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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

did I say the wrong thing?

166 replies

itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 19:04

I work for a large organisation and so does a close friend of mine but she works for another department. We have been friends since we were children so this isn’t a work friendship.

Anyway my friend finished up on maternity leave a few weeks ago and had an elective c section last Wednesday.

She’d told us all weeks and weeks ago what date it was and I’d texted her on Wednesday morning to wish her luck.

On the Wednesday morning on the way into work I bumped into my friend’s boss who I know and we were chatting and my friend came up in the conversation. Her boss knows we’re friends and she’s a lovely woman. When she asked about her I said “oh she’s having her section today.”

Her boss must have texted her to wish her luck and today I got a rather sharp message from her stating that I should never have mentioned her section date to her boss and it was none of her business and I should have known to keep it quiet.

I’ve had two elective sections and it wasn’t a secret about the date Confused but Obviously if she’d told me to keep the date a secret I would have.

My DH thinks she is being unreasonable and quite nasty about it.

I messaged her back to apologise and I did say that at no point did she ask me to not tell anyone what date her section was booked.

She responded to say I should just have known Confused

Aibu to just tell her she’s being ridiculous or was I being unseasonable to not know that I was to keep it a secret?

OP posts:
itstimeforslime · 29/07/2019 20:54

Ffs gossipy? I’ve heard it all now 😂😂😂

OP posts:
NewSchoolNewName · 29/07/2019 20:55

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

I’d have probably assumed that she’d told the boss about the planned c-section.
But given that she’s just had a baby I’d let it go.

If her maternity leave has already officially started then there’s no way she can get extra leave by not telling her work the date of baby’s birth.

TheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 29/07/2019 20:55

I think it's unfair that she is being so over the top. It's not as if they didn't know she was having a baby. Hmm She is meant to be friendly with boss, and she told a number of people the date, so you did nothing wrong... You just weren't the most over the top, triple check everything that comes out of your mouth, paranoid, sensitive person that she expected you to be Grin

Even If I had thought the same as her, I honestly wouldn't have had a go at my friend for it.

JustTheCrowsAndTheBeef · 29/07/2019 21:02

She could have left but used annual leave to get her up to her ‘expected week of confinement’, at which point mat leave would be scheduled to kick in. In my maternity policy at least, mat leave is triggered on the baby’s birth date. So if her ELCS took place on 39+1 then she could potentially lose out by one week. Equally full mat pay is dependent on certain periods of service before the EWC and if she needed an extra week or two she may have tried to fudge things.

I’m not saying that she did this - quite apart from anything else, it would involve concealing her child’s true birthday for the duration of her time with this employer- but it might explain her reaction.

Divebar · 29/07/2019 21:03

People talk about the due date all the time..... it’s one of the first questions anyone ever asks. No one ever seems too troubled by revealing that private medical information. Sometimes this place is weird.

ItsAllGoingToBeMagnificent · 29/07/2019 21:03

I think you kind of are in the wrong here. I'd never share planned section dates or induction dates if people told me them, especially not with someone's boss. I told 4 close friends on whatsapp I was in labour, I didn't have to say "now keep this a secret" I think you just know you don't go sharing other people's due dates, section dates or that people are in labour etc... even if they have told you the information.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/07/2019 21:05

Due date and method of delivery are two quite different things.

EC22 · 29/07/2019 21:06

I think you are in the wrong to have told her boss, it’s private information.

1strangerthings · 29/07/2019 21:14

It was her personal information. To be honest I think the boss is the one who has overstepped boundaries.

I think, she's just stressed. Perhaps she had made a point about not having a c section, or her boss and her had talked about it beforehand and she's been caught out in a lie.

Vulpine · 29/07/2019 21:18

Having a baby isn't really a medical procedure.

Sobeyondthehills · 29/07/2019 21:22

I also messaged my other friend to say my faux pas and she can’t understand it as they were out for a coffee the week before last and she was telling the waitress she was going in for for a section and the date

The difference here, is she was telling people her news. You went and did the baby announcing for her.

NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten · 29/07/2019 21:24

I think YABU. However, I can see how situations like this come about. I used to have similar issues with my in-laws.

Personally I try not to reveal information about my friends and family to others as I don't always know who they are comfortable telling, and am under the impression that if they want someone to know something they can tell them themselves. So in your situation I wouldn't need to be told not to tell the boss as it would never have occurred to me to say anything other than "oh yes, I believe she's doing fine." Or something similarly vague and non comital.

In-laws are the opposite and tell everyone everything, used to drive me mad but now I just don't tell them anything about me.

Carthage · 29/07/2019 21:31

I really don't think that due dates or methods of delivery are generally considered personal and embarrassing. Different if she'd had complications, such as episiotomy or pre-eclampsia; those would feel like private medical information. Some people are really weird about that stuff. And scolding you about it is way over the top, especially as she shared stuff on WhatsApp and in a cafe! I'd avoid any conversations with her about anything she might deem personal in future.

Cohle · 29/07/2019 21:33

Like you, it wouldn't have occurred to me not to mention it to her boss OP. That said, now that you've pointed out she hadn't asked you to keep it confidential, I'd just apologise and move on.

There's no point falling out about this or dragging mutual friends into criticising a new mum. It's an emotional time and she may be feeling rather vulnerable or indeed have workplace/obstetric issues you don't know about it.

HappilyHarridan · 29/07/2019 21:34

I think you’re being harsh to start giving a close friend a wide birth because she got a bit stroppy when she’s just had a baby! Presumably she is normally kind and reasonable or you wouldn’t be close friends with her, so cut her a bit of slack and stop making a drama out of it.

Benjispruce · 29/07/2019 21:34

YANBU, you didn't go out of your way to tell her boss, it came up in conversation and seemed relevant. Put it down to hormones!

madeyemoodysmum · 29/07/2019 21:35

Maybe she is scamming her mat leave

Graphista · 29/07/2019 21:37

Yabu.

You don't tell someone's boss something like this without their express permission, loads of reasons why she may not have wanted her boss to know. At the very least, a planned c-section implies possible medical issues with the pregnancy/birth that she may well not want work to know.

Or it could be as simple as the boss is usually ok but has weird views on c-sections she doesn't want to have to deal with.

With births - even MORE reason not to tell ANYONE without the parents of the child giving express permission.

A mistake I made a couple of times myself when much younger and before I wasn't a parent myself, I know better now - as a mother to 3 yourself you really should have the maturity and life experience to understand that.

"She is friendly with her boss and would constantly tell me how well they got on." Irrelevant - still not your place to say.

I've also been a "boss" and sometimes such information can put THEM in a difficult position with their boss/career wise. And it's a genie that CAN'T be put back in the bottle!

"she was telling the waitress she was going in for for a section and the date." Well she doesn't work for the waitress!

The waitress isn't potentially in a position to affect how her medical history is used at work, to harass her to return to work earlier than she may be ready to 'because you had that baby X weeks ago SURELY you're ready by now', the waitress isn't likely to tell other potentially less than supportive work colleagues, or higher up bosses, the waitress isn't in a position to hassle the new mum over paperwork etc

It's VERY much an employers market at the moment, there is a known increase in maternity and sex discrimination as a result and even if the boss you spoke to is an ok sort, perhaps their boss, who they're likely to now mention it to isn't?

I would NEVER mention anything like this to anybody's boss, you have NO IDEA the trouble you might be causing - again learned the hard way, incorrectly thinking bosses of mine were "ok" and I made the error of mentioning bumping into colleagues outside of work who were off sick, or in a "part of town" they wouldn't normally be because they were attending job interviews for rival companies etc... And unwittingly creating strife for colleagues, had that done TO me too!

"I wouldn't tell a someone's boss anything about them anyway to be fair." Exactly! You just don't do that.

You don't know what's going on in people's lives so its wise, if in ANY reasonable doubt, which I would argue should have been the case here, not to give certain people info they aren't already in possession of.

On one occasion with me it was a colleague had gone to the dentist and boss was pissed off that we didn't all go to her dentist brother! She could be a right arse about it!

"You come across as someone who cannot bear to be told they are wrong, or that there might be different ways of looking at things - which makes posting this question an odd decision." Totally agree with this.

Redspider1 · 29/07/2019 21:40

YANBU

I am presuming you didn't go into details. The boss knows she's off to have her baby, so what's the big deal? Women have been having babies for thousands of years, I can't bear all the diva behaviour around these days. Woman has baby-big bloody deal!

NameChange92 · 29/07/2019 21:43

That’s information i’d have assumed her boss would already have known, i’m also not of the opinion that op saying it to her friends boss means she thinks it’ll be news to her. It’s just mentioning it because it’s on her mind.

So no I don’t think ywbu, but unless your friend is normally a drama queen i’d just put it down to hormones and sleep deprivation and let it drop. You’ve already apologised, I wouldn’t pick a fight over it but there’s nothing else really you can say.

ChildminderMum · 29/07/2019 21:44

YANBU

I have never come across due dates or birth dates or c-sections being things that are secret or private so it wouldn't occur to me that it was supposed to be kept secret unless I was specifically told.

Also sounds like perfectly normal, everyday work chat; "How's Karen doing, when's the baby due?" "Oh she's booked in for a C-Section today actually, Claire on Reception is collecting money for some flowers"

Loveislandaddict · 29/07/2019 21:49

I don’t think you have done anything wrong. It was general chit chat. No different to saying that xyz has gone into labour.

I found it a bit strange that the boss texted a ‘good luck’ message.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/07/2019 21:54

Sorry OP, it wasn't on purpose but YABU. It's personal medical information, about her baby's birth, she's stressed because its a surgery. She can share the info with anyone she wants. It doesn't mean you can.
If she shares it with a What's App group, its exactly that. A pre selected group. It didn't include her boss, she shared it with a specific group but it doesn't automatically mean she wants people outside the group to know. And yes, you should have thought of that. Sorry.
You've apologised which was nice, but give her a break, she's probably frantic with worry.

Drum2018 · 29/07/2019 21:55

YABU, it's her boss

You don't give medical details to someone's boss

Ffs she wasn't having a colonoscopy, she was having a baby which her boss would have heard about anyway. Big fecking deal that the boss found out on the day. Some people are unbelievably precious about having their babies and telling people. Such nonsense. 🙄 @itstimeforslime YANBU.

coolwalking · 29/07/2019 21:56

I think she's trying to pull a fast one concerning maternity leave.

When it comes to someones boss you shouldn't share personal things so I think YABU.