To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

Some parents want to be very involved and some don’t and one should really respect their choice

This. So long as said parents then respect their children's choice not to run around after them when they're old.

It’s funny how it’s always the older women in the family, who’ve already done potentially decades of child rearing, who are expected to ‘help’ with someone else’s child in their later years and are judged for not doing so.

It's also the norm on these pages that they, particularly MILs, are expected to keep their noses out where a new baby is concerned becuase its mother is 'the expert', now it seems that they're expected to help out!

Why isn't your husband sharing the load? He surely must be home sometimes.

I think everyone is in a difficult situation. It may be easier on DH if he could rent out a small office locally? I think you can employ someone to help you out, let you get some sleep etc. Have the baby checked out for things like tongue tie etc.

Have you tried an upright sling? Dd was a refluxy screamer but that enabled me to take her out and do things. Sometimes you just have to ride out the yelling though. Keep outings short but at least you get out for a bit. Have you tried asking for their help to cover appointments like gp or dentist ? Maybe they would be more willing if the break had a purpose and was a defined time.

OP, fuck their opinions and get paid help. We found our nanny through a facebook mums group. There isn't a need to go through agencies depending on where you live. Since you can be flexible with hours, look for someone who works as an afterschool nanny and can do the school hours for you. You need help for your sanity.
I had a moderate needs baby, but also one who wanted to be held almost all the time during the first 4 months, and I had PND and postnatal anxiety. My mum stayed with us for 3 months and it was a lifesaver. If you can't access free family help, and you can afford paid help, please get it! A nanny won't run away.

Babies, even very young babies settle differently for different people - so with a nanny your baby might well sleep in the Moses basket or in the pram. Or for 5-7 hours a week she can wear him in a sling and walk around. You can be around supervising, or resting while she looks after him and ease into it. Good luck!

I agree that it would be best to draw a line under your hope that your parents or your parents in law will step up to help you, they clearly won't, they are prioritising their own parents.
However this means you're under no obligation to help them when they need it so perhaps it is a blessing in disguise.
Honestly I would just forget about them and get on on with focusing on finding other help.

They are both carers. You may think that's nothing but, frankly, you are wrong. And they have households to run. I've done babies and am now doing caring. Both are hard and take up hours.

You want them to pay attention to you and treat you as someone who is important, who needs and deserves care and concern for the difficulties that you are experiencing, it must be very hurtful but they are not doing that, but you just have to accept it.
This is about them, they are choosing not to line up their priorities with yours, it is their right to do that but the choices have consequences,they will reap what they sow and you will become a more resourceful stronger person, independent of and not beholden to them

@RubyPurple * @ScoobyCan sounds like my DS. You had no other symptoms? Was it a milk protein allergy or lactose intolerance for your baby?*

Lactose intolerance. He still can't eat ice cream, but the more processed the foodstuff is the less his tummy hurts. He cannot tolerate any milk other than lactose free - I put him on soya then a friend showed me just how much sugar there is in it so I moved to lactose free - it's hard though as you can rarely find full fat lactose free. It's funny how he naturally used to steer away from food which gave him a very gassy tummy (and aches / pain beyond belief) - he seems to instinctively shy away from things which you would naturally expect a toddler to love (ice cream / mini milk / chocolate). It was exhausting though I really feel for you. I used to run a warm bath at his worst, and we would sit in it together - sometimes I didn't even have time to do that so he spent many happy 20mins in the sink just so his tummy would relax. He's only (at 8) just started having more solid poos too (sorry TMI) as there is often hidden lactose in foodstuffs. It was a most challenging time - STBXH "WFH" too but was utterly useless.... Hence divorcing now.

What is it exactly that you want @Rubypurple?

I'm not being unkind I just want you to think about what you are needing and asking for.

Do you want someone to literally hold and feed your baby when he cries? Do you need to get out of the house for a break from it? How do you think this would work with a stranger of your mum/ MIL?
Is it not a teeny bit unreasonable of you to ask them to try to comfort a screaming baby for an hour or more?

Would you feel happy or settled going out and leaving him like that?

Genuinely, I don't know what you want from your mum or a nanny.

What's your main objective? Do you want time to clean, go for a walk, see a friend? Or do you simply need to literally pass your baby to someone so you can escape his screaming?

I think you are being v unfair to your DM and DMIL. They both have caring responsibilities and these are draining - as you now know, with your own child! Caring is tiring, and your DM and DMIL are a good bit older than you. I doubt they have the energy to look after a child as well. Cut them some slack, they are caring for their own family just because they do not like the idea of strangers caring for them - that is why they are saying that to you about your child.

I would suggest you offer to take over visits for a week, while they watch your son. That way you both get a change of responsibilities.

Or, pay for help - they won't like it, but once it's up and running and you and your child are happier, they'll come round to it.

It's also the norm on these pages that they, particularly MILs, are expected to keep their noses out where a new baby is concerned becuase its mother is 'the expert', now it seems that they're expected to help out!

What gets me is the OP’s reply that either her father or father in law (sorry, can’t recall which one) have apparently never changed a nappy in their lives, therefore aren’t expected to help... whereas their wife, who has therefore from the sounds of it raised her children practically without any help from their father, is expected in her retirement to take on the burden of care for yet another child, one she never chose to have.

You can see how the sexist crap gets passed down from generation to generation. OP feels upset that neither grandma will help but both granddads get off scot free.

Nobody is entitled to help from relatives. I appreciate it’s a difficult time but you chose to have the baby, it’s your responsibility to make it work, just hire some paid care already. It’s not something you can try shift onto an unwilling relative with their own lives to lead. You’re incredibly fortunate to be able to afford this option.

Expecting my first btw (no, I’m not saying I know what it’s like in OP’s shoes I’m just going by what she’s said), and from the start before even TTC we were both very clear with ourselves that the responsibility for caring for this baby begins and ends with us. I can not fathom having expectations that either of our parents would have any duty to give up their own free time and responsibilities to care for a child that they had no part in creating. I’ll be pleased if they have a relationship and my baby gets to benefit from having grandparents who love them, but even that isn’t something you can go into parenting expecting from others and whatever happens we will be the parents and it’s on us. It’s pretty self absorbed that anyone would see grandparent help as anything other than a generous and kind offer and feel entitled to it.

Not to mention the number of threads on MN where relying on relatives for childcare goes horribly wrong; the cheapest way to pay for something is often with money!

But it’s not a bad suggestion from PP for OP to offer to swap caring for their grandmother with caring for her child, as long as it’s an offer not an expectation. I also wonder how much regular help OP has given them with her grandmother over the years.

OP you seem oddly fixated on trying to force your mother and your husband’s mother to do what you want.

I wonder why this is and what you want from this thread.

You have other options open to you. You have plenty money to hire a qualified and experienced helper , but you choose not to.

You have an able bodied husband who could also do some caring for his child, but he chooses not to. And you don’t even expect him to care for his own child.

This all seems a bit odd to me.

@RubyPurple - and the worst thing? I physically had to leave the house if anyone came to help by taking him from me. If my BF came over and held him, I wouldn't be able to stand the fact she could keep him quiet for five minutes whilst I was out of the room but the minute I returned he would start up again. I began feeling like he hated me and that I was the reason he cried. Getting out of the house, however, represented it's own major issues - my self-confidence was through the floor, my agoraphobia was massively heightened (having never suffered before) and I had a toddler. If I put my sobbing DC in the car he would sleep, but the number of times I would pull over just to get 40 winks whilst he slept and he would wake immediately? It was just horrendous. My folks just didn't get it - it felt like nobody in my family really understood. In hindsight I can say I was terrified about going to the doctor and asking for help as I feared they would tell me I was a shit mother and they would take my baby away. Please seek help if only for a couple of hours just to get out of the house. I would cry and cry in the shower. I never wanted the DC to see me so upset ☹️☹️☹️

I don't think the OP is being unfair to her mother and MIL.
They don't want/aren't able to help - fair enough - BUT they also don't want her to get help elsewhere and are judging her for it, and that's NOT fair.

Help if you don't want her to outsource to "strangers", and if you can't, then don't fucking criticise someone who is already on their knees and has diagnosed PND.

THAT's the unfair bit.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis

@morejumpingfrogs I’ve helped them both out before the baby and I really feel that making someone lunch, having a chat and doing admin is not as exhausting as looking after this type of baby all the time

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time OP. DS2 is a very clingy baby (as was DS1) although it doesn't sound anywhere near the level you're dealing with. It's not you, it's really, really hard.

I would throw money at the problem and I would do that in 3 ways:

1. See a private paediatrician and question them very closely about allergies/any other potential reasons for the crying. It may well be that your baby cries a lot for no reason but it's got to be worth exploring a bit further.

2. Get a nanny/mothers help to come in every day for a couple of hours after lunch so you can have a break. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about this (in fact you don't even have to tell them- they're not there, how will they know?) you need it and you need it urgently. Start contacting agencies today.

3. Get a cleaner once a week to sort the house a bit so that when your husband is home on the weekend you can give each other a break rather than juggling the baby so you can do housework.

This too shall pass. Take care.

Apologies I've not read the full thread, just your updates OP. I really feel for you - I was there with my DS1 (although I did have help from my Mum and MIL) but the constant crying wears you down so much. He never slept for more than 20 mins at a time during the day but would then sleep most of the night from being so exhausted. He would wake up happy, have his first feed and then cry constantly from there. I remeber crying to my BF when he was 6 weeks old that he's be better off without me as I thought I was doing something wrong. We saw several Dr's and got fobbed off with colic and then they said Gastro bug when he was 6/7 weeks old due to extremely loose mucousy poo which lasted basically until he started solids at 18 weeks. He sometimes vomitied whole feeds but not often. His spit up most of the time was curdled sour smelling sick. Dr kept telling me a temporary lactose intolerance due to the gastro bug
Fast forward 6 years when seeing a gastro paed for DS2 reflux, he said it was classic CMPA (cows milk protein allergy) symptoms. Anti reflux milk and reflux meds will not work on their own if it is. Actual lactose intolerance is pretty unusual in babies and most of the time, if it's an intolerance it is normally to the milk protein. Most do grow out if it. Do not allow them to fob you off as an over anxious first time Mum like they did with me. I should've trusted my instincts that there was more going on. We found a swing seat helped with the movement sometimes. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk about it x

My Dd2 was like this. She cried constantly all through the day. I had no help as my parents and DH were working full time. I wanted my Dd1 to carry on with her activities. I had a baby carrier. We tried everything infacol, gripe water, colief, cranial osteopathy, ranitidine, changing her milk to soya. You just have to get through it.

You could try a local charity called Homestart My HV got me in touch with them when I had problems, they were brilliant.

@JinglingHellsBells looking for a break. If you’ve had an almost constantly crying or screaming baby you will know what it does to you mentally. If you haven’t it might be difficult to understand.

You're having a go about your mum again. Does she pick up on this? Apologies if your dad isn't around but otherwise can't he help?

Since when visiting a person 1h a day makes you their carer? Because that's what OP's mum does. She doesn't spend her day looking after her mother.

OP, get a nanny, as you can afford it, and don't give a second thought. Too many women suffer from poor mental health after having babies because they are isolated from their families. There's no sense of community that you had once, when you had grandparents, uncles and aunties always around.