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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

did I say the wrong thing?

166 replies

itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 19:04

I work for a large organisation and so does a close friend of mine but she works for another department. We have been friends since we were children so this isn’t a work friendship.

Anyway my friend finished up on maternity leave a few weeks ago and had an elective c section last Wednesday.

She’d told us all weeks and weeks ago what date it was and I’d texted her on Wednesday morning to wish her luck.

On the Wednesday morning on the way into work I bumped into my friend’s boss who I know and we were chatting and my friend came up in the conversation. Her boss knows we’re friends and she’s a lovely woman. When she asked about her I said “oh she’s having her section today.”

Her boss must have texted her to wish her luck and today I got a rather sharp message from her stating that I should never have mentioned her section date to her boss and it was none of her business and I should have known to keep it quiet.

I’ve had two elective sections and it wasn’t a secret about the date Confused but Obviously if she’d told me to keep the date a secret I would have.

My DH thinks she is being unreasonable and quite nasty about it.

I messaged her back to apologise and I did say that at no point did she ask me to not tell anyone what date her section was booked.

She responded to say I should just have known Confused

Aibu to just tell her she’s being ridiculous or was I being unseasonable to not know that I was to keep it a secret?

OP posts:
EduCated · 29/07/2019 19:06

I think YABU, sorry. I wouldn’t want friends to pass on medical details I’ve shared with them. It also basically takes away the whole announcing the birth (when they are ready) aspect.

pictish · 29/07/2019 19:07

Yanbu - strange stance on her part, God knows why she has taken it...but you’ve done all you can and apologised.
I disagree that you ‘should just have known’ - not sure what she’s on about really.

Waveysnail · 29/07/2019 19:08

You wont to know it was top secret. DOD ahead ever day she dodnt want anyone to know?

Divebar · 29/07/2019 19:08

This is the sort of thing I’d do.... I’m not sure what the general consensus would be but if she wanted to keep the date private she should have stated it very clearly to you. People are not mind-readers.

Waveysnail · 29/07/2019 19:09

Sorry that should have been. You weren't to know it was top secret. Had she ever mentioned that she was keeping it a secret

tiredybear · 29/07/2019 19:10

Yes, she's being a bit unreasonable, she's having a baby, cut her some slack. You made a mistake, that's allowed. You've apologised, what else can you do. I'd move on and not worry about it. There's a baby to distract you all!

Original poster
itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 19:11

She had told a group of us on WhatsApp what the date was and had never once mentioned it was a secret. I’ve gone back through the chat because I thought I must’ve missed it but she definitely didn’t say it was top secret.

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 29/07/2019 19:12

She responded to say I should just have known

Aaaaaw that's tough - she's being unreasonable, & very irrational to ask you to be clairvoyant.

Thingsdogetbetter · 29/07/2019 19:14

I think telling her boss was a mistake. It's not a friend, it's her boss! If she had wanted her boss to know she'd have told them. Perhaps there is a work/maternity leave reason she keep it quiet. Perhaps her boss is a nosy gossip.

Did you assume her boss knew or not before you said it? Just because you were happy to share your date doesn't mean she should be. I would apologise again and accept you were in error.

SparkyBlue · 29/07/2019 19:17

YANBU. I'd have done the same if I was chit chatting with people it honestly wouldn't have cast me a thought not to. I like the idea that on these occasions people might be thinking of you and keep you in their thoughts and send positive vibes and maybe the religious might offer up a small prayer . I'm probably not explaining myself well . I used to work near a beautiful church and I often went in and lit a candle en route to work and I remember telling a colleague that I lit a candle for her sister who was having a scan on her first baby and my colleague was delighted and was telling her sister later on that we were all thinking of her.

AuntieMaggie · 29/07/2019 19:20

I think telling her boss was a mistake. It's not a friend, it's her boss! This! Yabu - it's her boss ffs. I've worked with many friends over the years and you don't go around telling their bosses their personal information!

Skittlenommer · 29/07/2019 19:23

She’s being a knob, you’re not a mind-reader ffs. Give her a wide berth for a while if she’s going to be like that.

Allli · 29/07/2019 19:32

You’re not a mind reader so I think she’s just a bit stressed and over protective about this. Perhaps because of a maternity pay or leave issue, perhaps because she was worried about the baby’s health, who knows. You’ve apologised which is what a good friend does. Truth will out, as they say, in due course. I had a friend who wouldn’t show colleagues a photo of his baby as I was going to pass the email round the wider team of 20 rather than just the three of us and got told not to. Still don’t understand that. What did he think people were going to do with a baby photo other than look, smile and say “awww” delete the email and get back to work...!

Crunchymum · 29/07/2019 19:34

Yeah send her a message, 5 days PP, and tell her she is ridiculous.

Do an Elsa, OP and let it go!!!

wijjjy · 29/07/2019 19:36

YABU, it's her boss.

You don't give medical details to someone's boss

Original poster
itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 19:42

She is friendly with her boss and would constantly tell me how well they got on. I’m sitting here thinking that I’ve been nothing but supportive of her pregnancy when she’s been unwell. I’ve dropped in tonnes of clothes to her and baby equipment with little thank you and now I’m actually pretty pissed off that I’m meant to have known not to mention she was having her baby Confused

OP posts:
TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 29/07/2019 19:47

She is being unreasonable you weren't too know and if she's announcing it in a group chat or hardly gives off the secrecy vibe. However she's just had a baby, you've apologised, just move on. Nothing to gain from telling a brand new mum she's ridiculous even if she is.

wlucy · 29/07/2019 19:49

I don't think you've been unreasonable. She may just be wound up with nerves and anticipation (understandably) and taken it out on you.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/07/2019 19:53

If she'd wanted her boss to know, she'd have told her herself. I think that should have been obvious to you, yes.

You must have known you were telling the boss something she didn't already know - or you wouldn't have bothered saying it. Otherwise the boss would have said 'oh, she's having her CS this week isn't she', or similar and you'd have just confirmed that. Had the boss even known she was having a CS?

People are selective about sharing their medical details. Things discussed with friends are not necessarily fair game for general gossip with colleagues. I don't think that needs spelling out.

Just say sorry and move on.

JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef · 29/07/2019 19:58

You shouldn’t have let slip.

That fact that it was her boss that you told, and her subsequent reaction, makes wonder if she has taken a bit of poetic licence with her dates to optimise mat pay or similar.

Skittlenommer · 29/07/2019 20:00

@JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef that’s what I thought. She was probably planning on saying she had the baby much later to maximise her time off. I’m not sure how it works really but her reaction is a little suspicious.

Shopkinsdoll · 29/07/2019 20:01

Your friend it being unreasonable,you weren’t to know she didn’t want her to know. Maybe she was just nervous and taking it out on you. I would leave her to stew in her mood, she knows where you are if needs be

Nearlyfriyay987654 · 29/07/2019 20:02

I don’t get the issue, why wouldn’t she want her boss to know?

I wouldn’t think anything of it, she’s clearly emotional having had a baby ,give her some cool of space and forget about it.

We have to inform our line manager once baby is born (ie the date) and then they alert HR to ensure our occupational maternity pay is paid.

PandaToTheMasses · 29/07/2019 20:03

You shared personal information about her that wasn't yours to share. You've done the right thing to apologise and admit it was an honest mistake but yes you are being unreasonable to think she doesn't have the right to be upset. However she should have just accepted your apology but not continue to berate you. If I were her I'd make a mental note not to share as much personal information with you in future.

ScreamingValenta · 29/07/2019 20:04

I don't know if this is universal practice but where I work, you have to tell your manager the date of the birth - I think HR need it for maternity pay purposes.