To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

They can't refuse to help and also look down on you for getting paid help. Anyway it doesn't matter what they think. I would still push for an hour here or there with them but also look into paid help. And if you haven't already, go see the GP about baby. HVs don't always have the answer.

@seven201 did you baby have a constant need to be held and walked around like a typical high needs baby? My son will often stop screaming if I do that but I can’t do it all the time.

RubyPurple my only symptom of cows milk intolerance is severe stomach cramps, to the point I can move. It's like really bad labour pains.

It's really painful and takes my breath away. I was a screamy baby and had these stomach cramps all through my childhood.

OP, it sounds like you are having a tough time, and it's disappointing that your family isn't able to help out. No wonder you are feeling lost and abandoned. It sounds like they have their own challenges with older, needy relatives, but it
S not nice to be dumped at the bottom of the pile.

How would you feel about hiring a postnatal doula? Someone who can work with you to identify your needs and the needs of your baby. They tend to be more collaborative in their approach than nannies and it's their role to help you be the Mum you want to be whilst they nurture you. It sounds like you need a bit of nurturing. Good luck to you x

“She said she missed her exercise class yesterday because she wanted to put her washing out and so she wanted to go for it today. I said not to worry then.“

Instead of saying “That’s great! See you after your class- i’ll have the kettle on!”

Sorry if someone else has already shared this link
Don’t want visitors after the birth
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childbirth/3639546-Don-t-want-visitors-after-the-birth
It is typical of MN that lots of mothers shut out grandparents, particularly PILs, because they just want life to be about 'their little family'. They are then taken aback when no one takes much interest in their children.
I am not say ing this is you OP, but I didn't know anyone who had much support when my children were little. I relied upon my Mum friends and paid childcare. I found SAH mothers with one my child's age and a school age child were pleased with some pocket money from caring for my child for an hour or two.

Sorry op this sounds horrible I totally get your frustration, I would go back to the dr and look into allergies more

@Rubypurple I am the same age as your mum and she sounds pathetic! Missing her exercise class because she had to put washing out? FFS!
Hasn't she heard of time management????

I get the feeling you aren't the most assertive person in the world. You really need to be completely honest with your mum and tell her you are struggling. Asking her to come over for an hour and accepting her 'yes/no'/maybe and then saying they will disapprove of you getting help sounds a bit feeble to be honest. You are a grown up! Ask for what you need and stop feeling guilty.

What was your relationship like before you had the baby?

Looking at this from the other side, it may be your mum feels she will be swamped if she takes on baby care duties. She may think it could escalate. I don't know. The thing is- is your baby going to scream for hours with a baby minder whoever that is? Maybe your mum feels genuinely unable to cope if that's the case.

I think you need to try to engage with other mums locally, get to know them and get out a bit with your baby if you can. Your baby will also pick up your anxiety and mood, which may be part of the reason they are so unsettled. If you can relax a bit and accept most babies are like this, it might help things a bit.

I really feel for you OP. My DS was really high needs he still is aged 4.
I had to cope alone but my DP was there in the evenings and it put my MH in a very bad place.
Your DM and MIL are very unfair.
I wouldn't ask again, Is there a neighbour or a local babysitter who can take him for 6 hours a week paid, even an au pair or someone else au pair looking for some extra cash.
You need the break badly, check local services for a childminding website.

Hi Rubypurple,

I am a Maternity Nanny, someone who cares for a Mum & newborn after delivery.

Agencies will be able to help, be clear with what you want ie a pair of needy baby experienced hands to care for him, to soothe him and give you time to relax and recharge. Many of us MN are experienced with needy babies and can often spot signs that families may not have connected to paint a bigger picture. Someone who has done additional learning like the Be Ready to Parent Reflux, early allergies and CMPA course is a good start. The course and exam really do give a guge base of understanding and can help you when approaching the gp or paed.

The reflux signs, crying & constant need for rocking & motion are signs that allergy may be an issue, the feeding calms the acid burn and quite often reflux babies are on the cuddlier side not the skinny side also a cough or hoarse voice, can be thought of as a result of crying but is an allergy sign as is rough or irritated skin.

Yes babies cry, even after 30+yrs of experience some of the babies i care for cry but excessive crying is a symptom.

Draw a line under the expected help from your mum/mil and go forward with a plan to get some daytime, overnight or 24hr care.

I hope this helps. PM if you wish.

I feel your pain op, my mum is similar.

Apart from the fact she's "too busy" looking after my sisters dc 3 days a week. Just the odd hour or so would help but it all revolves around my sister and her offspring, she even cooks dinner for them all on those days because my sister is "broke" and can't afford childcare for one child....she's currently moving to a much bigger, more expensive house without remortgaging "broke" because of and I quote "all the money we've saved". I'm not bitter... l am

I will happily leave all the elderly care to my sister.

@RubyPurple yes. I wore her in a baby carrier outwards facing most of the time. Would never allow me to put her flat, always vertical facing outwards (whether held or in carrier).

My son was like this at three months. He was held 24 hours a day. He's now had treatment for silent reflux and at six months is much better and actually cheerful most of the time although he's still very clingy to me and I still have him with me day and night while my partner sleeps upstairs (as he wants to breastfeed at night and cries when I leave the room!) Now I'm on sertraline for pnd and it all feels much more manageable although I do get resentful that I've not had a decent nights sleep or seen my friends in six months as I can't leave him. I'm also worried about going back to work in a few months but I've got no option if we want to pay the billls.

He will get better as he gets older, he's still very little. I have no family close by who can help although I'm lucky that they would help more if they could. I try and see it that the next year will go quickly and then things will be different, it's jsut a phase you need to get through.

Getting paid help for a few hours per day, for a few months, for a nigh needs baby, isn’t something someone should look down on.

It’s someone identifying a problem, finding a solution and executing it. It’s a responsible, mature, safe way to proceed. Allowing yourself to be hindered by societal or familial expectations when the downsides are serious, is immature and irresponsible.

Let them look down on you. You’re a parent now, not just a daughter. You need to do the right thing.

I’ve tried to meet other mums and it makes me feel worse because they have ‘normal’ babies who only cry or scream if they’re hungry, dirty, need comfort. My DS can be fed, changed and in my arms and still be crying. It’s not ALL the time (I guess that’s how it is with allergy babies) but I would say he’s unhappy (fussing or screaming) 70-80% of his awake time.

I’ve had a good relationship with both sets of parents. We would make sure before baby that we visited either my parents or DHs parents every Saturday and sometimes visit both or have them around. We still try to go over on weekends when we can.

Haven't rtft, but please PM me if you're in the Midlands. I'm a teacher so DBS checked and currently off for summer. I'd be happy to meet up or even take your baby off your hands for an hour or two! Have my own 10 month old, but he's at nursery.

My son had colic then got all his teeth at once so 1.5 years of screaming and being a difficult baby.

No one would have him although, everyone took him off me to try and show me how to stop him crying, although obviously gave him back when they realised he just screamed and nothing helped him.

It gets easier, I honestly had days where I just hated life and it can be so hard, it helped me to go off social media for a few months as without realising seeing mums and babies who had a normal relationship was making me so much worse.

Definitely hire someone. I do wonder how different my son and my early relationship would have been if I had help. I think grandparents have shown their colours and asking them will only upset you more so I think nursery/nanny is the way to go, and remember they won't be sleep deprived so a few hours screaming won't affect them like it does you

@TheSerenDipitY @Wishihad @seven201 have all hit the nail on the head: my DC was finally Dx with lactose intolerance. It seemed that the whole WORLD would not believe me when I said the Dr had told me my child was intolerant to my breastmilk. But my child absolutely was - it would calm him whilst breastfeeding, and afterwards he would scream and scream and scream. I didn't realise there was lactose free formula. I wish I had ☹️. I had to persevere with formula thickening powder so it was like feeding him cement. Awful.

@seven201 My one will sometimes settle lying flat in my arms, Moses basket or pram (it is rare though). At night we put him down and he sleeps for 6 hours. Even when held upright he will scream unless I start pacing around with him- that works most of the time.As maximum dose omeprazole didn’t work I’ve stopped believing it’s reflux. I really wish it was so we could have had a solution.

Everyone who is saying to check lactose free or milk for allergies did you babies calm down if you walked around with them?

I'm a post-menopausal childless woman. I have to admit that my first thought, on reading your post, was to think you were being unreasonable.

And then I reflected on my own mother. She lost her mother age 13 and when she married my Dad, his mother had recently died, too. Mum had my brother when she was only 19, me 3 years later and then my kid brother 9 years after me (not by choice, I think - though he was much loved and entirely spoilt!).

As a result, she had no support whatsoever. And my Dad worked nights regularly for 8 years, meaning she was mostly alone.

Mum suffered severe, debilitating depression and was eventually hospitalised when I was 15, for quite a long period of time and then on and off for the next 2 years. She had ect treatment and was on horrendous doses of tranquillisers for years.

Was this related to what I described earlier? I'm bloody sure of it.

So, no - YANBU. If they could help, they really, really should.

I had a baby like this, silent reflux, colic, with a lovely case of whooping cough on top that needed day and night medicating for a substantial length of time. To be honest because she was such hard work and cried so much I didn't ask family to have her, I thought it would be too much. (Ex)dp mostly didn't come home and when he did he shouted at me because the baby was crying. It was a pretty tough time but she's a pretty chilled 6 year old now. I agree with a pp who advised you to get out. Use a sling if he hates the pram. Try and get to know other new parents, you'll realise that it's not as uncommon as you think for babies to be like this.
I also second trying a dairy free milk. Hv will always say not to change but tbh what harm can it do to try. Doesn't sound like things can get any worse.
Be more firm with your mum as it sounds like she'll do it if you outright tell her you need the help rather than vaguely asking.
If you can afford a nanny or nursery then absolutely do it. Of course they won't think your baby is too hard work, they are professionals and will have come across it many times before. Like I said, yours is honestly not the only baby like this - keep on a dr as they are good for fobbing you off.

@BertrandRussell I don’t want to force them to help. If they were to do it happily I would take it but that’s clearly not the case. It makes me uncomfortable making someone do something that they don’t want to do

Pay for help.
If your DH is a city lawyer, surely you can afford to pay for professional support?
I'd have more sympathy if you were a single parent on benefits or in a low paid job with little prospect of release for a few years but you sound a bit spoilt to be honest.
YABU to expect older parents who are already involved in caring for another family member to stretch themselves even further.

Oh bless you! Yy to paid help and to everything MNP2019isUpAndRunning has just written. An experienced helper a couple of days a week will give you practical help and advice as well as support, and help you to get back to the GP to find out what lies behind your baby's screaming. Of course they won't run away from a high needs baby. And if they do only help short term, there are others out there who will help afterwards.

You have two separate issues here - your relationship with your parents/in-laws and a high demand baby, who appears to be struggling with reflux/alergy/something else.

I would worry about parents/in laws another time. Focus on trying all other options and avenues to find some help. Stressing about whether/when your parents/in laws may help you is adding to your worries. Look after yourself and your little one, and find help where and whenever you can. Keep on posting on MN too - the lovely vipers here got me through when I was completely isolated with a screaming child.

(Apologies if I have missed a post. Have you tried cranial osteopathy? It was the best £100 I ever spent on ds1, who screamed regularly for 8-10 hours. Two treatments changed him completely. It didn't work for ds2 who had other issues, but 1 out of 2 aint bad!)