To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

If you want to check for lactose intolerance without changing milk, get some colief and add that to the milk. It breaks down lactose and if crying improves (after a few days) you could look at changing milk.

Yes allergy babies can calm when you walk them because it's soothing and a distraction. Reflux meds didn't work for mine either but she definitely had it.

Yes! Colief was what helped ds2. Amazing stuff, which I had forgotten all about.

(One day, OP, you too will have forgotten this and be worrying about your dc's exam results/unsuitable girlfriend/driving test. Hang on in there )

Op I haven't read every single reply sorry.

I had a baby like yours, with no help and a DH who worked away! He actually had sensory problems diagnosed a couple years later so vibrations and white noise were awful for him, hated car seats and the buggy and I didn't have a sling to start with but then when he was an older baby those all became things that helped him settle. You've done the first hardest three months and everything will get easier especially when he starts moving and playing and eating and getting himself into a routine so congratulate yourself for surviving this far.

This sounds crazy from what you've said so far but have you tried swimming? Mine hated the bath, used to scream so much I thought he would break but water babies class was just the happiest 30mins of the week and also ensured a great feed and sleep for the rest of the afternoon and then would just be calmer.

Also this worrying about a nursery or nanny wanting him is just your PND talking, they are professionals and will take it in their stride and unlike you it's not for 24/7 so much easier to deal with.

Get a homestart person to come help you get out and about, the more time out the house you have the happier you'll be.

Also do you have any crèches near by the kind you get in leisure centres or gyms, having an hour here or three hours there so you can have a coffee in peace, go for a walk or even home for a quick nap. They have babies from six or eight weeks and even though my baby would scream most of the time at home when he was in there he would fall asleep or settle in a bouncer happy as anything.

Same with a nursery if you can afford it get a couple half days a week and give yourself time on your own.

When your husband has the baby it's so tempting to clean or cook, unless that's something that makes you happy then don't do it. You guys can live off frozen chopped stuff chucked into a slow cooker or takeaways and ready meals with micro steam veg for a few months. That's your time to sleep, moisturise, walk anything you want so don't faff about with jobs.

Look at the organised mum method for cleaning if you don't have a cleaner it really takes off the pressure to do stuff once you've got the couple jobs for that day done. But if your dh can do them before work even better.

You will feel better once your treatment kicks in, your baby will be easier to deal with soon and you can do this.

I am a grandmother and do (and have done) lots of child care; and my AC know I am always here if a problem emerges and they need extra help. I take immense delight in the relationships that I have with all 7 of them - it is one of the great joys of my life.

But.....just to put in a word for those grandparents who feel unable to help! - you do slow down as you get older and what is relatively easy when you are young requires a huge effort of will when you are older, and there are times when I grit my teeth in the face of a fair amount of musculo-skeletal pain, and tiredness in caring for my invalid OH.

I am sorry that your little boy is so challenging and that you are struggling; but I can understand why his GPs may not feel able to help as much as they might like. We are the "sandwich generation", caring for elderly parents of our own (as folk live so much longer now), whilst also wanting to help with the GC - if this wee lad is challenging to care for, maybe they fear they might not be up to the task.

Are there any other sources of support nearby? I wish you lots of good luck.

For the DM and MIL pov:

• I wouldn’t want to look after a difficult baby
• I wouldn’t want to have to give up what I want to do e.g classes to raise another child when I’ve done that as a SAHM for years.
• I’m already helping out other relatives/husband

I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to help out tbh. Especially when you haven’t really discussed it with them.

People raise children and then they leave the home and it’s there first time after maybe 21 years that they can truly just do what they want to do. Having to look after difficult babies probably isn’t what they envisioned.

Sorry

YANBU OP. My DS1 was a high needs baby. He cried constantly until his tongue tie was finally detected and cut when he was 4 months old. My HVs were frankly useless, telling me to go on anti depressants and refusing to believe that there was anything wrong. He also wouldn’t nap unless he was being held, or in the car until he was at least 6 months old. Once my DH asked his mum to come over and help me with him so I could get some housework done, she laughed and asked what on Earth did I need help for. For context, DH said that her own parents/DH’s grandparents “practically brought me up”.

@Booboo66 What did you do it the reflux medicines didn’t work? Just wait it out?

@RubyPurple - the only way he would settle was if I swayed and patted, swayed and patted, and moved around 24/7. It was exhausting. I never slept.

@RubyPurple You need to be much more assertive in asking for what you need from your mother, but you also need to give her a bit more notice so she can arrange it around the other things she has going on. So when you see her tomorrow, make a firm plan for her to come around on Tuesday or Wednesday next week for a couple of hours.

Awww OP, I am so sorry. Having a needy baby is really hard and I'm sending you massive hugs. My DC are now 10 and 13 but I remember how awful the crying was - soul destroying. My parents and in-laws lived hours away and it was a very lonely time. They have got so much better as the kids have got older though, which doesn't help you at the moment, I know.
You must prioritise yourself. Loads of people put babies into nurseries, some are there full time - find one and get him in for an afternoon once a week. I guarantee that he will be loved and well cared for! And the difference to your wellbeing will be absolutely worth it! My mum in law was so against us using a nursery when my DD was wee, but if I didn't get back to work I was going to lose it - not good for the baby at all. And we have a close relationship now - it didn't do her any harm!

The OP doesn’t have to be assertive. She just had to be clear and not passive aggressive.

@sincethereis I know I do get that but I’m not expecting full time childcare from them. I know some people do get that sort of help but I have always been clear that If I do go back to work I will be putting him in paid childcare. I just need them to do 2-3 hours a week for the time being until he stops crying so much. I think paid care now is the way to go but they both seemed to think it was bad to leave such a small baby with anyone else that’s why I haven’t done it yet.

I honestly believe I didn't experience PND the first time because I was surrounded by help and support. My second time round, I had no one and was cut off and isolated by the father of my second child. I was an absolute mess the second time.

I'm sorry your baby isn't easier. My second was a difficult baby (and is a difficult eight year old now, but it's not her fault love her) and it does get easier. I couldn't go back to the unpredictability of a potentially fractious and difficult baby, even if u hadn't had myself sterilised.

Good luck, and you can do this with or without them

YANBU. Families should be more helpful than this! Coming from a family where the level of support on any issue on both sides is absolutely zero, I know the pain of looking enviously at other families and wondering what it must be like to be surrounded by care, love and practical support. I feel your pain!

However, the big life lesson I have learned is that this comparison isn't helpful. It doesn't matter how much you say that the support OUGHT to be there, it ISN'T in reality. And it never will be. The best advice I have to give is to build your own resilient battle plan. Get paid help wherever you can afford to do so. Reach out to other people you know, explain the situation and ask for help - you may be surprised how delighted many are to be able to step in. Join local groups for mums and babies and develop a network there. And don't forget to look after yourself - you need some time out with your husband too. Build your own 'alternative' family, and - when you have capacity in future - pay back what they've given you. And calibrate your responses to your family in terms of this.

I would lay it on the line. Tell them that for you and the baby's sake you have to have a break. As no one else can do it you are going to hire someone in.

Ignore their judgy arses. If they say a word ask them what they would do.

Firstly OP, it sounds totally draining to have such a fractious baby and there is no wonder that you are feeling at rock bottom but to be fair to your mum and MIL, they sound as if they have plenty of other things going on too but I'd bet my bottom dollar that they're thinking if baby's mum can't settle him and cope with him then they won't be able to either!
It's quite sad that they aren't willing to at least pop over every now and then to give you a break - I can't imagine not supporting my daughter or any DIL in the future - but they clearly have their reasons and you can't force them to or want to.
I would definitely look into employing a nanny or finding a nursery and I wouldn't give a second thought to what anybody thought about it!
Good luck and I hope things settle soon

they both seemed to think it was bad to leave such a small baby with anyone else that’s why I haven’t done it yet

Sorry but if they are not willing to help you, they have no right to be judgemental about you finding help elsewhere. Ignore them.

Get paid help. Find someone experienced with difficult babies; they will be an amazing help. And you will get a much earned break even if just for a few hours a week. I hope it gets easier.

if this wee lad is challenging to care for, maybe they fear they might not be up to the task

Exactly this. That said, does he sleep if he's in a buggy? If so, each could take him out for a walk in the buggy for an hour once a week to give you a break twice a week. That would not be difficult or time consuming for them.

I can’t say “ask them” again, can I?

Personally I don’t think it’s at all fair to expect parental involvement.

When I had my first child my parents were still both working, so they actually couldn’t do childcare. But equally neither of them like it. They’ve done their child-rearing.

Some parents want to be very involved and some don’t and one should really respect their choice.

Ask for the help, OP, paid if needs be. It's taken me five years to get to a point where I am willing to accept (paid) help with my two DC. I booked an ad hoc nanny for tomorrow afternoon (DH is working away) and I intend to have a bath, dye my hair and do a few garden jobs. I would never have allowed myself to do that when DS was a baby and I don't know why.

It doesn't matter that your baby doesn't know a new person. That new person will soon become very familiar to them. Very young babies don't care about new people and older babies remember people very quickly.

@ScoobyCan sounds like my DS. You had no other symptoms? Was it a milk protein allergy or lactose intolerance for your baby?

My screamy high needs baby turned out to have a cows milk protein allergy, which is different from a lactose intolerance. He ended up on Neocate but it took a long time, by the time we got referred to the Paeds allergy team. We used to spend hours pacing the living room with him. He was also on ranitidine for reflux.

If you want to pay for help then do it. Your mil and DM don’t get to have an opinion on that whilst refusing to help. In fact they don’t get an opinion full stop because he’s your child.

Get in Bubble, OP. You don't even have to leave the house. Go and have a bath.