (excellent) nannies through agencies. I found I was better able to discuss specifically what I wanted and they knew more about qualifications. I used a local (SE commuter town) agency who discussed my requirements, sent several cvs arranged interviews etc.

Times may have changed, but I feel if you just advertise I don't know how you would check qualifications etc and filter through all the responses.

Incidentally many years on we stay in touch with both of the lovely nannies - they came to us as strangers but became very bonded!

The more I read the more I feel sorry for the OP's mum. I'm also from an Asian background and generalising here but OP's mother raised her DC singlehandedly, cares for her elderly mother (yes I do consider her a carer, she has has to cook for her and deliver food everyday, stay at her home for several hours, that is a huge commitment) and probably has to run after her husband too.

Instead of being proactive and getting the help she can afford OP can't get past why her family are not doing it.

Please do not rely on Homestart when you can easily afford paid help. There is a waiting list, they are not a baby sitting company either and there are some very, very vulnerable families desperately waiting on this service.

The more I read the more I feel sorry for the OP's mum

What, the woman who finds it all a bit full on if she goes to an exercise class and does a load of laundry in the same day? Not sure she's used to a life of ceaseless toil tbh

@cardamoncoffee The only reason I haven’t got paid help is because our parents make us feel like we are awful people for considering leaving the baby with a stranger. They both said he’s too small for that in addition to that my mother in law said- we don’t know what kind of person they might be. What if they have a disease and he catches it from them- how will you feel then and my mum said to me that anyone that takes him on will run away because he’s so difficult. So they think I should do it all without any help or support and I’m really struggling with that .

@RubyPurple I completely understand why you haven't got anyone in before now but you're clearly at breaking point now. Neither your DM nor your MIL have the right to insist that you manage completely by yourself with a high needs baby.

Would they even know if you got someone in for a few hours a day? You don't have to tell them.

@RubyPurple - I suggest you look at getting a maternity nurse. They will work with you to get your baby settled. It sounds like he has a cmpa to me (nanny and MN) but I’d have to see him in action as it were.

A good maternity nurse will know what is wrong and how to fix it so that you get to enjoy your baby rather than struggling with him.

The MN’s I know are also great for getting the GP to listen!!

Agencies or word of mouth are the best way to go with MN’s. If you want to PM me and let you know what area you are in, I might know if a few who could help. You don’t need to have them 24/7. Some just do nights so you get a good night sleep, some do 24/3 and everything in between. You do need some consistency for both you and baby.

Good luck, he is fixable, it’s just about finding out the problem!!

NewAccount are you from an Asian background? That exercise class might be the one thing the DM has for herself and is saving her sanity. The washing she hung out might have been her DM's bed sheets that were needed ASAP so she had to miss her class. Life for Asian mothers (generalising again) was very, very difficult. We have it very easy in comparison.

OP make it very clear that getting paid help is a necessity for you, not a luxury. They might express concern forever more but repeat, repeat, repeat.

@callaird thanks. Im in SW London. Do you know anyone here?

He’s been seen by a paed who specialises in allergies and he didn’t mention CMPA as a possibility only reflux. I will ask him about it at follow up but I think he will probably say it’s unlikely as he has no other symptoms.

Definitely mention it and ask for it to be followed up - even specialists aren't infallible.

“Neither your DM nor your MIL have the right to insist that you manage completely by yourself with a high needs baby.

Would they even know if you got someone in for a few hours a day? You don't have to tell them.”

Yes- this is very true and sensible.

How is a nanny or maternity nurse less germy than a grandparent? Like, seriously, how?!

“How is a nanny or maternity nurse less germy than a grandparent? Like, seriously, how?!”

Maybe they think that someone might bring germs from a poorly child they had been looking after?

Bonkers, obviously, but what they might be thinking.

They are being extremely controlling, on the one hand refusing to help you but on the other hand trying to prevent you from getting help elsewhere, it's a two pronged attack designed to crush you and bring you under their control